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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if some situations can be improved by having a baby?

141 replies

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 15:19

I know everyone always says a baby will make a bad marriage worse and so on, but are there some situations where someone’s life is a mess and having a baby actually helps them improve things? Or is this romantic sort of thinking and not based in reality?

OP posts:

Original poster

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 18:28

If 37 is very young then indeed I am.

OP posts:

Howhot · 23/10/2018 18:30

I dunno OP. Me and OH were young, floating from minimum wage temp job to temp job, living with our parents, no goals or motivation to better ourselves but content together. Then I got pregnant. 5 years on we are married, recently got a mortgage, I have a permanent job that I enjoy and while still entry level i am earning better and pushing for more. Pregnant with no.2. DC made me be a better person and he is my world. However with regards to my relationship, it was a rollercoaster. The first 6 months of DS life were hell, me and OH both suffered depression and we were completely toxic together. I couldn't tell anyone at the time how bad it was because I knew how crazy I'd sound (we were both as bad as eachother) but we came out the other side of it and I believe we are both better people now and we are a happy family.

But that's us. It could have got dramatically worse, easily. I would never recommend having a child in an attempt to improve a bad situation

Namechangemum100 · 23/10/2018 18:31

Having a baby is one of those unique moments in life that is hard and wonderful in equal measure.

It's hard to fathom how someone can say "it's the best thing I ever did" and also "it's the hardest, most challenging, soul destroying thing I ever did" in the same sentence. But that is motherhood.

It is hard. I am right in the thick of it right now, a 20 month old and a 6 month old and it is relentlessly difficult.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, have a great marriage, but this has and is testing us the our limits.

I didn't understand what on earth could be so difficult about having a baby before I had one, and then it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

If you aren't in a committed stable relationship, then I would think long and hard about whether or not you are happy to sacrifice these next few years to raising your child alone, because there won't be any time for dating, going out etc when you have a baby dependent on you 24/7.

You will not be the same person anymore, motherhood changes you. I don't recognise myself physically or personality wise anymore, the old me is still walking around the maternity ward somewhere.

ludothedog · 23/10/2018 18:34

I was depressed before I had Dd but tbd my depression was linked to not being able to have children. My mental health has improved significantly since having dd.

SoyDora · 23/10/2018 18:34

So babies are awful, you don’t sleep, have no money and only should have one if you are wealthy and in a committed relationship because they are so horrible otherwise they will ruin everything

You’re putting words into people’s mouths. Babies are fab. Toddlers are fab. Children are fab. Haven’t got to the teen years yet so not sure about that bit.
However.... they’re also exhausting. Hard work. Expensive. Cause endless worry. If you aren’t in a strong relationship they’re unlikely to make that relationship stronger. They can put a strain on the strongest of relationships. They could be the making of a relationship, but it’s very very unlikely. If you’re not in a decent financial position then that strain is even worse.

LikeIcare · 23/10/2018 18:36

Well if your partner is the same age as you then no, it's not likely having a baby would make them grow up. If they're not already grown up in their late 30s, a baby is unlikely to force that.

Original poster

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 18:36

I know soy

But no one mentioned that did they?

Yes babies can drive a couple apart; they can also bring couples together. They can cause stress and worry but also cause much joy and happiness.

OP posts:

Original poster

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 18:37

As I’ve already said that was purely hypothetical

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Justmuddlingalong · 23/10/2018 18:37

I'm confused. Is your thread hypothetical OP?

Fatted · 23/10/2018 18:37

The only time I think having a baby helped a bad situation in my life was when my job was made redundant weeks before I had my youngest. Because I was pregnant and on maternity leave, I had more rights compared to others and was able to select the job I wanted that was perfect part time hours to fit in around my childcare. I wouldn't have got that if I wasn't on mat leave.

I do think having kids has been the making of me, made me more confident. But I also think it's broken me physically and emotionally as well.

SoyDora · 23/10/2018 18:39

You don’t seem to want to listen to what anyone is saying OP. You asked if there were situations in which someone’s life is a mess and a baby turned that round. Most people have said that babies, in general, make bad situations harder. You seem to have already decided otherwise.

Verbena87 · 23/10/2018 18:41

The situation that can be improved by having a baby is being baby-less when you don’t want to be. From personal experience, that’s pretty glorious.

I’m also way less tolerant of faffing and bullshit at work, and have a much higher opinion of the value of my time so say no a lot more. That makes life way better for me, but arguably less good for the people around me .

I also know one woman who was battling disordered eating, and was able to start eating properly when she got pregnant. The 9 months of proper eating were enough to really shift her attitude long term.

