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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a bully and controlling?

146 replies

Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 16:16

Hi all,

Am having massive doubs about my relationship with dh and am feeling very lost. Basically sometimes he's nice to me but sometimes he isn't... He can be really nice then say something that upsets me.

For example, he won't let me have the heating on even though I'm cold, he had a go at me for ordering a tub of hummus with the shopping saying next time I'll have to show him what I'm ordering first. I am also afraid to use my phone around him bc he always gives me dirty looks and says things like I saw that... Last night I was trying to contact a friend whilst in the loo (!) and he said he caught me. He also gets moody if something doesn't go his way or isn't done for him. He says he does everything for me...and uses the fact I get ill a lot to say he always looks after me.
Whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel, he is dismissive and uses the fact I suffer with anxiety and some depression to say I'm not thinking straight.

Really struggling to know what to do :(
What do people think?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/10/2018 10:34

Hang on. All this advice about Nicki g him out and changing the locks - they're married! House might be in OP's name but they're married! Switch sexes and what is the advice? Assets are up to a point, joint.

Yes he's abusive, so best advice is see a solicitor before doing anything. Just do it soon.

AlphaBravo · 25/10/2018 10:38

"Trouble is I'm so scared of leaving in case it makes my anxiety and depression worse"

Living with a controlling prick for the rest of your life will make it 1000x worse.

Jux · 25/10/2018 14:23

You'll never meet the Prince if you stick with the frog.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 06/11/2018 15:52

Hi all,

Just want to say thank you for all your messages and for not replying. After I posted I was really ill and have been having loads of tests/trips to drs to find out what is wrong. Basically because of this I haven't left...
As on previous occasions dh talked to me and apologised etc...things have been better with him some of the time but I still want to leave?

I feel like he's not being as supportive as he could be during this worrying time and if I feel down just gets irritated by me. I just keep doubting myself thinking that he's nice a lot of the time and does stuff for me but then quite often he's moody and says hurtful things. :(

OP posts:
TangoThroughTheNight · 06/11/2018 16:33

Oh dear OP, I have every sympathy for you having been there myself. One thing's for sure, he will make sure you remain depressed and anxious because that makes you easier to control. You might not be ready now, but when you are you have grounds to involve the police because this is coercive control, which thankfully is now against the law. Apart from urging you to run from this man, which ultimately you must otherwise he will surely break you, I strongly suggest you keep a diary. You need to be careful this isn't found, maybe email events to a trusted friend and have them just file the emails,. then delete what you have sent (and remember to empty your deleted file). Write down every single thing. Good and bad. You will see a pattern emerge over time that will help you leave and also help you build a case against him if you choose that route. I am deeply concerned about the physical aspects to the abuse you are experiencing, and that was my turning point, it was when I finally realised enough was enough. Please look after yourself OP

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 06/11/2018 17:11

Thank you for your reply. It's just very hard to know what to do. I want to make it work but don't see how it can.

OP posts:
Jux · 06/11/2018 18:22

I'm afraid frogs don't turn into Princes.....

Of course he'll be nice to you, a bit, when he can be bothered, when people know you're going through a medical problem. He doesn't want his adoring public to think he's a bastard being vile to a woman who's ill.

All abusive gits are nice, a bit, sometimes. If they unremittingly horrible no one would stay, would they? Just because he can be bothered to be all right sometimes doesn't mean he's not an abusive bastard, it just means he is capable of be8ng nice but chooses not to be.

He's a bloody frog.

spidersonmyceiling · 06/11/2018 18:49

I ended up staying with my now ex for too long. He started like yours is doing now. Please do consider speaking to a solicitor do you can keep the house, you don't want to lose anything to your abuser x

marvellousnightforamooncup · 06/11/2018 18:57

I'm afraid you can't make it work. It isn't a matter of trying to please him and everything will be rosy. He will find something imaginary to pick on. Your mental and physical health will suffer. You need to make a plan to leave.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 08/11/2018 18:11

so i think it's over, not sure if I've done the right thing but... feeling so lost at the moment.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 08/11/2018 18:21

You've done the right thing. Trust me. If you're not happy with him, there's a reason for that.

Jackiebrambles · 08/11/2018 18:25

Have you told him op?? You’ve definitely done the right thing! You’ll be so much better without him! Plus i agree you are a catch.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 08/11/2018 18:32

yep i've told him. am staying with friends but feel really low :(

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 08/11/2018 19:18

You absolutely 100% have done the right thing but it could well take some time before you feel that.

As time goes on, you will begin to recognise more and more of his behaviour for what it is - abuse. He will probably be in touch begging, blackmailing and threatening to try to get you to return to the relationship. Don't believe what he says. Don't let him persuade you that you are wrong.

One day you will realise that the only thing you are questioning is why you didn't walk away earlier.

Queenie8 · 08/11/2018 19:18

Ribbon14 You can do this! You can cope, break it down into small pieces. You're staying with a friend, arrange a locksmith for tomorrow or a handy DIY friend, to change the locks whilst your husband is out. Pack a holdall with essential items for your husband, and leave on the doorstep, send a text telling him it's over, he's not welcome back into your house, and his bag is on the doorstep. Any further communication will be through your solicitor xxx company.

I threw my ex husband out, with a child on each hip, and no financial income. I owned the first £50k in the house, and to be honest money was the last thing on my mind, I'd reached rock bottom, I'd been physically and mentally abused by him, the day I told him to leave was the day he lost his temper at one of the DC (thankfully not physically). My exh was so shocked and didn't see it coming that he complied. He put me through hell afterwards, but seven years later my life is completely different, I'm in love and living with my OH and my children, and we're all safe and happy.

It will be incredibly hard and difficult, it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

Jux · 08/11/2018 19:29

Well done, lovely. Yes, it's hard, but hard short term. Staying would be hard long term (and just get harder, while this will get easier).

looondonn · 08/11/2018 19:40

It won't

Not when he behaves like that to you

I am sorry

Stay strong

Frankswife87 · 08/11/2018 19:46

Op so proud of you! Were all here for you, just vent away no matter how little. Of course someone will want you , you just don't realise your value Flowers

spinningworld · 08/11/2018 19:50

I'm currently trying to get over my narcissistic, controlling ex. I kicked him out after I found about his affair, yet his controlling what's app messages keep coming.

Like you, I've repeatedly said he is nice but sometimes he is horrible. He isn't horrible, he is absolutely vile.

I'm currently reading through 269 pages of What's app messages, reminding myself it wasn't my fault. It doesn't make pretty reading and it hurts like hell.

Sorry OP I never thought I would hear myself saying what many others have said, but he won't change. Not now

Once they have gone, it does get easier a day at a time

IratePanda · 08/11/2018 20:01

Please, never let anyone make you doubt your worth, or feel like you are the reason for their behaviour. You're not. I've been in abusive relationships, and this is how they start, it will only get worse. Stick to your guns, get him out of your house, and keep your head up. I was in a a very similar position to you, with depression, illness and anxiety, but leaving that toxic relationship did so much for my mental health. My Ex would kick off about me taking insulin, saying my body didn't need it, and I was just being lazy. I'm a type one diabetic, and allowed his bullying to nearly kill me on several occasions.

You can do this, stay strong.

EllieJo1234 · 14/01/2021 04:16

An old thread but sounds like my husband, even the hummus! Be careful.

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