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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a bully and controlling?

146 replies

Ribbon14 · 23/10/2018 16:16

Hi all,

Am having massive doubs about my relationship with dh and am feeling very lost. Basically sometimes he's nice to me but sometimes he isn't... He can be really nice then say something that upsets me.

For example, he won't let me have the heating on even though I'm cold, he had a go at me for ordering a tub of hummus with the shopping saying next time I'll have to show him what I'm ordering first. I am also afraid to use my phone around him bc he always gives me dirty looks and says things like I saw that... Last night I was trying to contact a friend whilst in the loo (!) and he said he caught me. He also gets moody if something doesn't go his way or isn't done for him. He says he does everything for me...and uses the fact I get ill a lot to say he always looks after me.
Whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel, he is dismissive and uses the fact I suffer with anxiety and some depression to say I'm not thinking straight.

Really struggling to know what to do :(
What do people think?

OP posts:
EleanorShellstropper · 23/10/2018 18:54

Please don't leave your home! It gives him temporary control over it. If he changed the locks and refused to let you in you'd have a huge battle on your hands, whether it's your house in writing or not.

You need to ask him to leave whilst there are friends with you (preferably overnight) for support.

crimsonlake · 23/10/2018 18:55

He sounds exactly like the kind of man who would do that. Have someone with you when you tell him you want him to leave and yes change the locks.

Potterurotter · 23/10/2018 18:59

Your life will be amazing without him, you won’t know until you try. Get rid. Would your grandad want this life for you? Life is short, do not put up with this controlling behaviour he has conditioned you to think you can’t manage on your own. You can.

Lemond1fficult · 23/10/2018 19:08

Hope you're in the car, OP. When you get to your friend's, ring the police.

Merryoldgoat · 23/10/2018 19:09

You need to seek legal advice and get him out of your house. Do this tomorrow. Don’t delay. He’s a nasty abusive git.

A familiar worry from women in your situation is fear of being alone - what’s so scary?

You’ll get to make the decisions, please yourself and make a happy life for yourself. I bet you your anxiety and depression will improve MASSIVELY without him.

Be brave - get advice and get him out of your life and your house.

Jux · 23/10/2018 19:21

You ar3 allowed to end a relationship even if it's 'unreasonable' to do so. In your case, it's not unreasonable. He is the unreasonable one. You can end a marriage for any reason at all or none, you can end it just because.

But you are being sensible and caring for your own mental health and physical health. You are right to do so.

So glad you're away tonight, have a bit of normality, maybe some fun, relaxed.

You could even stay away for a few nights if that's what you want to do. You are allowed to make those sort of decisions yourself.

Maelstrop · 23/10/2018 19:29

You need legal advice. Even tho the house is yours, he has rights to marital assets, although the length of the marriage is very relevant, so get advice, particularly about if you can just kick him out. If you can, then change the locks. About £7 to change the barrels.

GemmeFatale · 23/10/2018 19:33

OP I hope you are with your friend planning your escape from this marriage.

We are all here if you need a hand hold through the hard parts.

chocolatebox1 · 23/10/2018 20:00

OP - I read your post and the thread and thought "did I write this and forget?" for a minute. I'm really worried about you and the situation you're in. It sounds as though you're waiting for something before leaving him (and I mean leaving him properly, not telling him you've had enough but then staying with him). What is it you're waiting for? Are you clear in your own mind what it is?! Or like I was, are you waiting, thinking that until it progresses to domestic violence things aren't bad enough to leave yet?
A simple question - would you be happier without this behaviour in your life? If the answer is yes, then you need to end it.
I'm also concerned to read that you're both living in a house which you own. The longer you leave it to make a decision, you need to remember that he will have more of a claim on your home.
I wish you all the best

Redwine1066 · 23/10/2018 20:30

Then please ask him to leave, this guy sounds very controlling, and if this is worrying you he's not worth it, plus his odd behaviour must make you anxious so not helping you at all !! Easy to say but hard to do, but in your shoes I would have his case packed !! x

Cully · 23/10/2018 21:58

Look at all these messages telling you that you must leave. Of course it's the right thing. Please gather all your strength and realise he is in the wrong, you've done nothing.

If he deliberately makes you feel bad or that you're in the wrong that is just further proof you need to leave. You really can do this! I hope you're safe and warm and your friends x

sonicmum2002 · 23/10/2018 22:22

Dear OP - i'm so sorry to hear this. I was in a similar relationship, and of course one of the things it does is run down your confidence and judgement. Having come through it, life is much better without this. Good luck, and take care of of yourself in all this. XXX

livingontheedgeee · 24/10/2018 00:12

You need to get out but probably won't until it becomes unbearable.

