To ask how to get DP/DH to share mental load?

[negunslean]

DH works long hours and I work part time (in our own business) we have 2 teenage DS. I am sick of being the only thinker/planner in our marriage. If it comes to a row about this he will often comment that he doesn’t sit on his arse all day, inferring that I have more time to sort this stuff out. And I agree to some respect. But not 24/7.
I feel totally responsible for all other stuff - family birthdays, children’s plans, cooking, booking holidays, making decisions about just about everything
How do I get him to share the mental load without detriment to our family life? If I don’t do things then other people suffer (relatives whose birthdays are forgotten, family eating constant takeaway or junk, bills not paid etc etc). AIBU to be sick of him thinking that as he works more hours and does do occasional ‘housework’ ( dishwasher etc)then this excuses him from everything else.

MadameMaxGoesler Yes, thanks, I don’t want to derail the OPs thread but I have found them and at least I know how I should be being treated, fortunately so does my midwife, consultants more variable...!

I think it depends really. I "believe" in the mental load, I understand why shouldering the whole burden of life admin can be, well, burdensome. But I think it's important to avoid martyrdom: Shopping - can it be done online, with an auto-filled basket of staples? Bills on DD? Birthday cards and xmas cards bought in a large batch and kept somewhere, along with gifts if you're in the zillion-parties-a-year stage? Electronic diary of bdays, anniversaries etc? Reading this thread (and others like it), I do think some of these things can become less burdensome without much effort.

Obviously it's not a catch-all, but sometimes for some people?

I always find it funny the way that some posters think the mental load is nothing at all but apparently men still can't do any of it. If it us that easy, why not?

Shopping - can it be done online, with an auto-filled basket of staples?

A large part of the mental load is about other people's demands and expectations. It's easy enough to order a basket of staples online if you don't have to remember and take account of an ever-changing constellation of preferences and people who will complain because the specific food they want wasn't on the order and the cupboard is full of stuff nobody wants to eat any more.

And it's easy enough to book a holiday if you can choose somewhere and everyone says "wow, that looks great". But if you are expected to know everybody's preferences and schedule constraints, and do a shedload of research to find a holiday that meets them all as best you can, and then husbands or children grumble if you haven't meet all their wishes exactly and expect you to justify your choice.... then it's a whole other business.

Lots of different opinions to think about - thank you for all your responses. 🙏🏻

For clarity I have one DS who is a weekly boarder (so home weekends and long holidays) and eldest DS is on a gap year but staying home (part time jobs whilst he clarifies which degree he wants to do).
I work about 40+ hours a week ( 2 Long days in office and various hours from home).
DH works longer hours (sometimes 70 sometimes 40)
I appreciate that as an adult there are jobs which need to be done - and they are my jobs to do as I’m at home the most.
To explain myself further , what I am getting intolerant of is having to think and plan and make every single decision about our life. I am menopausal ( and caring part time for terminally ill DM) so maybe I am just being crabby and unfair! I just don’t want to be the only decision maker on what we eat, where we eat, when and where to take holidays, what the children should get as allowances, what car to drive, has he phoned his elderly mother, blah blah blah, it’s not buying the bloody birthdays cards or sorting out the insurance that’s annoying me.

Yes I know he works hard (but has a lot of staff to help), but at least he gets weekends and holidays off.
First world problems I know, and I accept I just need to suck it up, but I just feel a little bloody cross 😡

Now you've clarified it a little more OP....yeah, I get why you're frustrated. He needs to grow up. He shouldn't have to be reminded to phone his own mother! If he doesn't call her without prompting then he's an arse. Stop doing stuff directly to do with him. Tell him he needs to pitch in more. And then just stop doing certain stuff. And your son who is on a gap year can start to do his own washing/cook dinner for the family too (assuming he doesn't already). And just to clarify, 40 hrs a week isn't part time. You are doing too much.

I’m sorry to hear about your mother

I don’t understand why you would start by saying you work part time, then say it’s 40+ hours a week. Which is (just, depending on the +) more than full time.

