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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not give my 13 year old much (or anything) for his birthday?

112 replies

LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 12:00

I am having problems with my son including refusing to go to school, vaping and smoking cannibis. (I have posted in the teenage section as well)

I initially tried to deal with it by taking his stuff from him, reducing wifi etc.this just made him more angry and made his behaviour worse.

I then changed my approach to a more understanding - 'how can I help and support you?' tactic i.e meeting with school, asking why he behaves the way he does, asking if or how I can support him - this also didn't work. He just shrugs, says he behaves the way he is because he's bored and doesn't seem to care about anything.

His birthday is coming up - I would normally give him money, but because I know he is smoking will not give him any money at all.

I was instead going to get him some JD vouchers and a few bits and bobs, but because he is so vile and badly behaved would I BU to give him just a card? Or would he just hate me even more?

He really doesn't deserve anything but I am worried that me not giving him anything for his birthday will always be in his memory and he will hold that against me? WWYD?

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 21/10/2018 15:47

Has this started since secondary school? Has there been any signifcant changes in his life, siblings who can give some insight?

How does he manage school work? Rebellion in teens can often be depression and maybe he is self medicating.

I would make the GP appointment happen, almost like a dental appointment, he has to go to get checked up.

Goldmandra · 21/10/2018 15:48

I would suggest rather than PDA, to look at Conduct Disorder

Don't discount anything at this stage.

If his behaviour was an issue before the cannabis, he may be self-medicating. This is really common in autism spectrum disorders like PDA.

A child doesn't get to decide if they go to the doctors or not if you believe they should. Be a parent.

That is a shitty comment based on ignorance.

Have you ever tried physically force a 13 year old child to do something absolutely against their will? It stops being safe and possible to do this when they are preschoolers.

I was told by CAMHS not to do that to my (small for her age) DD2 when she was 7.

moredoll · 21/10/2018 15:53

I think sometimes the dangers of cannabis to teenagers are underestimated.
His brain is still developing and skunk (which is what he is most likely using) can dramatically interfere with that. There is a greatly increased risk of psychosis and mental health problems.
As Italiangreyhound says explore all avenues to find help that suits both him and you.
And I find myself agreeing with LethalWhite. I'd be talking to the police about where he's getting it from, maybe not in an "arrest these fuckers" way but I'd be flagging it up.

Original poster
LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 15:53

lifebegins - it's certainly got worse since starting secondary school and he has been struggling with his work. School have supported by putting in catch up programmes - it is possible he has a learning difficulty which we have discussed with school who are currently investigating.

I agree he needs to see a GP, I'll just have to find a way to get him there.

I've asked if he is depressed or being bullied and he just says he's fine - but I suspect he would just say that anyway. I also believe he is self medicating as he has a very volatile personality and struggles with his emotions and self control - of course, I need to find a way to find him the right support to avoid his self medicating.

OP posts:
Original poster
LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 15:57

I have already flagged it with police who now regularly patrol the local park, of course they've all just found somewhere else to hang out now.

Police are aware but are of course more interested in the suppliers rather than the 'little fish'.

OP posts:
Wombatwife · 21/10/2018 16:01

I’d personally offer to take him out for a meal / cinema for his birthday and that would be the only present. But also explain that if he changes his attitude and behaviour within X months then we’ll have a deferred birthday with presents. Might be an incentive for him as well as showing him that you won’t ‘reward’ the behaviour.

lifebegins50 · 21/10/2018 16:02

I think pursuing learning support might be the best option however is his school able to offer good enough support? Sadly so many schools struggle with funding.

My friends ds was lovely but his behaviour in Yr7 detoriated as he couldn't keep up with the work (always felt stupid) and his response was to go down the "bad boy" route.
Parents took him out of mainstream and were able to afford a private specialist school that offers more support.
Change has been dramatic.They just about afford it (addesd to their mortgage) but took the view that for a few years he needed this investment

He won't know he is depressed as its only in reflection is it more obvious but lack of interest in areas of his life plus taking drugs is a symptom.
Does he do sport? If there an area that he does well in?

rainingcatsanddog · 21/10/2018 16:11

He's only 13 and you allow him to refuse to go to the doctors and refuse a day out? Wow!

Some 13 year olds are physically bigger than adults. You can't pick them up kicking and screaming like a toddler. Even if she managed to get him there, what's stopping him from sitting there and saying nothing? He doesn't give a flying fuck about his parents, why would he engage with professionals? He has to want to change for counselling to work.

My son smoked the odd cannabis joint too and it was being busy (part-time job, studying, new school, girlfriend) which left him with no time to smoke with his friends whose parents gave them massive allowances (so didn't mind subbing ds)

corythatwas · 21/10/2018 16:15

If the bad behaviour was before the cannabis, then the cannabis may be an attempt to self-medicate for inner turmoil, we've had other posters whose sons have done the same. But of course only making situation worse. Plus he is likely to be in the power of the older drug pushers- very difficult one, OP, and I really feel for you. I would probably try to not rise to some of his more unkind comments, but try to control where he is as much as possible, if necessary by some of the very good suggestions for activities made by pp.

