Is EBF always worth it?

[Storm4star]

Not a TAAT, but I have just read yet another thread from a woman at her wits end of tiredness due to EBF. I have been here a few months now and it seems to be a common theme. I am honestly not trying to be goady or controversial. I know breast is best for baby but at the expense of everything else?? It’s great that more women are encouraged to breastfeed but have we gone too far the other way? Is it really worth sacrificing mums mental and physical health, her relationship, the amount of time she can spend with her other DCs just to breastfeed? AIBU to think fine yes let’s encourage breast feeding but to also encourage mums to do what’s best for the whole family, and to not feel a failure if they decide to switch to formula?

@speakout

Who said it was a medical issue?!

why on earth would you need to teach someone how to use a steriliser, doesnt it come with instructions?!

Have you seen how many questions pop up from new mums about how to prepare bottles, for how long they need to sterilise, whether or not a bottle is sterile after being exposed to air, etc, etc?

Bottle feeding advice changes all the time so people will take advice from their parents which isn’t current day best practice.

It’s not as simple as plugging it in and switching it on.

HTH

I think I’m answer to the ops original question, and the title of the thread , it’s clear from reading the posts that BF isn’t always worth it.

A few posters have said “I loved BF, I didn’t find it that hard, I have BF’d all my babies” etc etc. This is fine, but not really what the op was getting at (I don’t think?). Of course EBF is worth it under those circumstances!

But it’s not always worth it . If you have persistent issues that are compromising your physical and mental health, and are not improving with time and effort . And you do not have adequate support .... it’s probably not worth it ! But that’s up to each mum to decide.

So no , it’s not always worth it. But hopefully a lot of the time it is.

I wish i has given up a lot sooner and my baby and I were much, much healthier and happier when I did. But that’s me under my particular circumstances.

bertram I’m not even sure what I was hoping the thread would be.
But it makes me feel even worse reading tv responses for of things like everyone knows breast is best, it improves bond, I’m so much closer to my child cause I EBF, it gets easier just need to carry on.
It just makes me feel awful cause I know ideally breast feeding is best. And it also makes me feel like I’m not trying enough but then I don’t know what else to try.

I think it would be irresponsible of me to cut out all formula cause he would get dehydrated which is why I was doing not bottles all morning, which yes has gotten him off the shields but apart from that seems to have done nothing apart from make us both miserable.

Haven't read the full thread but my bf baby is a lot quicker to settle in the night than my ff baby. For me, a massive plus but bf baby wakes more frequently than FF baby (although I recognise every baby is different).

I'm in the difficulty now that I'm back at work and 9mo bf baby doesn't take a bottle so really struggles going to bed without bf (work evenings)

@beclev24 out of interest, why do you think the nhs recommends bf? Which are the benefits you say are “MASSIVELY overstated”, and what’s your evidence for that?

@harrietm87 the NHS follows WHO guidelines. These guidelines cover women around the world, which includes those both in developed and developing countries.

I ebf for 6 months and carried on bf till they were about 2 years old with no problems at all. I would go as far as to say I missed bf when I stopped. Never used formula, never saw the need. Two out of three slept well. All three were quite easy babies.

Have only read a few posts but those that are saying it’s not about ff v bf and that parenting is tough regardless - imo - yes parenting is tough but I feel bf truly makes it a lot harder (given there are no other concerns) because with ff, feeds are more evenly spaced, someone else can help this Mum can rest. I bf my first and am now bf my second. Ff is easier.

I found breast feeding easy. I was only 19 when I had my son and was neither here nor there about breast feeding. But I never had any issues, never any pain or anything. He was a fab baby but I still went back to work when he was 6 months old, my mum breastfed 6 children and even though my son wouldn't take a bottle, the alternative was being hungry and my mum said he won't have that for long, he took to bottle feeding immediately when there was no breast around.

On the other hand, some women absolutely hate it. Everyone has different experiences, if I didn't like it, even if it was going well I would have stopped. I never experienced stigma and truly truly believe it's a choice. Breast might be best for baby but a tired upset mum is not.

@bellajay and @FuschiaG - young babies are unpredictable doesn't matter how they are fed.

It also doesn't help that lots of people I know are the same generation as family members like cousins and siblings, so they aren't exposed to a few family members close to them having babies when they are older children so don't grow up with an idea of what is normal when it comes to babies e.g. nappy being changed then deciding to do another poo just before going out of the door. I actually laughed when one of my friends' in that situation said they would come to see me when my baby was 4 weeks as I would be in a routine by then.

