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Original poster

To ask if you have ever had to forgive yourself?

142 replies

Fallingintobird · 21/10/2018 14:38

13 years ago when I was 16 I did something horrible. I had sex several times with my Dm's best mates DH. We were caught one day and as I live in a small town it was huge news for ages.

My Dm's best mate passed away at the start of the year from cancer. The whole affair scenario has reared its ugly head again since she died with alot of comments on social media about me saying that I didn't help and i contributed towards her death etc.

I am now married myself and I keep having these dreams that my husband will cheat on me or something bad will happen as I don't deserve to be happy after what I did.

I've been to see a councillor who said I need to forgive myself. I just don't see how I can. Have you ever had to forgive yourself for something?

OP posts:
krazycatlady · 21/10/2018 16:34

He has never been blamed. He put full responsibility onto me and told everyone I handed myself on a plate to him. I've tried to tell people what happened but they won't listen or believe me
Ffs sake your were 16 he was 40 if I was married to him I'd have his ball for earrings . He is disgusting he is older enough to know better taking advantage of a young girl when he's married . He caused the pain to his wife not you . Please don't give yourself a hard time any longer . You should be angry at him no one else . Also another thing you won't have been the only person he cheated on .
The cheeky sod then let you take all the responsibility, you were practically a child . I'm fuming on you behalf hi is one cf and a disgusting one at that Angry

3luckystars · 21/10/2018 16:34

I bet he cheated with other women too.

Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.

Rebecca36 · 21/10/2018 16:38

I feel so sorry for you. Of course you must forgive yourself, you were only sixteen! The man sounds like a real creep, telling people you handed it to him on a plate. Even if that was true - he wasn't forced to take from the plate! He was forty for goodness sake. Don't give him another thought and steer clear of social media for the time being, it's not helpful.

Forgiving yourself is harder than forgiving someone else but try to look at yourself as you were then, a very young girl, as if it was someone else. You would certainly forgive them.

Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 16:38

Block these people! I agree he exploited a vulnerable 16 year old. HE is the one who ought to be keeping that quiet.

I read a book by Anne Dickson called a woman in your own right and one of the things in the book was a list of rights that we all as women have, and one of them struck a chord with me. It was '' I have the right to make a mistake '' so whatever ill-judged thin you did in the past, if you've learned from it, and know you won't do it again you have the RIGHT not to have it held against you.

Andro · 21/10/2018 16:39

He has never been blamed. He put full responsibility onto me and told everyone I handed myself on a plate to him.

Even if - and it's a big if - that was an accurate description, then as an adult I would want two questions answering:

Why, as an adult, did he take advantage and choose to cheat on his wife instead of setting the right example and offering gentle guidance?

WHat had gone so wrong in your life that you were seeking affection/validation in the wrong place?

As it is, he's almost certainly talking rubbish and anyone blaming a 16yo for the choices of a 40yo need to give their heads a wobble! Let the guilt go OP, at best you made a bad decision and at worst you were exploited.

Mummadeeze · 21/10/2018 16:39

Something quite shocking happened to me when I was 17 in my town. I got given some poppers on a night out, didn’t know what I was smelling, and then a group of men had sex with me at a party whilst loads of people watched. It is a horrible blur of flashbacks but I know it ended with me locking myself in a bathroom crying. It was a small town, with narrow minded people and obviously there was lots of gossip. I luckily not long after, went to London to University and never moved back. I also broke contact with my old crowd and completely moved on. I did blame myself at first because in some ways I put myself in a vulnerable situation which I could have avoided. But the distance helped and it didn’t take me long to forgive myself as those disgusting men were definitely more to blame than I was. I would also advise you move if you can as living in a small town with judgmental small minded people must be horrible. If you can’t move, for goodness sake don’t blame yourself. Know your worth, realise that you are not a bad person, you were taken advantage of and rise above the ignorant gossipy villagers.

peanutbutterandbanana · 21/10/2018 16:43

It's only because there has been a memorial page set up in her name and people have been posting vile comments about me on there. It's so embarrassing

OP, please let us have the link to the memorial page and then we can all add our comments, anonymously and without mentioning you at all, about what we think about 40 year old married paedophiles, because that is what he was. And who knows if he isn't still behaving like this elsewhere and hasn't been discovered?

myshinynewusername · 21/10/2018 16:45

100% agree with those who say that if it hadn't been you, it would have been another girl.

In fact there probably has been other girls. The only difference with you is that you were the one he was caught with.

His projection of the blame onto you is because he knows that his wife's stress was caused by him, and he is desperate to try to deflect anger from himself because he is too inadequate to take responsibility for his own actions.

You on the other hand, are clearly capable of taking responsibility for your own actions and have the capacity to see when you have done wrong. Thats because you are a better person than him. You are better than most of those high and mighty people on social media too, I'd say.

