Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

[ShortFro]

Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

NC

The majority of black women you see in the uk do not actually have their real hair on display. Often only other black women will be able to tell.

For many reasons (I’ll expand) but largely due to setting an example to my daughter, I’ve worn my hair in its natural state for the last few years.
Obviously I’m not Lupita the Oscar winner (!) but it looks something like this.

(Lupita pic)

I have noticed that I am treated differently with my hair like this. Often ignored/ followed in shops etc. Please don’t tell me I’m imagining this. There are probably millions of posts on the internet talking about this.

I hate being treated like this, told I look ‘unprofessional now’ etc. My hair is always clean & cut professionally - it’s just not processed in the way most people are used to.

Options.

1. Keep it as it is, be often treated badly. Miss out on opportunities. Be true to myself.

1. Wigs = conform to the ‘accepted’ standard. But they are itchy and hot plus it is mortifying if they come off.

1. Weaves - this is what the majority do. This is expensive. To get it done professionally = £200 every 6 weeks. I can’t afford this without serious cuts to the budget elsewhere.

Plus: using human hair, I find the thought of having somebody’s hair in my head repulsive and skin crawling. On the ethical side, many women are exploited to get that hair.

There is synthetic hair but this often looks ‘wiggy’ and fake, like a barbies hair.

When doing weaves on a long term basis the hairline is often damaged.

Even if the photos of Naomi are doctored, I have seen in real life hundreds of women in salons with this problem. The ‘baby hair’ along the airline cannot support a weave, resulting in tension alopecia.

1. Braids. You are facing the same hairline issues as with weaves. You are looking at £50 every 6 weeks plus around 6 hours. In addition I find that they look TO ME silly and overly fussy.

1. Relaxer. This is a process where you take the contents of a box that says ‘caution, use gloves, do not allow to touch skin’ and put that on your head. You can do it yourself like with hair dye or pay around £200 every 6 weeks for professional maintenance. That looks like this

Also, make sure you never get rained on or sweat or it will become Afroish.

1. Long natural hair straightened with straightners... hours and hours of work weekly plus any time it happens to get damp...

What the fuck do I do?

ASunday that look takes a lot of upkeep actually.

Op, how do you wear your hair at the moment?

Afro hair must be a nightmare if you get head lice as well.

I know this is a thread about women's hair, but it really shocking to read about black boys being punished in school for having very short hair. Surely this is a discrimination issue and any punishment can be argued against on those grounds? Has anybody has success with that? I can see where the schools are coming from wanting to ban skinheads. Skinhead haircuts do have political history in the UK and are adopted by far right groups so it's not just about looking nice.

I've had the same problem working in a traditional (backwards) field. I now wear wigs and weaves but they are admittedly expensive. I think your best bet is to go with crochet braids (sorry if someone's already suggested these). They're simple enough to do yourself, they come in many different styles and they look very natural even with the synthetic hair (So long as you separate the curls out). I wore them for 5 years and would redo every 3 weeks- took me 2 hours to do each time... maybe 4-5 hours if you include taking the old braids out and washing & conditioning your hair. They are a very good protective style and less strain on your edges than braided extensions (and if you want you could leave your edges out for blending).

Agree that it shouldn’t be an issue but it probably is. My DD has very curly blonde hair. She has had it straightened a couple of times for fun and even at age 11, I was shocked at how differently she was treated with poker straight hair. Behaviour that would have been seen as willful with curly hair was just ignored and people smiled more at her and she blended in better. Even I found myself treating her a bit differently and I also have wild hair. I appreciate that being black will magnify this many times.

Do what you feel best. Though my recommendation would be to concentrate first on getting to a senior position and then wear natural hair.

Although for white people's hair very straight ironed lype hair on teenagers looks very working class so I think there is probably a happy medium in how far you use the straighteners or not.....

I have done some experiments at doing public speaking without combining my hair which I trim myself at home and no make up as I cannot be bothered with it all and those went fine but I'm white and quite senior - so utterly different. However I do feel I have some responsiblity to other younger women to show that you don't have to plaster your face with gunk and spend £200 on your hair and have it pointing in a certain way in order to be taken seriously at work. men my age often have no hair at all and do perfectly fine at work.

Has someone actually told you it looks unprofessional? This whole thing is shocking and just so sad - it’s hard for all women, with this pressure, but this is something else.