I think the way it is currently - the sort of guilt culture - isn't working. If my mental health hadn't suffered a huge amount by not immediately being able to BF my DD and feeling crazy guilty in the middle of baby blues, then maybe it would have been 'easier'
to persevere through and re-establish exclusive BFing when my milk supply was better.

DD latched amazingly well, but would just fall asleep after a minute or two breastfeeding. I got told milk was coming in slower due to EMCS. We got admitted to paediatrics after over 10% of her weight was lost and had to do top-ups via cup feed. She didn't start gaining weight until she was exclusively bottle fed a full 4oz feed each feed.

I'm also not convinced we needed to do the top up, i'm not a medical professional but despite the weight loss she was healthy, blood test showed she wasn't dehydrated/no jaundice, she was a big baby - 10lb2 - and was born looking a bit bloated, then softened out - so was the initial weight loss really a bad sign, or just natural? and would it have worked out had we been left to it and just monitored, maybe she didn't need the food yet, so would have started feeding well in a few days.

At the moment, I do still feel guilt, but I also feel I made the right choice for both myself, my DD, and for my little family. We are thriving. (And the biggest thing I was worried about - the bond - has not been impacted).

Why isn't mixed feeding offered as a serious alternative? That is an actual question.
Sensible support on when to offer my baby a FF meant that I continued to bf until after weaning. Had I just been given advice to ebf I would have stopped after 3 weeks! I liked the convenience and cheapness of bf but I don't feel that the emotional bond is stronger the FF.

No - EBF for months
My DC are 8 and 10 and I see little difference with their peers ! You really wouldn’t know either way

I’m currently breastfeeding at the moment.

I found a lot of the ‘breast is best’ information a massive encouragement and kept me going, especially in the early weeks when it could be incredibly full on and sometimes lonely. I was tired from sleep deprivation and other emotional factors and I needed a good deal of support and encouragement in all aspects of looking after my baby.

My midwife visits post birth were not very friendly or helpful, I could tell my midwife was overworked and they were short of time and very rushed. I could definitely have used more proffessional support at that early stage, but I got it from the national breastfeeding helpline, the internet and friends and family.

I was always adamant I wanted to breastfeed as I very much believe in the benefits of it and it fitted better into my lifestyle. I’m proud of myself and I enjoy how I feed my baby.

I was lucky as breastfeeding came easy to me and my baby, but I can fully appreciate the big impact on those it doesn’t come as easy to.

The phrase 'breastfeeding relationship' or breastfeeding pair is important as a distinction...as it encompasses the fact that it takes two to feed successfully long term. So if it doesn't work out, the onus isn't all on the mother, sometimes babies don't get to grips with it either. And sometimes HCPs look at what the mother is doing without looking at the baby, and vice versa. It takes two.

I don't like the all or nothing way of looking at it. My DD had to be on formula for the first 24 hours as in NICU and had the odd bottle when I was too exhausted or in too much pain to continue. I was made to feel like I might as well not bother trying to BF if I wasn't going to do so exclusively.

DD1 took to breastfeeding like a duck to water, and I still found it incredibly hard from 0-5 months. The constant, constant feeding, lack of sleep, raw nipples. Argh, it was hell.

Having said that, after she began weaning onto food it was a breeze and I loved it. So easy, no faff with bottles.

But, for me, the benefits of breastfeeding are not obvious or significant enough to have a desire to do it again for a long time. I care more about my mental and physical health, and the impact of breastfeeding future children may have on my family as a whole.

Totally agree with the above. Why is it all or nothing?

My husband offered one bottle per day for the dream feed for months - uses EBM to begin with but moved onto formula eventually. Every single other feed was BF - but this one FF per day allowed me to continue breastfeeding much longer than I otherwise would have done and also gave me a much needed break. I don’t know why it’s not promoted more.

DC1 wasn't very easy to feed. Undx tongue tie, reflux, general air of discontent, repeated bouts of thrush for both of us, horrifically bad sleep (which may or may not have been any different on formula of course...). It was not easy. It was not properly pain free until nearly six months. Even after that, I had reasonably frequent bouts of nursing aversion. I suppose I pushed on partly through bloody-mindedness, partly because there was nobody else around to give him a bottle so I would have been swapping (familiar) ebf for (unfamiliar) faffing with bottles and powder and sterilising and trying to persuade a baby who LOVED the breast to take a bottle from me. And partly because I just hadn't expected it to be so hard, and I didn't quite believe it was.
However. At some point I started really liking it. I bf him til he self weaned at nearly four, and although I was ready I cried when he was done. Especially after I'd gone back to work, after I'd night weaned him at two and then cut right back til all we had was a quick bedtime feed and one in the morning - it all became quite easy. And rewarding! It was a big part of our relationship in those early years.

