To wonder if some situations can be improved by having a baby?

[thepavementoutside]

I know everyone always says a baby will make a bad marriage worse and so on, but are there some situations where someone’s life is a mess and having a baby actually helps them improve things? Or is this romantic sort of thinking and not based in reality?

Very occasionally, becoming a mother has helped a woman or girl who was really struggling focus and direct her life.

Just as often, I think, it drags her further down. And it never ever improves a romantic relationship, unless the problem with the romantic relationship was the desperate struggle for a baby. It's basically inviting a cuckoo into the nest of the marriage - an irrational, explosive, endlessly demanding, exhausting being who quite literally sleeps in your bed and soaks up most of your love and care. One of the terrifying things about becoming a mother was finding out that my ability to be an even vaguely nice and rational person was utterly dependent on getting a night's sleep.

It also never makes things better when your partner is a manchild. It just reduces your time and tolerance of manchild behaviour by approximately 95%. I've known more than one friend get divorced after they had a baby and discovered that they might as well be single and do everything for one child as be married and do everything for two.

I think a baby acts as a magnifying glass - good bits get better and the bad bits are also intensified!

If someone hasn't got their act together I don't think a baby will help tbh. You shouldn't need a reason (other than yourself) to get your act together, pinning it on anyone else is never going to work. It's down to the individual.

No, its a bad idea. Its like saying, "yeah things are stressful and strained between us right now as it is, so lets throw a screaming, pooping grenade into the relationship which will mean neither of us are sleeping well or having time for ourselves or one another."

That is the reality of it, a baby makes a relationship harder not easier.

Its one thing to accidentally get pregnant with someone who you aren't in a good relationship with or fall out of love overtime, its another to plan it.

You need to be a team before anything else.

As an individual I'm happier, I feel like I have a role and I also feel like the pain and sadness of my awful childhood (cliched growing up in care, lots of abuse and neglect, angsty preteen, poor choices in late teens) has been sort of soothed, if you like, by having had DC and made a good job of being a Mother. However, I'd already put myself through Uni and had a few years teaching with a semblance of having it together before DS1 showed himself.

However, this is the exception, not the rule, and none of the girls I grew up with in care have turned out like this. They've replicated the patterns of their own childhoods and struggled enormously.

The potential for disaster is always there with a baby, never more so than when the parents don't have the survival skills to care for themselves let alone their newborn. There are no guarantees in any part of life but even in the very best of circumstances and the strongest of partnerships babies test you to the very brink of madness.

Having a baby improves the situation of both being in a good relationship beforehand and wanting a baby. Otherwise no.

I'm not saying nobody has ever sorted their act out as a result of becoming a parent, but the world is also littered with enough shit parents for it not to be a very good bet. DH and I are also if anything even stronger now than we were before kids, but we had a very solid relationship before that, and even then we've had a few moments. If there are cracks, having a baby is much more likely to deepen them than it is to do anything else.

Also if you're the woman and it's the man in the relationship needing to 'grow up'... we live in a society where it's basically fine and dandy for a father to pretty much abdicate all his responsibilities towards his child. Why would you think that won't happen to you?

Never seen it happen!

All depends. Fatherhood has improved my DH. Thats rare though, and very unexpected.

I think if the relationship is happy and there are no major issues it can make it a bit happier. And in that situation quite a few men grow up a bit and become more responsible.

But if it’s already unhappy it always makes it worse.

I can't see how bringing a baby into a difficult situation of any kind, with the specific aim of making said situation better, could ever go well. And seems kind of unfair on the child in question.

Pregnancy/motherhood helped a difficult situation with my own mother. I had a rock solid, 3 year relationship with DP, bought our 1st home together after 2 yrs but my mother didn’t like him. She hadn’t bothered to get to know him, she was just hoping the relationship would fail. He’d been married before and had a young teenage daughter and she thought he wasn’t good enough. More than anything though, she wanted to be a grandmother and from the second I announced my pregnancy her attitude changed completely. He is the son-in-law of her dreams now. She began to respect me as an adult for the moment I became a mother. We have very different parenting styles and I had to define boundaries many times but we have a far easier relationship now than we have ever had before.

My DB and his GF had a child 6 years ago, it was a complete accident (failed implant), they were both still very immature, getting pissed most weekends, not in reliable jobs, taking drugs and not really giving a f*ck about anything. Having a child changed them completely, the both now have really good jobs, rarely go out and have a nice home, they also had a 2nd child. My DB has changed so much and he’s a great father.

