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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hauled into school because dd had no breakfast

910 replies

takeastand · 25/10/2018 19:11

Got called into school as dd(13) felt unwell and it transpired she hadn't eaten. I don't encourage her to eat breakfast although I don't stop her - she rarely gets up early enough to eat it during the week. I honestly thought the school would be sensible about this but what an absolute waste of everyone's time. I thought once I explained that she wasn't neglected or malnourished we could go on our way. Instead a load of hand wringing, unsubstantiated and unscientific bollocks about how important breakfast is and how clearly this is the reason dd felt light headed, even though she hasn't eaten breakfast before school the entire five weeks and this is the first day she has felt unwell.

For context - she is overweight. I'm not going to force another 300-400 calories that she doesn't desire or need at the only point of the day that she doesn't seem to be starving hungry! I make her a cup of tea each morning, she drinks plenty of water. Her house is first for lunch so she eats at 12ish!

It's half term next week and I'm not sure whether I should say anything to the school tomorrow or just let it lie.

OP posts:
Ifoundanacorn · 25/10/2018 22:57

op firstly I never said she was obese

Your actual words were:

ffs there's an obesity crisis in young people (mine included )

So yes you did call your daughter obese. Yes you did, straight after calling her 'over weight' . Do you think this kind of labelling and dare I say it shaming is actually helping your young teenage daughter?

Getting her up early, blending a smoothie and giving her a piece of fruit and a protein is just so hard for you? No, you can't make her eat it, but it gives a strong message that she is expected to care and energise her body for the day ahead.

You then give her dinner at 8.30pm and wonder why she is putting on weight!!!!!! Do you honestly think this is healthy? She should be in bed for 8.30pm reading or having a shower or winding down not sitting down for dinner. If nothing else keep the family dinners for the weekend and give her a healthy supper at 5-6pm. A salad with some protein, a walk or 30 min on an exercise bike, and a balanced breakfast could work wonders for someone of this age.

She is only 13

SquirreledIn · 25/10/2018 22:57

I don't have children yet. (Not for want of trying)

If I have children then I'll certainly make breakfast for them, but I wouldn't force an older child or teenager to eat if it makes them feel ill as it does me, but it'd always be available.

Shitlandpony · 25/10/2018 22:57

Do you live in a house in the woods as well? Grin

Mandarine · 25/10/2018 22:58

Well your situation is totally different then BitOutOfPractice. As you say you’ve tried all you can. You obviously see the point of trying to foster good attitudes and have tried and your attitude will no doubt rub off on them in some shape or form. This is a world apart from the OP’s attitude -

“I don’t encourage her to eat breakfast, but I don’t stop her either”. Confused

And then coming on here complaining about the school because they have the audacity to have her daughter’s best interests at heart and have taken the time to try and discuss this - how dare they!

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 25/10/2018 22:59

What an odd attitude you let her skip meals as she needs to lose weight?! Your 13year old! If she ate breakfast she may be less prone to eating crap later. Breakfast is very important and you should be teaching her the joys of eating healthy foods rather than focusing on her calories.

Iftheresawilltheresaway · 25/10/2018 22:59

I rarely ate breakfast throughout primary and secondary. Dinner was usually before 6pm so other than snack after dinner i wouldn't eat until following day at break time which was usually a bar of chocolate. I felt sick in the morning and if I tried to eat I would retch. You cannot force a child to eat when they don't want to. It causes them to be anxious and makes them feel worse. A child will eat when hungry and just because eating breakfast is fine for one person it may not be for another. Both my kids eat breakfast but if they didn't I certainly wouldn't have forced them nor would I think I was being neglectful by not forcing food down them that they didn't want. I would have informed the school that my child would eat when hungry not when society felt they should.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/10/2018 22:59

For the love of fuck. We ALL feel a little ‘off’ at one time or another.

Whatever your belief is about breakfast, it’s irrelevant here. The kid never has breakfast and one day she feels a bit unwell. Logic tells you it’s not about the lack of breakfast. Jesus wept.

TakeAStand ignore the school drama llamas, they’re really not qualified to lecture you on this. One day of not feeling great being atributed to a lack of breakfast, when she’s fine the other days she never eats breakfast, shows a worrying lack of logic on their behalf. It’s ridiculous. Hormones, over heated stuffy classrooms, bugs, all kinds of things are FAR more likely to have caused it. I’d keep her home today & hope she’s feeling better for half term.

ChoudeBruxelles · 25/10/2018 23:00

Yabu. Ds wouldn’t eat breakfast unless I make him. I buy cereal bars so at least if he doesn’t manage to get toast or something he can grab one of the bars. I’ve had calls before because he’s felt ill because he hasn’t eaten.

manicinsomniac · 25/10/2018 23:03

I don't think the school were BU to question it. Their reaction sounds a little OTT, especially once you'd explained it's your daughter's choice, but I do think they are right to check.

I started skipping breakfast at about your daughter's age; I 'wasn't hungry' first thing and food made me 'feel sick before 10am.'

Shortly afterwards I started skipping lunch because it made me 'drowsy in my afternoon lessons' and I got 'really low on energy and lethargic' after eating.

After that I tried skipping dinner because 'I hate going to bed full, it makes me feel sick to lie on a full tummy.'

Nobody put the three sets of excuses together till I was seriously ill. I got away with it for ages.

Rather an overprotective school than one that doesn't notice issues developing at all.

Ifoundanacorn · 25/10/2018 23:04

Your school have not called you in for a 'one off' peaky moment. No way. They have called you in because they have had consistent reports about her.

