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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is EBF always worth it?

230 replies

Storm4star · 20/10/2018 22:22

Not a TAAT, but I have just read yet another thread from a woman at her wits end of tiredness due to EBF. I have been here a few months now and it seems to be a common theme. I am honestly not trying to be goady or controversial. I know breast is best for baby but at the expense of everything else?? It’s great that more women are encouraged to breastfeed but have we gone too far the other way? Is it really worth sacrificing mums mental and physical health, her relationship, the amount of time she can spend with her other DCs just to breastfeed? AIBU to think fine yes let’s encourage breast feeding but to also encourage mums to do what’s best for the whole family, and to not feel a failure if they decide to switch to formula?

OP posts:
pointythings · 21/10/2018 15:23

Absolutely worth it - and FF does not guarantee that your baby will sleep through earlier or sleep for longer. EBF means no faffing with sterilising or mixing bottles, instant food and comfort on tap wherever you are. If it works for you, it's the best.

But if you have a high needs non-sleeping baby and a bottle of formula given by your partner helps you get some sleep when you're on your knees, that is a completely valid choice to make. I was lucky - two EBF babies, two great sleepers - but not everyone has that.

BertramKibbler · 21/10/2018 15:24

Easy to say when everything’s coming up roses hey?

speakout · 21/10/2018 16:08

BertramKibbler
Not sure what your point is.

I understand that breastfeeding does have challenges.
I have met thousands of women with problems.

bellajay · 21/10/2018 16:28

I’m breastfeeding my four week old first baby and hugely struggling at the moment due to baby’s erratic feeding demands, he feeds a lot and to no remotely predictable schedule, although midwifes and HVs all consider it pretty normal and his weight gain is good. I’m finding it incredibly draining and restrictive, eg in terms of getting out of the house for a specific time.

Before I had the baby I really believed I would do my best with breast feeding and if it got too much I would incorporate formula so my husband could help with night feeds. Here in the moment, incorporating formula feels like a huge failure. I don’t know why that is, no one is forcing me to keep going and I would tell any friend in my position that they should do whatever helps them be the best parent.

harrietm87 · 21/10/2018 16:59

@bellajay it starts to get MUCH better after 6 weeks. If you feel like you might regret stopping then why don’t you reassess in 2-3 weeks’ time. In the meantime 1 bottle of formula a day won’t affect your supply at this stage.

ItLooksABitOff · 21/10/2018 17:03

my 2 cents. I EBF for 3 years. the first year was the hardest. Having said that, I was never going to be a slave to EBF. I nightweaned DD at around 2 but continued feeding, along with solids, during the day. I found it very useful as a calming technique when she was older.

Gnomesofthegalaxy · 21/10/2018 17:04

Nope it's definitely not always worth it, not if it's to the detriment of the mothers mental or physical health.

I have had problems bf all of mine. I've come to the conclusion my boobs are not designed for feeding. They are huge, with massive areolas and tiny flat nipples. None of my DC have latched properly but I've persevered as best I could at the time, improving with each. Currently with youngest who's 15 weeks I'm pumping or occasionally feeding with a shield. It's very restrictive but I'm ok with it atm. If it seriously starts to affect me, I'll stop because at that point it won't be worth it. This is only time I haven't had PND, if I had I suspect that he would be on formula by now.

The support available has been terrible, practically nonexistent.

Shutupanddance1 · 21/10/2018 17:05

Currently EBF my second DD atm, she’s 4 months. To me it’s completely worth it, but I understand that for some women it isn’t possible.

Some people tend to think that babies run on schedules and maybe need to remember that babies don’t read parenting books, have no idea what night and day are and that not everything is related to their food source.

ItLooksABitOff · 21/10/2018 17:06

bellajay hang in there. the first weeks are absolutely the hardest. it gets easier and easier.

BertramKibbler · 21/10/2018 17:06

No one is going to say BFing isn’t worth it when they’ve had a straightforward time.

Many, many women don’t though and sometimes it’s just not worth it. Especially living in the UK where we can use clean water and top notch sterilising equipment.... just a shame the NHS won’t teach new mums how to use it!

ItLooksABitOff · 21/10/2018 17:08

Gnomes I also have huge norks and massive aerolas. Is the baby taking as much of the aerola as it can into it's mouth?

Jimdandy · 21/10/2018 17:10

This is why I prefer to take a holistic approach to BF. I can’t argue that technically and scientifically breast milk is best for baby, but you have to look at the bigger picture.

I bf my first for 3 days and it was the worst time of my entire life. I hated every single second of it and it was making my mental health and sanity bad.

I swapped to formula and then began enjoying my baby instantly and felt closer/bond as I didn’t resent “having” to breastfeed.

I think of I’d have been forced to carry on I would have become suicidal, leaving my child without a Mother at all.

Is that really what’s best for a child long term? I really do think you have to look at the bigger picture.

speakout · 21/10/2018 17:16

Jimdandy

The " bigger picture" is that we have lost breastfeeding skills as a society.

Thanks to formula.

beclev24 · 21/10/2018 17:16

Agree. I EBF DS1 and was utterly miserable- exhausted, tied down and in pain. Switched to ff- instantly much happier. Other 2 DC have combination fed and it’s been great.

The benefits of bf have been MASSIVELY exaggerated and really amount to very little.

Sashkin · 21/10/2018 17:19

If there are issues with BFing, I think it is up to the individual woman whether or not she wants to carry on. I did, and it gets so much easier once they are a bit bigger and have more head control so they can reposition themselves (so deffo better at 6 weeks than 1 week, and better again by 3 months).

