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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a bully and controlling?

146 replies

Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 16:16

Hi all,

Am having massive doubs about my relationship with dh and am feeling very lost. Basically sometimes he's nice to me but sometimes he isn't... He can be really nice then say something that upsets me.

For example, he won't let me have the heating on even though I'm cold, he had a go at me for ordering a tub of hummus with the shopping saying next time I'll have to show him what I'm ordering first. I am also afraid to use my phone around him bc he always gives me dirty looks and says things like I saw that... Last night I was trying to contact a friend whilst in the loo (!) and he said he caught me. He also gets moody if something doesn't go his way or isn't done for him. He says he does everything for me...and uses the fact I get ill a lot to say he always looks after me.
Whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel, he is dismissive and uses the fact I suffer with anxiety and some depression to say I'm not thinking straight.

Really struggling to know what to do :(
What do people think?

OP posts:
fizzthecat1 · 23/10/2018 17:01

I'm just worried ill end up on my own forever

OP you won't. You're young, no kids, your own home, you're a catch.

Also it's a lot easier to meet people now than it used to be.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 17:02

I know but I feel so messed up from all the things I've been through in life and suffer really badly with anxiety and depression in and off.. Who's going to want me? :(

OP posts:
Redwine1066 · 23/10/2018 17:02

Ribbon do you live in your own house?? x

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 17:03

Yep live in my own house.

OP posts:
dontquotem3 · 23/10/2018 17:05

Dueces. Prioritise yourself OP.
I hope you manage to get rid of him. Flowers

Storm4star · 23/10/2018 17:05

Is it really better being with someone who leaves you in the cold, won't let you eat what you want or talk to people freely? You are in a prison. And yes, it would probably come as a shock at first, deciding things for yourself after such a long time. But it's freedom. And I can guarantee that in a years time you will be so happy you ended it. When you are sitting in your nice warm and peaceful home. Relaxing with nice food and chatting with friends.

Goldmandra · 23/10/2018 17:05

You need to understand that he gets pleasure from controlling you. He isn't ever going to stop wanting to do it.

You don't need him to agree that the relationship is over. He never will. You only need to decide that living with this level of coercive control is not what you deserve.

The relationship is only likely to get more abusive as it becomes more entrenched.

When you decide to end this relationship, write down how you expect him to respond. He will probably start by dismissing your words, then move onto ridiculing you. This may morph into anger when you persist followed by fake devastation, accusations that you are hurting him on purpose, declarations of undying love and promises to change. These will probably be interspersed with threats and insults. Go back to the list and tick off each stage as it happens. This will help prepare you for the next one.

The promises to change are worthless and will be forgotten as soon as you let him back into your life.

You need to think through every one of these scenarios so you are prepared for them and also research the grey rock technique.

Once you are rid of him, your only regret will be that you didn't chuck him out earlier. You have to forgive yourself for this by the way.

Look into the Freedom Programme which will help you to understand his behaviour and your own responses to it.

The nice times do not make the unpleasant bits worth it. This man has no love or respect for you. He simply enjoys controlling and manipulating you. He is using his version of looking after you as a way to make you feel obliged to him. It is simply a way of wielding power over you.

This man gaslights you, causes you physical discomfort, denies you the right to choose your own food, isolates you from your friends and abuses you financially and emotionally at least. You do not deserve this.

If he sees this thread, he will tell you that MNers are idiots who want to cause you harm and find a way to stop you accessing the internet 'for your own good'.

You need to get some support from friends, make a plan to end the relationship, stick to it and then keep a list of all the things he has done to you that you can read every time he gets into your head and tries to worm his way back. He's onto a good thing living with you rent-free. He won't give it up easily.

Good luck Flowers

DeadGood · 23/10/2018 17:07

"I've tried to end it before and every time he manages to talk his way out."

"I tried talking to him back then but it was no use."

The problem is you keep waiting for his permission and agreement to end things. You aren't going to get this.

If you want to end the relationship, end it. I know it isn't that simple - you will need to take steps to arrange support and even protection from friends first - but the very first step is to get your head around this fact - he WILL NOT AGREE to ending the relationship. It won't be a negotiation. You have decided you want to end it, and that's it.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2018 17:07

He is. YOu are in a good position as you own your home and don't have kids. Please talk to Woman's Aid, or a local Domestic Abuse charity in your area, go on The Freedom Programme. You need to chuck him out.

fizzthecat1 · 23/10/2018 17:10

OP does he even pay you rent? He shouldn't be winging about Bills if he isn't

morningconstitutional2017 · 23/10/2018 17:10

Ribbon who's going to want me? You're truly better off alone than with this awful bully. You must get outside help from women's aid - you can't do this by yourself. Don't let him talk you out of it.

Christ, if I was married to this bastard I'd be sorely tempted to put poison in his tea.

fizzthecat1 · 23/10/2018 17:10

whinging*

BewareOfDragons · 23/10/2018 17:10

He didn't come home at lunch to look after you.

He came home at lunch to check up on you.

I am pretty sure your anxiety and depression will be lessened when you get rid of this abusive, controlling asshole who's probably responsible for a lot of your anxiety.

Ask your friends to help you leave.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 17:11

Why would he pay me rent? We're married.

