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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financial AIBU

110 replies

starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 20:46

Don’t want to drip feed so here are the basic facts.
I am a single mum to a disabled DC.
Full care required for him.
Been managing fine on my own, and yes I am on benefits
Before I had DC I was working.
Now I met a lovely guy and it’s been a year and he wants us to move in together.
He has a house, and a job.
His job is not well paid (minimum wage job)
As much as I’d love to do it and could do with support and company I am worried about finances.
I will lose my independence and rely on him solely
I don’t like that.
Am I being stupid?!
I simply can not get a job as I am a carer.
I don’t have a lot, but have enough not to have to ask anyone for anything.
Anyone been there?! Moved in with partner and ..... made it work?! Or it didn’t work
I honestly don’t know what to do.
I feel we can not survive on min wage alone.
I’d lose all my independence and income.
Oh I just don’t know what to do. If money was no object I would’nt be even thinking about it

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 24/10/2018 21:26

X post.

How far away is too far?

Have you seen/been in this house?

How would life change for your disabled child, what are the services etc like?

eggncress · 24/10/2018 21:26

It’s not shallow at all to consider that the result of moving in with him means you’re all much poorer and can’t afford your current lifestyle.
If he is “ the one” your relationship will survive another year apart in which time you can both put some money aside for the big move-in-together.

flirtygirl · 24/10/2018 21:28

No way. You would be giving up your income and it would never come back. Yes everyone is on us eventually but you would need to claim it if you moved int with him on his low income and its far less for most.

Also he would become financially responsible for you and your son. What is he like with money, how would it work?

I would only do this if this after marriage and having thrashed everything out down to the penny and make sure that we think alike on 90 % of all spending and saving decisions.

Allthewaves · 24/10/2018 21:31

Do you live in council housing or private rent or own? If council that would be a huge sticking point for me. Plus if you move what's the services like for your son? Does he attend a special school? Are you sure you would loose all benefits. If your income is that low wouldn't you qualify for tax credits/universal credits.

Gettingonwithlife · 24/10/2018 21:34

If he is the one you wouldn’t be asking your questions.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 21:34

We’ve known each other for over 5 years but been dating for a year.
He is easy going and I honestly can’t find a fault with him other than he does a crap paid job (which he enjoys and loves and I’d never ask him to change it)
He is moving to a house he inherited because his landlord put the rent up again and it makes sense he moves to a property he owns. It’s about 4 hour drive away from me.
He did mention selling and buying somewhere together but I have nothing to put towards it and I don’t want him to sell and but to suit me.
The house is lovely and area is nice and provisions fOr my DC would be better than here.
He thinks we can make it work
I worry.....

OP posts:
Orangeblossom1976 · 24/10/2018 21:36

Well, you would have no housing costs together like rent, you would have your carer's and together possibly qualify for UC...it could work. Maybe consider a back up plan if not, as well.

Orangeblossom1976 · 24/10/2018 21:37

and...talk to him and explain it all.

legocardsagain · 24/10/2018 21:38

So would you be moving somewhere with no other support network? Would you be dependant on him financially and emotionally?

There's nothing wrong with going 'all in' if you have thought it through and considered all the problems as well as the upsides. It's not romantic but neither is every moment of domesticity with The One.

How will your DC be impacted? And how will you get both of you out if it's not working?

Orangeblossom1976 · 24/10/2018 21:38

with no housing costs UC might be more as well, try a calculator online.

MaudebeGonne · 24/10/2018 21:40

I wouldn’t. You are risking everything - he is risking nothing. See if it works as a long distance thing for a while - it will either fizzle out or you will be want to find a solution together. But I would want the legal protection of marriage before I gave up my home and risked my children’s security.

It isn’t very romantic, but you need to be pragmatic.

I wish you luck - if he is a good guy, it will work out for you.

ineedabagformyhippo · 24/10/2018 21:42

What's your support network like where you are? Surely if you split it you'd be entitled to all the benefits you get now? But moving away from your support network makes it more risky as you'd be isolated if your relationship broke down

Lookatyourwatchnow · 24/10/2018 21:42

I understand OP, but I would never ever leave myself financially vulnerable to or reliant upon any man. If you want to progress the relationship, you have to find a way to do this that leaves you and your DC financially secure whether you and your DP stay together or split up in the future.