What I would absolutely not do is listen to the posters suggesting you should get into situations of physical altercations with him. Atm he still has a chance to come back if he can see his way to it. If he lands you in hospital or worse during a physical stand-off, that will break up your family.

By the time my ds was 13 he was taller than me and very much stronger than me: any attempt to control him physically would have been likely to end very badly for both of us: I couldn't have dragged him anywhere without hurting him and if he had lashed out he could have hurt me very badly indeed.

Gottagetmoving · 21/10/2018 16:23

That is a shitty comment based on ignorance. Have you ever tried physically force a 13 year old child to do something absolutely against their will? It stops being safe and possible to do this when they are preschoolers

No, it's based on experience. Yes, I have had to force a 14 year old to do something. It was perfectly safe.. There are times it's not safe not to!
Of course it's best not to get to a point where a 13 year old gets that shifty but you don't start being flakey if they do.

Gottagetmoving · 21/10/2018 16:23

Shitty not shifty.

Ameliarose16 · 21/10/2018 16:24

Sounds like he needs a hobby

BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 16:27

Is he about to turn 13? So he's 12? Your op isn't clear

This is a tough one. I have an almost 12 year old and he's still very much a 'little boy' so I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I do have a 20 year old though so well versed in various nonsense over the years

Is he ever pleasant? Do you ever have a good time together? Would he play a board game or watch a tv series with you with popcorn and nice food? What would he do if you told him he was no longer allowed to go out with these 'friends?' Where are their parents and are they approachable?

BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 16:28

And if you physically 'made him' do something, what would be the fall out from that? Moaning and whinging and refusals or is he physically violent?

Original poster
LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 16:33

Bat Faced he's currently 13 almost 14.

He's rarely pleasant, I'm constantly trying to engage him and steer him away from going out but he's just not interested. When he's in the house he's in his room on his phone. He'a mostly rude and unpleasant, if I challenge him he has become physically violent in the past and police have been involved. He has issues with control.

Unfortunately he wasn't phased by a visit from the police - he's no where near as physical or aggressive but I suspect that is because he is self medicating with cannabis.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/10/2018 16:33

OP, go and see the GP yourself, ask him/her, the way to go.
If he needs to be seen, they'll do something about it.

Original poster
LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 16:37

I have also tracked him via his mobile phone and went to find him in an attempt to stop him from hanging around with the undesirables but this was clearly a mistake as he lost it in the car and started punching the dash board because I had obviously embarrassed him in front of his croanies - whatever I do seems to be wrong

OP posts:
BumsexAtTheBingo · 21/10/2018 16:51

I have a child near the same age and this behaviour is so outside of acceptable that I would be completely restricting freedom and he’d have to earn it back. If you can drop and collect him from school or get someone else to I’d do that and otherwise he wouldn’t be going out until I had x amount of time of excellent reports and no school refusal. If he doesn’t go to school then you can’t carry him but I’d be removing his phone/turning WiFi off.
If he is only associating with friends who behave the same way as him a school move might not be a bad idea either.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 21/10/2018 16:52

I also wouldn’t give a flying rats hoo har if he was embarrassed in front of his friends. I’d rather he was embarrassed than arrested.

BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 16:57

Then I think you need to involve as much outside help as you possibly can. Start with the GP and pour energies into contacting as many agencies as you can to see if they can help.

It sounds like it has gone beyond you enforcing boundaries - although do bear in mind that even if he doesn't seem to care about anything, there's always something they care about. You just need to find the right 'currency' and you need outside help now

starrynitelight · 21/10/2018 16:57

Does he have a football he supports? How about tickets to a match. Or hockey. Rugby. Or whatever sport he's into?

I agree an experience is probably better than vouchers - teen driving course, climbing?? Try to reconnect with him someday? I'm sorry I know it's easier said than done.

Good luck OP.

Angelil · 21/10/2018 16:59

Taking the phone away might help a bit - you don't know who he is communicating with or why.

zzzzz · 21/10/2018 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiredgirly · 21/10/2018 17:10

It is a very tricky situation and there are some very ignorant glib answers on here.
Really at this age you can't control and punish them the same as a younger child.They will just find ways to be more sneaky and slippery.

You can escort him to school and back, but you can't stop him slipping out once he's there.
There will be Dc in his class who can get it for him and give it to him at school. Changing school is pointless because the situation will be the same in any other school.
Your best hope is to keep the lines of communication open enough . Your aim is to stop him wanting it because you will never, never be able to stop the supply

BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 17:14

Oh and I'd try not to over punish. It just leads to a vicious cycle of negativity

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