At that point the excuses barriers you're putting in front of yourself won't seem important, your mental health will be your priority. You will be more depressed, more damaged and fearful of another relationship if you make the choice to stay.

I had the same situation with no family to support me and my DD, only a handful of friends (most of whom I was too embarrassed to confide in), no job, blocked access to any money and the humiliation being married for less than 2 years.

Once I found out my exH had been trying to hump the leg of every bitch in town and he then threw me down the stairs when I found out I got out. Wish I hadn't waited as long.

Here I am at the other end with a lot of mental scars but far better off than before.

BaldricksCoffee · 24/10/2018 00:57

You shouldn't be leaving your home, it belongs to you. He should be the one to leave. His behaviour towards you is truly appalling.

He doesn't want you to turn the heating on when you are cold.
You can't text or make phone calls to contact your friends.
You are not even allowed to buy a tub of hummus.
He has physically prevented you from leaving the house.

He has got you believing that everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. It isn't your fault. It is all down to him. He's the bastard here.

No wonder you are feeling anxious and depressed.

TheSerenDipitY · 24/10/2018 03:03

i can imagine your depression and anxiety will get 100% better without him there
he is making you on edge all day and night,
he pops home to "help" during the day...
hes really popping home to
a. catch you doing something you know you are not allowed to do and
b. to catch you off guard and to keep you on edge
just by doing that hes amping up your anxiety and keeping you in a state of anxiety.... do you really want to live like this forever?
you are a grown ass woman you dont need permission to have the heat on or to buy fucken hummus, you dont need permission to use your phone either!
Kick his gaslighting ass to the curb and turn on the heat and buy 20 fucken pots of hummus...
it is HE who needs YOU, you provide a rent free home and all the little wifely things he demands and you do as you are told...
stop doing as you are told and learn you are worth more than he thinks and defiantly can do better than him!

Welcome0ffice2 · 24/10/2018 04:37

If this is your house, tell him that you will put the heating on when you wish. You will buy and eat what food you like. That you will speak to your friends. If he doesn't like any of this, tell him he knows where the door is and not to come back !

penisbeakers · 24/10/2018 04:38

Christ on a bike.

You'll need a locksmith. Whilst you're at your friends, arrange for one to change the locks on YOUR house, and have them bring you the new keys. When he inevitably pitches a fit, ask one of your male friends, or a male friend of one of your female friends, to be at the house whilst he collects some things. You don't have to be there. Communication can be done at a distance via text. It's the only way in situations like this.

He is a controlling piece of shit. You do not need him and he has fucked you up mentally into thinking you will be worse off without him.

When he (he won't be able to help it) starts harassing you, tell him you will be going to the police if he doesn't stop and get out of your house. It's also fine to ask one of your friends to communicate with him instead of you. That's probably for the best until you have rid of him.

Welcome0ffice2 · 24/10/2018 04:39

Secondly, I would rather live on my own and eat hummus and chocolate every day and be happy. Than live with someone who makes me feel unhappy. We will help you be happy !

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/10/2018 10:26

OP, are you OK? Did your friend pick you up?

Please let us know.

Allergictoironing · 24/10/2018 10:44

I worried its my fault for trying to use my phone and that I'm just winding him up?

Read that back to yourself, and have a hard think about whether using your own phone to call someone a) is in any way something wrong and b) why it should wind him up?

There is absolutely no reason at all why it should wind him up you using your own phone to call a friend for a chat, apart from controlling and isolating you.

Jux · 24/10/2018 11:24

Does he also decide what you watch on tv, when you go to bed?

It is true that a lot of your anxiety and depression will disappear along with him; he is stoking those particular fires - most of us have seen it before and recognise it, and we see it here in you.

Has he ever hurt you physically? Has he blocked a doorway so you can't go through it (I think you have already said he's done that), has he thrown anything, hit a wall, kicked a cupboard?

Does he tower over you, making you feel unsafe? He doesn't need to actually be bigger or taller than you to make you feel like he is, btw. My dh is only an inch or so taller than me, and at one point I was so scared of him and his disapproval that he felt like a giant.

crosstalk · 24/10/2018 15:56

I would consider not leaving until you change the locks and take the keys with you. And consult a solicitor or Women's Aid.

You should not be leaving your own home. Can a friend not come to stay?

chocolatebox1 · 24/10/2018 18:19

OP - I'm sure you're very busy thinking and doing what you need to, but please let us know you're ok if you can. I was genuinely concerned about you after reading the thread. I'm sure I speak for everyone here too when I say I really hope that you're ok and that you are able to sort this out with as little distress as possible given the circumstances

NationalShiteDay · 24/10/2018 20:18

How are you today OP?

Cully · 25/10/2018 10:16

Really hope you're ok and safe OP