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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my husband is a bully and controlling?

146 replies

Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 16:16

Hi all,

Am having massive doubs about my relationship with dh and am feeling very lost. Basically sometimes he's nice to me but sometimes he isn't... He can be really nice then say something that upsets me.

For example, he won't let me have the heating on even though I'm cold, he had a go at me for ordering a tub of hummus with the shopping saying next time I'll have to show him what I'm ordering first. I am also afraid to use my phone around him bc he always gives me dirty looks and says things like I saw that... Last night I was trying to contact a friend whilst in the loo (!) and he said he caught me. He also gets moody if something doesn't go his way or isn't done for him. He says he does everything for me...and uses the fact I get ill a lot to say he always looks after me.
Whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel, he is dismissive and uses the fact I suffer with anxiety and some depression to say I'm not thinking straight.

Really struggling to know what to do :(
What do people think?

OP posts:
BackBoiler · 23/10/2018 17:25

Why does he thinks he has the final say on what food you buy! I just couldn't deal with that!

Parentingsortof · 23/10/2018 17:28

What's wrong with being alone anyway, if even you were, surely life is better being able to do what you want when you want too?

Sounds like you are sadly falling into the trap most of us have of seeing a relationship or marriage as a symbol of success.

After a shitty marriage and now divorced with two kids, I see independence and self worth as my success and I say that as a disabled woman living with anxiety and depression.

I do have a new relationship, but we are not codependent or live together, we enjoy each others company and we love each other. I couldnt see myself living with a man again TBH

I hope when you get the courage to leave you can return to the thread and update us

You are worth so much more than what you have

MsLexic · 23/10/2018 17:34

Have to say, like you I had depression and a chronic illness, but in the end it all blows up and he kicks off and you have to leave anyway. He's a controlling git.

HeffalumpsnWoozles · 23/10/2018 17:35

Haven’t RTFT but I just wanted to say I had anxiety, depression and agoraphobia due to a toxic relationship. I left, it was scary but the best thing ever! You’re stronger than you think, my first ever LTB!

Tinkie25 · 23/10/2018 17:37

You definitely need to end the marriage. He’s controlling. I’m another one who will bet your anxiety and depression will be better once he’s gone.

Cully · 23/10/2018 17:42

OP you deserve so much better than this. I have friends with anxiety and depression as well as myself and we are all I'm happy supportive relationships.

You can do this, please ask him to leave your house. It'll be hard at first but years down the line in your warm house with all the food you love and a supportive OH you'll be so much happier

faeriequeen · 23/10/2018 17:45

Eeek I'm feeling guilty now. I always ask DH to turn the heating off and put a jumper on and get annoyed if he sits on his phone all night. He can have as much houmous as he wants though!

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 17:59

Thanks everyone I've arranged to stay with some friends tonight but am terrified of leaving. I know he'll try to stop me and act like I'm the unreasonable one. I worried its my fault for trying to use my phone and that I'm just winding him up?

OP posts:
MrsFoxPlus4 · 23/10/2018 18:00

I’d rather be on my own than have someone tell me off for wanting to be warm and eating hummas. It’s your house, of course you can ask him to leave. I feel he’s difficult to talk to though, I’m sure it wouldn’t be easy

SausageOnAFork · 23/10/2018 18:02

Don’t let him gaslight you. You are not imagining this. This is not your fault. Do not let him talk you round.

Cully · 23/10/2018 18:06

You are not the unreasonable one. He is. If you feel your resolve weakening read this thread. Remember the outrage complete strangers feel for you.

You are stronger than you think. You can do it. You deserve so much more

TeamDixon · 23/10/2018 18:08

I would contact Women's Aid

Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline
Run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge
0808 2000 247
[email protected]*

They will help you leave him or with legal advice to get him out!

Troels · 23/10/2018 18:11

Go before he's home, you don't need to justify why you are going and persude him of anything, this is your life to live your way and he's an abusive arse, just go.

AdoraBell · 23/10/2018 18:19

Get legal advice re the house and contact Women’s Aid as suggested.

Athena51 · 23/10/2018 18:19

There are worse things than being alone. I left my controlling, gaslighting and emotionally abusive ExH 8 years ago. I left my whole life behind to escape (except my then teenage DS). I had to rebuild everything, including my self-esteem after 16 years of increasingly awful experiences that I won't go into now.

I spent 2 years alone and then met my wonderful DP, to be treated as a person of value and worth. To be loved and to love freely back. To live my life as I chose, to be free and content is honestly bliss. You can have this too.

I know how hard this is but please don't leave it as long as I did. I wasted so much precious time. I still have nightmares that I'm married to him and the relief when I wake up is incredible.

You can do this. You can be free to live your life, to eat hummus in the warmth of your own home. Sending you love and strength x

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 18:22

My friend is picking me up at 7 and I honestly don't know how I'm going to get out. I told him he upset me earlier and he's just gone off in a mood. I don't know whether I'm doing the right thing. I honestly don't. In such a bad place atm :(

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 23/10/2018 18:25

I hate to say this but do not leave him for long in your home, stay with friends for a night, but it is him that needs to leave not you. Luckily the house is in your name and it is a short marriage so legally you leave with what you brought to the marriage. But I am concerned he might try to take over the house and keep you locked out and it may take months and cost a lot to remove him through the court system.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 18:26

I don't think he would do that tbh. But who knows.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 23/10/2018 18:28

Why would using your phone be unreasonable? What do you think phones are for? Using!

What would be unreasonable would be one person trying to isolate another, and make them dependent on their goodwill, by preventing them from talking freely to friends and family.

TheApeOfDeath · 23/10/2018 18:35

You could be describing my ex partner.
I tried for a long time to work things out. I tried being more confident in arguments, then being more compliant, backing down, then I’d try and hide things and walk on eggshells. It wasn’t me that needed to change though.
It came to a head when the emotional torture and gas lighting became physical. He’d do stuff like grabbing my head and twisting it so I’d look at him and pushing dirty clothes in my face and making me sniff them.
(His Dad was the same and still is with his now completely anxious and hugely unhappy and medicated Mum. She confided that in me as she didn’t want husband and son to know she had to take meds because ‘they would make her life hell and she’d be a laughing stock’).
On the basis of what you’ve written I’d say leave him now whilst you still have your wits intact.
It will be tough and you will second guess yourself.
A friend of mine told me to focus on being able to shut my own front door in his face when I didn’t want to listen to his bullshit anymore. And when I finally could I was so overwhelmed with relief and a sense of freedom that 6 years on I can still feel it.

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 23/10/2018 18:39

I think you should stay put in your house and ask him to leave. Have your friend as back up and if he refuses call the police and seek legal advice. Is squatters rights still a thing? Could it be used here?

Troels · 23/10/2018 18:46

Heck I missed that the house is yours, get your friend to back you up and kick him out, change the locks and talk to a solicitor in the morning.

Ruby55n · 23/10/2018 18:51

This is psychological and emotional abuse. For the sake of your sanity, I think you need to leave this marriage. Your husband is abusing you by exercising control and coercive behaviour over you. If you stay in this situation, it will only serve to make you poorly. I honestly think you need to make a clean break, as from my own experience with an abusive and controlling family member, leopards don't change their spots I'm afraid.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 23/10/2018 18:52

You can do this OP. Arrange to have the locks changed and on the same day ask his friends to collect his stuff

ashleighmcconnell · 23/10/2018 18:52

Yes he is really controlling- please leave him

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