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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give my 13 year old much (or anything) for his birthday?

112 replies

LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 12:00

I am having problems with my son including refusing to go to school, vaping and smoking cannibis. (I have posted in the teenage section as well)

I initially tried to deal with it by taking his stuff from him, reducing wifi etc.this just made him more angry and made his behaviour worse.

I then changed my approach to a more understanding - 'how can I help and support you?' tactic i.e meeting with school, asking why he behaves the way he does, asking if or how I can support him - this also didn't work. He just shrugs, says he behaves the way he is because he's bored and doesn't seem to care about anything.

His birthday is coming up - I would normally give him money, but because I know he is smoking will not give him any money at all.

I was instead going to get him some JD vouchers and a few bits and bobs, but because he is so vile and badly behaved would I BU to give him just a card? Or would he just hate me even more?

He really doesn't deserve anything but I am worried that me not giving him anything for his birthday will always be in his memory and he will hold that against me? WWYD?

OP posts:

CrossCurious · 21/10/2018 13:12

Would joining army cadets / air cadets help? Gives him something to look forward to.

Gottagetmoving · 21/10/2018 13:14

He's only 13 and you allow him to refuse to go to the doctors and refuse a day out? Wow!

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2018 13:18

Excuse me, all you 'how come you allow him to...' people.

How do you physically force a 13 year-old to go to school/the GP/Pizza Hut/rugby/outdoor activities/air cadets?

I'm sure the OP would love some tips.

TheStoic · 21/10/2018 13:20

He's only 13 and you allow him to refuse to go to the doctors and refuse a day out? Wow!

And the most unhelpful post of the day goes to...

bullyingadvice2017 · 21/10/2018 13:21

I was that 13 year old. My parents did not allow it and did everything to try and stop me. I didn't give a shit. I never moved schools but that would be my approach. To another part of town if poss.

davisday · 21/10/2018 13:22

Please don't use his birthday as another way to punish him. Use it as a way to cement your love and support. Don't treat him any differently to any other birthday he is had. Ok, don't give cash, but please buy him some presents.

I think it's counterproductive. He would end up with more resentment and feelings of 'what's the point'

davisday · 21/10/2018 13:23

A 13 year old smoking cannabis! What is the world coming to

Very very common. The world isn't 'coming to'. It has been there a long time.

Dodie66 · 21/10/2018 13:25

I think you should still give him presents. It will make him feel worse if you don’t. Why don’t you ask him what he would like?

Butterflycookie · 21/10/2018 13:27

How do you physically force a 13 year-old to go to school/the GP/Pizza Hut/rugby/outdoor activities/air cadets?

Not being funny but if it was my child I would physically drag them to their gp appointment or whatever.

TheStoic · 21/10/2018 13:34

Not being funny but if it was my child I would physically drag them to their gp appointment or whatever.

Good luck with that.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 21/10/2018 13:37

Not being funny but if it was my child I would physically drag them to their gp appointment or whatever

What would that achieve? So let's say you do manage to physically manhandle him into the room, then what? How do you plan on forcing him to talk? If the GP refers him for counselling, for example, and you manage to forcibly manhandle him into a counselling session, how will you make him engage with the counsellor ? What do you think they can do to help someone who makes it so clear that they don't want the help? At 13 OP's son will have the capacity to make decisions about his own treatment so services cannot force him to work with them.

caroloro · 21/10/2018 13:38

Is there anything he wants to do? Rifle range, driving experience, stuff that is so cool a 13 year old would do it, even with his Mum?

I wouldn't give him anything he could trade or spend, and I wouldn't be looking to punish him through witholding gifts, but I would be looking for opportunities to build my relationship.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2018 13:38

I would explore gifts that can give him an activity - something like Go ape, if he can cope with heights etc, or some other fun 'experience'.

"I should add that he is smoking and vaping with others who are supplying this stuff"

Is there anyone who can help to intervene here, school, a youth club worker or anyone.

What will happen when 'friends' stop supplying? He needs to think about that himself. Will he be encouraged to 'earn' money by dealing, stealing or whatever else?

LouisaRossini "I did make an appointment with the GP and he refused to attend because the time 'wasn't convenient for him' and he said it was 'a waste of time'. School have offered a counselling service but he's just not interested in engaging."

When my dd was being particularly difficult one night (not drug related) I did say that if this continued I would need to call the police. She was being violent with herself, throwing herself a round a bit, I feared she would her herself. I must say for me that worked quite well and she has not had an incident like that since.

If anyone thinks that was 'theatrical' on my part it was actually desperation! She went in the garden shouting at about 8.00 at night and I feared neighbors would call the police.

