Is EBF always worth it?

[Storm4star]

Not a TAAT, but I have just read yet another thread from a woman at her wits end of tiredness due to EBF. I have been here a few months now and it seems to be a common theme. I am honestly not trying to be goady or controversial. I know breast is best for baby but at the expense of everything else?? It’s great that more women are encouraged to breastfeed but have we gone too far the other way? Is it really worth sacrificing mums mental and physical health, her relationship, the amount of time she can spend with her other DCs just to breastfeed? AIBU to think fine yes let’s encourage breast feeding but to also encourage mums to do what’s best for the whole family, and to not feel a failure if they decide to switch to formula?

It's been worth it for me so far, and I don't see how the tiredness that comes from having a baby would be magically removed by ff? I'm pretty sure all babies are prone to waking at night/being hard to settle etc no matter how you feed them.
Bf rates in the UK, like a PP said, are pretty much the lowest in Europe so I don't think women need any encouragement to stop breastfeeding.
I'm lucky in that I've had good support from a bf group and from family. I've had mastitis twice which wasn't fun but it didn't mean I wanted to stop bf. I think having babies is quite hard and that's the way it is? If I can benefit my kids in any way by feeding them myself then that's what I'll do.
I've got lots of friends who ff for various reasons and I think that's totally fine, they've done what's best for them.

i think it can work both ways though, ive had pressure to ff, never given in though. going by the statistics the majority of women do give up.

I also had no problems breast feeding and did it because the thought of getting up at night was too much.Much reach over to her cot,feed her and pop her back.
I was tired for a few months after but put it down to pregnancy any giving birth not the feeding.I didn't do it because I felt I must,or I would be a bad mum but because it what I was designed for.
So I think we need to relax a bit,do what feels right and be supportive whatever mums choose.

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. Breastfeeding was very hard for me (weird nipple placement, baby with a very short tongue that couldn't be fixed, traumatic c-section etc) but I'd been so brainwashed into bfing being the only option that I kept trying and trying even as I was going (genuinely) mad. Baby ended up in A&E dehydrated, I ended up suicidal and the whole thing was just awful. And still I persevered until my husband called my midwife because he was so worried about me - she came round and told me to stop and I sobbed and sobbed with relief. I have no doubt my PND wouldn't have been so bad if ffing had even been presented to me as an OPTION but it never was so I felt too ashamed and guilty to even consider it.

DD is now 9 months, 90th percentile for height and weight (as at birth), has never been ill, and we have a lovely, close bond. I would absolutely try and bf again if I have another child but I won't drive myself to the edge trying to carry on if it doesn't work out.

It's not worth sacrificing your mental health over of course not!

I was in agony and ended up combi feeding which gave me the break I needed in between breast feeds and managed to keep breastfeeding until almost 9 months which I would never ever have done if I had ebf.

Some breastmilk is obviously better than none.

EBF at the start was bloody awful. Endless cluster feeding, sleepless and emotional.
My baby was a cryer though, and cried if not feeding or sleeping, which she did very little of!
However, I type this as I rock my baby to sleep, at 7 months. NOW I see the benefits, I just stroll out the house with a nappy in a bag, not worrying about bottles etc etc, if she has a bad night, I just bring her into bed with me, she latches, she calms, we sleep.
It’s never been this magical bonding experience for me, more a means to an end, and proven the best thing for my baby. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but my god I’m proud of myself. My husband thinks I’m pretty amazing too!

So the answer coming through seems to be that there needs to be more support, that makes sense. Sadly with our NHS in its current state, that’s not going to happen. Honestly I just feel for these women when I see their posts about how much they are struggling.

I think it's like a lot of patenting options. There are pros and cons. Some fid it difficult and some don't.

Formula fed babies are more likely to have colic etc. Breastfed babies are more likely to have sleep issues as they comfort feed. Just two of many examples. This is NOT on an individual level but at a population level.

Personally I found breastfeeding hideous at first. Exhausting, painful, and a lot of mental pressure at being the only source of nutrition. But I am stubborn as hell and stuck with it and am very fortunate to live in an area with great support including home visits from breastfeeding experts etc. After about 16 weeks with both it became so easy, not having to worry about taking stuff out with us or sterilising or anything. Babies became bottle refusers which was frustrating. But I'm glad I stuck with it. Obviously I would never advise it if it was going to adversely affect a mothers mental health.

I think the real question here is why in the UK do we seem to have more issues with breastfeeding and find it more difficult than we do in other countries? Why do a much higher percentage of women give up as they feel they can't cope with it? From other threads it's both cultural and a lack of support and information that seems to set people up for failure.

So I think we need to relax a bit,do what feels right and be supportive whatever mums choose

This, 100%
Reading all this I do think that if women choose to breastfeed they should have the support to enable them to have the best chance of doing it successfully. Clearly there is a way to go in this country before we get there.

I agree- it's the implication that you must not have tried hard enough if you fail to bf that I found most difficult to get over. I tried and failed to feed four babies. But now I just feel fed is best. I tried my best and during it all each time I often just wanted permission from someone to stop the torture. Like pregnancy and labour/ delivery some women have an easier time and to have a baby is an easy decision. Same with feeding- the baby latches well from the beginning, has no other issues such as tongue tie, reflux etc and it actually is easier. For others, long labours, milk slow coming in, inverted nipples, repeated mastitis etc makes it difficult despite family support. Thankfully I am old enough to not beat myself up anymore but I do wonder at the pressure on younger women nowadays to do it exclusively.

