to be really surprised that the school assumed these things?

[JessieMcJessie]

I emailed a local school to ask about visiting because we are thinking of sending our son there. My email didn’t state my title and referred to “we” and “our son” but didn’t say explicitly that his other parent was male, or that we were married.

The email came back “Dear Mrs McJessie” and asked me to give my husband’s full name if he was joining me on the visit.

AIBU to be very surprised that they just assumed that I (a) went by “Mrs” (b) was married and (c) was heterosexual? In actual fact they were correct on all three counts, but that’s not the point- I thought that people were a bit more careful to assume nothing in this day and age.

I had to correct the support staff at my sons' Catholic school when I noticed their salutation on every communication was Mrs and Mrs SMIKMU. I wasn't offended, merely amused, as were the office staff who, like me and my husband, couldn't work out how the error had come about. The OP really needs to get out more.

Why is it still the norm to be referred to with a title? If you signed off Jessie, then you should be addressed as Jessie. It sure avoids confusion. Ahh, the Britishness of the British

@NataliaOsipova
I think that when you’re dealing with schools you have to remember this: it’s about your children and you not important here.

Did you miss the post where I explained it was an independent school? I think the parents are pretty damned important when the school is trying to convince them to spend thousands of £££ in fees every term for about 15 years!

I agree with you. The school shouldn’t have assumed. But I’d guess that it’s just that the receptionist, who is probably on a very low salary, hasn’t been trained on these sort of issues.

OP, very interesting that it’s an independent school. My children attend an independent school and while it is very ethnically and religiously diverse, 99% of the children are from two parent heterosexual families. I would assume that the reason they addressed you as they did is because it is absolutely the norm for the school.

So they've emailed you with all the correct information and you've come on here to complain about it? Get a grip!

Yawn

Did you miss the post where I explained it was an independent school?

No. I didn’t. My kids go to an independent school. And if it’s a school worth its salt, they shouldn’t give a stuff about you; they should be wholly focused on the kids. Go to a private school where they fawn over the parents at your peril. My kids started out at one. You won’t be getting what you think you’re paying for.....and the obsequious attitude will only be to your face.

YANBU I'd be annoyed by that too. Pretty basic stuff, to not make assumptions about name, marital status or sexual orientation. Give them a nudge about it. It makes you wonder what kind of assumptions they'll make about the kids in their care. My DDs school wouldn't do this.
The last thing I'd want is to go back to the days of low level homophbia and sexism that ran through my school! A lot of kids were left really unhappy :-/

It's absolutely vital for us to work in good relations with parents. Education is a three way partnership.

If people are spending their time creating situations to get offended about then I'm not surprised that there is so much anxiety around MN. For very busy people there's a lot of spare time!

And if it’s a school worth its salt, they shouldn’t give a stuff about you; they should be wholly focused on the kids.

What a bizarre notion. But I would include in "wholly focused on the kids" the importance of fostering a culture of inclusiveness and respect for all types of family arrangements. And I would certainly begin to gauge that from the first correspondence I received.

Bloody hell. Such a non issue. Some people must walk around all day trying to find things to offend, sorry, 'surprise' them.

Actually this thread is hilarious.

I am so glad I don't live the life of the perpetually offended on other people's behalf 😂😁😀

Jesus Christ. It’s normal to assume the traditional husband and wife isn’t it?! People have got fucking insane. By the time my daughter grows up god alone knows what would have happened to the world. Maybe when you go for the interview you should ask them about this issue - see if they give you a place then? Seeing as how surprised you are? I mean it’s irked you enough to write on here....

This is seriously a non-issue.

By far the biggest majority of people in this country are heterosexual, so it's reasonable to assume male/female couple.

If you're writing a letter from "we", then you should have signed with both names at the bottom. And I would have made it clear, ie Mr Sherlock Holmes and Mrs Sherlock Holmes (or whatever).

If I ever get correspondence from "J Smith" for example, I will always assume it's a woman, because it's mostly men that sign themselves off like this and I hope it will annoy them

@GreenTulips your first post reminded me of that monthly python sketch from the life of Brian where they argue that men should have the right to have a womb to have a baby even though they don't have one 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Puzzledlady

By the time my daughter grows up god alone knows what would have happened to the world.

What, you’re worried about gay and unmarried parents being seen as acceptable?

Oh and once again, to those who have piled in most recently without RTFT, I wasn’t offended. So many people spectacularly missing the point.

SherlockHolmes I wasn’t writing from “we” I was writing from me. The reference to what “we” were thinking of doing was by way of background only.

And to the PP who said I didn’t give enough information to allow them to “address me correctly” yes I did because I prefer to be addressed by my first name or Ms and do you sign your emails “Mrs Jane Jones”?

Education is a three way partnership.

Yes. But not a triangle, if I can put it like that. I'm focused on my child; my child's teacher is focused on my child. My child's teacher and I should expect mutual cooperation and support via a vis my child. But should I expect my child's teacher to have any interest at all in my sexual preference, or my life in any way other than it having a direct bearing on my child's education? No. And vice versa. My child's teacher has no interest in what every child's parent prefers to be called. She will call me Mrs Osipova because she wishes to be addressed as Miss Smith.....and because it appears more polite than calling me "Little Nat's Mummy". My friend teaches a class of 30. It is expected that she knows all the children's names and (because they're in primary school) the parents of all the children. It is wholly unreasonable to expect her to remember the preferred form of address of 60 different people.

Spork and Spindy.

This is a really, really depressing thread.

Of course it is wholly inappropriate to assume a couple is hetero! This. Is. The. 2010s.

If you do not know the sex of someone or whetherthey are single/cohabiting/ married you use you (plural) or they.

All this "professionally offemded" and " not enough time.on your hands" bolleaux. So much the script....

do you sign your emails “Mrs Jane Jones”?

I wasn't the pp....but surely the point is that it isn't correct to give oneself a title? So I write: Dear Miss Smith.....Regards, Natalia Osipova. She replies: Dear Mrs Osipova....Regards, Claire Smith. If the Duke of Norfolk were writing to me, he would sign himself "Norfolk", but I would address him as "Your Grace" (assuming I didn't know him well enough to call him by his first name), not "Dear Norfolk". If HM Queen writes, she signs "Elizabeth R"....etc etc.

I can accept the argument that the writer should have used Ms instead of Mrs as she wasn't sure which you preferred, but, as I said upthread, she probably didn't give it a second's thought. You can therefore probably infer from that that most parents at that school are heterosexual and married. But only that; not that they have any opinion on whether that's good, bad or indifferent.

Well, obviously I agree that people should not sign off with their own title. So how exactly is one supposed to give “enough information” to tell the other person that you wish to be addressed as “Mrs”?

“Dear Sirs
I am married to a man and have taken his name. Please can you tell me how much you would charge for an MOT?

Yours sincerely Jessie McJessie.

So how exactly is one supposed to give “enough information” to tell the other person that you wish to be addressed as “Mrs”?

Well, strictly speaking, if it matters to you, you would sign (just for the first time) Jessie McJessie (Mrs) (or Ms/Dame/Miss or whatever). I think this looks rather odd in a modern context and I wouldn't do so myself, but I'm also not that bothered about whether I'm addressed as Mrs or Ms. In the example you give (omitting the first sentence), I fully accept that it would be safer to call you Ms until they knew your preference.