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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if you have ever had to forgive yourself?

142 replies

Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 14:38

13 years ago when I was 16 I did something horrible. I had sex several times with my Dm's best mates DH. We were caught one day and as I live in a small town it was huge news for ages.

My Dm's best mate passed away at the start of the year from cancer. The whole affair scenario has reared its ugly head again since she died with alot of comments on social media about me saying that I didn't help and i contributed towards her death etc.

I am now married myself and I keep having these dreams that my husband will cheat on me or something bad will happen as I don't deserve to be happy after what I did.

I've been to see a councillor who said I need to forgive myself. I just don't see how I can. Have you ever had to forgive yourself for something?

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 21/10/2018 15:55

You were only 16, he said all the right things and because you were young, hormonal and didn’t know much about men you got caught up in it. It sounds more like he manipulated you really, you were only just legal - I am always a bit suspicious of older men who form relationships with teens.
Please don’t carry this with you for life. It’s clear you’ve suffered enough.
Cancer can be caused by a range of factors and even if stress from this event played a role I would say HE was more to blame than you. He was the one committing adultery, and seducing a young girl.
It’s a shame the people in your town can’t see past that, but some people live small and unfulfilled lives and thrive off other people’s drama to give them a purpose. They’re sad bastards and you should only feel sorry for them.

Sparklesocks · 21/10/2018 15:56

Also the cancer might have just been a freak cell mutation - sometimes it happens and nobody knows why. Sometimes it’s In your genes. There’s no proof suggesting stress caused this particular case.

onalongsabbatical · 21/10/2018 15:56

God, this makes me so angry I can’t think straight, so I’ll be brief; he used you, and then he blamed you. He’s a nasty, ruthless, exploitative abuser who couldn’t care less about anyone but himself. As for the mob who go along with it they’ve never stopped to think.
You counsellor is absolutely right that you need to forgive yourself, and I hope you will, and I hope this thread helps you along to that point.
Take no notice of them. You deserve to recover from all of this and above all the idea that you had anything to do with her illness, which is horrible and ridiculous.
Take care of yourself, op. Flowers

Frogscotch7 · 21/10/2018 15:57

Please listen - everyone is saying the same thing. He was a disgusting creep. You actually didn’t do anything wrong and it sounds like you’ve been punished your whole life. No wonder you don’t forgive yourself - everyone around you has been blaming you for “seducing” an older married man who knew exactly what he was doing.

Good and bad things will continue to happen in your life (and everyone else’s) but None of it is karma. It’s just life.

FoxFoxSierra · 21/10/2018 15:57

He's a disgusting pig taking advantage of a young girl like that - you were a child fgs! I had a crush on a friend's dad at that age Blush I'm sure he knew but nothing ever happened between us because he's a decent person but if he'd shown any interest at all I wouldn't have thought twice, impulse control not being such a big thing with teenagers! The people in your town and your mum in particular are just awful

BlancheM · 21/10/2018 15:58

You're not the one who needs forgiveness. The Facebook keyboard warriors need to have a long hard look at themselves as well, being so vile about a child (which you were at the time). Shameful of them
Thanks

DelphiniumBlue · 21/10/2018 15:59

I'm wondering what these nasty people did to protect a vulnerable child. What help were you given at the time to deal with the fallout? I bet none of them held out a hand to you.
I am also wondering why you still live in such a small- minded place. How can you bear to be surrounded by such twats?
So yes, forgive yourself.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 21/10/2018 16:00

If you had been a few months younger he would have gone to prison. Could they still lay the blame at your door then? These people are sick to blame the child in this situation, qnd bringing it all back up now what does that achieve?
It sounds like the whole experience has affected your confidence and self worth for your entire life, and that is because you were a fucking child. This is why there is an age of consent because children are vulnerable and easy to take advantage of.
This man is the lowest piece of slime imaginable.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 21/10/2018 16:02

Is it possible to move away.

Absolutely you are not to blame but I don’t think I would want to live round people who thought a 16 year old was to blame in that situation. I certainly wouldn’t want my children subjected to that kind of backwards thinking.

Also step away from social media, block the pages to resist the urge to go and look.

glassprettyfull · 21/10/2018 16:03

He sounds like a nonce. One step up from a fully fledged paedo and I'm sure you're not the only life he's ruined. If the people in your town are too stupid to realise what he is, thats not your fault either.

FFSFFSFFS · 21/10/2018 16:04

You were a child. He was 40.

You don't have anything to forgive yourself for.

penny455 · 21/10/2018 16:06

@Fallingintobird I feel so sorry for you ! Please don't blame yourself or let it affect your relationship, we all do bad things, you were a child & he was an adult he choose to cheat on his wife.
Please just try and forgot about the whole situation and move on from it with your partner. I can see how this can cause anxiety about your partner so keep going to consuilling I really hope it helps you. You deserve to be happy x

Undercoverbanana · 21/10/2018 16:06

OP - I had an affair and broke up my family.

The guilt and the shame and the utter disbelief at my own behaviour will never go away but I have learned to have compassion for myself.