If your husband is regularly doing 70 to your 40, I still think you should suck up the extra decision making.

To move forward now though, decide what you’re prepared to do (being fair about what hours people are working) and drop or re-allocate the rest.

Time for your adult son to do the meal planning. Or just pick a plan and stick to it each week or fortnight - take the decision making away. Holidays... tell your husband, you decide when and where and then I’ll take on the booking. Or whatever works for you.

Mostly though, recognise that everyone gets bogged down sometimes in life. It doesn’t always mean there isn’t a fair split - sometimes it just means you’re fed up.

OP, so sorry about your mum, that's horrendous and totally draining emotionally. 💐

The pp who reminds your adult son to get his flu jab and asthma meds, what are you teaching him? That these things are women's work. All you're doing is kicking the can down the road for your future dil.

Your DH is more than capable of sorting out his own family's cards, presents etc. He can cook his own dinner, wash his own clothes etc.

Your DS are teenagers, so they can cook and clean for themselves as well.

The answer is to simply not do it. Let everyone else deal with the consequences.,

I am sorry to hear about your mother

So, your husband is working 40-70 hours a week, while you are working 40 hours a week and caring for your mother who is terminally ill. That puts a rather different face on things. Your mother's illness means you are carrying a huge burden - emotional and mental, as well as in hours - that he doesn't. And he sounds unsupportive and unsympathetic to your needs, leaving everything to you. You look after him, who is looking after you? And in these circumstances why would he need you to remind him to call his own mother? I would have a strong emotional reaction to that alone and nothing to do with menopoause.

It sounds as if he has used his working hours to justify checking out of his emotional and family commitments.

I'm sorry about your mum. I think the fact that you're working basically full time hours' even though DH is working even more, does impact things and mean it should be shared differently. I also completely understand the decision making element. DH and I had this argument soon after we started living together. His view was that I was earning more money and cared more about a lot of this stuff. But I pointed out that I didn't want to be the only one who is RESPONSIBLE for things. He understood that and has been a lot better ever since. Every now and again it comes up again but usually around a specific issue.

Tell your DH how exhausted you are at making every single decision and feeling responsible for every one of these things. I don't know if it will help, but it helped us.

I didn't have time earlier to add how I've passed some mental load onto DH.

I have done a huge to do list, grouped by category:

• home improvements (we've just moved and need new furniture, to paint rooms etc)

• holidays (listed everything like book trains for X weekend, book hotel for Y week, choose summer holiday)

• admin (inform XYZ of change of address, do wills etc)

• shopping (anything that isn't food and needs buying like clothes and shoes)

• medical appointments to book

Etc.

One big brainstorm together then we regularly review it and add stuff/decide who does what.

Really reduces the space it takes in my brain and pushes some responsibility into DH. Also means he can see just how much there is to do/think about

I struggle with mental load but Im beginning to suspect I have add. Im well educated but feel Im "failing" at keeping the house tidy/ organising meals (all the planni ng for different tastes/making sure we have the food and then cooking it is overwhelming.). We live in disorganised chaos... i have a high IQ and study easily but find life at home truly overwhleming. I dont really know why and feel such a failure not managing "the basics."

Give me a project or thing to research and In there but i really do struggle with lofe admin/mental load. I really wish I'd managed a high paid job and could outsource cleaning and washing!

The ease with which people descrive "keeping on top of life." Makes me realise im really broken :(

Poole. I think on mn people floridly desribe their organised lives.
Cooked chicken that feeds family for 4days and makes risotto and soup
And they brag about boiling a ham to death in cola,which anywhere else would so solidly criticised as rank. On mn it’s all mmmm delicious
Long story short I don’t believe these tales of hyperorganisation & zen

I always find it funny the way that some posters think the mental load is nothing at all but apparently men still can't do any of it. If it us that easy, why not?

This is an excellent point .

I think you may well have asked the defining question of many women's lives
OP. Do please message me and share if you find the solution