to not give my 13 year old much (or anything) for his birthday?

[LouisaRossini]

I am having problems with my son including refusing to go to school, vaping and smoking cannibis. (I have posted in the teenage section as well)

I initially tried to deal with it by taking his stuff from him, reducing wifi etc.this just made him more angry and made his behaviour worse.

I then changed my approach to a more understanding - 'how can I help and support you?' tactic i.e meeting with school, asking why he behaves the way he does, asking if or how I can support him - this also didn't work. He just shrugs, says he behaves the way he is because he's bored and doesn't seem to care about anything.

His birthday is coming up - I would normally give him money, but because I know he is smoking will not give him any money at all.

I was instead going to get him some JD vouchers and a few bits and bobs, but because he is so vile and badly behaved would I BU to give him just a card? Or would he just hate me even more?

He really doesn't deserve anything but I am worried that me not giving him anything for his birthday will always be in his memory and he will hold that against me? WWYD?

[LouisaRossini]

Cloglover - thanks yes I agree about keeping the channels of communication open - however this is really hard when inside I feel so angry and disappointed.

I'm afraid I think he's one of those people who has to make their own mistakes in life - he won't listen to anyone who tries to tell him what the best thing to so is.

DH and I are going to try and focus on sorting one problem at a time - this week we will be doing our utmost to get him to attend school each day and if he is able to do that, I will buy him something on the weekend.

I think it's going to be a long and difficult journey, but have to try and stay positive!

[Cloglover]

Oh op, this sounds like a really difficult situation. I have no idea what you should do for his birthday but I do feel you need to keep the lines of communication open as hard as that is. Write him a letter, tell him that whatever he does you will be there for him and you will love him. He is putting himself in risky situations and he may make some wrong decisions. Without being able to come to you for help if he gets in trouble he could really come a cropper. Could you have some kind of amnesty. It seems like he's hell bent on distructive behaviour. You could accept what he's doing without condoning it. Could you get a private dyslexia/sen assessment to push things along?

[Spankyoumuchly]

I agree moredoll. Good job they aren't his parent. Some people have no empathy.

[moredoll]

caryatid1965

Spread the love, eh?

You're talking about a child.

[Spankyoumuchly]

You need to ring children's services and get help. You also need to go to school and tell them what is happening. There is support out there for children putting themselves in risky situations. Maybe a CAMHS referral or a referral to the young offenders unit. The senco from school can either refer you or tell you how you can refer yourself.
There are bigger problems in your ds's life than what to give him for his birthday. He is an addict and breaking the law. You need professional help.

[Gottagetmoving]

I certainly wouldn’t be allowing a 13yr to ha g around the streets taking drugs as and when they please and having any more nice little chats about it. Clearly his friends have no boundaries and look where that’s landed them

I agree. It doesnt sound like he has boundaries either. At 13, although a child, they are not stupid. They see your negotiating and tolerance as weakness. Behaviour initially gets worse if you set firmer boundaries and rules but if you are consistent and a the same time, talk and show some concern they respect you more.

[forumdonkey]

I'd be concerned that he is being supplied cannabis but isn't paying for it. If his friends or their friends are laying on for him, then there will be an expectation to 'pay them back'. Often vulnerable children are targeted and they will lay on and then they will be expected to run for them. Also watch out for new clothes, money, burner phone (non smart), friends older than your DC's. It doesn't take long to groom these children and they can very quickly become entrenched in this lifestyle.

[expatmigrant]

Why is he 'bored'? When my 2 were 13 they were immersed in so many after school activities that they never even had an idea what being bored meant. Between football, rugby homework and other after school activities the only free time they had was to play on PS with their mates when all other activities were finished.

[Oblomov18]

I agree, no gift is not an option. JD sports or a driving day or something like that sounds fine.

[Devillanelle]

He needs love, support and boundaries. Sometimes with kids though it's the luck of the draw who they end up being friends with and what those friends will introduce them to.

