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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if some situations can be improved by having a baby?

141 replies

thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 15:19

I know everyone always says a baby will make a bad marriage worse and so on, but are there some situations where someone’s life is a mess and having a baby actually helps them improve things? Or is this romantic sort of thinking and not based in reality?

OP posts:
Elementtree · 23/10/2018 19:25

In movies, having a baby is the 'fuck me' moment when everyone realises the true value of their relationship and everyone falls into their best lives. Good luck with that.

Having a baby can add new depth to a great relationship but having a baby won't ever strengthen an ailing relationship.

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 23/10/2018 19:28

My husband is my best friend, before kids we had numerous hobbies and social groups. Our babies tested us to the maximum, I completely lost who I was, we rowed over stupid stuff as we were so bloody tired all the time.

We've come through it now, we're mates again and enjoy being together. But my husband is the best kind of dad, does half of all the chores and child care, calm, reasonable, generous and kind.

If your question is can a relationship grow after having kids, then certainly. If it's whether someone immature will grow up by having kids, possibly but it's a hard enough ride anyway, so just take care.

hammeringinmyhead · 23/10/2018 19:36

Some things are temporary. But if the "that" on paper is caused by crappy finances e.g. living on a mate's sofa or in a bedsit eating cold beans then adding in lack of wages and childcare costs will not help. If the "that" is an addiction you don't know if you will be able to get clean or not. If it's am abusive relationship these often get worse with a pregnancy.

OutComeTheWolves · 23/10/2018 20:11

Ah pavement I'm not sure why I assumed you meant a bad relationship. Yeah I can think of general situations where they might give you the impetus to change your circumstances. I don't know anyone personally who this has happened to though.

Mandraki · 23/10/2018 20:25

Going to say a big ‘LOL NO’ to this one.

trickandtreat · 23/10/2018 20:30

No! My parents tried this, I was the result but my arrival did nothing to improve their marriage. They divorced when I was five. My earliest memories are of my parents arguing, mum crying, etc. Not recommended!

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 23/10/2018 20:40

Oh pavement, or whatever you are calling yourself today, having a baby is not the magic panacea you need for your life. It won't cure your loneliness, it won't take away your obvious dissatisfaction with life and whilst it may well give you the excuse you need to quit your job, you'll find a different set of problems as a lone mother. Plus, it is beyond unfair to create another human being, simply to expect it to be the answer to all your problems.

blogask · 23/10/2018 20:55

I had massively interfering in-laws who loved to wrap my OH under their pearls of wisdom against me... was a nightmare and I did contemplate leaving our marriage over it .. But 2 kids later we are definitely in a better place so yeah in some cases it does .. wonder what ur situation is though

RedPandaMama · 23/10/2018 20:57

I would never ever ever tell anyone to 'have a baby' in an attempt to 'fix' any problems in their life, it's too risky.

That said, a wonderful side effect of having my daughter is that my anxiety level has halved and I haven't once felt down since having her (struggled with depression for 7 years), no matter how tired or ill I've been, she has improved my mental health by a million times.

SequinsOnEverything · 23/10/2018 20:59

I would say no it can't improve a relationship, but it can make someone grow up and focus. Long term it could improve your life, but so could just focusing on getting your life together, without the added difficulty parenting.

Original poster
thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 21:05

spiteful, I think you’ve confused me with another poster there.

OP posts:
Calmingvibrations · 23/10/2018 21:07

It’s brought us together in the sense that we don’t ever go out and so every night is a night in together Grin

I feel we are more united in the sense that we have a joint focus. He is the only one who is as interested in the baby as I am. But we don’t have much fun together any more, we are both dog tired and ratty. Everything seems about the baby rather than us. Not sure how normal that is, or if I’m just having a bad day!!

RebelWitchFace · 23/10/2018 21:07

The only reason to have a baby is because you want a baby.
There are a lot of people that have babies in less than ideal conditions,the majority of people probably, and that's fine.

What's not fine is having a baby as a solution to a problem. It's a human being not a troubleshooter or some duct tape. Plus it's a shitload of responsibility to put on such tiny shoulders.

greenybluey · 23/10/2018 21:08

I think it can improve certain situations.
Ie a couple who have been trying to get pregnant for years and finally it happens - that would obviously improve their situation.
Or for example me and my DH were in our late 20s living in a city centre spending all our money on alcohol, eating out and holidays. We thought we were happy but on reflection I think we were both bored of getting pissed and felt there was something missing. We found out we were pregnant and it was quite a shock.
We relocated to a more family friendly city, and "settled down". I don't think I've been happier.
For us it did improve our situation, we pulled ourselves together. But it's not walk in the park.
For most couples it's a huge strain but if the relationship side is strong and you are somewhat financially stable I think it can improve a lot of situations!

Bibijayne · 23/10/2018 21:11

I've never been happier or more mentally stable since having a baby nearly 10 weeks ago.

But I suspect I'm an outlier!

RebelWitchFace · 23/10/2018 21:19

@Bibijayne but did you decide to have that baby on the expectation that it will "fix" thing?

RebelWitchFace · 23/10/2018 21:19

@Bibijayne but did you decide to have that baby on the expectation that it will "fix" thing?

VladmirsPoutine · 23/10/2018 21:20

It seems you're playing the contrary by asking if babies are so awful then why would anyone have one. That is a different discussion altogether from the one about if babies can improve things. In the latter case babies almost always don't improve relationships hanging by a string. And in terms of the former a lot of women can't say why - they just feel a strong primal urge to have a baby. It just is because frankly weighing up the pros and cons in a logical manner would clearly show that having a baby is utter destruction.

BestZebbie · 23/10/2018 21:21

I think the only situation where a baby would save a relationship is where it was about to collapse under the stress of IVF, maybe, if not too much damage had already been done?

Original poster
thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 21:25

To be honest vlad if that’s how it ‘seems’ you’re reading a different thread.

OP posts:
GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 23/10/2018 21:41

I think I'd rather have a baby single than with a manchild in the hope it'd plaster over all the cracks. The latter could easily be more work, and at least with the former you're going into it without any expectations.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 23/10/2018 21:48

I do know of one or two families where the situation was “how can you bring a child into that” and it is now all good.

And one or two where it was a complete disaster (and the child is no longer living with them).

But what seems to usually happen is that it becomes ok. Not great. The kids aren’t “thriving”. But they are surviving. It is “adequate”.

I guess the decision is whether “adequate” is good enough for you.

SuperGekkoMuscles · 23/10/2018 21:57

Babies aren’t sticking plasters. They test the very bones of your relationship. Regardless of how wonderful they are.

Original poster
thepavementoutside · 23/10/2018 21:58

What if adequate is all you’ve got? Smile

OP posts:
steff13 · 23/10/2018 21:59

It's not fair for a baby to be born with a job.

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