to be really surprised that the school assumed these things?

[JessieMcJessie]

I emailed a local school to ask about visiting because we are thinking of sending our son there. My email didn’t state my title and referred to “we” and “our son” but didn’t say explicitly that his other parent was male, or that we were married.

The email came back “Dear Mrs McJessie” and asked me to give my husband’s full name if he was joining me on the visit.

AIBU to be very surprised that they just assumed that I (a) went by “Mrs” (b) was married and (c) was heterosexual? In actual fact they were correct on all three counts, but that’s not the point- I thought that people were a bit more careful to assume nothing in this day and age.

but I would address him as "Your Grace" (assuming I didn't know him well enough to call him by his first name)

Actually, I think it would be Dear Duke, unless you were his butler, housekeeper or other staff.

Actually, I think it would be Dear Duke, unless you were his butler, housekeeper or other staff.

No, it wouldn't.

I can see why you’re surprised, but it’s surely better for all concerned if you politely raised the issue with the admin staff?

In this case their assumptions were correct. It’s an independent school, so (I don’t know if it’s right to say unfortunately or not) their intake is going to be made up, largely, from families of two heterosexual, middle class parents. Maybe the kindest thing all round is to inform them of the potential to cause offence. I’m afraid the best schools are bastions of tradition and many parents wouldn’t like to be addressed by their first name. I know this is certainly the case at my school (private). Plus admin staff are only human, they have big work loads, maybe they’ve never thought this could be an issue. A quick email or chat would deal with it.

No, it wouldn't.

I think it would be Dear Duke or Dear Duke of Norfolk in the salutation. For the address on an envelope, you would write His Grace the Duke of Norfolk.

You are the kind of people that we are bored of. Find something to do.

Easy. I would've done research to find out, so I addressed it correctly. I could easily find out which school your son is at and ask them for example! I do this all the time to ensure things are addressed correctly.

OP YANBu. And you’re right that the school could easily use a different format which didn’t assume anything, which would make sure they got it right for everyone.

In my work we wouldn’t always use first names in email but is sensible to follow the person’s lead, ie they sign Bert, you reply Dear Bert.

Our school still addresses mail to us as Mr and Mrs. It’s Mrs and Mrs. They know us.
I wouldn’t get too worked up, i assume it’s an automated marketing programs response (I hope anyway!!)

You are right they should not assume. not only could it cause offence but could cause hurt. It is normal to reply in a email to the person in the way they signed themselves off. On the other hand it is good they are thinking about the other parent.

What salutation did you use in your message? Dear Headmiss, Headms, Headmrs, Headmaster, Person of transge der. The person who typed the message may just use a generic term for female/male contacts. You are overly sensitive, hope you always get it right how you address a person first time.

I didn’t use a salutation in the email. I began it with “ Good morning”. The email address wa something like “[email protected]”

Spaceship it definitely wasn’t automated.

I thought I'd copy and paste an earlier post of mine because I still really want to know the answer!
"Can I ask why the people who are so.....emphatic.... about this are so emphatic?
What is it about "Dear Bertrand Russell. I am looking forward to meeting you on Monday. Please could you let me know the names of anybody who is coming with you. Thank you. Best wishes Wackford Squeers" that makes you so cross?"

Just to be clear, I wasn’t at all surprised that they asked whether my son’s other parent would be coming on the visit, and requested a name. I was surprised that they automatically referred to the other parent as my husband.

I can't believe you are still here repeating this Jessie ! How many times now?

Hi Op, I totally agree. It's super easy to write a response which does not assume sexuality or marital status.

If I'm responding to an email I take a nudge in tone and how I should response from the original email. If someone signs off with their first name and surname, I respond 'Hello/ Dear first name, surname,' - I do not add/ guess as a title.

There's some good general guidance on addressing people with titles etc. on the BBC Academy sections for anyone who want to explore in more detail:

www.bbc.co.uk/academy/en/articles/art20150910172358585

www.bbc.co.uk/academy/en/articles/art20130702112133530

An article on Mr/ Miss/ Ms/ Mrs:

www.bbc.co.uk/academy/en/articles/art20130702112133530.

I wonder if we should drop the female abbreviations totally? Miss and Mrs are both abbreviations of the same word - Mistress.

“I can't believe you are still here repeating this Jessie ! How many times now?”

Presumably as many times as it takes.......?

Yes, YABU to be really surprised that the school assumed these things OP. If it's their normal, they will assume.

And they got it right OP.

What is it about "Dear Bertrand Russell. I am looking forward to meeting you on Monday. Please could you let me know the names of anybody who is coming with you. Thank you. Best wishes Wackford Squeers" that makes you so cross?"

It wouldn't make me cross at all. But this is a school we are talking about. And Wackford Squeers will not call you "Bertrand Russell" because he does not want you or your child to address him as "Wackford Squeers". He will expect to be called Mr/Dr/Professor Squeers and so will address you in the same form.

The admin staff won’t be teaching your son.

It’s quite a natural assumption and not really worth the hassle. If she had been incorrect you would have said actually I’m an unmarried lesbian but our names are xx xx etc. Then they would feel silly for making the assumption and move on in their life.

It isn’t homophobic or offensive to make a natural assumption considering the majority of families are with male and female parent

"And Wackford Squeers will not call you "Bertrand Russell" because he does not want you or your child to address him as "Wackford Squeers".
Sorry? So he calls me Bertrand but expects me to call him Dr Squeers? That's ridiculous. His relationship with me is not the same as the relationship he has with my child.

So he calls me Bertrand but expects me to call him Dr Squeers? That's ridiculous. His relationship with me is not the same as the relationship he has with my child.

No! This is the point! He calls you Ms Russell because he expects you to call him Dr Squeers and refer to him as such to your child. This is where we came in. Schools are about the last places to use titles; as the OP said, UK companies almost never do.

Haven't read through the thread but you really need more of a life.

Seriously.

I agree with you. They should have asked for the details of your partner, not wife/husband. No assumptions there.

"Haven't read through the thread but you really need more of a life"

If you had read the thread you might have seen several posters explaining why this sort of thing is important.