[BumsexAtTheBingo]

No you can’t stop it at school but I would be working with the school and when you start getting good reports back and earning a bit more freedom. I certainly wouldn’t be allowing a 13yr to ha g around the streets taking drugs as and when they please and having any more nice little chats about it. Clearly his friends have no boundaries and look where that’s landed them. He’s 13 not 16plus and can certainly can and should still be grounded and have his phone removed if he’s not mature enough to have that level of freedom.

[BatFacedOK]

Oh and I'd try not to over punish. It just leads to a vicious cycle of negativity

[tiredgirly]

It is a very tricky situation and there are some very ignorant glib answers on here.
Really at this age you can't control and punish them the same as a younger child.They will just find ways to be more sneaky and slippery.

You can escort him to school and back, but you can't stop him slipping out once he's there.
There will be Dc in his class who can get it for him and give it to him at school. Changing school is pointless because the situation will be the same in any other school.
Your best hope is to keep the lines of communication open enough . Your aim is to stop him wanting it because you will never, never be able to stop the supply

[Angelil]

Taking the phone away might help a bit - you don't know who he is communicating with or why.

[starrynitelight]

Does he have a football he supports? How about tickets to a match. Or hockey. Rugby. Or whatever sport he's into?

I agree an experience is probably better than vouchers - teen driving course, climbing?? Try to reconnect with him someday? I'm sorry I know it's easier said than done.

Good luck OP.

[BatFacedOK]

Then I think you need to involve as much outside help as you possibly can. Start with the GP and pour energies into contacting as many agencies as you can to see if they can help.

It sounds like it has gone beyond you enforcing boundaries - although do bear in mind that even if he doesn't seem to care about anything, there's always something they care about. You just need to find the right 'currency' and you need outside help now

[BumsexAtTheBingo]

I also wouldn’t give a flying rats hoo har if he was embarrassed in front of his friends. I’d rather he was embarrassed than arrested.

[BumsexAtTheBingo]

I have a child near the same age and this behaviour is so outside of acceptable that I would be completely restricting freedom and he’d have to earn it back. If you can drop and collect him from school or get someone else to I’d do that and otherwise he wouldn’t be going out until I had x amount of time of excellent reports and no school refusal. If he doesn’t go to school then you can’t carry him but I’d be removing his phone/turning WiFi off.
If he is only associating with friends who behave the same way as him a school move might not be a bad idea either.

[LouisaRossini]

I have also tracked him via his mobile phone and went to find him in an attempt to stop him from hanging around with the undesirables but this was clearly a mistake as he lost it in the car and started punching the dash board because I had obviously embarrassed him in front of his croanies - whatever I do seems to be wrong

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

OP, go and see the GP yourself, ask him/her, the way to go.
If he needs to be seen, they'll do something about it.

[LouisaRossini]

Bat Faced he's currently 13 almost 14.

He's rarely pleasant, I'm constantly trying to engage him and steer him away from going out but he's just not interested. When he's in the house he's in his room on his phone. He'a mostly rude and unpleasant, if I challenge him he has become physically violent in the past and police have been involved. He has issues with control.

Unfortunately he wasn't phased by a visit from the police - he's no where near as physical or aggressive but I suspect that is because he is self medicating with cannabis.

[BatFacedOK]

And if you physically 'made him' do something, what would be the fall out from that? Moaning and whinging and refusals or is he physically violent?

[BatFacedOK]

Is he about to turn 13? So he's 12? Your op isn't clear

This is a tough one. I have an almost 12 year old and he's still very much a 'little boy' so I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I do have a 20 year old though so well versed in various nonsense over the years

Is he ever pleasant? Do you ever have a good time together? Would he play a board game or watch a tv series with you with popcorn and nice food? What would he do if you told him he was no longer allowed to go out with these 'friends?' Where are their parents and are they approachable?