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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financial AIBU

110 replies

starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 20:46

Don’t want to drip feed so here are the basic facts.
I am a single mum to a disabled DC.
Full care required for him.
Been managing fine on my own, and yes I am on benefits
Before I had DC I was working.
Now I met a lovely guy and it’s been a year and he wants us to move in together.
He has a house, and a job.
His job is not well paid (minimum wage job)
As much as I’d love to do it and could do with support and company I am worried about finances.
I will lose my independence and rely on him solely
I don’t like that.
Am I being stupid?!
I simply can not get a job as I am a carer.
I don’t have a lot, but have enough not to have to ask anyone for anything.
Anyone been there?! Moved in with partner and ..... made it work?! Or it didn’t work
I honestly don’t know what to do.
I feel we can not survive on min wage alone.
I’d lose all my independence and income.
Oh I just don’t know what to do. If money was no object I would’nt be even thinking about it

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 24/10/2018 22:05

I can see the attraction of a nice house in a nice area for your and your dc.

However, what concerns me is that, at the moment, you are the main carer for your son and only him. You have probably got in a good,routine caring for him, and live within your means.

However, when you move in with your dp, will,you then be expected to,do everything for him as well. Ie. Will you gain ‘another child’?

I think you are wise to be concerned.

Petalflowers · 24/10/2018 22:05

Good point Study.

DeaflySilence · 24/10/2018 22:06

"I’d lose all but carers allowance"

Are you sure you would?

If his income is low, would you not (as a couple, raising a disabled child) be entitled to WTC, CTC, Carer's allowance, and possibly other benefits?

Have you done a detailed breakdown?
Itemise everything each of you has and pays (in terms of incomes and housing costs) now , and everything you would have and pay as a couple, living together and raising a disabled child.

You might find it's not that different.

averageisgood · 24/10/2018 22:10

And I'm sorry, I'm all for people being happy in their work, but when you have a child, you must put the child first and get a job that can cover the costs of bringing up children.
I wouldn't move for this man child. Because that is what he is if he won't look for a better paid job. I know it is harsh, but that is the truth

toherdoor · 24/10/2018 22:10

If he's lovely then try to make it work. Figure out what you'll still be entitled to and what your joint expenses are. If he inherited the house then are you saying there's no mortgage? So you'd be living rent free?

SavageBeauty73 · 24/10/2018 22:13

What's your housing situation now?

NoraButty · 24/10/2018 22:16

I get a good feeling about him from what you’ve said. I did similar, my DC wasn’t disabled but he was very young and I was very part time so I relied heavily on benefits for financial independence. 12 years on and we’re still going strong.

To be extra extra sure and as insurance for you and your DC to give you peace of mind, seeing as you are just a tad reluctant, I think squirrelling away a bit of a fuck off fund is a good idea. Maybe tell him ‘yes, but not just yet’ while you secretly secure your back up. If he’s as good as he sounds he will understand.

I know having a back up plan doesn’t sound exactly romantic but while you feel vulnerable it’s best for all three of you if you being together is what you actually want as opposed to staying together from lack of choice.

I really hope it works out for you.

chocolatecoveredraisons · 24/10/2018 22:17

If he's on minimum wage then he earns 15.5-16k a year (37.5 hours a week job)
You would still be entitled to full CTC with one child at home. Plus your child should get disability help plus a few other benefits due to low income.
You wouldn't lose everything bar carers allowance?

Sorry if I've gotten that wrong and not understood properly. If you want to do it then do but maybe give it a bit longer. You're the one making a sacrifice, not him

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:20

Maybe i got it wrong in my calculations
He earns about 16.2k a year
And owns a house

OP posts:
Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:22

*SavageBeauty73

What's your housing situation now?*

I rent from housing association

OP posts:
Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:24

I’m not a “I believe I happy ever after”
I am not an “idilic” person
I know challenges that are ahead of us
He is aware of it all
He is saying that he wants us to be a family
I do too
I just worry about finances and he says we will make it work
I dont know how
Maybe because I never had shared finances before

OP posts:
Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:27

How his he gettin 16k a year when he moves 4 hours away tho?

dontalltalkatonce · 24/10/2018 22:29

he says we will make it work

That's simply not good enough. You are risking everything, moving 4 hours away from all your support network, giving up your secure tenancy and your benefits for a boyfriend. That's about as close to financial suicide as you can get.

Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:30

If he truly wants you to be a family he’ll marry you, so you can be secure in the knowledge you and dc won’t be left homeless and skint if things don’t work out

Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:31

God, the fact you’d be giving up a 4Life tenancy makes this even more reckless

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:31

I have no support network where I am as have no family at all
He would marry me today .....
It’s me that’s not sure

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Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:32

It’s not a 4 life tenancy
I am with HA so 5 year at a time tenancy

OP posts:
Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:33

Do U have right to buy with that?

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:34

Sorry
Let me make this clear.
He would marry me and adopt my DC as his own
That never was an issue
My AIBU was mostly
Should I relay on benefits or on a man (because that’s what it kind of boils down to in my friends words tonight)

OP posts:
Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:34

No right to buy

OP posts:
Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:36

Benefits every time, they don’t stop if he decides to shag someone else

Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:37

Or bite the bullet and get married with no prenup, b4 u move out of your home

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:37

And normally I would agree with this
But it just doesn’t seem like the right approach inthis situation studyinghell

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Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:38

He is willing to put the house in both our names
I do t know how that works but he is willing to do it

OP posts:
Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:39

Anyone more experienced on property ladder please reply

OP posts: