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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give my 13 year old much (or anything) for his birthday?

112 replies

LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 12:00

I am having problems with my son including refusing to go to school, vaping and smoking cannibis. (I have posted in the teenage section as well)

I initially tried to deal with it by taking his stuff from him, reducing wifi etc.this just made him more angry and made his behaviour worse.

I then changed my approach to a more understanding - 'how can I help and support you?' tactic i.e meeting with school, asking why he behaves the way he does, asking if or how I can support him - this also didn't work. He just shrugs, says he behaves the way he is because he's bored and doesn't seem to care about anything.

His birthday is coming up - I would normally give him money, but because I know he is smoking will not give him any money at all.

I was instead going to get him some JD vouchers and a few bits and bobs, but because he is so vile and badly behaved would I BU to give him just a card? Or would he just hate me even more?

He really doesn't deserve anything but I am worried that me not giving him anything for his birthday will always be in his memory and he will hold that against me? WWYD?

OP posts:
VeganCow · 21/10/2018 14:04

I would ask GP for a home visit?

Seniorcitizen1 · 21/10/2018 14:04

house4 I know that but cannabis smoking at 13 vs a birthday gift - I know where my focus would be. The cannabus smoking is serious the gift us trivial

Kahlua4me · 21/10/2018 14:10

I also think you need to give him a gift for his birthday. Even if he is vile now, he still needs to know that you both love him and not giving him anything will drive him further away and closer to his friends.

Perhaps a voucher or a year pass for the cinema. Would a weekend away with his dad be a good thing? Perhaps doing something active or something he would enjoy. Does his dad have any interests or hobbies he may like? It sounds like he needs time away from his friends so there is a chance of finding another path to take in life.

It is such a difficult age, and I think it is even harder now to keep them focussed and behaving.

Jaxhog · 21/10/2018 14:15

He's your son! You need to use some tough love. You march him to counselling, he doesn't get the option to say no. He can choose not to participate, but he doesn't choose not to go.

And no, he gets presents only when he behaves in a way to deserve them. If you give him a present, then it sends out sll the wrong messages,.

This may sound harsh, but the only other option is to let him carry on as he currently does. This is not good for him in any way.

moredoll · 21/10/2018 14:15

The voucher sounds like a good idea. Can you go with him when he spends it and then out for pizza or something? That way you'll know he's not selling it on.

I should add that he is smoking and vaping with others who are supplying this stuff, he has no money of his own to buy anything.

What does the youth worker say about this?
Older boys sometimes give younger ones drugs which they 'earn' by running errands. It sounds like your son needs more support. Can the youth worker recommend any service? Talk to Frank might be able to advise you.

Mamabear4180 · 21/10/2018 14:23

I'd not worry about the vaping so much. he may be addicted to nicotine which will make him more irritable due to levels going up and down between vapes. IMO vaping isn't harmful but that's for you to decide. However if you don't want him vaping it will take a few days at home under your watch to break the nicotine habit.

If he's smoking cannabis I would ground him for that as it's completely unacceptable. School refusal may be related to bullying or something he's not telling you about, teenagers have a lot to be emotional about but I think breaking the cycle of arguments and punishments is probably the first step to getting him talking to you.

Whatever the problems are that you're not privy to I think you need to reign him back in and the only way to really do that is to keep him with you at home for a while. He'll hate you at first but hopefully in the long run he would thank you. He's only 13 so way too young to be out smoking drugs and telling you he doesn't want to spend time with you.

moredoll · 21/10/2018 14:29

Mamabear4180

I think cannabis is vaped now.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2018 14:34

LouisaRossini

"... yes his dad is around, but he's just as obnoxious to him as well."

So the dad, your partner (?), is in your life still it just your son's?

The dad is getting the same treatment from son. Are you working together on tgis or do you feel you are battling alone?

Ate there any local charities that work with drugs and kids where you are?

Original poster
LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 14:38

Vegan, thanks - I hadn't thought of a home visit

italian - yes his dad and I are together and we do have a united front, but his dad is just as disillusioned as me.

There are charities, but the problem is his refusal to accept any help. He has refused counselling and various interventions as he refuses to engage, this of course makes it very difficult to support him.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2018 14:40

Sorry of this is basic stuff but have you checked out....

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/talking-about-drugs-with-your-child/

m.talktofrank.com/

www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/drugs-and-your-child#toc-2

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/drugs-alcohol/where-to-get-help-for-your-teen-about-drugs/

I expect you have checked some of these out bit it might help to realise you are not alone and to find support for you as well as your son. Flowers

Original poster
LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 14:41

moredoll - yes he has told me he both vapes cannabis and smokes traditional joints with tobacco.

