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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you have ever had to forgive yourself?

142 replies

Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 14:38

13 years ago when I was 16 I did something horrible. I had sex several times with my Dm's best mates DH. We were caught one day and as I live in a small town it was huge news for ages.

My Dm's best mate passed away at the start of the year from cancer. The whole affair scenario has reared its ugly head again since she died with alot of comments on social media about me saying that I didn't help and i contributed towards her death etc.

I am now married myself and I keep having these dreams that my husband will cheat on me or something bad will happen as I don't deserve to be happy after what I did.

I've been to see a councillor who said I need to forgive myself. I just don't see how I can. Have you ever had to forgive yourself for something?

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ShootingQuadrantids · 21/10/2018 14:53

Oh bless you love. Well we all do things in life at some stage that we're not too proud of but in this instance I think that the onus lies with the DH! I imagine that he was somewhat older than you and might have taken the lead in the relationship starting?! There's always people who like to have a bitch. As hard as it might be for the sake of your own mental health and relationships try to move on and step away from FB! If you feel negative thoughts entering your head mentally take yourself to a happy place. Take care xx

MeanQueenHalloween · 21/10/2018 14:57

As a complete stranger to you OP, I would say that if I heard about this situation, I would think the 16-year-old was the vulnerable exploited one.

Original poster
Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 14:58

The DH was about 40 when we started having sex. He is seen as abit of a Jack the lad around town and is now seen as the grieving widow. I am the one the one who is seen to be the blame for what happened.

My DH is lovely and I know would never cheat on me but people have been writing on social media that they hope my DH cheats on me and I get karma. I just don't know how to get over this

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Jezzifishie · 21/10/2018 14:59

I cheated on my BF when we were 16 (we'd been together for 2 years). He was lovely, didn't deserve it at all. We're friends these days, but when I think back on it I'm ashamed. I'm so sorry people are being nasty on social media. It was 13 years ago, and if anything should be targeted at the one who chose to cheat with a 16 year old!!

PinkHeart5914 · 21/10/2018 15:00

You and him were both responsible for the affair, you BOTH decided to shag each other so all the blame isn’t on you.

Also I highly doubt it contributed to her death. She sadly died of cancer, nothing to do with you.

You made a mistake, you maybe didn’t act the best way but it’s done now and you can’t change it but you can move on.

Since it happened would you say we’ve been a good person? If so of course you deserve to be happy

Tara336 · 21/10/2018 15:01

You were 16 for goodness sake! It’s him that needs forgiveness not you! You were a child and he must have been a fair bit older and is solely responsible for what happened. And I’m very sure that 13 years later your mums BM dying is nothing caused by you! These people saying those awful things are absolute idiots and should be treated as such.

Original poster
Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 15:02

He has never been blamed. He put full responsibility onto me and told everyone I handed myself on a plate to him. I've tried to tell people what happened but they won't listen or believe me

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WhiteCoyote · 21/10/2018 15:03

When I was 16 I slept with my 40+ year old boss several times - he had a gf. It took me ages to move on and forgive myself for it, I felt so dirty and called myself a whore for it.

It’s a very tender developmental age turning from girl to woman and looking back now, I honestly wouldn’t change my past. It forced a massive reckoning with myself that’s shaped me into the woman I am now.

Forgive yourself and move on op, and for gods sake get off social media and completely ignore any person who says it’s your fault. It’s really, really not. Treat your 16 year old self kindly.

Original poster
Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 15:04

Do you believe in karma? Do you believe that if you have done something awful it will come back to haunt you.

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WhiteCoyote · 21/10/2018 15:04

Don’t even bother trying to explain to other people what happened and why. You owe no one any sort of explanation and it’s none of thier business.

