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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financial AIBU

110 replies

starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 20:46

Don’t want to drip feed so here are the basic facts.
I am a single mum to a disabled DC.
Full care required for him.
Been managing fine on my own, and yes I am on benefits
Before I had DC I was working.
Now I met a lovely guy and it’s been a year and he wants us to move in together.
He has a house, and a job.
His job is not well paid (minimum wage job)
As much as I’d love to do it and could do with support and company I am worried about finances.
I will lose my independence and rely on him solely
I don’t like that.
Am I being stupid?!
I simply can not get a job as I am a carer.
I don’t have a lot, but have enough not to have to ask anyone for anything.
Anyone been there?! Moved in with partner and ..... made it work?! Or it didn’t work
I honestly don’t know what to do.
I feel we can not survive on min wage alone.
I’d lose all my independence and income.
Oh I just don’t know what to do. If money was no object I would’nt be even thinking about it

OP posts:
MrTrebus · 24/10/2018 20:49

No keep your independence. I can't say too much as it's outing but I have family members in this situation.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2018 20:51

No personal experience but I think you’re right to be worried and need to keep your independence.

What has he said when you’ve explained your concerns to him?

You don’t want to be financially reliant on a man. Especially one you’re not married to. Who you’ve only known for a year.

Enjoy dating and keep your finances separate.

Cherries101 · 24/10/2018 20:51

But you could make it up with child tax credits and working tax credits and other benefits surely? I think you need to do some sums. It only negatively impacts you if he’s earning above the threshold for benefits (30k i think) not minimum wage!

Lazypuppy · 24/10/2018 20:51

I'd be careful as you may lose a lot of your benefits if he moves in as you'l have to change all your claims to couple instead of single person

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 20:53

He does want to get married
He also has a big house that’s empty
It makes sense in a lot of ways.
But ..... I worry I will be a kept woman and the problem is he will not be able to afford it

OP posts:
EggysMom · 24/10/2018 20:54

Use the entitled.to benefits calculator to see what you'd get in the way of WTC & CTC if you had a joint claim.

But .... my spidey sense is that you should hold off for another year or two.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 20:54

@Lazypuppy
I’d lose all but carers allowance

OP posts:
happinessiseggshaped · 24/10/2018 20:56

If he is only on min wage then you will still receive some benefits. Put both your details in a benefit calculator and see.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2018 20:56

Don't do it. It will be a huge mistake.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 20:56

He is not moving in with me
I’d be moving in with him

OP posts:
Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 20:57

“Aquamarine1029

Don't do it. It will be a huge mistake.”

Why do you say that?

OP posts:
Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 21:03

So say we were to get married?!
I’d still be no better off and still rely on him financially.
I’ve been a single mum for 9 years so....

OP posts:
eggncress · 24/10/2018 21:04

Keep your independence and get to know him better.
Like you say he can’t afford to support you all.
Why does he even want to do that on his minimum wage? Surely he can only just about support himself?
He could change for the worst if under financial pressure then you’d be stuck! You’d be begging for money to buy stuff for yourself and ds.
I would enjoy dating for now. Keep it uncomplicated.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 21:06

But he is lovely and I love his company and he seem to be “the one”
Fact he is not earning loads shouldn’t matter but it bloody does

OP posts:
RTFT · 24/10/2018 21:12

Slow down, a year is nothing

eggncress · 24/10/2018 21:14

How does he get on with your dc? Does dc like him?

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 21:14

It might not seem like much but we get on just great and he seems to be “the one”

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 24/10/2018 21:14

Two young people with no other responsibilities and their whole careers ahead of them can maybe afford to not consider finances and hope for the happily ever after. The reality is that the stress of real life and money often breaks those couples up.

You aren’t young and without responsibility. Of course you should consider money. You have a system that works for you and your child. Don’t give that up for economic insecurity.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 21:16

He and DC get on great.
I feel like a stupid shallow person not to say yes because he only earns min money :(

OP posts:
Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 21:16

DC loves him.

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 24/10/2018 21:18

If he's "the one" now, he will be "the one" in a year's time.

I'd say keep your independence above anything else.

averageisgood · 24/10/2018 21:19

After only a year? No it's too soon, and you don't feel comfortable about it, listen to your gut instinct. I wouldn't move in with anyone at all after only a year, and am a single parent, independent and I like it.
To consider finances when you have a chid, is the right thing to do. Put it this way, would you have a child with a man on minimum wage if you didn't have your dd already? He couldn't afford to keep you both, unless you worked and then there would be the added cost of chid care.
YANBU at all

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 21:20

Problem is he is moving away
Too far away....
Do I go or do I say bye bye
(Moving to a house he inherited a few years ago that the tenants just left and it’s free)

OP posts:
averageisgood · 24/10/2018 21:23

I wouldn't but then I feel I've made too many mistakes already.
You are not carefree without responsibilities. Why is he moving away? Why not carry on renting it out and stay put if his feelings for you are so strong? You have your dd, and he just wants rent-free living? Be equally astute and keep your independence.

Birdsgottafly · 24/10/2018 21:24

What's his attitude to spending and mo ey like? What's his attitude towards unwaged Women/Mothers?

Have you discussed how you would budget and work out the finances?

Have you discussed housework and what his expectations would be?

The worst part is his ability to tell you to get out and having no-where to go.

I your circumstances, I don't think a year is enough. You are still in the honeymoon period.