To ask how to get DP/DH to share mental load?

[negunslean]

DH works long hours and I work part time (in our own business) we have 2 teenage DS. I am sick of being the only thinker/planner in our marriage. If it comes to a row about this he will often comment that he doesn’t sit on his arse all day, inferring that I have more time to sort this stuff out. And I agree to some respect. But not 24/7.
I feel totally responsible for all other stuff - family birthdays, children’s plans, cooking, booking holidays, making decisions about just about everything
How do I get him to share the mental load without detriment to our family life? If I don’t do things then other people suffer (relatives whose birthdays are forgotten, family eating constant takeaway or junk, bills not paid etc etc). AIBU to be sick of him thinking that as he works more hours and does do occasional ‘housework’ ( dishwasher etc)then this excuses him from everything else.

Don’t facilitate him,you’re unwittingly reinforcing his laissez fairy,he knows you’ll step up
Stop stepping up
You aren’t solely responsible for recalling birthdays etc
Presumably he holds down a responsible job,juggling competing demands. He doesn’t actually need you to do stuff,he’s delegated it to you, and you’ve stepped up

You have to spell it out to him; he cant check out of married life and treat you like staff, and expect the marriage to survive.

I have never sent a card on behalf of my dp,I don’t do it,he’s more than capable
However there is a societal notion of the good wifey who is the social coordinator and fixer of all things emotional
And family scheduling is stereotypically perceived as women work
He doesn’t forget to send work email or expect another colleague to do it..but on domestic and personal level he tasks it to his partner..and she grudgingly does it

Don't send cards, plan holidays etc unless you want to eg to your family, but the rest seems to be reasonable if you're part time. Your DSs are teens not little ones, they need to organise themselves, or you are teaching them to be like their father and expect a woman to sort things out for them. Bills should be on direct debit, so no mental load there. Which leaves you maybe with annual insurance renewals and food shopping.

Echoing the other posters. Stop enabling and facilitating.

Both sit down and divvy up the tasks. He's responsible for his. Don't ever pick up the slack or those jobs again.

Done.

All our bills are on DD, we don’t get paper bills, grocery shop online
We both Pick up bits & bobs as required,whoever passes shop or is free
You work less,so yes some stuff falls to you but no not whole shebang

Just this year i have told DH to do all the gift buying for his family, for birthdays/anniversary/Christmas. I also told his family i was doing it so that if he forgot, they would know who to blame.

I work full time just like DH so i didnt see why I needed to be they only one having remember all this stuff.

Also, DH is solely in charge of laundry - he needs to make sure that we all having uniforms etc for the week ahead. If he has forgotten then he needs to stay up until everything is washed/ironed.

I take on the mental load of bills/insurance/grocery shopping but that's because its all done online and I have a desk job so i can do these things on my lunch break

As a single parent with a full time job, and a rather useless ex, I do everything in my family. Even when I was married, I still expected to not opt out if everything else because I was working. Society does still seem to create this belief in men that women are responsible for everything and men just need to work. It's bollocks. Stop facilitating him.

Does this 'mental load' take up more hours per week than the difference in working hours per week?

If it does youre doing it wrong

Do you share the load of bringing in family money?

He's being lazy and choosing not to fully contribute to your lives together.

"I have never sent a card on behalf of my dp"

The problem is that if your In-laws send you joint Christmas Cards etc, then it isn't "on behalf of your DP" that you are giving things.

Likewise if you get occasional joint presents.

Op are you treated fincially well? Do you think that you are appreciated?

Because it's gone on for so long, it's going to be a difficult one to sort out, unless you can cope living off take-aways etc.

Why do you only work part time?

Can you increase your hours at your own business, so that dp can reduce his and then you both work equally. Then give him half the mental load.

I also meant to ask, are you involving your Sons in meal planning/shopping etc?

DDs are often expected to start picking up their side of the Mental Load, but not DSs, which is were it starts.

Sounds exhausting.
Whilst bringing up two DC's alone and dealing with dfs access wasn't easy, I can't imagine how it must be to still have to bring up their manchild df too
And like I say, that wasn't easy.

I went back to work (4 days so I don't have that much time!) And I do shopping, cooking and most of the cleaning so I've stopped facilitating.

I don't buy cards or gifts for his family now.
I don't iron. I wash & dry and that's now his job. I don't do bins or recycling. I leave dishwasher sometimes too. Gradually delegating more of the everyday crap so that it's more evenly distributed.

It grates me when they need doing and he hasn't got round to it but holding firm works here.

Holiday booking etc we have always done together.

If he wants a housewife/PA who does all his stuff he needs to earn sufficient that I don't need to work. Until that point, jobs need a proportional split.

Both work FT flexible hours with some from home here.
My husband took a sudden interest in laundry when I snapped and arranged a laundry collection service at £20 per kilo. I do still have to verify the sorting of lights, darks and delicates for my own sanity, but that has been a watershed moment. It gets done. Not sure if that helps but I attached a cost to what I was doing and that hit home.

I stay home and my husband works full time. I do most of the kid stuff and house work, and most of the mental load is mine. I have told him it's up to him to make sure he has clean ironed clothes for work (I do the washing etc, but it's up to him to let me know if he needs shirts etc). He is responsible for spraying stains on his clothes, I don't check, and he is responsible for sorting out his own lunch.
He does 70% of child care on the weekends and helps tidy up, and cooks Sunday night.

STOP! I just stopped. If it's to do with his family, friends or work I simply don't do it. Christmas, birthday, mother's Day etc. I just don't do it. Things to do with DS, unless I organised it, I don't do it and I only organise necessary things. Health appointments etc I now share. I've stopped opening joint mail.

It was bad at first, we were late and things got missed and housework wasn't done but I took the hit and it's now much better.

If you are part time with teenage children, you must get a lot of time to yourself? Can’t you get it done in this time so you both have weekends off to spend together? Not being goady, but genuinely think this is the reason people go part time.

Go out full time and then he will have to step up.

If you’re part time to teens it’s untenable to expect him to do fair shares so I’d change the part time.

Don’t facilitate everything! My DW does cards and pressies for her side of the family and if she doesn’t they don’t get them.
Laundry strike - wash your own clothes only, and let the rest pile up. ( i’m Going to assume your teeenagers already wash/ help out with family laundry) I found this very effective when DW wanted a ‘tidier’ house as I WFH a lot and wondered why I wasn’t bloody hoovering or cooking more. 1) because I do a lot of laundry, and hse admin plus I’m WORKING!
Holidays - I have to pin DW down on the timings because work is demanding BUT we plan them together now. I’ll say - you look at flights/ or find us a villa, i’ll See was a package would look like/ cost.
Food shopping/ meals - again I hope teenagers are helping out but looking after you and/or teenagers and not really him works. I got sick of mostly doing the shopping, even online, so often let things run out/ down. One glance at an empty fridge and DW is off to do a shop.
You’re not a PA...

I agree with Sowhat!

My DH is great but doesn’t really think about things. He will walk down stairs completely dressed and ready and say ‘shall we go out then’ and look at the toddlers and me still in our PJs!!

The best tactic I have so far is in the evenings we have a job of the day - spend one hour doing a set task together. Like book a holiday - we do it together on the laptop....probably takes longer but it’s not only my problem then cuz we both decide on stuff.

I also task him....you are doing a shop today and here is a list.

I try to get him working for me :) he is a good worker and I am a good leader haha!! :)

I kind of thought that was the point of one partner remaining part time once kids were at school.

DH and I have both always worked full time so everything which needs doing has been split equally but if you only work part time and your DC’s are school age, why can’t you do it?