We are all flawed and we all have the potential to do things that hurt others. It can’t be undone so how does it help to burden yourself with yet more self-loathing and the opinions of others on the subject?

I understand completely but have had counselling to help me learn self-compassion. Part of it is letting go of the past and also recognising the fragility of human relationships and rational thinking. It has made me more tolerant and understanding of the failings of others and a wiser person.

Sometimes our judgements are not sound. Any of us. We are not perfect or infallible. We are human.

CoughLaughFart · 21/10/2018 16:08

I also pity this man’s daughter, as she’s obviously been conditioned into thinking her dad did nothing wrong and you are somehow evil. Why else would she not realise that normal people use a memorial page to give sympathy or share nice memories of the deceased - not to bitch about an affair from 13 years ago?

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 21/10/2018 16:09

Do you feel he took advantage of you OP?

When I was 16 i was involved with an older guy...but theres no way I could - hand on heart - say he took advantage.

I think this is hard situation for all involved. Her family are furious as what happened obviously did cause massive stress for the deceased. Not saying it caused the cancer, but her last years could have been happier.

But what I will say with some certainty is, if it wasn't you....it would have likely been another girl.

Quartz2208 · 21/10/2018 16:09

OP you need some counselling - you were groomed at 16 by an 49 year old man in a position of authority to you.

If karma exists it is not you it will come after.

Do you still live in the town - if so move and block on facebook.

None of this is your fault

tempester28 · 21/10/2018 16:14

It was 13 years ago so I don't see how the situation contributed to the death of your mum's friend.

You were 16 and this man was 40 so he was taking advantage of you and if it occurred months earlier it would have been legally wrong too.
Those critisising you on social media should think about how they would feel if it were their 16 year old daughter involved with a 40 year old man.

Definately forgive yourself for your part and move on. I don't believe in Karma so I don't think you have anything to worry about there!

flintfoxy · 21/10/2018 16:16

Forgive yourself - I can't believe this man has escaped all judgement in this situation. Genuinely shocked Shock

vdbfamily · 21/10/2018 16:17

I cannot believe that genuinely anyone thought this was your fault. You were legally still a child for goodness sake. There may be some loud mouthed idiots shouting names but I would hazard a bet that if they did a straw poll in your town as to who was to blame, 99% would say the 40 year old. And if her cancer was caused by stress there is only one person to blame for that and thats her cheating husband...you were probably not the only affair either!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/10/2018 16:20

OP, it's high time you forgave your sixteen year old self, you were barely a woman. He knows deep inside himself, if anyone caused her misery in life, it was him. He is a disgusting excuse of a man, and obviously groomed you.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 21/10/2018 16:22

If you are in NI you would have been classed as a child!

BruegelTheElder · 21/10/2018 16:24

He has never been blamed. He put full responsibility onto me and told everyone I handed myself on a plate to him. I've tried to tell people what happened but they won't listen or believe me

This is so sick. He was the married one and he was the one in a position of power over you! Anyone who "blames" you is not someone you should be devoting a single second of brainpower to.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 16:29

You were taken advantage by an older man. Your mum should have been disgusted at him. You should have been protected from him.

I am really shocked by the attitude of people around you. It is not normal for people to blame the 16 year old child in these circumstances. Most would see him as a predator who groomed a child who was barely over the age of consent. What is wrong with these people?? They can’t all feel this way.

You do not need to forgive yourself - you do need to be kind to your younger self. And you need to be angry at him and the people who were supposed to protect you.

Think about what you would say to a 16 year old in this situation - you wouldnt name call or think she was a slut - you would be kind, understanding and make her understand this man was taking advantage of you.

Ignore these appalling people who seem to be stuck in the 1950s.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 16:33

Oh and the cancer was not your fault. At all. What a horrible thing for anyone to say.

LittleMissMarker · 21/10/2018 16:33

You were only a sixteen year old so immature and inexperienced in life but he was plenty old enough to know better. He flattered you and he made lovely promises and he preyed on you. And then he decided that it was all your fault. Very convenient - for him.

I just don't know how to get over this

The best way to do that would be to dissociate yourself from all these dreadful people who are saying spiteful things on social media. It was much more than half his fault, so if anyone is blaming you and not him then they are unfair and nasty and making excuses for him. It will be very difficult for you to forgive yourself if you are still listening to people who put all the blame on you.

Block the memorial page from now on, and keep away from people who have said nasty things on it.

I obviously can't talk to my DM as she was disgusted with me at the time

Disgusted? That's not being a good mother. Your mother may even be one of the people you need to dissociate from. However cross she might have been with you at the time, all her disgust should have been at him for preying on you. And a loving mother would have forgiven you long ago and never ever have forgiven him. If she is doing it the other way round then she is not behaving like a loving mother at all.

Which might even explain why you were vulnerable to him in the first place. Maybe if you'd been getting the love and kindness you needed from her you wouldn't have responded to love and promises from an older man. Just a thought.....

He told everyone when she was diagnosed that the only stressful thing in her life was having to see me around and know I slept with her husband

So, he deflected all the blame from himself onto you? He's an evil coward. At least your DH seems to have his measure.