To ask if you have ever had to forgive yourself?

[Fallingintobird]

13 years ago when I was 16 I did something horrible. I had sex several times with my Dm's best mates DH. We were caught one day and as I live in a small town it was huge news for ages.

My Dm's best mate passed away at the start of the year from cancer. The whole affair scenario has reared its ugly head again since she died with alot of comments on social media about me saying that I didn't help and i contributed towards her death etc.

I am now married myself and I keep having these dreams that my husband will cheat on me or something bad will happen as I don't deserve to be happy after what I did.

I've been to see a councillor who said I need to forgive myself. I just don't see how I can. Have you ever had to forgive yourself for something?

In the above I sound like I'm saying you can't forgive yourself because you can't make mends with her.... I wasn't saying that it just came across wrong. You need to forgive yourself because this was not your fault. You made a decision with a brain that wasn't even fully developed and you were exploited.

Forgive yourself, you were a child and you were used by someone who knew exactly what he was doing. He's disgusting.

I think it’s time to move from feeling guilt to actually having justifiable anger OP

I don’t mean you need to go all Kill Bill

But he is wrong wrong wrong
Your Mother clearly didn’t have the sense to protect you
And the ‘community ‘ are just vile

I would be tempted to post something . But that will cause More hurt and is clearly a terrible idea . !

‘Yeah such a temptress I was . Do you realise had he made his advances a few
Months earlier he would have been charged for statutory rape of a Minor ? But yes blame the child . Not a 40 year old man . What an enlightened community .

Is it possible to move away? I grew up in a small town and I know how awful gossip can be. If it keeps going you could stick up for yourself. Write something on social media, that I imagine will get shared. Something like since you all love gossip, would you know that actually happened? Talk a bit about happened, and point out how you were a child, that he could have gone to jail if you were a few months younger. Point out he was a dirty old man who took advantage of a child. I wouldn't suggest doing this any time soon, just in a year or two if you keep getting a hard time.

Where on earth do you live OP? Is it Royston Vasey? I can't believe the townsfolk are happy to post malicious gossip about you all over social media. My local FB group is all about selling second hand bits and bobs with the occasional thread about traffic issues.

Just wanted to say hope you are ok OP. Didn't want to read and run.

You were 16! He was an adult who should of known better.

Have you thought about counselling.
I know you feel shame about what happened but enough is enough. Yes it was wrong but people carrying on now about it in the way you have described should feel ashamed of their own actions.

Be kind to yourself and you know what tell the people who are blaming you to fuck off. They are being dickheads about it anyway so telling them to fuck off out of it isn't going to change that they are dickheads.

Hope you are ok 

There are several tragedies here.

1. a 16 year old girl was taken advantage of by a 40 year old man

• this one mistake doesn’t (and shouldn’t) define a person and their future. The 16 year old is a young adult. But rest assured as well, OP, the people that are name calling and keyboard warriors dont know the full story. If they did, then I doubt they would say anything at all. And people in glass houses shouldn’t through stones.

2. the woman that died, her memorial page, is full of people who also remember this one mistake, that wasn’t hers’.

• is that all people have to say about her? Bringing up something that happened 13 years ago and slinging blame? I find that very sad.

So it’s going to be hard OP but you need to forgive yourself. And also the narrow mindedness of others.

Accept the past is the past. Accept that you made a mistake. Love yourself.

No way is it all your fault. He's a dirty old man who should have had some self control (and used it) 13 years ago. A 23 year age gap is significant at any age, but between a man and a child... I'm surprised they're not calling him a paedophile! A very angry part of me would be tempted to put people straight about a few things like he was telling you he was going to leave his wife for you and has ruined your life . Bastard. It's very hard to say no to an adult and at 16 really you're still a child, you must see that now?

Hello OP, scientist here. Just wanted to clear up- cancer can NOT be caused by stress. The only thing that could link it to stress was if she started chain smoking and binge drinking in response to being married to an old perv that preys on young girls. But that is not your fault!

Goodness gracious me, there is something very ick about a 40 year old sleeping with a 16 year old- even if it was handed to him on a plate. It's also absolutely vile to then bring that up and actually blame you 13 years later for causing the stress that caused the cancer, which is absolutely untrue anyway. This man sounds disgusting and so does anyone else agreeing with him.

You shouldn't need to forgive yourself. There is nothing to forgive. You were a young child. You should be bloody angry at him though and at the others who agree with him.

You don't deserve to punish yourself like this, as other posters have already well said.

I like this quote - 'the only people who deserve to feel guilt are the ones who never do. They don't care about hurting others. The ones who feel guilt are the good people, who care deeply'

OP - everyone makes mistakes - everyone and teenagers have more liciense than others to make more!
You cannot let this define your whole life and people around you are cruel and unkind to continue berating you.
I have sat with many friends now 20 years later - who are still letting themselves be treated badly because they believe they deserve to be punished.
STOP!! You only have one life - get some counselling and try and get past it xxxxx

I second that - you were vulnerable and take advantage of xxxx

Forgive yourself?! You were abused by a much older person who was in a position of trust as a family friend - it's absolutely disgraceful that any blame should be apportioned to you for what happened. He should have been vilified not the other way around! A 49 year old man groomed and took advantage of a 16 year old child. I think you should seek some counselling and if I were you I'd get out of that awful toxic town. Please don't stay there and suffer. I'm so angry on your behalf - what a complete bastard.

*40 year old

Sorry - I see you have seen a counsellor. You do need to forgive yourself in the sense that you need to stop blaming yourself. Get some more sessions? Try a different person?

Just want to add my voice as well - totally agree with everyone on here saying you are being badly mistreated by your 'community'. We all make stupid mistakes at 16 because we are still basically children and some older people see that and take advantage. I made some very stupid mistakes at that age and I'm just grateful that social media didn't exist (I'm very old) to record any of them or bring them up again. You are okay, you are a good person and you need to know that. Please don't let this become a shadow over your life. Take care of yourself.