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Original poster

To ask if you have ever had to forgive yourself?

142 replies

Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 14:38

13 years ago when I was 16 I did something horrible. I had sex several times with my Dm's best mates DH. We were caught one day and as I live in a small town it was huge news for ages.

My Dm's best mate passed away at the start of the year from cancer. The whole affair scenario has reared its ugly head again since she died with alot of comments on social media about me saying that I didn't help and i contributed towards her death etc.

I am now married myself and I keep having these dreams that my husband will cheat on me or something bad will happen as I don't deserve to be happy after what I did.

I've been to see a councillor who said I need to forgive myself. I just don't see how I can. Have you ever had to forgive yourself for something?

OP posts:
Urbanbeetler · 21/10/2018 18:03

Oh my god the link to the memorial idea is the worst I have ever seen here. Don’t even think about that please. You would be crucified.

BlatheringWuther · 21/10/2018 18:21

I am so sorry that you are experiencing British misogyny and sexism at its worst. No, sex is not all the girl's fault, especially not when the male in question is 40 years old! The way people have colluded in making you take all the blame is absolutely disgusting, and the harassment you have faced since is worse. I'd be tempted to move away from such disgusting people and drop all ties at the next opportunity.

caryatid1965 · 21/10/2018 18:32

Fallingintobird

American, by any chance? Here in the UK we don't generally have this tedious smalltown gossip derived from Puritan Massachusetts; we don't think a woman is a 'harlot' because an older man seduced her; we don't think Goody Goodwife spoiled the crops through 'being unfaithful'. We also don't have the nearest town "100 miles over" so gossip dissipates. Needless to say, if you were a young unmarried woman and he was married, then the fault for 'seduction' lies with him; his wife's cancer affects this not one whit.

MiracleMaxine · 21/10/2018 18:39

You have done nothing wrong at all. All you did was have your head turned by a man who charmed you. You were 16, it's happened to many of us at that age and beyond.

You were: young, single and impressionable.
He was: older, married and predatory.

He was more than twice your age. You were 16. Even if you did make moves on him it's irrelevant. A decent man in his position would politely but firmly rebuff any advances made by daughters of their wives friends. I don't think you did make the moves though op. I suspect it was him, slowly and subtly.

There's nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong, please believe this. Also please try and get the hell away from this asshole and the misogynist small minded pricks who think you are to blame for everything. Using his wife's memorial page to direct abuse at you? These people are sick in the head. Who the fuck does that? Please please try and escape this town. I think it will do wonders for your mental health.

Mummadeeze · 21/10/2018 19:46

Rebecca36 Thesmallishman Dollymixture22 thank you for being kind. I haven’t shared that experience on here before but I hoped it might help the OP. It is sad that she is still blaming herself all these years later. Lots of positive comments though from everyone so hopefully the thread will help in general. No one should be defined by their past.

flintfoxy · 21/10/2018 20:01

Mummadeeze your post - ThanksI'm so glad you were able to carry on with your life and move past what those evil people did to you x

Holdingonbarely · 21/10/2018 20:09

Jesus is there anything else to do in this town.
Other than destroy some poor fucking woman’s memorial page.
There is no way there were not others.
He’s a vile human being who used you awfully. Total predator.
If no one else can see this then I kindly suggest you get the fuck out of dodge

Holdingonbarely · 21/10/2018 20:12

@Mummadeeze
I’ve been in a similar situation and I wish I could have just picked my younger self up and said you’re ok. It wasn’t your fault.

I had a good friend who at 16 her stepfather had an affair with her. He’d only been around since she was about 12. But when he remarried his new wife thought she was a stinking whore and made that clear.
Even at the time I remember thinking this was so beyond wrong. But we were both vulnerable and got ourselves into all sorts of awful situations. I feel very sad for our younger selves.

7salmonswimming · 21/10/2018 20:12

You don’t need to forgive 29yo you.

You need to forgive 16yo you.

You were just a child. Sure, you knew it was wrong to sleep with a married man. By 16, we all know this. But at 16 you were too inexperienced to know WHY it was wrong, to know what the consequences might be. You were far too young and inexperienced and immature to put reason before emotion. A 16yo who can do those things is a 16yo who’s missed a childhood.

Of course he should have known better and is far more morally culpable. But this thread is about you forgiving yourself, not him.

InstagramBitch · 21/10/2018 20:14

Yes I have, I have had MH issues and I have hurt people who loved me and destroyed an important relationship due to being unwell

I can spend the rest of my life recriminating with myself or I can tell myself that what I did I did because I was unwell, and that it wasn't really me and I wasn't in the driving seat.