Rebecca36 · 21/10/2018 16:56

Mummadeeze your post has made me well up. You poor girl, what a horrible thing to happen.

myshinynewusername, I agree with you that the man probably had other girls.

Devillanelle · 21/10/2018 17:01

He's a disgusting predator and the people commenting are fucking idiots. Karma isn't real either - nothing bad is coming your way. We have all done things we are ashamed of and I've certainly done worse than what you did!

TheSmallishMan · 21/10/2018 17:02

I am so sorry you are going through this OP.

I do not agree with your counsellor that you need to forgive yourself because you have done nothing wrong. Your guilt and shame are understandable but not justified therefore there is nothing to forgive.

Him on the other hand and your parents, words fail me. You were a child who needed protecting. I hope you find a way to find peace. Your husband sounds like a lovely person.

Lilic · 21/10/2018 17:03

OP, please let us have the link to the memorial page and then we can all add our comments, anonymously and without mentioning you at all, about what we think about 40 year old married paedophiles

☝️☝️☝️☝️

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 17:04

Mummadeeze what a terrifying experience. I am so sorry this happened, and you were not to blame AT ALL for what these rapists did to you.

I am glad you have been able to move on for this ordeal, I wish you every happiness.

MsNowtyBach · 21/10/2018 17:05

Yes, and I can't.

I think about it all the time and there is no resolution.

ARoomSomewhere · 21/10/2018 17:06

He was 40+ and married.
You were just 16.
No forgiveness is needed.
Be kind to yourself.
Small towns can be vile.

TheSmallishMan · 21/10/2018 17:07

Mumadeez I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. I hope you have found support to get over that horrendous ordeal.

Blueemeraldagain · 21/10/2018 17:15

I absolutely agree with other posters who say this was not your fault and you need to try and find a way to change how you think about the past.

I also wanted to say how awful that memorial page must be to read for her friends and family (the ones who haven’t posted I mean). I would hate to be reading my mother’s memorial page and be remained of the sleezy, only just legal “affair” my father had.

thighofrelief · 21/10/2018 17:23

OP you are about 30 now and married.

Would you sleep with a 16 year old? Would you promise him the earth to get him to sleep with you? He's lovely looking and clearly fancies you, can you resist?

You wouldn't dream of it because you are a proper grown up and he is not. Plus you are married.

If you did, what would you think of your behaviour?

The town i used to live in turned against me for something i did as a teenager, shouting slut in the street. I hated myself for years.

Years later i put the cunt in prison, there was a Facebook page supporting him calling me all sorts. I was so hurt all over again.

They were monsters as much as he was.

As for karma? Fuck that i know some shitty people who have everything and my fabulous Dad is in hospital now fighting for his life.

Life is weird and random. I'm not a medical person but i think cancer is cells that have gone weird and wrong. You don't have odd super powers that change other peoples cells.

None of this has anything to do with you.

If anyone says anything to you tell them to find a 40 year old and give them their 16 year old child. Go and watch a 16 year old and observe how silly and childish they are.

thighofrelief · 21/10/2018 17:26

My son is 19, if a 40 year old married woman had an affair with him i would go and smash her face in for her. Your DM should have been the same.

peanutbutterandbanana · 21/10/2018 17:38

My son is 19, if a 40 year old married woman had an affair with him i would go and smash her face in for her. Your DM should have been the same.

100% agree. My DD2 is 15. If she got involved in something like this in any way I would a) seriously think about punching the man in the face and b) feel that I had failed as a mother and c) wrap my arms around her and see what I could do to ensure she never fell into the arms of a predator again.

A girl of 16 is not an adult, has the body of a woman without having the wisdom of an adult. 16-24 year olds are very vulnerable and hence why they are most likely to be the victims of predatory men. After that age they are more likely to spot what is really going on. You are a victim here. That man entrapped you and then blamed you because blaming himself was too difficult. He is beyond contempt and I'm guessing he cannot now live with all the pain he caused his poor wife. I would happily post a comment on that memorial page if you want to DM me. Some facts of life on there seems like what is needed.

ButchyRestingFace · 21/10/2018 17:41

I'm a completely different person now, I would never ever do that kind of thing now. Just all these people saying how I will get karma and deserve to be punished makes me think that one day I will get what's coming to me

You really need to get out of that town, pet.

Sugarformyhoney · 21/10/2018 17:44

I have a 16 year old daughter. She is a child. Though over the age of consent you were also a child and this man should have known better.
Forgive yourself. Goodness me it sounds as though the people in your home town are insular and absolutely ridiculous. You have nothing to be ashamed of- please ignore these spiteful and ignorant idiots

Sugarformyhoney · 21/10/2018 17:45

And no, karma isn’t coming for you. You have nothing to redeem.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 21/10/2018 17:45

please let us have the link to the memorial page

Dont do this OP. Horrendous idea

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 21/10/2018 17:46

Horrendous idea for a bunch of strangers to want to go shitting all over someones memorial page

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