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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if some situations can be improved by having a baby?

141 replies

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 15:19

I know everyone always says a baby will make a bad marriage worse and so on, but are there some situations where someone’s life is a mess and having a baby actually helps them improve things? Or is this romantic sort of thinking and not based in reality?

OP posts:

Original poster

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 22:02

What job would that be?

OP posts:

namechangedagainII · 23/10/2018 22:07

I think steff means job being to fix a relationship that isn’t right.
Are you in a relationship that isn’t quite right but you’re worried about having a baby so considering whether it could improve your situation? You’ll more than likely find you end up a single parent. As others have said children test even the strongest of relationships let alone those that have issues.

sparklewater · 23/10/2018 22:11

It did for us. I had been in half-assed recovery from anorexia for years and my partner was trying to get himself together after years of depression, anxiety and alcoholism.

It gave us both the kick up the bum we needed.

I think we were in a fairly unique situation though - both very much looking for a reason to put all our old shit behind us.

It's not always been easy of course, but I do sometimes wonder what would have happened to dp if we hadn't had kids.

steff13 · 23/10/2018 22:11

Construction. They don't make hardhats small enough.

namechangedagainII is correct, of course. A baby shouldn't be born with the job of fixing something.

GladAllOver · 23/10/2018 22:13

No. No. No.

and No.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 23/10/2018 22:14

What if adequate is all you’ve got?

Then you have three options:-

Accept adequate
Don’t have a baby
Work very hard over the next few months to get away from whatever the situation is and then have a baby.

It is a lot harder to improve things once you have the baby.

LittleMia · 23/10/2018 22:27

I feel a bit like you're asking one thing but hearing (reading!) another...

There are so many positives to having children. So many - and you've listed great examples of these.

But you asked about the relationship and the effect on it. That's a very different question.

I think if you are trying to figure out the merits of having a child, I think you are covered.

But if you think that automatically this will improve your relationship, I think the voice here is clear. Absolutely have a child in a stable relationship for any one of the reasons you listed but don't have one in unstable circumstances. Only you know where you're at relationship-wise.

Good luck!

SassitudeandSparkle · 23/10/2018 22:35

I think I recognise you as well, OP, trouble with asking the same question a different way to manipulate the responses is that it might not work. Most of the responses here are about relationships and that's not what you wanted really.

RedDrink · 23/10/2018 22:36

There was a thread last week where a woman said her husband gave up heroin or coke when they found out she was pregnant. Surely that improved their marriage!

No relationship can be improved by having a baby.

My husband and I both said "Wow." to that. Pretty harsh and I'm a pessimist at heart. 🤨

Mesmeri · 23/10/2018 22:40

If you're not already a solid couple having a baby won't bring you closer together

Generally, I think that's a wise statement (with plenty of evidence upthread) however, we'd been together for less than a year when we accidentally got pregnant. I'm not sure if I would have stuck around much longer if we hadn't. But we did, and I did, and as it turned out we've both got right into the whole parenting thing and as the years rolled by, we discovered we make a pretty good team. I definitely love him more now than I did then.

We were both in our early thirties when we met though, and had both done a fair bit of messing around/travelling etc so I think becoming parents suddenly made us both realise we were ready to move on from all of that. And we both adore our kids.

LittleBearPad · 23/10/2018 22:41

Adequate isn’t emotionally sufficient for anyone, particularly a tiny baby who shouldn’t have to hold their parents relationship together.

Find yourself a life OP that makes you happy before choosing to bring a baby into it.

BertieBotts · 23/10/2018 22:56

If adequate is all you've got don't have kids with them. Honestly. Do it single with a sperm donor if you have to but do not tie yourself to an "adequate" man or someone you hope will improve for the sake of the baby.

They won't, which means eventually you'll get so fed up that it's likely you'll split. Trust me, this is not simply "Ah well I'll do it on my own then" - I thought that. Bear in mind -

If "adequate" means that you can't really trust him to do things properly, that means you end up having to hand over the most vulnerable and important person in your life to someone that you can't trust to look after them properly.

If "adequate" means that you can't really rely on them that means you have to find the words to deal with your DC's disappointment when Daddy lets them down again. Or explain to them when they are older why he didn't stick around or favours his new family over them.

If "adequate" means that they are not the role model you would hope for, you will have to deal with watching DC grow up and emulate the role model that he is, not the one you'd hope he would be.

Babies don't really bring you together so much as they test the strength of your relationship. It's like if you had a footbridge you were always nervous about crossing because you didn't know how strong it was and sometimes it seemed a bit flimsy, and then one day somebody leads a herd of elephants over it, and it's fine. Your confidence in the bridge would shoot right up and you'd never worry about it carrying your own weight again. (This looks like "it brought us closer together") But it didn't actually get any stronger, it had to be that strong from the start. The bridge is a relationship and the herd of elephants is the baby - a weak bridge and even an average bridge would collapse under the weight.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 23/10/2018 23:10

Op, if you’re 37 I would be looking into the donor sperm route rather than getting trapped in a mediocre relationship. If that’s what you mean anyway, your posts are quite vague. At least then you know where you stand and won’t be facing a lifetime of trying to shield a child from a hopeless father/ constant let downs.

mirandaspanda · 23/10/2018 23:22

I was the baby designed to save a relationship.... except I was left in the hospital. Obviously had the opposite effect. I've spent years wondering what on earth possessed my parents into thinking a baby could be the sticking plaster to mend a broken leg.
However, I've known others where an accidental pregnancy has brought out the absolute best in all parties. Personally, not sure I could ever have a baby and expect things to improve. But I'm definitely biased.

tabulahrasa · 23/10/2018 23:50

I think lots of people manage to change/improve situations because there’s now a baby involved, but that’s not quite the same thing as the baby actually improving the situation.

To purposefully have a baby expecting it to improve things is a hell of an expectation testing on a tiny person that shouldn’t be responsible for anything and not the same as a parent/prospective parent sorting things out so they can make sure that baby has the best circumstances they can manage to provide for it.

SoyDora · 24/10/2018 06:46

The problem is OP, as you won’t tell us the situation (fair enough) then you won’t get answers relevant to your situation. Which means they’re going to be of limited use to you.

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