I know this is a thread about women's hair, but it really shocking to read about black boys being punished in school for having very short hair. Surely this is a discrimination issue and any punishment can be argued against on those grounds? Has anybody has success with that? I can see where the schools are coming from wanting to ban skinheads. Skinhead haircuts do have political history in the UK and are adopted by far right groups so it's not just about looking nice.

Hi, my friend challenged her school's appearance policy on these grounds after speaking to the Equality Advisory and Support Service who confirmed it was discriminatory. It was a school that had only 8 boys with Afro hair. She managed to convince the school that it disproportionately affected them. The school made noises about changing the policy to add a disclaimer that said their haircut is a minimum number 3 or whatever if was but exceptions would be made if having this hair length would disadvantage anybody on grounds of race, sex etc. But the school never did change the policy, just started letting the boys who had said something have their hair short. She wanted the rule changed to help all boys with Afro hair, not just hers. Now they've all moved on from the school no doubt the next generation of black boys will be back to square one.

You're right about the far right thing. She pointed out to them boys with Afro hair, ie black or mixed race are hardly going to have connections with the far right seeing as the very thing the far right exists for us to be against people like them

As a white woman I haven’t lived this whole situation. Reading your dilemmas and knowing of them from black friends of mine it makes me despair. I personally love natural black hair for women and find it almost always more attractive than relaxed/weaves/braids/wigs. However I am unlikely to be who you are thinking of who is/has/may be racist and sexist around your hair - how crap is that !

I love how many (I'm assuming) white people have suggested hairstyles on celebs that they think are natural and lovely but in reality are actually weaves :)

I've been natural for years and tend to wear my shoulder length 4c hair in a pineapple on my head. I work in a creative environment, so it doesn't really matter. I'm also quite light skinned. I stay natural partly for my daughter, who despite my encouragement hates her butt-length perfect brown ringlets and would prefer hair like Elsa...

Thanks for your responses. I’m actually finding this quite emotional and am taking my time to read through everything. The area I studied was law. I got an award at graduation for outstanding performance in international law. I got a 2.1 but all these years later I’m working in a call centre. Partly due to not interviewing well.

I’ve worked at Citizens’ Advice which is where I had my dreadlocs but it was only a 16 hr contract so after a year I had to get a full time job. I got the call centre job with locs , but here people are disposable with high turnover so they don’t care.

I think dreadlocks are a bit different. Depends on how they looked because they can look messy. I've seen white people with them too and they don't always look great.

Can I ask who told you it looks unprofessional? I'm. Really hoping it wasn't said in an official work capacity. Our work has a 'no unnatural colours or styles' policy so saying your natural hair is unprofessional would be in clear violation of this and racial discrimination obviously.

No one can make the decision for you but it seems a lot of money and time to hide your natural hair, but Di whatever makes you happiest (clearly living in a world without racism would help - hopefully one day...)

Id Just add that I've read a lot more positive stories of black people wearing their hair naturally recently so hopefully it's a tend that will continue and then you won't get as much hassle for it

Op I work in law. As a barrister I actually have to wear a horsehair wig. I’ve found many black women at the bar and who do work which requires a court wig wear their hair natural or very close to it. I am surprised that law was exhibiting this discrimination (not because of it being law - good god I am surrounded by discrimination of all sorts every day - but because natural hair is seen as professional !). Sorry you have experienced crap.

This has been a nice thread and not one of the weekly 'is this racist?' goady threads we've had a run of recently.

I'm white (2 white parents, 4 white grandparents) however due to a genetic 'quirk' have afro hair (I've attached a photo so you can see what I looked like as a child). Growing up in the 80's with 'weird' hair was horrific and I was bullied incredibly badly at primary school. I had it cut REALLY short and it was only when I was 17 and started working in a local shop and saw an advert for braiding, I started my very long 'hair journey'

I have never, ever had natural afro hair since I was 17 - partly due to my Mother getting it cut exceptionally short by the local hairdresser (who claimed if you cut it all off, it would grow back straight) and partly due to, even at 36, not wanting horrible comments directed at me - I think the worst was when I was about 7 and my Mother had asked me to post a parcel whilst she waited in the car.... I was coming out of the post office and a man was in the way - He looked down at me and said 'You're such a little freak, aren't you?' .