Those drama llamas are doing a bloody good job looking after children.

Anyone with an ounce of common sense would know you need to feed your children in the morning, it needs to be laid out, readily available with enough time to enjoy breakfast. If you have a teen that can not face it, every morning you have a package of healthy fruit, smoothies and protein bars ready to take with them. It is not hard.

VerbeenaBeeks · 25/10/2018 23:06

Yabu. You need to get her eating something before school. It'll help shift her weight by stimulating her blood sugar. I think it's neglectful to send a child to school on an empty stomach

@madmomma how do you do that then with a breakfast refusing teenager? Genuine question as I have one of those myself just like the OP just a couple of years older though at 15 not 13.
Some days will, more often than not won't eat anything before going out the door at 8.30am.

Mandarine · 25/10/2018 23:06

And no it’s not “fairytale” actually to make porridge or toast or whatever. I suspect the vast majority of parents manage it and we live far from any woods. As Ifoundanacorn says, whether they eat it or not, it’s about giving out a clear message and at least trying. Plus, I think a school that bothers to act on behalf of a child’s welfare should be applauded, not mocked.

Original poster
takeastand · 25/10/2018 23:07

Is 8.30 really that late for dinner? Three of my four dc have activities or gym until 7, DH and I work full time, by the time we've all showered and sat down it's 8.30. Let me guess, someone will now tell me how bad it is for you to eat at 8.30 and how multiple studies have shown this 

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/10/2018 23:08

The posts re what to make/encourage her to eat in the morning... 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 my eyes are rolling out of the back of my head. You haven’t asked for nutritional advice, but as always you’ve been given it anyway. I’m sure people mean well, but bloody hell there’s some utter tripe posted. I hope you carry on as you are, letting her eat when she’s hungry and providing good, nutritional food (and NOT a ton of fruit, especially not made into a smoothie removing it’s fibre).

BitOutOfPractice · 25/10/2018 23:09

I've stopped encouraging too. It's a waste of everyone's energy and good mood in the morning. (And DD1 lives 200 miles away anyway) The cupboards are full of food. They will eat it if they want to. They won't if they don't want to. No matter what I say or do.I suspect that after 15 years the op has come to the same conclusion.

So maybe Mandarine you should wind your neck in and think not everyone's kids are the same as yours. And not everyone who isn't doing exactly what you do isn't a useless parent, a disgrace or whatever else you've called the op.

Original poster
takeastand · 25/10/2018 23:09

If you have a teen that can not face it, every morning you have a package of healthy fruit, smoothies and protein bars ready to take with them

Are you for real?! 

OP posts:
VerbeenaBeeks · 25/10/2018 23:09

If you have a teen that can not face it, every morning you have a package of healthy fruit, smoothies and protein bars ready to take with them. It is not hard

Yeah, you're right, it's not hard. Half the time though your "healthy fruit" comes back squished up in the bottom of the bag that you so lovingly packed.
Eats fine at lunchtime, mealtimes at home and snacks but just refuses to eat in a morning before noon lately.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/10/2018 23:10

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore...

Twork · 25/10/2018 23:12

830 does seem late to be eating.
When does she go to bed?

You can't force her to eat and it's common that kids that age stop eating breakfast so she's hardly unique BUT there is no way the school called you in for a one off feeling ill.

SofiaAmes · 25/10/2018 23:12

A PP posted a paper that she said declared breakfast important. In fact the paper is a review that says that it might be important to academic performance but there is not a strong correlation. And this paper a year later says that there is no correlation between breakfast and academic performance.

However, research does show that sleep is extremely important to academic performance and I suspect that the school's efforts would be better placed if it focused on the number of hours its students were sleeping every night.

Also, I don't really understand what was expected of the OP. Was she supposed to force feed her 13 year old....hardly seems like the wisest battle to pick, given that much of parenting teenagers is about picking your battles.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/10/2018 23:14

Toast.

Someone actually thinks giving their kids empty sugar laden crap carbs makes them a superior parent. FMD.

MiniMum97 · 25/10/2018 23:16

There’s a lot of evidence that eating within a short window (say 8 hrs) is actually very good for you. And you should also eat when you are hungry and stop when full. Some people do not like eating first thing. I am also one of those people. I am also a night person so suspect it has done to do with your personal circadian rhythms. Forcing her to eat when she is not hungry is also not going to get into good eating habits or to have a good relationship with food. She could have been feeling unwell for lots of reasons may have nothing to do with the lack of breakfast.

user789653241 · 25/10/2018 23:17

SquirreledIn, my ds is 10, soon to be 11. He is a fussy eater, and tries to avoid breakfast if he can, yet complains he was really hungry until his lunch, even he had fruit for break when he comes home.
He is definitely not hungry if he has eaten late the night before. He does clubs few times a week which makes him eat late. I won't give him any snack/dessert afterwards even he says he is still hungry, so he can eat breakfast in the morning. That's what parents do, and I feel I am doing the right thing.

Original poster
takeastand · 25/10/2018 23:17

Like I said multiple times they asked me to pick her up because she wasn't feeling great. I then got the "Mrs Takeastand, could we have a little word?" There are no other underlying issues!

OP posts:
user789653241 · 25/10/2018 23:26

OP, the fact is, your dd felt ill after she hasn't eaten breakfast. It really doesn't matter about what research or study says.
If she isn't hungry because she has eaten dinner too late, then it's too late for her.
You need to make sure that she somehow eats proper meal earlier, and late dinner has to be something lighter.
We do this too, since my ds do the club from 6-8 3 days a week.