If the issue isn’t just baby not sleeping or feeding too frequently... I’m not sure switching to FF will help. That is just your baby being a baby. Some babies sleep better than others, some get more colicky than others. Adding in a load of sterilising bottles and faffing with formula isn’t going to help (although I guess it does mean that you can hand over to other people and get a break).

Gnomesofthegalaxy · 21/10/2018 17:38

@itlooksabitoff He takes as much as he can but still loads visible. Think my biggest problem is not being able to see what I'm doing, and as the nipple is so flat can't feel where they are either so positioning is very hard

Shazafied · 21/10/2018 17:38

@speakout

*The " bigger picture" is that we have lost breastfeeding skills as a society.

Thanks to formula.*

And nhs cut backs, lack of support and people being given shite advice by midwives.

HazelBite · 21/10/2018 17:46

I was told by medical professionals to stop bf my twin sons.
I had sucessfully bf my older 2 Ds's, not feeling any guilt in giving them the odd bottle of formula if it suited me.
The twins weighed (at birth) 7lb 12oz and 8lb 4 oz and had the most voracious appetites, they wanted to feed continually, it felt like the very life blood was draining from me, and my nipples were grazed and bleeding.
I stopped to give my boobs time to recover then resumed but only had enough milk for one baby so alternated each baby with a formula feed.
At 12 weeks I gave up altogether.
I cant see any difference in the health of my 4 sons, and after all I did what suited me and my Dc's which is what mothers should be doing there should be no pressure either way.

Squiffy01 · 21/10/2018 18:17

I started reading this thread in the hopes it would make me feel better.. it didn’t work.
I’m currently struggling to feed my 6 week old. He has a tongue tie which was cut at 10 days but not soon enough for feeding to be absolute agony I was dreading him waking up those early days cause I knew I had to feed him and would be crying before he even attempted to latch on because i knew it would hurt so much.
Lactation consultant that did the tie gave me shields to use. Best thing ever! But along with not being able to suck properly he was and still is at 6 weeks a very sleepy baby and as he has not been draining the breast he has not been upping my supply like he should se we started formula top ups. Every time I try to just breast feed him he loses weight and he stops weeing enough.
I feel so guilty and awful at the thought of stopping yet hate the idea of formula and it messes with my head.
I’ve tried everything I think I can? We are finally of the shields and have spent the last week in bed skin to skin and feeding but by early afternoon he is soo tired from sucking literally all morning and getting so frustrated that he isn’t getting much at all and I’m in tears and hate myself a bottle is offered he necks it then falls asleep for an hour.
I have tried eating everything they say you should, all the natural supplements, feeding on depend for as long as they want, feeding every three hours earlier if they wake up, I express 8 times a day I can NEVER get more than 20mls out it is heart breaking. I’ve done the skin to skin and taken to my bead with no difference.

I hate it. In 6 weeks apart from appointments for baby I have left the house twice as I don’t want to miss an expressing session and feeding in public can’t be done discreet as I have to massage breast when he is in there to help encourage him to suck and massage all the blocked ducts.
I’m failing, my body that I already hated is failing and what makes it worse is it isn’t just one fail I am reminded 8 times a day how rubbish I am at this.

BertramKibbler · 21/10/2018 18:20

Squiffy! I wish I could give you a big hug. You aren’t failing, you’re being absolutely amazing.

My son had similar issues and I gave up several weeks earlier than you are at now. You’re doing a fantastic job for your son. What is it about the thread that’s not made you feel better?

FuchsiaG · 21/10/2018 18:22

@bellajay you have just described exactly how I am feeling with my3 week old. I’m exhausted and am not convinced his latch is correct, although he’s gaining weight well. I’m convinced he’s in pain from wind due to my fast flow leading to him gulping and gasping whilst feeding. I feel like breastfeeding was so heavily promoted by everyone whilst I was pregnant that I’ll be failing him if I stop. I hope this gets better as I’m at the point where I’m feeling constantly weepy.

speakout · 21/10/2018 18:22

Shazafied

Breastfeeding is not actually a medical issue.

It is a societal issue.

Elllicam · 21/10/2018 18:26

I didn’t have an easy time feeding. My first had a feeding strike, I had to express, I had thrush, I had mastitis, I had hideous bleeding nipples, I had full nights of no sleep at all (he cluster fed literally from early evening until late morning). My second was keen to feed but I got mastitis repeatedly, he also cluster fed, he didn’t sleep through until he was 3 Shock my third I had mastitis about every third week for months, I was still feeding number 2 as well and had crazy supply issues. It wasn’t easy but I still believe it was worth it. I read the literature and breastfeeding does have benefits.

GreenLantern53 · 21/10/2018 18:32

Many, many women don’t though and sometimes it’s just not worth it. Especially living in the UK where we can use clean water and top notch sterilising equipment.... just a shame the NHS won’t teach new mums how to use it!

why on earth would you need to teach someone how to use a steriliser, doesnt it come with instructions?!

Ohheyyy · 21/10/2018 18:38

For me, as I was very fortunate and had/have no issues breastfeeding I found my DS being ebf extremely convenient in the younger weeks and months. Fast forward to when he reached about 6 months though and from that point onwards breastfeeding him outside of the house can be a nightmare as he is so nosey and easily distracted. Because of this he is now mostly breastfed but in situations where he would be distracted he has a bottle of formula.

I do think and know that breast is best but so is having a happy mum and that means doing whatever feeding method the mum wants to do and which makes her life easier.

I've been there with awful nights sleep but even though my DS has a bottle of formula before bed he still wakes up at least once or twice in the night so, IMO, there is no correlation between bottle feeding and a better nights sleep. In fact, bottle feeding through the night with a regular waker could be a nightmare as you can't just get your boob out to feed.