To ask how to get DP/DH to share mental load?

[negunslean]

DH works long hours and I work part time (in our own business) we have 2 teenage DS. I am sick of being the only thinker/planner in our marriage. If it comes to a row about this he will often comment that he doesn’t sit on his arse all day, inferring that I have more time to sort this stuff out. And I agree to some respect. But not 24/7.
I feel totally responsible for all other stuff - family birthdays, children’s plans, cooking, booking holidays, making decisions about just about everything
How do I get him to share the mental load without detriment to our family life? If I don’t do things then other people suffer (relatives whose birthdays are forgotten, family eating constant takeaway or junk, bills not paid etc etc). AIBU to be sick of him thinking that as he works more hours and does do occasional ‘housework’ ( dishwasher etc)then this excuses him from everything else.

DH works long hours and I work part time

Need to clarify this a bit more. Long hours usually means 45+ per week; part-time 20-25. Is that the case with you 2?

Could he step up in other areas?

I work part time and I do all the mental load, but I like having control over stuff.

I cook every weekday and OH tidies the kitchen when he gets home.
OH does all the cooking, shopping and kitchen clearing at weekends.

He doesn't know who our energy supplier is however.

OP if you feel that your OH is not doing his fair share then stop doing things for him.
Don't wash his clothes, don't cook his food.
He will sooon get the message when he runs out of clean grundies.

Does he 'have' to do long hours in the business or is he choosing to? Stereotypically, a lot of men have a knack for hiding at work as an excuse to avoid domestic drudgery.

As you both work in your own business, is there any chance that you can take on more tasks to even up the hours. You don't have a reason of childcare to work part time, so perhaps it should be both work and home life that is shared more evenly?

But don't buy presents for his side of the family, he should do that, plus any organising of visits by his family or friends, including catering and cleaning the house in preparation.

Also the teens should both cook at least one evening meal per week each, as should DH (proper cooked food, not takeaways or beige food obviously). And maybe get them to all do their own washing so if they don't have clean clothes, it's their look out. Concentrate your efforts on what's important to you and whether or not DH or DCs have clean clothes does not affect you. If they moan about not having clean clothes, just ask them if they've done their washing.

No wonder divorce is so prevalent given the majority of replies on here.
He is working longer hours than you so you should do it all - that's a fair equal partnership. If you both worked the same hours, then fair enough he would need to take on his share of other stuff but you don't so you need to suck it up.
You should be grateful that he works so that you have the money to buy the food for the meals you have to "plan', the presents and holidays.

You should be grateful that he works so that you have the money to buy the food for the meals you have to "plan', the presents and holidays

Shouldn’t he be grateful that she does all the housework , wifework and parenting to enable him to work ?

OP I feel for you. People here are confusing practical tasks around the house with 'mental load' which is planning & thinking about stuff.

I'm in a similar position (and whether you are full-time or part-time is irrelevant).

But have a think about the stuff your DH does do? Mine deals with all the computer & car-related admin, booking tickets for holidays etc.

Maybe you are not giving your DH credit for some stuff he does do? In my experience, you can delegate practical tasks to them - e.g. DH does all the cleaning up after I do all the cooking - but it's really hard to get them to change the way they think.

I'm not disagreeing that DH should take some responsibility for these things, but if you work part time with two teenage sons and he works "very long hours", I do think you have quite a lot of time to sort things out. Are you making sure your sons do their share too?

I "forced" DH to take on tasks by refusing to do them myself. Yes, that meant we didn't go on a holiday one time, and the house went through a phase of being less clean than I'd like.

Things I have stopped doing

• things for his side of the family (I don't know what they'd like ...)
• he cooks 2 nights a week, I will not meal plan for them though I will shop as part of the big shop if he tells me exactly what he wants.
• instituted "Sunday morning" clean up - everyone pitches in (including DC)
• we have a family diary of what is coming up. Again, everyone responsible for putting their own things in there. If the DC want to do something, they need to work out their own plans for getting there (if they want a lift, they need to ask)
• not downloading the school payment app. DH knows this means he has to pay for any school "stuff". The DC know to nag him.
• if asked a question to which he should know the answer "when is

DD's party that she's going to", I refuse to answer

(in fairness, those were rules I instituted while I was "training" him and the DC, I'm not so strict any more.)

What hours are you both doing? Part time and full time long hours can both have very different meanings. We need this information before we can say whether one of you is doing more than their fair share or not.

Shouldn’t he be grateful that she does all the housework , wifework and parenting to enable him to work ?

I see this a lot on MN threads. And I've never really understood it tbh. If OP stopped doing all this sort of stuff, would he still be able to work? Of course he would, likely he would buy in some help, lower standards and do some himself.

No wonder divorce is so prevalent given the majority of replies on here

That did occur to me as well. The passive agressive response to partner not pulling their weight by going on strike is never going to end well. First step would be to see if she could take some of his working load on to give him a few more spare hours a week. Alternatively, if working a few more hours meant that the business brought in more money, then maybe use that on a cleaner to free up spare hours?

Most people choose and cook their food, plan their own holidays, look after their children, buy presents and cards for their friends and family. You must have expected to do this

But the problem is that the OP is doing it all for the entire family. Generalising hugely, but many men really don't give any of this much thought.

There are lots of things, eg a lot of Christmas, presents and efficiently planning and cooking healthy food that simply wouldn't happen if left to a lot of men, whether they worked 'long hours' or not. No-one would get presents and food would be easy, unhealthy and expensive.

My DH actually responded really well to the mental load cartoon that was going around a year or so ago. It helped us both to understand why I was so tired even though I only work part time and that helped him to take more initiative. I still do more but we make more decisions jointly, sometimes he does the weekly shop, sometimes he does the kids laundry (he always does his and some of mine), he's started doing a bit of DIY, he cooks more often.

