Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if some situations can be improved by having a baby?

141 replies

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 15:19

I know everyone always says a baby will make a bad marriage worse and so on, but are there some situations where someone’s life is a mess and having a baby actually helps them improve things? Or is this romantic sort of thinking and not based in reality?

OP posts:
PrincessConsuelaBannanaHammock · 23/10/2018 15:41

Sorry think I misread your op Blush
You weren't just meaning a bad marriage. Ignore me!

Armchairanarchist · 23/10/2018 15:42

No!

DanglyBangly · 23/10/2018 15:42

in general people sometimes grow up when they become parents, gives them an incentive to sort stuff out?

No. Having a child will not make them grow up and sort themselves out, it’ll more than likely just mean they’ll be a shit parent.

BarbarianMum · 23/10/2018 15:43

I think counting on your boyfriend to "grow up" just because there's a baby on the way is taking one hell of a chance. He's far more likely to walk off. Or continue in the relationship as a manchild whilst you grow ever more resentful.

By far the easiest way to help ensure that your child has a good life is to pick a decent father for it, rather than try and make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Crunchymum · 23/10/2018 15:46

Ok so just say "the mess" is some kind of addiction, then no having a baby won't ultimately solve the issue/s

If 'the mess' is a casual relationship that you want to become perminant then no a baby won't help

If 'the mess' is housing or money related then no a baby won't help

Are you seeing the pattern here?

agnurse · 23/10/2018 15:48

Really, there's an order to this and it is my firm belief that if you mess with the order, things do not work out well.

  1. You need to determine who you are, as an individual.
  1. You need to determine who you and someone else are, as a couple.
  1. You need to determine who you and someone else are as parents.

People definitely do not just "grow up" automatically because they become pregnant or father a child. This is also why I personally believe you should never get married solely because you're pregnant. If you want to get married, get married because it's what's best for you and your partner, not because you got pregnant. Hubby and his ex married because of pregnancy, as did Hubby's parents. In neither case did it end well.

If you don't know who you are as an individual, how are you supposed to know who you are as part of a couple? How are you supposed to manage independently if it should become necessary? If you don't know who you and your partner are as a couple, how are you supposed to make your relationship a priority when you have children? Your relationship is how your children will learn to build stable relationships, and if that's on the rocks, bringing a baby into it won't usually solve things (infertility/subfertility being the exception if that is what's causing the stress).

Disquieted1 · 23/10/2018 15:49

"in general people sometimes grow up when they become parents, gives them an incentive to sort stuff out?"

I suppose somewhere there is a man who goes out on the lash every night, devotes all his spare time to hobbies, blows all his cash on hedonistic excess and is generally thoroughly selfish and unreliable who then has an epiphany when he becomes a father, really knuckles down and 'steps up to the plate'.
Never met one, but that doesn't mean that such a unicorn doesn't exist.

SparkyBlue · 23/10/2018 15:49

I have never heard of a bad relationship being made better by a baby. It seems to actually be the opposite. The only time I have heard of a baby "fixing" things if that's the right way to put it is when there has been a family bereavement and another family member has a baby it often helps people a bit and gives the family something happy to focus on.

OftenHangry · 23/10/2018 15:51

Oh heck no. Saw it on a friend, now single mum...
But relationships, IMHO, can be improved by having each separate hobby which makes them happy and provides nice base for evening chats.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 23/10/2018 15:53

I think it depends what the problem is and what is more important to you, a baby or relationship.
Being a single mum is not the end of the world for some people so as long as you prepare for that outcome, then go ahead.

MrsVietor · 23/10/2018 15:55

Just spend five minutes on the Relationships board and you'll see that no, having a child does not make immature people men grow up. It makes them fuck off, have affairs, withhold help in the house, then disappear without even having the decency to pay what they should for their child.

If you want to raise a child as a partnership, you need a true partner.

MysteriousQuinn · 23/10/2018 15:58

Agree with pps, the only bad situation that can be made better by having a baby is both desperately wanting a baby.

NotSoThinLizzy · 23/10/2018 16:01

See I was the opposite I had my 1st at 16 and beofre that it was very dark time for me I was drinking every day getting into trouble all the time and just generally didn't give a fuck. (Suicidal too) so along came my DD and she made me grow up and stop being so reckless. Hasn't improved relationship with her dad mind. Think it depends on the person

explodingkitten · 23/10/2018 16:02

Most relationships get worse after a baby. People don't tend to be nice, giving and caring people after living on three hours sleep for months on end.

I also don't see people changing long term. They might try at first to get their shit together but after a while they go back to same old, same old.

thecatsthecats · 23/10/2018 16:02

SoyDora

I meant my colleagues Grin

Gingerrogered · 23/10/2018 16:03

Never, ever, ever does it improve a relationship.

I have known women whose lives were in a mess who got pregnant and hugely turned it around and sorted themselves out. I think perhaps they didn’t care enough about themselves care about their lives or bodies, but they did care enough about their baby to want them to have a good, stable mother.

Gingerrogered · 23/10/2018 16:06

Lizzy, I know people in similar situations to yours. Some of them have turned out to be exceptionally good mothers.

SoyDora · 23/10/2018 16:06

Haha fair enough!

HenryInTheTunnel · 23/10/2018 16:10

I've read lots of threads about men who women thought were going to make good dads but actually ended up being quite hands off, so if he's not great now it's unlikely to improve imo.

Having a baby is great but its also very hard and is hard every day. It can be quite monotonous and you have to be a lot more selfless than you were before.

Daffodil2018 · 23/10/2018 16:11

From what I've seen, becoming a parent can definitely bring out the best in some people as individuals. I'm not sure it would make a relationship better though. If nothing else, having less sleep, less time alone together and less disposable income is likely to test even the happiest couple.

BlancheM · 23/10/2018 16:13

For me, yes. My children absolutely made my life

nononsene · 23/10/2018 16:15

Hmm, I have known a few people (cousins and a couple of girls from school) that had a baby to try and fix something in their relationship. Mainly as their relationship was coming to an end, hoping a baby would make the father would then stay with them. In all cases the father has disappeared off and they ended up single mothers.

I wouldn't say having a baby was the making of the mothers, but they all had to grow up pretty damn quick because they had no choice but to.

AnotherDayAnotherDollarRight · 23/10/2018 16:18

All depends. Fatherhood has improved my DH. Thats rare though, and very unexpected.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/10/2018 16:20

I know women who have got their shit together after discovering they are pregnant. Not all, mind, but often.

However - I don't know a single man who has done the same. Far more likely to send them further away. The same goes for relationships.
Having a baby is a wonderful thing, but it's sort of like going on a boat trip - very exciting and super fun, but not so much if the crew aren't up to the job, and even less so if the boat has holes before you even get in the water...

hammeringinmyhead · 23/10/2018 16:22

If we're talking about immature man-children then no. They see you become a mum and go "Oh cool, she's now in charge of the whole household mental load".

Swipe left for the next trending thread