In your shoes I wold take advice from a kids and drugs charity about whether to threaten to involved the police or whether to involve the police anyway.

A threat to involve the police could be leverage to get him to do the course at school and go to GP. But do take advice.

Re 'Of course I don't like you, teenagers are not meant to like their parents!' Thats fine but you are the parent and you are in charge.

"It's really hard work to try and help someone who clearly thinks there is not a problem - he keeps saying I am being 'over protective!' He's very unpleasant"

It sounds incredibly hard, are you getting support from somewhere for you?

I really do think he needs to wake up and think how he is going to support his drugs habit when friends stop supplying, as they will once he is hooked. Does he not wonder why they are so generous? He needs a wake up call. It will be hard for you to supply it but a charity may be able to help.

Missingstreetlife · 21/10/2018 13:38

Sometimes if you set a boundary where none existed there is resistance. Don't cave in, reinforce. Get him a nice birthday present, or pay for an activity with a friend. Have some fun together, even at home.
Is he worried about anything, appearance, schoolwork, bullying, sexuality.....
Don't punish, just have consequences. Both parents on the same page
He needs a serious talk and a new regime. This can get worse if you don't get hold of it now.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 21/10/2018 13:41

I think OP that I would just give him a card.

If you have reached this stage now, at age 13, I dread to think what he will be like in a couple of years

Its his birthday but it doesn't wipe away all the shit he is doing to you, or how your family is being ripped through the mill. He is grown up enough to do all that....and cannot treat you all like human beings, he has waived his right to the same treatment for himself

I would struggle to treat him. I honestly would.

People saying they would physically drag him to appointments have no idea of what you are going through....whatsoever

ShawshanksRedemption · 21/10/2018 13:46

I take it his attitude to life (and you) hasn't just happened overnight? I am wondering what has happened as he was growing up......

I would suggest rather than PDA, to look at Conduct Disorder because it sounds like him to T given what you have said here:
www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/parentsandyoungpeople/parentscarers/behaviouralproblems.aspx

Your DS needs to know that you love him, that he is worthy of love, that you don't like some of his choices, but they don't define him. That what he is doing isn't safe, that as his parent it's your job to keep him safe so you will be accessing support to enable that.

To that end, I would still get him presents, maybe special label/brand clothing/trainers that he would value.

tiredgirly · 21/10/2018 13:46

A 13 year old smoking cannabis! What is the world coming to

you need to educate yourself.This is the typical age for starting it

tiredgirly · 21/10/2018 13:47

...and don't use a birthday to punish a child!!

OneStepMoreFun · 21/10/2018 13:47

I think you have to tread a fine line between being firm and appearing like you've given up or stopped caring. I'd give him a card that tells him you love him, bake his favourite cake and make his favourite food, or get a take away he likes, and tell him you've put some money aside for him in a savings account and that you'll add to it each Christmas and birthday so that when he grows out of the phase and decides he wants to do something with his life, he can use it well.

Original poster

LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 13:48

I think I agree with the people who suggest it isn't going to be a good idea to punish him on his birthday - I will buy him something like a JD voucher or a cinema tickets maybe.

Thanks for all the positive comments - they are appreciated!

OP posts:

Seniorcitizen1 · 21/10/2018 13:51

He’s coming up to 13 and a regular user if cannabis and you want to know about burthday present!! His bad behaviour is a function of the cannabis so you need to focus on that.

Original poster

LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 13:55

Senior - no that isn't the case, the behaviour was a problem before the cannabis.

OP posts:

House4 · 21/10/2018 13:56

I agree definitely give him presents to show him you love him. Hopefully he won't always be like this.
To encourage a bit of bonding can you ask him what he wants clothes/trainers and offer to take him to the shop of his choice but far away so his friends won't see him with you so he can chose what he wants and then have a nice meal together - whatever his favourite restaurant is. A good excuse to spend time together.
Can you tell I have a teenager who hates shopping asks doesn't want to be seen out with his mum by his friends!

House4 · 21/10/2018 13:58

@Seniorcitizen1 what a stupid comment . She is still his mum and he is still her son and it is his birthday.

Slitheringcorpsefeed · 21/10/2018 13:59

Agree with Caroloro that you need to build on your relationship - because without that you have no leverage - but of course that's hideously difficult when he won't engage.

Could you and his dad join forces and take him clay pigeon shooting, on a ferry somewhere, survival skills day in a forest; just to get him to look at things outside his own little bubble?

And I would be trying to move him away from that particular group of friends if humanly possible.

Good luck op; it all sounds incredibly tough on you.

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