I think it’s rare for it to happen and I wouldn’t reccomend having a baby in hope to fix your life, raising kids is very stressful and a huge life change, it could easily go the other way.

No, it's romantic idiocy. Having a baby never makes a relationship stronger or a situation better - it tests a strong relationship and puts an emotional, physical and financial strain on a situation. It can certainly give you a sense of purpose and meaning, but if you can't cope with life without a baby, don't have a baby on the assumption you will cope better with life as a result, as that's selfish. Yes, of course there is great joy to be had from having a baby, as well as phenomenal stress and responsibility, but a needy parent who needed a baby to give their life a sense of meaning is a huge, suffocating strain on their child, imvho. Find meaning in life then have a baby.

It's worth pointing out too that people do change and mellow with age, so many stories of 'improvement' are really to do with personal settling down, or the necessity of calming down when you aren't getting any sleep whatsoever.

I point out to my fiance that we've already mellowed so significantly heading into our 30s that a child wouldn't be the huge lifestyle change it would have been even 2-3 years ago.

That's just ageing and maturing, which granted, doesn't happen to everyone, but shouldn't be interpreted as 'baby fixed things'.

You need to be a team before anything else

This is very true. I remember sitting in hospital after DS was born and DH and I vowing to drop things much quicker in the coming months —and years— and not let petty arguments escalate etc
A year in and we have not done too badly but my god it has been hard. Even with an easy baby - no other children and a very supportive DH.

I agree with the posters saying that while it can happen it isn’t the norm for people to grow up and get their shit together when they have a baby.
Out of all the crap partners I know both my ex and friends partners they continue being selfish and immature even after a baby and in fact often more so because they know that they get to put on their coat and walk out the door and they don’t have to give anything a second thought because their partner will look after the baby and wash the dishes and cook the meals.
I’ve known women as well who haven’t grown up and got it together either. They all seem to have a willing mum or mil happy to take the baby whenever they are asked so it’s not just men.

Having a baby is amazing but it is bloody hard work and even the most reasonable of person becomes irritable when the stress of sleepless nights, crying babies and the complete change in life that comes with a tiny baby. It tests even the strongest relationship I’ve never known it to fix anything.

Men NEVER grow up in response to having a baby. Never ever because society totally enables crap dads.

Just because it happens on TV/in films does not mean it happens IRL. So many women fall for this shit.

Occasionally a teen boy, or girl will but it's a hell of a gamble and likely a coincidence that the baby happened around the time of a developmental shift and just happened to be the kick up the arse they needed.

If a grown man is still acting immature a baby will not change that.

Oh my god I haven't finished reading the thread but whatever situation you're in, ask yourself will it be improved if I have less money, much less sleep, less time to myself and spend a good few months hating my body (ahem that last one might just be me). If you answer yes to those four questions, then yes a baby is a good idea!

Why did you have a baby then?

Relationship wise I think sometimes it can make a woman who wants to stay with a dick head partner kind of wake up and see what a dick they are, leave and grow up and it can be the making of them

Also know a lady who was struggling with homelessness and addiction and she had so much support and additional assistance when she got pregnant, she managed to get back to college got a flat and turned her life around she says she'd be dead without her ds who is now 4

Because we had a strong, happy marriage, our finances and careers were secure and the time was right to extend our family.

I was speaking to wolves sorry

Exactly the same as SoyDora.

If you're thinking about be generally irresponsible or someone running their life poorly then it's about both being able to and being motivated to get it together.

Yes some young parents do find that it's the making of them (both mums and dads). They were obviously able to get themselves together but (especially in the case of single parents) didn't have the motivation to do it for themselves but they do because the baby now depends on them.

BUT not everyone does,which is a major reason children end up in care. Almost no-one sets out saying that they want to be a bad, neglectful or abusive parent but sadly some parents are and for their children that can mean years of suffering.

And the odds are even worse if you think it will improve a partner. If he either isn't able or doesn't care enough to get himself together for your sake then he either won't be able to for a child either, or he will be able to but you'll be left realising that he didn't care enough about you to do it for your sake, which is not a good foundation for a relationship or a family.

Quite aside from everything everyone else has said, having a baby as a sticking plaster or some kind of motivational tool is completely unfair on the baby!

Well yes it is but that’s not really the question.

So babies are awful, you don’t sleep, have no money and only should have one if you are wealthy and in a committed relationship because they are so horrible otherwise they will ruin everything.

You sound very young.