to not give my 13 year old much (or anything) for his birthday?

[LouisaRossini]

I am having problems with my son including refusing to go to school, vaping and smoking cannibis. (I have posted in the teenage section as well)

I initially tried to deal with it by taking his stuff from him, reducing wifi etc.this just made him more angry and made his behaviour worse.

I then changed my approach to a more understanding - 'how can I help and support you?' tactic i.e meeting with school, asking why he behaves the way he does, asking if or how I can support him - this also didn't work. He just shrugs, says he behaves the way he is because he's bored and doesn't seem to care about anything.

His birthday is coming up - I would normally give him money, but because I know he is smoking will not give him any money at all.

I was instead going to get him some JD vouchers and a few bits and bobs, but because he is so vile and badly behaved would I BU to give him just a card? Or would he just hate me even more?

He really doesn't deserve anything but I am worried that me not giving him anything for his birthday will always be in his memory and he will hold that against me? WWYD?

No you can’t stop it at school but I would be working with the school and when you start getting good reports back and earning a bit more freedom. I certainly wouldn’t be allowing a 13yr to ha g around the streets taking drugs as and when they please and having any more nice little chats about it. Clearly his friends have no boundaries and look where that’s landed them. He’s 13 not 16plus and can certainly can and should still be grounded and have his phone removed if he’s not mature enough to have that level of freedom.

He needs love, support and boundaries. Sometimes with kids though it's the luck of the draw who they end up being friends with and what those friends will introduce them to.

I agree, no gift is not an option. JD sports or a driving day or something like that sounds fine.

Why is he 'bored'? When my 2 were 13 they were immersed in so many after school activities that they never even had an idea what being bored meant. Between football, rugby homework and other after school activities the only free time they had was to play on PS with their mates when all other activities were finished.

I'd be concerned that he is being supplied cannabis but isn't paying for it. If his friends or their friends are laying on for him, then there will be an expectation to 'pay them back'. Often vulnerable children are targeted and they will lay on and then they will be expected to run for them. Also watch out for new clothes, money, burner phone (non smart), friends older than your DC's. It doesn't take long to groom these children and they can very quickly become entrenched in this lifestyle.

I certainly wouldn’t be allowing a 13yr to ha g around the streets taking drugs as and when they please and having any more nice little chats about it. Clearly his friends have no boundaries and look where that’s landed them

I agree. It doesnt sound like he has boundaries either. At 13, although a child, they are not stupid. They see your negotiating and tolerance as weakness. Behaviour initially gets worse if you set firmer boundaries and rules but if you are consistent and a the same time, talk and show some concern they respect you more.

You need to ring children's services and get help. You also need to go to school and tell them what is happening. There is support out there for children putting themselves in risky situations. Maybe a CAMHS referral or a referral to the young offenders unit. The senco from school can either refer you or tell you how you can refer yourself.
There are bigger problems in your ds's life than what to give him for his birthday. He is an addict and breaking the law. You need professional help.

caryatid1965

Spread the love, eh?

You're talking about a child.

I agree moredoll. Good job they aren't his parent. Some people have no empathy.

Oh op, this sounds like a really difficult situation. I have no idea what you should do for his birthday but I do feel you need to keep the lines of communication open as hard as that is. Write him a letter, tell him that whatever he does you will be there for him and you will love him. He is putting himself in risky situations and he may make some wrong decisions. Without being able to come to you for help if he gets in trouble he could really come a cropper. Could you have some kind of amnesty. It seems like he's hell bent on distructive behaviour. You could accept what he's doing without condoning it. Could you get a private dyslexia/sen assessment to push things along?

Cloglover - thanks yes I agree about keeping the channels of communication open - however this is really hard when inside I feel so angry and disappointed.

I'm afraid I think he's one of those people who has to make their own mistakes in life - he won't listen to anyone who tries to tell him what the best thing to so is.

DH and I are going to try and focus on sorting one problem at a time - this week we will be doing our utmost to get him to attend school each day and if he is able to do that, I will buy him something on the weekend.

I think it's going to be a long and difficult journey, but have to try and stay positive!