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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my husband is a bully and controlling?

146 replies

Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 16:16

Hi all,

Am having massive doubs about my relationship with dh and am feeling very lost. Basically sometimes he's nice to me but sometimes he isn't... He can be really nice then say something that upsets me.

For example, he won't let me have the heating on even though I'm cold, he had a go at me for ordering a tub of hummus with the shopping saying next time I'll have to show him what I'm ordering first. I am also afraid to use my phone around him bc he always gives me dirty looks and says things like I saw that... Last night I was trying to contact a friend whilst in the loo (!) and he said he caught me. He also gets moody if something doesn't go his way or isn't done for him. He says he does everything for me...and uses the fact I get ill a lot to say he always looks after me.
Whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel, he is dismissive and uses the fact I suffer with anxiety and some depression to say I'm not thinking straight.

Really struggling to know what to do :(
What do people think?

OP posts:

WitchyMcWitchface · 23/10/2018 16:44

If you are trapped , I say trapped because in theory you aren't physically trapped, but the reality is that you are trapped, by fear of another's reaction if you leave, for fear of what others will think/ say if you leave, for fear of not being able to cope on your own . And being trapped long term turns all this fear in on you and causes you extreme anxiety and depression. Your mind is desperate to leave but the fear holds you back.
I'm sure you will start to recover as soon as you get out of his shadow.

Aprilislonggone · 23/10/2018 16:45

Betcha all my savings your depression and anxiety would improve vastly living alone...

Storm4star · 23/10/2018 16:45

I think the problem is you want to end it but he's ground you down so much that it seems too difficult. The thing is, the longer you stay with him the more difficult it becomes. You will never get better while you're with him. Can you enlist a couple of friends for moral and emotional support?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2018 16:46

Please talk to your friends about this as soon as possible. Getting it out in the open will make it more 'real' and will enable you to make plans to leave. And you will have their support if you wobble.

He physically stopped you from leaving? That's really not good. Made my blood run cold to be honest. Please make sure that whatever plans you make, he doesn't find out about them until you are somewhere safe.

MrsArthurShappey · 23/10/2018 16:46

I own my own house with no mortgage

Is his name on the deeds?

Original poster

Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 16:47

No house is in my name only. It was my parents house and I made sure it didn't go in his name too

OP posts:

Esspee · 23/10/2018 16:47

Please do not put up with this. You deserve a better life.

HildaZelda · 23/10/2018 16:49

House is in your name only and mortgage is paid - eject him now. He's being incredibly controlling and I really don't like the way he's speaking to you as regards sex.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2018 16:50

Great news that the house is in your name.

However if makes it slightly more problematic in that you can't just do a runner, you have to get him OUT.

Does anyone have any advice on this? I've never had to do that.

TheMerryWidow1 · 23/10/2018 16:50

if house is yours, then kick him out. I know its hard but you will be better once he is gone. Get friends there to back you up if necessary.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 23/10/2018 16:50

Throw him out.

RomanyRoots · 23/10/2018 16:51

Please ask him to leave, if he doesn't borrow a friends large husband or call the Police.
I bet your illness clears up when he goes.
I would also go as far as to say he has chosen you because you are vulnerable, no family to support you and help you see the red flags.
He is disgusting, controlling and abusive.
Please get him out of your life completely, you deserve so much better.

fizzthecat1 · 23/10/2018 16:51

Trouble is I'm so scared of leaving in case it makes my anxiety and depression worse. I also have physical symptoms I struggle with and worried I won't be able to cope on my own but then I know I shouldn't just stay bc I'm frightened of being in my own

The only way to build confidence is to push yourself and throw yourself in the deep end. You deserve so much better. Also if you're worried about being alone it's much easier to meet/date now thanks to thinks like dating apps / online dating. There's so many more options than there used to be.

Shoxfordian · 23/10/2018 16:54

Call a solicitor and get some advice
Divorce him, he's horrible to you

lottiegarbanzo · 23/10/2018 16:54

'Caught you', caught you what? Chatting to a friend? What's wrong with that? Totally normal thing to do. What is there to 'catch' you doing?

Get him out (if it's your house that you live in), or leave (if not).

Original poster

Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 16:56

Can I throw him out/ask him to leave?
I'm just worried ill end up on my own forever...

OP posts:

Original poster

Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 16:57

He just doesn't like me using my phone. I don't know why. He always comments on it so I feel like I have to do it in private which annoys him more.

OP posts:

SausageOnAFork · 23/10/2018 16:58

Oh this is hard.
It’s not as easy as ‘kick him out’.
Can you go and stay with friends and see a solicitor about your legal position?
This will take nerves of steel op but you can do it.

KurriKurri · 23/10/2018 16:58

Does he come home to look after you or to check on you ?
I started off thinking my extremely controlling XH was being caring and looking out for me, but realised after a while that he was actually keeping tabs on everything I did.

I had similar re what food I got, what books I read, who I phoned, having the heating on, how much toilet paper (I or the children) used etc etc.

Don't make the same mistake I did and be stuck with someone who treats you that way for years. decide how you want to live your life and whether you want someone controlling every move. it doesn;t sound like you are very happy at the moment.

thegreylady · 23/10/2018 16:58

When you say you own your own house do you mean independent of him?

hamabr86 · 23/10/2018 16:59

My DP started down a similar grumpy road though not as bad (phone thing was very similar, he's been cheated on repeatedly in the past and was very nervous). I made it pretty clear that if he didn't pack it in I was gone (and I told his mum - I'm shameless haha) and he massively bucked his ideas up.

It was giving me major anxiety at the time though and my therapist told me I needed to put my foot down for my sanity. Trouble is you DH doesn't see that you are likely to leave if you have tried in the past and gone back, so is highly unlikely to ever make any changes and I think you are better off cutting your losses. He clearly knows how much it upsets you but isn't stopping and you need to work out if you can accept being treated like this forever

alligatorsmile · 23/10/2018 16:59

Oh dear lord, that sounds awful, you poor thing. It's not normal, you know.
Surely being on your own is better than being held in contempt by this prince among men?

lottiegarbanzo · 23/10/2018 16:59

Of course you can. Others will know the process better but I'd start by seeing a lawyer and instigating a divorce. Then telling him once that process is underway - so it's already happening, not up for discussion -and that you want him out. Contact the police at that point if you feel it might be necessary.

thegreylady · 23/10/2018 16:59

Sorry you have already answered this and I missed it.

Original poster

Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 16:59

I can but tricky as I work from home self employed so need to be here every day for that. Also when this happened in the summer and I stayed with friends, when I came home every night, the house was a mess and he didn't bother to do anything.

OP posts:

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