It sounds cold, but we have all been with DP who we thought we would be with forever, but sometimes it doesn't work out like that. I am so grateful that in the past I have been able to walk away from relationships without money being a factor in that decision, and that I could walk away from my current relationship whenever I needed to. Please protect yourself.

mama1DC · 24/10/2018 21:42

Does your DC not received PIP and extra Tax credits ? If so then he doesn't need to support your child, you will still have your carers allowance Which isn't much but at least if you need anything you have abit of money?

Maybe a pro's and cons list?

ineedabagformyhippo · 24/10/2018 21:43

*split up

dontalltalkatonce · 24/10/2018 21:44

NO WAY! There is no such thing as 'the one'. You have far, far, far too much to lose here for a boyfriend and that's exactly what he is after just one year. If he is in a UC area you will be VERY fucked and even if you move back to a non-UC full service area you will not be permitted to regain your legacy benefits. This would be one of the stupidest things you could ever do in your position.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 24/10/2018 21:45

As a word of warning, if you are currently on Tax Credits your change in circumstances may result in you being ppforced onto Universal Credit. Do use the calculators to help you with this decision as you won’t be able to go back to Tax Credits.

You will be eligible for Carers Allowance and any PIp/DLA. You will also receive Child Benefit. If he is on a low wage, you may still receive help with Housing Benefit.

UpstartCrow · 24/10/2018 21:45

Why hasn't he offered you the security of marriage?

eggncress · 24/10/2018 21:47

A year is too soon but insist on getting married first then he can’t kick you out ( unthinkable now but these things happen). Protect yourself and your child.
Also, if he’s so into you why is he planning on moving away from you?
Listen to your gut instinct. It’s always right.
Like pp said he could rent out his house and rent somewhere nearby to be with you.
Don’t let your heart rule your head. He isn’t, by the sound of things .

Other things to consider:
Does he plan to share the housework and other chores equally ?
Will he consider you to be less worthy because you stay at home ? So will he consider his income to be “his money” rather than “ family money” to which you have an equal right?
Will he at some point expect you go out to work to make ends meet? ( when you can’t )
What’s his attitude to marriage?
Do you know him well enough to know the answers to these questions ?

We see these issues rsised all the time on MN so you are right to question moving in with him. Not stupid at all.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 21:48

DC gets DLA
I do get child tax credits for DC

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 24/10/2018 21:49

Of course you worry, you have DC to consider and you would be the one left with nothing if it went wrong. He has nothing to lose, you have everything and I really think you need to make him understand that before you can make any decisions.

His response will tell you a lot, if he gets defensive or brushes your concerns aside (‘but we’re not going to split up....’) I think you need to pull back because it shows he isn’t really considering the implications for you and DC. But if he suggests a compromise, waiting a while longer or selling up and buying somewhere for you all (and looking into legal protections for you so you’re not left high and dry if you split) then you probably have a keeper.

Talking to him about it will be a good test actually, if he’s really committed and a good guy he will look for a solution which makes you feel secure, if not then I think you have your answer.

arranfan · 24/10/2018 21:52

I wonder if it's worth you running various scenarios through a benefits checker like:

www.entitledto.co.uk

This might give you a clearer picture of entitlements as a couple with the wages that you know about and what would happen if circumstances changed.

I agree with PP who urge caution about giving up your independence and losing access to useful transitional benefits protection if the relationship were to go awry.

Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 21:55

Don’t do it! My set up similar to yours and I def wouldn’t.
You have to think worse case scenario, where will u a dc go and live if u split up and you’ve got no money, probably no furniture or white goods?
What happens when universal credit comes in? Been in the news us carers are going to get hit hard.
What about dc, obvs don’t know their disability, but guessing it could make change more difficult to handle. I would 100% never even consider giving sone1 so much control without being married.... at least then you wouldn’t be homeless

Missingstreetlife · 24/10/2018 21:57

Don't give up a secure tenancy.
A year is a short time, give it longer.
Can't he sell, or rent the house and stay nearby, or stay with you at weekends.
Is he changing his job?

Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 21:59

And if he’s moving 4 hours away, will he have a job at all?

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