I'm not really sure the stress from mental load is the actual doing the stuff. Grabbing a card for your children's grandmother when you are already at the shop isn't hard.
It's the feeling responsible for everything and making all the decisions is tiring. It's like being a grown up on your own. If her DH set up his own family's birthdays on his calendar and said 'could you pick up a card and a candle when you pop to town tomorrow' it just feels nicer than your partner just expecting it to be sorted and not even aware it happened.

I'm a bit unorganized. Im researching apps at the moment. There seems to be some great family ones and organisers - might be worth a try

What are your part time hours because there is a huge amount of variation. If your doing six that one angle If your doing thirty that's a different slant

Hang on, what's this nonsense about 'joint' cards and presents?

Does this go both ways? Does hubby have to remember his mother in laws birthday, buy something, pack it and send it because mil includes his name on cards?

That's an epic cop out. Each person is responsible for remembering their own family birthdays. Can't wait to hear of all the men who kindly remind their wives 'don't forget its your mums birthday next week', as if.

No wonder divorce is so prevalent given the majority of replies on here.
He is working longer hours than you so you should do it all - that's a fair equal partnership. If you both worked the same hours, then fair enough he would need to take on his share of other stuff but you don't so you need to suck it up. You should be grateful that he works so that you have the money to buy the food for the meals you have to "plan', the presents and holidays.
This ^^. If you want him to do half then go back to work full-time. Or better still, divorce him then you can try and juggle a full-time job with doing all the housework for your own house, sorting everything for the kids when they're with you, doing the food shopping, all the gardening & DIY, and sorting out the 'mental load'.
Quite why people need to call it a 'mental load' is beyond me. Talk about bigging themselves up. Most people have all their bills on direct debit. You can do the food shopping online & set up a regular list so you can both add stuff during the week if you want and then one of you presses the magic button. Buy birthday cards en-masse once a year and stick the dates on a calendar - it's hardly difficult to write a card and most people won't need presents so the ones that do you can buy together at a weekend or order online together in an evening. And as your kids are teenagers I'm sure they can organise their own lives. It's only difficult if you're intent on making it so.

It really depends how part time is part time in your situation?
10 hours per week, then yabu, it's fair for you to cover your list in your remaining 30 hours.
30 hours per week, then yanbu, you would be 'working' more than him.
Can I just point out that to some posters that 'mental load' will vary from family to family depending on lots of things such as the amount of activities your dc do and need organised etc.

For me, I realised early on that I was going to Be the one doing 100% of the mental load. So, as dh is perfectly happy to provide 100% of the finances, I reduced my work hours to fit all the mental load/housework into the remaining time. Works for us.

I know what you mean. Even attempts to get them to take on something means you still have to partially think for them.

I think they just don't see it. We have the same debate every year over Christmas. I'm debating who I should cut from the present list, who I can spend less on, what I want to buy everyone and trying to get him to help with his family. His answer every time I present it? Just don't buy anything, you don't have to buy anything.

Cooking dinner, I don't mind cooking, but sometimes you want someone to have already got something out, or thought about what to actually cook. Occasionally he might suggest things but then wonders why he's shot down. Steak - we haven't got any and you didn't want to go out. Lasagne - we don't have pasta sheets. Roast chicken - it's 2 hours to cook. Oh well I don't know you shot down all my suggestions!
Because NONE of them were doable?

They don't see it at all. And leaving them to it means it doesn't get done? And why should you and the rest of the family suffer?

There was a great comic somewhere that explained very well. Would sitting down, showing him that and talking about how you can both manage daily life better help?

To help yourself can you automate somethings? Buy all your birthday cards for the year in advance? Google calender all the activities?

Meal plan and holiday plan together. No-one gets dinner out? Beans on toast it is. Teenagers should be able to check the meal plan the night before and get the relevant item out for dinner.

I think some people on this thread should have a reminder about the concept of mental load:

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Mental load is one of those concepts that started off useful, then became over worked.

Mental load of meal planning? Well, here’s tip one to make that go away: do it once. 7 days, repeat it every week. Done.

Give me that over the mental load of running a business with long hours.

There seems to be this belief in some that if you have a paid job outside the home, that comes with no mental load. That’s not true.

Until very recently I was a single mum so I did all this “mental load” myself, alongside a full time job. It’s not hard.

I agree with a PP that what be happening here is that what you do isn’t appreciated - rather than it being an unfair split.

I’ll wait for the big drop feed that OP works 35 hours to his 40. But I’m in agreement with those who say that this is the point of you being part time - it frees up hours for you to do the thinking and planning.

but I do begin to wonder what people thought it would be like running a house and having children?

That's the whole point, very few women agree to start a relationship with a man and have children with him to become the sole organiser and thinker of the relationship. There are some stay at home wives who are perfectly happy with that being their role and how they contribute to the family. There are many more women who just want the adult they fell in love with and have a family with to actually...you know ADULT. Running a house is not the exclusive domain of women my male gay friends would have a thing or two to say about that

So not having to tell your husband/adult children to tidy up, not having to tell them you need help, not having to organise their clothes, not being in sole charge of making sure the younger children have everything they need and are where they need to be. The list never ends and I'll be damned if I accept a relationship where I'm in charge of everything plus working a full time job. It's not the physical tasks being divvied up that's the problem, it's the fact that divvying up the tasks is the woman's job!

negunslean you need to let the ball drop. Basically decide how much of the mental load you're willing to be responsible for and roughly equate it to the extra hours your DH works. Then tell the family, teenage children too that is all you're responsible for and they need to take responsibility for everything else. If they don't, it doesn't get done. If you don't, it'll never change.