Financial AIBU

[starfish2020]

Don’t want to drip feed so here are the basic facts.
I am a single mum to a disabled DC.
Full care required for him.
Been managing fine on my own, and yes I am on benefits
Before I had DC I was working.
Now I met a lovely guy and it’s been a year and he wants us to move in together.
He has a house, and a job.
His job is not well paid (minimum wage job)
As much as I’d love to do it and could do with support and company I am worried about finances.
I will lose my independence and rely on him solely
I don’t like that.
Am I being stupid?!
I simply can not get a job as I am a carer.
I don’t have a lot, but have enough not to have to ask anyone for anything.
Anyone been there?! Moved in with partner and ..... made it work?! Or it didn’t work
I honestly don’t know what to do.
I feel we can not survive on min wage alone.
I’d lose all my independence and income.
Oh I just don’t know what to do. If money was no object I would’nt be even thinking about it

I don't know if it's different in the uk (Australian) but can't you reapply for benefits if you need to?

If he’s living four hours away, how is he going to work? I would do nothing until he has a new, permanent job. Have some honest and open conversations anbout both of your ro,es in the future. How does he feel about going through the solicitor regarding the house? If he is opposed to it, then that is a rd flag. I guess because it’s so far, there’s a time pressure. However, I would wait a while. Use FaceTime etc to keep in contact.

How does your dc feel about the move?

If it doesn’t work out, wouldn’t you e able to reapply for edit?

Don't understand how he can move and keep his job
Why would he move if his priority is you

I don't know if it's different in the uk (Australian) but can't you reapply for benefits if you need to?

The issue is that the benefits system is changing here in the UK. The OP may currently be on legacy benefits, which usually pay more, and then be forced to change to the new system. The major issue, too, is that there are no common law rights for live-in lovers/unmarried couples so if the OP gives up a secure tenancy (private letting in the UK is very insecure and expensive) to move 4 hours away for her boyfriend and it doesn't work out, he can tell her to leave and she has to go. That can be very bad in the UK, where private landlords do not have to take residents in receipt of benefits or children and render the OP and her children homeless, and if she's in a council that doesn't have a lot of social housing available, that can mean being stuck in a B&B hundreds of miles away.

She would be assuming all of the risk for a boyfriend who isn't taking any for her, despite all his honeyed words.

There's a thread on here now from a woman who became pregnant with twins via contraceptive failure. Her unmarried partner convinced her to continue the pregnancy. The babies are only 1 and she jacked in her job to work for his company. 'It was all going to work out' according to him.

Guess what? He's told her it's over. She's in very bad trouble financially.

It's never a good idea to forgo your financial independence for a boyfriend or girlfriend. NEVER.

@dontalltalkatonce holy shit that is crap. So basically you have to get married before moving in, or have a joint lease or contract?

In Oz it's hard to get a private landlord to rent to someone on benefits too, if you want to live in a half decent area. When I moved in with my dp I lost my job. If things hadn't worked out I would've had to look for a new place, but he couldn't have kicked me out and benefits would have been easy to get back.

So basically you have to get married before moving in, or have a joint lease or contract?

Yes. There's a lot of support this, though, because in situations where you've both been married and divorced, and/or have kids, your assets aren't automatically the right of any live-in lover. You want that type of security, then rent or buy a place together or draw up a contract or get married. I wouldn't want to see any sort of 'common law' nonsense become legal.

Don’t do this without getting married OP. You wouldn’t have any rights to stay in the house if you split up. And I mean zero rights.

You’ve been given very good advice, ignore it at your peril.

If you can manage on your own now, what do you have to lose? You will still get DLA and carer's allowance. What's the worst that can happen?

Can you do council house swap to same area somewhere nearby?

I know of an older married couple who both live in their own houses (the wife with her adult daughter from prev marriage) that they each had before they met.