I'm sure lots of people looked at me struggling in that first year (and beyond) and felt sure it wasn't worth it. And of course I don't know what would've happened if I'd stopped when everything was hellish. But I am glad I didn't because it so WAS worth it, for me.

DC2 (7mths) is a different kettle of fish entirely. She's fed easily and pain free from the get-go. I don't find her twiddling even slightly infuriating. She's another crap sleeper and like my first, feeds farrrr more frequently than most people seem to report, but she's fat and I'm happy and so far everything is fine. I almost can't make sense of saying whether or not ebf was 'worth it' with her, because there's been no sacrifice or struggle that the benefits of ebf need to be 'worth'. Best for her, easiest for me, a convenient little hangout for her to quietly go while I focus on my older child (again, in the absence of someone else to bottle feed the baby, it's definitely been easiest being able to stick her on the breast while I get on with Lego or homework or board games or hairdressing or dinner or whatever else the eldest needs from me).

Something's toxic in the narrative around (e)bf though. Women who've chosen to ff for whatever reason shouldn't feel defensive or obliged to explain themselves. Women who want to (e)bf shouldn't find themselves giving up after a few weeks unless it's what suits them best after all. It shouldn't have to be this fraught.

I think so. I breastfed four dc and it wasn't easy.
It was incredibly important to me though and I imagine if it isn't, you might not feel it's worth persevering.

I don't think stopping bf makes having a small baby a walk in the park either.I think you're possibly blaming a lot of bf that is just bring a parent to a baby.

The thing I think would have been easier is being able to have a break. I had one dc who fed round the clock and would have loved to catch up on sleep. The sleep deprivation was torture. But there were solutions...Co sleeping really..that I didn't know about and used to great effect with subsequent children.

Yes, I EBF. It was extremely difficult the second time around - I needed 4 hospital visits, but it was something hugely important to me, and I am very glad I did it. It was magical.

Knock yourself out if you didn't do it the way I did, I don't give a shit how other women feed their babies.

Ladi it depends on your personality and situation. I didn’t have anyone who would have taken over to give me a rest, so for me it was sooo much easier to just get a boob out than to faff about making up a bottle with a screaming child in my ear.

I’m also pretty disorganised so again I found it much easier to take DS out and about without having to worry about packing a load of bottles and potentially running out if we stayed out longer than planned. I was bad enough at remembering to pack enough nappies!

DS wasn’t a perfect feeder (premature, low blood sugars, tongue tie that needed snipping twice). But for me it was worth the initial few weeks of inconvenience getting breastfeeding established (and it was hard!) for the next eighteen months of comparatively easy feeding and soothing.

@squiffy01 I could have written your post six months ago, my heart goes out to you and I just want to give you a big hug. It is so so difficult and I remember those days of sitting on the sofa all day feeding feeding feeding with no idea whether she was getting enough (she wasn’t, she kept losing weight). I used to look out the window and think wow, everyone’s else’s lives have carried on out there and here I am sat in my pants, with the hours rolling into each other. It is the hardest thing in the world. DDis my first so I have nothing to compare it too, but I can honestly say now that we are fully FF (I stopped at 6 weeks and expressed for a further 8 in some misguided mission to make myself feel less guilty, but completely ran myself into the ground mentally), I see zero difference in my relationship with her compared to my friends who EBF. She knows I’m her Mummy, she looks for me in social situations and always tracks me, and I’m the one she wants when she’s tired, sick, or just wants to play. I am the centre of her universe, and how I feed her has no bearing on that whatsoever.

Whatever decision you make, I just wanted to say you are not alone in your thoughts and the way you feel about it. As mothers we are all just doing our best in this crazy journey, and you are doing the best job you can possibly do. All our babies need is love, comfort and food, however it comes. And in order for us to provide that for them, our mental health has to also be a priority. Sorry for the ramble; just wanted you to know you’re not alone xxx

Thank you as well to you lovely PPs who commented following my post the other day - I’m so touched and you are all bloody marvellous xxx

I know friends that have found ebf relatively easy. But all those who have had a very difficult time. I do think if you are one of the mothers having a terrible time, than the touted benefit of promoting bonding, really does not apply.