I've been getting my hair relaxed for about 14 years now, but have gone through loads of different types of relaxing treatments and some cost more than others. It's funny you say in your original post that you have to get them done every 6 weeks as I typically get my hair relaxed once every 3 months and it costs me £270, but that's only because my hair is now past my bottom - if it was shorter, it would cost a lot less as there would be less product on it.

I've used 'Escova progressiva' for years, which for me - I really like. It's a kind of Brazillian blow dry. However, before that, I had 'Wave Nuveaux, which I liked as it allowed my hair to have a natural wave and I didn't need to use irons on it at all so it was a bit '50-50'.

Whether you have it natural or treat it - I've found the most amazing hair serum as all the John Freida stuff makes my hair 'claggy' and also buy special shampoo that doesn't have any sulphides in it as it strips my hair of the keratin that is blown into it....

IC Hair polish - I prefer the white one, but the green one and blue one are also good. They don't dry your hair out and you don't need very much so one bottle has lasted me 6 months so far.

I prefer the pureology shampoos and conditioners as they seem to be very good from both a cleanliness perspective, but again, don't make my hair dry.

I'm sorry you're feeling like you can't wear your hair natural, or if you do, you experience such negative reactions. I just wanted to say I totally get it as I've been in that boat too and haven't been as strong as you to even question if I should go back to wearing my hair natural for years

Sorry you've had this treatment -

There was an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker where the women were being picked for the mixing thing they do - 2 black women with natural hair were told by Patti to get their hair straightened.

Amazed she wasn't called out on it.

Fluffy - Very interesting post!. Thanks for sharing.

I would keep your natural hair nice and wear good quality synthetic wigs.

I ope the poster doesn't mind those of us who are white posting. i think it is good we can all listen to each other on this. Good point about barristers' wigs.

ShortFro, I am very sorry about how your career has gone. May be it is not too late. There is a massive move in law firms at the moment for more black staff. you need a 2/1 (but you have one). If it is any comfort I didn't do interviews well. I applied to 140 London firms when I was at university and got 25 interviews and only got one offer. It might have been as I was very young (I was 19 and applied then and geraduated at 20 or because I was from the NE or I was just very bad at interviewing and obviously it would not have been colour or even gender in my case although in those days I am sure some men preferred to hire men).

May be you can get back into law now and there are some changes that may make it easier to qualify as well. [Sorry to deflect from hair to careers......]

There's no such thing as 'wash and wear' Black hair. Even if you stay natural, you should still have regular trims and conditioning treatments with decent products.

£200 every six weeks for a relaxer? You're being ripped off.
Weaves may cost £200 a time, but only if you're getting new hair every time. Better to invest in virgin remi hair which you use over and over again.

And, to be fair, MN isn't the best place to come for advice on Black hair. You've ended up with a load of people giving well-intentioned but useless advice such as 'Afro hair looks lovely'.

Google 'natural hair blogs', search on Instagram for 'naturalhairstyles' or 'bigchop' hashtags, buy a copy of Black Beauty and Hair mag for inspiration.

Im black - mixed/light skin - but afro hair. I wear it natural. But work in a reasonably relaxed field tho not a creative one. When my hair is short i find i have to up make up and clothing game to be seen as professional and appropriately dressed. Only remaining issue is people wonder if im gay.
If its longer it can look 'wild' so again careful with dress. I dress snarter than colleagues generally but thats another black given in my book. Otherwise i get mistaken for the cleaning lady, followed about in shops. For really big things i tie it up in a bun thats quite tight so it looks straight.
Havent read entire thread op but got lump of recognition at the awful feeling if being over looked and undervalued bacause of how you look. Ots awful but don't give up. Find yourself mentors in your field who champion you. Be proactive in finding solutions that feel right to you and fit at work. Hard but worth it. And dress expensive helps rather than money on fake hair is my tip fwiw.

"I was truly trying to be helpful, Deafly"

I know, and I apologise for my 'hmm' face, BiscuitDrama.

It's just I utterly despair of a society that judges the professionalism of women on their hair, their clothes, their make-up, the height of their heels and so on, while not making similar demand upon their male counterparts. So your solution (to OP not being treated well or professionally if she had clean, tidy, but natural hair) being to wear more make-up, does not sit well with me.

Having said that, I was aware that you were trying to be helpful, so making a 'hmm' face was not a nice way of showing that that I disagreed with you.

Again, I apologise. (But not for disagreeing with you )!

Don't conform. Stay strong.