3catsandcounting · 21/10/2018 15:05

Oh the poor, poor man! 🙄
Firstly, get yourself off social media, even for a bit.
Secondly, he was more culpable than you. You were a child, and yes,
you must take some responsibility, but what was he thinking?!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/10/2018 15:06

You were 16. I imagine it didn't happen overnight. Chances are he was grooming you from 15 or so. No decent man would sleep with a friend's 16 year old daughter. I think you need to forgive yourself and try to ignore all the nastiness on social media.

Original poster
Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 15:06

I'm a completely different person now, I would never ever do that kind of thing now. Just all these people saying how I will get karma and deserve to be punished makes me think that one day I will get what's coming to me

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ThatssomedeadbratCarrie · 21/10/2018 15:06

Wtf so someone presumably much older basically took advantage groomed someone who was just barely ‘legal’ age and everyone in the village blamed you? People are hideous. You should forgive the part of you that knew why you were doing is wrong but still did it but also accept you are a victim in this too.

Original poster
Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 15:09

When it first happened it was awful. I couldn't walk down the street without someone shouting slag or slut. I had text messages from unknown numbers being vile to me. She took him back so they just carried on with their lives, I took all the blame

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3catsandcounting · 21/10/2018 15:09

And no, I don't believe in karma. I believe in the lottery of life though. Shit happens to some and not to others; good things happen to some and not to others. Sometimes both things happen, sometimes neither.
Simple.

Original poster
Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 15:12

My DH can't stand the man so I can't talk to him about it as he gets angry. I obviously can't talk to my DM as she was disgusted with me at the time

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MissSleepyMcSleeperson · 21/10/2018 15:19

My first thought on reading this - a (presumably older) married man having an affair with a 16 year old? You were so young and if anything like most 16 year olds, likely impressionable. Whilst it's not an ideal situation, he was a mature adult at the time - and he was the one who was married!! It sounds like you have carried this guilt for such a long time, it really is ok to let go of it now. You obviously deeply regret it and are truly sorry. There are many out there who have done much worse and you are truly sorry - be kind to yourself. X

redwineandcrisps · 21/10/2018 15:19

Love, imagine it was your 16 year old child who slept with a 40 year old man. You would be worried sick about them wouldn’t you? You’d be so angry at him for taking advantage of them wouldn’t you? You would KNOW that at 16, you make silly mistakes and your child was taken advantage of. YOU were that child! Please come off social media, even for a bit. You were not to blame back then, and you are not to blame now.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/10/2018 15:20

Well, if there was such a thing as karma, you have certainly paid the price for what you did. Carrying all the blame for something that was not all your fault, wipes out your debt to the universe.

But I believe karma is nonsense anyway; we all have our share of good and bad luck and our actions determine how our lives go.

Incognito8522 · 21/10/2018 15:22

FFS, you were sexually exploited by a much older man and have nothing to feel bad about.

Can you move to a different town?

ThatssomedeadbratCarrie · 21/10/2018 15:22

If you were my daughter I would be disappointed with your decisions including not speaking to me, probably a little in myself for missing signs. The main person who would be the object of my blind rage would be the twat of a man.
At the end of the day unfortunately people absolutely relish in a scandal and love talking and gossiping about it. You were the central focus for this. I’m sure other men actually thought the perv was a fucking hero. That’s how people are.
I feel you have been let down by a lot of people including your DH as this is causing you enough anguish to require counselling, he should be there for you as should your mum. Sorry you going through this op.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/10/2018 15:23

Exactly Red. If a friend's husband took advantage of my 16 year old daughter I'd want to kill them. And I'd make sure the whole nosy village knew what a disgusting sleazy piece of work that man was.

MrsJayy · 21/10/2018 15:23

You are being blamed for this man being a total an utter creep he was 40 you did nothing wrong I am sorry you are going through this again .

Original poster
Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 15:30

I just think that at 16 I knew right from wrong and I should have said no. He promised me a lovely life, he said he would leave his wife at Xmas and we would be together forever. I am so stupid for believing that asked it's ruining my life even now because people are still berating me for it

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