To be honest, I struggle and flip flop between the

"If you hadn't" narrative

and the

"It's not your fault" narrative

ALL THE TIME

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/10/2018 20:15

Oh OP Sad

You were a child and probably manipulated by a much older man

And as for the fuckers on Facebook Sad cunts all of them . Blaming a teenager .

I think you need to shift your thinking a bit here . I don’t want to turn you into a victim

But I am pretty horrified that you are being so blamed For this . What a community they are

woodhill · 21/10/2018 20:17

He shouldn't have taken advantage of you. He could have walked away. Not your fault

Mummadeeze · 21/10/2018 20:42

Holdingonbarely - are you okay now? I really hope so. I was lucky I had a totally fresh start, made new friends, it was relatively easy to block it out and re-invent myself. I would have definitely struggled a good deal more if I had had to stay in the same town though. I genuinely don’t think I could have done actually. People started calling me Jodie Foster because of the film, The Accused. It was vile. Anyway, hope things have worked out okay for you and that time has been a healer.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/10/2018 20:52

Mumma

Sorry to read your story . It’s all so horrible and I remember some episodes from my teenage years (in no way as horrific as your experience) but ..... feel so fucking sad for you and OP

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 20:59

I had a friend at school who claimed she slept with her mums boyfriend. I didn’t beleive her at the time, but didn’t tell anyone. We were 16. As an adult I look back and feel really guilty for not saying something to my parents or a teacher.

She was an out of control kid - her parents were going through a car crash divorce and he was a creep. It might not have been true, she loved to shock, but it might have been. And if it did he totally took advantage of a young messed up girl.

7yo7yo · 21/10/2018 21:06

You were a child.
I wonder how much he groomed you before hand.
Disgusting piece of shit he is!

Holdingonbarely · 21/10/2018 21:07

@Mummadeeze
I’m much the same as you. Went to uni
Did a masters
Got out of that fucking small town mentality!
Thank Christ! As did my friend.
Small towns are just like that. I hate that place

maddjess · 21/10/2018 21:22

You were 16!!! Stop being hard on yourself. What he did to you is nothing short of rape

pallisers · 21/10/2018 21:57

Here in the UK we don't generally have this tedious smalltown gossip derived from Puritan Massachusetts;

Puritan massachusetts was populated by people from England. The puritans WERE english. Do you really believe small town gossip is only an american thing? Is this for real?

OP, you have nothing to forgive yourself for. your mother should have been outraged at the middle aged man who took utter advantage of you. I have a 17 year old and if I discovered my friend's husband was having sex with her, I would be incandescent. if she was 16 I would call the police (probably fruitlessly but still).

MyNameIsNotSteven · 21/10/2018 22:04

OP, at 17 I found myself in a potentially similar situation but I didn't know the man's family. Luckily for me a teacher discovered what was going on and the man was sacked (not a teacher himself but linked to school). At that age I was just caught up in the sheer excitement and naughtiness of it. I had no concept of what it would be to have an affair. It would have been entirely his fault - he took advantage.

You have nothing really to forgive yourself for, and no I don't believe in karma - I've seen too many arseholes get away with doing truly horrible things.

BigChocFrenzy · 21/10/2018 22:07

You are NOT to blame 💐

He is a creep who took advantage of the naive 16-year-old you
Now he's really being an evil bastard blaming you for his wife's death

Get off social media and move on.
You are not the same person and you have learned from your mistakes

He will always be an evil bastard though

SpamChaudFroid · 21/10/2018 22:37

You're not to blame OP, you were groomed by a much older man. I know I'm only re-iterating what everyone else is saying, but I think it's important for you to hear from many different women.

thighofrelief · 21/10/2018 23:04

Like a couple of PPs I also moved away and cut all ties. But someone from my old town knew a new friend in my new town....

Luckily I moved again and sometimes I think of the town in happened in. It's a pretty place but i would never, ever visit.

TheWiseWomansFear · 21/10/2018 23:58

Yes, late teen years I cheated on my current DP, a few times, once with a married man.

I tortured myself for years, started playing mental gymnastics, stopped sleeping well, became really depressed.

Eventually told DP everything. He forgave me and were incredible together now. I still worry about karma and panic that one of us will get cancer or something because of it but mostly it was forgiveness from the person I'd hurt that allowed me to forgive myself.... sadly that isn't an option for you.

Though I would say, imagine your 16yo daughter and a 40yo man.... I certainly wouldn't be angry with my child. I'd be ready to cut his balls of though. One year younger and he'd have gone to prison...

TheWiseWomansFear · 22/10/2018 00:00

Also regret this deep is a sign that you're a good person.