OP posts:
Clairalou41 · 23/10/2018 17:12

Wow so typical of domestic abuse ..after 12 years of it I must of hit every part of the spectrum..just because he isn't actually beating you black and blue .he is doing so by emotional abuse...stop making excuses for him n leave there's plenty of help for you to restart your life but you have to want it enough in order to work ..after relocating I've been free of the life I had ..I have to say what I suffered wasn't a life it was mearly existance. I had and still suffer from depression and physical disabilities but in order for others to help you have to want help .. I didn't have anybody either..But that's a perfect reason for an abuser to gain strength..everyone was fed up offering advice and listening to the same old story of what he had done .. by leaving and going into a refuge I was rehoused and made new friends who understood what I had been through ..refuge will organise legal help with many things ..there's plenty of help if you want it ..good luck I'd do it now before the mental abuse becomes physical

Volant · 23/10/2018 17:12

Seriously, I can't see how leaving would make your anxiety worse. Imagine the sheer pleasure of being able to control the heating as you want it, being able to phone a friend without worrying that he will "catch" you, being able to eat what you want, not being treated as a sex object.

I know there are other considerations, but given that you have your own house one of the usual major worries about leaving doesn't apply to you. I would strongly suggest you phone Women's Aid as soon as you possibly can to find out how you can get this arsehole out of the house and out of your life.

SushiMonster · 23/10/2018 17:15

I am pretty sure your anxiety and depression will be lessened when you get rid of this abusive, controlling asshole who's probably responsible for a lot of your anxiety.

Yup

Also, wouldn't you rather 'be on your own' than with someone who treats you like absolute shit? You deserve so much more.

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 23/10/2018 17:16

OP I was married to a man like this. I left with a lot less than you, £20k in debt, no home to call my own, self esteem through the floor and suffering with depression/suicidal thoughts because of the emotional, mental and physical abuse I suffered. I was no one. I was merely a shell of a person because that’s what he had made me. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it made me who I am... a right gobby, confident, self assured woman who no longer needs the anxiety or depression medication and lives a happy and fulfilling life. Because of how he treated me, it made me see exactly what I didn’t want in a relationship and now I’m married to the worlds most wonderful man... I pinch myself because he is so perfect for me but sometimes I worry that my ex was right and I don’t deserve all this happiness and to feel this good when really it’s just a bloody normal bog standard relationship between two loving people!

I put up with so much abuse and shit from my ex. It was really nasty manipulative stuff, made to belittle me and make me feel less than human. But as huge as all that was, I never left because I loved him/he loved me/I could change him/etc. The straw that broke the donkeys back was his response when, in the middle of a night of abuse, I asked how he’d feel if someone in his family was treated like he treated me. His answer was that they wouldn’t be as stupid or pathetic enough to stay with someone like him. That’s when my eyes opened to the fact he actually enjoyed the control and the power and to make me cry and beg.

What I’m saying is you’re not alone. It’s hard to leave and I get that. But don’t let him shuttle you down to nothing as it’s harder to build yourself back up!

ALongHardWinter · 23/10/2018 17:16

Sorry OP,but I think you know the answer to this. He 'tells you off' for ordering a pot of hummus,and won't let you have the heating on when you're cold? Those 2 things in themselves would raise serious doubts in my mind if it was happening to me. Believe me,you will be happier on your own.

Jux · 23/10/2018 17:17

You won't be alone forever, really really you won't - unless you want to be of course!

Look, you are anxious and depressed. Your h is doing you more harm than good. He has made you feel powerless, but you're not. How is he looking after you when what he's doing is taking away your self-confidence and esteem? HE IS NOT.

When he is out, phone Women's Aid.
Phone CAB to find out what you might be able to claim if you were to dump him and had to manage financially without his input.

When you've had a chat with those agencies, think about what you could do.

Imagine living without the Spectre of the Beast constantly putting you down, giving his orders, being controlling and nasty. Really imagine it, imagine where you would like to be in 5 years' time: living happily in your house, with some friends round having a laugh over a bottle of wine and a silly rom com, with bowls of hummus which you are all enjoying. You are free to spend an evening with your phone, or with friends, and you do have a very special man who is happy that you're having a good time with your friends this evening.

You can do it. The more you imagine yourself free and happy in the future, the better you know what you're aiming for, and the easier it becomes to achieve.

Read the opening post of this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

You are so right. Your h is a bully, but there is also this YOU DESERVE BETTER.

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 23/10/2018 17:18

I also say “I would have walked out if he’d just punched me in the face”

That’s what makes the emotional and mental abuse so hard. Deep down you know it’s bad enough to leave, and if a friend confided in you that they were treated that way, you’d advise them to leave. It’s like the steady drip drip drip wearing you away slowly.

SusannahL · 23/10/2018 17:21

He won't change OP.

That's all you need to remember.

Rudgie47 · 23/10/2018 17:23

I think you need to go see a solicitor tomorrow regarding how to get him out of the house and also regarding starting a divorce.

I'd be inclinded to get the locks changed and dump his stuff on the step but I don't know what his rights are. If hes has none then I'd do this and phone the Police if he starts causing bother.

BiscuitDrama · 23/10/2018 17:25

Why is he in control of how much is spent, on heating/food etc? Do you have a joint account and do you have a good grip on your finances?
I’m trying to work it out a bit. Smile

Inertia · 23/10/2018 17:25

He will never give you permission to end the relationship.

You don't need his permission to end the relationship.

You can instigate a divorce without asking his permission.

With support, you can work through the concerns you have about your anxiety, and the bereavements you have suffered. He won't allow you to access that support though. You need him out of the picture first.

He isn't looking after you by the way. He is checking up on you.

If you've only been married a year or so, I would think that you've a much better chance of keeping the house in a divorce settlement- the longer it drags on, the more likely it is that the house will be regarded as a marital asset which he's contributed to, rather than your inheritance. You need to see a solicitor to make sure you're protected, because your husband will tell you to leave and sign the house over to him.