However, I can’t imagine parenthood would strengthen a weak or dysfunctional relationship. You’re both knackered, you both love the baby far more than you love each other, the whole thing is profoundly and insurmountably not equal physically, and in our case my birth injuries mean that even 14 months on we’re still incapable of mutually enjoyable fucking.

Original poster

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 18:43

fatted yes and I also know a few people who used having a baby as a turning point career wise. It depends how supportive your partner is though I suppose.

OP posts:

WineGummyBear · 23/10/2018 18:47

In a nutshell.

For every childish/selfish man who improves and becomes a model partner on arrival of a baby, there are 375,000 who remain childish/selfish.

You don't need to take my word for this. I simply need to spend the evening perusing the relationships board.

ZackPizzazz · 23/10/2018 18:49

I don't think that babies ever really "bring a couple together". If you already have a strong partnership and are a team, then in the long term I would say that having a child together adds another rich layer to your love. I sometimes joke with DH that we can't ever split because he's the only person in the world as obsessed with our kids as me except MIL god bless her.

But when DC1 was born... We were strong, he was wanted and planned, we were prepared, but my God we argued more, were snappier, resented each other for the first time, played tiredness Olympics. Four years in our sex life is certainly still the worse for it. There were times in the first year I could cheerfully have killed him just for still having the ability to leave the house alone on a whim. And he is a great dad and true partner who pulls his weight.

You do sound very young for 37 frankly OP. And rather petulant.

MyNewBearTotoro · 23/10/2018 18:51

I have a friend whose childhood was very chaotic and who had a lot of problems in her teens and twenties including addiction, a string of dysfunctional and abusive relationships and various mental health problems. Then she fell pregnant with her son and she completely turned her life around, she worked hard to seek help, break free of toxic relationships and to make a stable life for her son because she didn’t want his childhood to be like hers. She didn’t plan her pregnancy but her situation definitely appears to have been improved by having a child even though she is a single parent to him. The transformation from where she was before his birth and where she is now (he’s about 18 months old now) is unbelievable.

OutComeTheWolves · 23/10/2018 18:54

Good question pavement. I just really wanted one so I had one.

I think/thought I had a strong marriage yet still parenthood has thrown up lots of sticking points between us that I never would've predicted pre-kids. So I still stand by my original opinion that they wouldn't improve a bad situation. It is just an opinion though I'm sure there's plenty of people who think otherwise.

LikeIcare · 23/10/2018 18:54

Individuals can turn their lives around due to parenthood but it's not often that ^couples' do.

Original poster

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 18:54

I actually didn’t mean relationships at all, it was probably a bad example but it’s hard to know which examples to give.

I mean cases where on paper you might think ‘how can they/she bring a child into THAT’ but actually there was a happy ending of sorts.

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C0untDucku1a · 23/10/2018 18:55

I think if you expect your partner to ‘grow up’ once he becomes a father, youll be disappojnted. Someone who has reaches late 30s and is still irresponsible is just irresponsible. you're far more likely to end up resentful of how his life hasnt changed at all and yet yours has completely.

C0untDucku1a · 23/10/2018 18:56

If they brought a child into ‘that’! I sounds like it was a terrible start to life for the child. ‘That!’ can have consequences to development etc well into adulthood.

peachgreen · 23/10/2018 19:00

So babies are awful, you don’t sleep, have no money and only should have one if you are wealthy and in a committed relationship because they are so horrible otherwise they will ruin everything.

Babies are awful, and you don't sleep, and you do have no money, and they will ruin a poor relationship (and severely test a good one) - but they are also wonderful, and they bring joy, and they're so fascinating you don't have to go out much anyway, and they make you and your partner a team in a way you couldn't imagine before. But you've got to get through the shit bits first, and imo if you're not in a good place either yourself or in your relationship, it's hard to get through it unscathed.

LikeIcare · 23/10/2018 19:00

I mean cases where on paper you might think ‘how can they/she bring a child into THAT’ but actually there was a happy ending of sorts.

Of course there are but it's usually unplanned pregnancies that give someone the impetus to change their shitty situation.

Planning to bring a child into 'that' in the hope it'll make things better or make someone sort their lives out or grow up usually goes very badly.

titchy · 23/10/2018 19:01

Yes babies can drive a couple apart; they can also bring couples together.

No I disagree - if you're not already a solid couple having a baby won't bring you closer together, other than for the first few 'omg look what we made' moment which is pretty short lived when you're running on less than 3 hours sleep and your nipples are bleeding.

dreamyflower · 23/10/2018 19:15

I can see your thinking. Since having DS, my DH and I are much closer. We were not having problems before though. Just seems that since we've become parents we have a more loving relationship.

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