Of course I really wish he wasn't partaking in any of these behaviours but, I am a lot more concerned about the long term health risks of the tobacco rather than the cannabis or vaping to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 14:42

Thanks italian, I'm grateful for any information or support.

OP posts:
b4dmum · 21/10/2018 14:43

I wouldn't worry about it being a bad memory for him. My parents stopped Christmas and birthday presents for 2 years for similar reasons, and looking back I can't say I blame them. He could hate you while he's still a kid though.

safariboot · 21/10/2018 14:50

When and where is he smoking and vaping? Is it feasible to drop him at school, pick him up afterwards, and ground him outside of school times?

I wouldn't give him anything he can share with his bad influence 'friends' or easily sell or trade. Taking him somewhere with you and/or his dad is probably the best bet. How about a football match?

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2018 14:53

Yes completely difficult to support him. But can you get help for you.

I think if you can have conversations around this e.g. what happens when he cannot afford to buy drugs or friends stop supporting him, what happens if he gets arrested?

I wonder if a charity can support you so you are ready when/if this impassive hard surface of his starts to crack?

E.g. if his friends ask him to do something illegal to support his habit? Will be come to you and tell you? He might. How can you be in a position to help him?

I've no idea how to make him comply with gp or youth leader (glad there is one, I missed that before) but there might be strategies that work better than others.

I' d look to charities to empower you and dp/dh because may be one day he will realise he is in over his head.

It's not just about health, it's illegal and what if his drug smoking buddies put him into a situation where he could be hurt physically or arrested. (I'm sorry to say that.)

I'd look into moving school and use the threat of that as a leverage to access help but I'd take advice on all strategies before I implemented them!

Don't take my word for it. I've not been where you are!

I'm just saying what I would do! Or rather what I think I would do!

I do think some strategic leverage is useful.

This is so hard. Flowers Flowers Flowers Three bunches, one for each of you, he is a victim of drugs too, Even if he is willingly walking into the lion's den! Sad

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 21/10/2018 14:59

I'd be utterly horrified to find my 13yo (I have one) smoked tobacco, but cannabis - another league entirely of bad. It's not a trivial drug. It can induce really serious psychological and psychiatric problems, and the younger they start, the more likely those are.

I think in this situation I'd be going very restrictive indeed. Looking at getting him in a PRU-type setting for the school refusal. Grounding him at home. No access to money, daily room searches. The rationale being that he is clearly unable to make good decisions for himself or keep himself safe so you are doing it for him.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 21/10/2018 15:00

Oh, and the vaping is entirely age-inappropriate too, and almost certainly more damaging to health than currently assumed.

Eliza9917 · 21/10/2018 15:04

I'd be very concerned about people giving him drugs for nothing. This is what pushers do then hit the kid with a massive bill and tell them they can sell drugs for them to pay off the debt. Google county lines.

TwllBach · 21/10/2018 15:09

Do you mind me asking you whereabouts you are OP? Could you whisk him away for a weekend and book completely different experiences for him? In fact, I'm going to PM you shortly.

LethalWhite · 21/10/2018 15:15

I'd tqke him shopping, and for a meal. Buy him some things he wants, spend time with him.

I'd also find out who is giving him cannabis and call the police on them, teenager or not.

tolerable · 21/10/2018 15:16

@op Please dont uncelebrate his birthday/refuse gifts.cant you sit n order stuff online with him?peraps...its a start to a wee bit time together.

rainingcatsanddog · 21/10/2018 15:22

Vouchers can be sold on. An addict would happily sell a voucher for a fraction of the price in cash (and there are online places that allow you to do this)

I think he needs a gift and trainers would go down well but I advise you to drive him to jd to pick rather than the voucher.

LethalWhite · 21/10/2018 15:23

Also, maybe do a bit more meeting in the middle, ifswim.

So he can access wifi in the evening up to 10pm if he's made some effort to go to school that day, not been rude etc.

Buy food he likes as a reward for small good behaviours.

Tell him you love him no matter what, and you have faith he'll come through this phase and be the person he's meant to be

jelliebelly · 21/10/2018 15:28

This is about so much more than a birthday present. Buy him a gift but not something that can be sold on easily/exchanged for cash. from what you describe without intervention he will be taking harder drugs before long. Where is he going to smoke? I'd be tempted to ground him and even potentially move away from the area - my ds is 13 and if I found out he did anything like this he'd be going nowhere in his own!

Gottagetmoving · 21/10/2018 15:37

He's only 13 and you allow him to refuse to go to the doctors and refuse a day out? Wow!

And the most unhelpful post of the day goes to

Ah,....what a very witty response! Hmm.... He is 13,....a child. A child doesn't get to decide if they go to the doctors or not if you believe they should. Be a parent.

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