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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financial AIBU

110 replies

starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 20:46

Don’t want to drip feed so here are the basic facts.
I am a single mum to a disabled DC.
Full care required for him.
Been managing fine on my own, and yes I am on benefits
Before I had DC I was working.
Now I met a lovely guy and it’s been a year and he wants us to move in together.
He has a house, and a job.
His job is not well paid (minimum wage job)
As much as I’d love to do it and could do with support and company I am worried about finances.
I will lose my independence and rely on him solely
I don’t like that.
Am I being stupid?!
I simply can not get a job as I am a carer.
I don’t have a lot, but have enough not to have to ask anyone for anything.
Anyone been there?! Moved in with partner and ..... made it work?! Or it didn’t work
I honestly don’t know what to do.
I feel we can not survive on min wage alone.
I’d lose all my independence and income.
Oh I just don’t know what to do. If money was no object I would’nt be even thinking about it

OP posts:
averageisgood · 24/10/2018 22:43

so marry him, put the house in both your names, tell him to get a job that pays enough to support a family, see if he can do the actions behind his chat of he'll "make this work".
You are not making a choice of living off benefits or living off a man. You are the mother of a child with special needs, and your life is impacted by that in such a way it leaves you vulnerable. And you child depends on you and will possibly do so for life. That is what you have to consider, not what the internet thinks

Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:43

Puttin a house with no mortgage in both of your names is effectively giving you half a house. Make sure everything is checked by solicitor. I know it sounds cold but you’ve got ds to protect, & the fact u said BF would adopt him makes me think your ds hasn’t got a Dad to rely on, so you’ve got no choice to be mechanical about it

eggncress · 24/10/2018 22:45

Yes , marry him before you move out of your own home.
Think of your dc.
In this situation marriage gives you protection otherwise you could find yourself and dc homeless.

AgnesBrownsCat · 24/10/2018 22:45

I wouldn’t move in with a man after a year if I wasn’t married to him . Esp when there are children involved . If he lives you he’ll wait and if you live him he will too .

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:46

averageisgood
Knowing what I know about his previous employment I’d never ask I him to cha he his job

OP posts:
Jimjamjooney · 24/10/2018 22:47

It's obvious you aren't going to listen to the many posters telling you to stay put for various reasons so just do it.

Be very careful OP.

AgnesBrownsCat · 24/10/2018 22:48

Love not live

Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:48

So is he going to travel 4 hours to his minimum wage job :/ or does he transfer?

April2020mom · 24/10/2018 22:48

How old is he now? Please marry him now before you move out of your house. Marriage in this particular case gives you other options.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:49

I asked because I felt I wanted to go for it
I also know MN people are brutal
I hoped to get advice
Still looking for it

OP posts:
averageisgood · 24/10/2018 22:49

Well then I'm sorry but this isn't going to work long term. You have to be willing to have the harsh talks. Talks about money and responsibilities. I have been married twice, lived with a man three times, and that is the one thing that could break everything. To go into this with a child, you have to face cold hard facts. If you are going to live with this man, then what he does for a living and the amount he gets paid affects your child. You child must come first.

Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:50

We have all given you advise, if u stay put or go, you just don’t like it

SushiMonster · 24/10/2018 22:50

You've been going out one year. Slow. Down. You're mad to think about giving up your independence for a man you've been with for one year.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 24/10/2018 22:52

I asked because I honestly don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Studyinghell · 24/10/2018 22:55

Ur obviously capable, you’ve kept a home and looked after you ds alone for years, so just use your common sense. You would be CRAZY to upsticks, move yours and ds life for a bf you have been with for a year, not already lived with, with no Financial protection

19lottie82 · 24/10/2018 22:55

If his job is NMW then you won’t lose all your benefits. As advised check the “turn2us” website to see what you could claim.

Somerville · 24/10/2018 23:03

So he fully accepts you can't work because you have to care for your child, and wants to marry you? And knows your child is disabled and will need extra time, care and support throughout their life, and wants to adopt them? But... doesn't want to change careers or work more hours to provide properly for this new family he wants to create? That makes me dubious about whether he understands the full ramifications of all this, TBH.
I think you should slow things down. If the love, friendship and respect are really there ("the one" is bollocks, by the way) then he'll sell or rent out that property to stay nearer to you, or make long distance work for a while. It's not a decision you should make unless you're utterly certain, and you're not.

UpstartCrow · 24/10/2018 23:05

Men who want to coast often pick hard working women.
Wait at least a year and check he isn't one of them.

Ariela · 24/10/2018 23:10

If he's moving 4 hours away, surely he has to change his job too, to one in the new area?

Can you do a HA swap - so move to the new area still to a HA house?

ShesABelter · 24/10/2018 23:10

Why can't he move into your current home with you for awhile and see how things go.

No way would I marry someone after only a year in your situation..

Eggsinapan6 · 24/10/2018 23:13

If he moves to a large inherited house, assume that the running costs, bills will be high, this includes higher council tax. If there is a spare room, he could rent this out tax free, up to a certain amount per year. I would let him move first and see if the relationship keeps going. He would also I assume need a job. Does he want marriage and more children in the future ?

VintageFur · 24/10/2018 23:14

I wouldn't give up my HA tenancy for a man I'd only been in a relationship with a year... And my kids are not SEN!

I'm also wondering what his "angle" is promising you half a house... It's one thing to go halves on Tesco and the cleaning rota. But half a house? Bizarre!

So it's a no from me. I would never ever put my independence in the hands of anyone else again. Fwiw I married a man who was forever chasing MW jobs - it sucks the life out of you.

AutumnalFeelings · 24/10/2018 23:20

And I'm sorry, I'm all for people being happy in their work, but when you have a child, you must put the child first and get a job that can cover the costs of bringing up children.
I wouldn't move for this man child. Because that is what he is if he won't look for a better paid job. I know it is harsh, but that is the truth

Definitely harsh; the truth - debatable. We need cleaners and carers and HCAs and shop assistants to survive in a functional society. And they have the right to have children. Doesn't make him a 'man-child'.

I'm not sure OP. Does sound risky. Use entitledto to see what you might be eligible for. My sister lives with my mum, who owns her house, and she still gets a decent amount of UC (she has an autistic child).

nakedscientist · 24/10/2018 23:31

I'm going to take a totally different tack. Are you afraid to do something for you? Have you dedicated yourself to your DS and it feels scary to be in love and do what would make you happy?
If he will marry you and out the house in both your names ( easy via a solicitor) and you love him and he loves your DS he sounds great.
You need to sit down and do some proper budgeting but on the whole, I'd say do it and be happy.

nakedscientist · 24/10/2018 23:32

*put

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