I think it can really depend on what kind of baby you get! If you've got a good sleeper then it probably matters less how you feed them.

Yes, breastfeeding is a lot of responsibility just on the mum because she's the only one who can do it, but this doesn't mean she's the only one who can take care of the baby. There are many things a baby needs throughout the day - good support is crucial!

If a mum is exhausted, the answer is to ask "what can I do to help you to get more rest?", NOT to say "just give the baby a bottle".

I struggled but was determined and once mastered loved it. To me feeding your child was as amazing if not more so than making it as that took 2 people. Is so time consuming which took some adjusting to and setting my day around feed, feed, feed was a massive shock, but if you are prepared and able to put the world on hold for baby to have a full tum go for it

And to answer your question no one is really sure whether it's really worth it. There are some health benefits at a population level but you never really know how much difference it's going to make to your child at an individual level. If your kid has poor health it may have made a big difference. Your kid may be blessed with a great immune system and fantastic diet and upbringing and ebf wouldn't really matter. You also don't know before you start how easy you or the baby are going to find it. So the cost to the mother and benefit to the child are both variable. There is still a lot of research going on into the benefits. It's all very interesting (to me!) but raises as many questions as answers! Even after 30 months of breastfeeding I am amazed and freaked out by it in equal measure. Which is a bit sad as I wish I just thought of it as a normal everyday thing and shows how society has conditioned me to view it

I wanted to EBF for at least the first 6 months but had to stop after two weeks due to medication I was put on. DD became harder afterwards if anything and her sleep didn't improve at all until 7 months. So the 'benefits' I was told I'd get from FF (by my mom and MIL, neither like breastfeeding) were utter rubbish. She did have an allergy to cows milk though, which may have been the problem.

I think people should feed how they choose to, but I don't think it hurts to give breastfeeding or combination feeding a try, rather than just writing it off to begin with. My mom had always frowned upon breastfeeding so I assumed I would FF until I got talking to some older women at work and realised I only thought it was 'weird' because my mom said it was. I think a lot of people in my family and area are the same, they've grown up with FF being the norm and see BF as weird. More support may help women to breastfeed for longer, or to give it a go in the first place. I'd definitely try it again if I had another.

I think we're onto a generation of women giving birth who may have mums who formula fed, and are more likely to suggest a bottle to solve any issues. Almost like they think you're needlessly hand-laundering when washing machines exist. I know my mum did and my MIL and her sister both expressed surprised that I plan to breastfeed (all of them having had babies in the 80s).

I had a really hard time establishing breastfeeding with tongue-tied DD. It was relentless and painful. But it got easier and for me it was absolutely worth it. I was determined to breastfeed and knew from family and my own research that it is normal to find it very difficult at first and not necessarily the easy ride that is often advertised (although some are lucky and it is). When I was struggling I considered posting on here but didn’t, because I’d seen posts from other struggling mums full of responses of ‘just switch to formula’, ‘happy mum happy baby’. That just wouldn’t have been helpful to me at all. I didn’t want to stop, I just wanted practical advice and emotional support to get through the hard part.

Now, when I come across people struggling on here or in RL I try to give what it was that I remember I needed - reassurance that it gets easier, encouragement to continue, but always with the disclaimer that it is ok to stop or mix feed if that’s what you want or need to do. It is so frustrating to see women wanting to breastfeed so much and not been given the help that they need to do so because ‘formula isn’t poison’, ‘fed is best’. Both true of course, but not at all helpful to everyone who posts who is finding it hard.

For what it’s worth I think the perceived pressure to continue breastfeeding is often not actually there. If you tell the midwife or HV for example that you’re finding it tough they will usually give you suggestions to help, as they assume that by asking them that’s what you want. They only know you’re considering stopping if you actually say that, and friends of mine that have done just that have then all received advice on formula feeding. Same with posts on here. Say you’re finding it hard and those that have been there will offer advice to continue, assuming that’s what the OP is after. Say you are trying to decide whether or not to stop and you’ll get a mix of ‘it’s worh persevering’ and ‘switching was the best thing for me’. Say you’ve decided to stop, how do I switch and you’ll get lots of helpful advice on FF. none of those posters responding will be intending to pressure in either direction. The long posts full of tips and encouragement that I would have benefitted from would probably come across as putting the OP under pressure to continue to those who found it wasn’t for them and stopped, or those that choose to FF (hence I always add the ‘ok to stop’ disclaimer). I never ever felt pressure to continue from the midwives and HVs I dealt with. If anything I was paranoid about them pressuring me to quit as DD gained weight very slowly and had a crap latch due to the TT. It’s all about perception. Luckily I had a very sensible HV who reassured me that the growth charts aren’t everything and DD was clearly healthy.

YADNBU to say that women should not be made to feel a failure if they didn’t end up EBFing as planned (or indeed that they should not feel guilty or judged for choosing to FF from the start). No one should care how another feeds their baby as long as they are getting breast milk or formula and not coke or vodka. YABU however to assume that for those you see struggling who desperately want to feed that everyone saying ‘it’s fine to switch to formula’ is necessarily helpful or going to lessen the guilt they might feel if they stop. Also, in the nicest possible way, YABU if you FF without ever trying BF (massive apologies if I’ve misunderstood and you wanted to BF and struggled) to assume that for those that post here struggling with the very tough initial weeks of BF that it’s not ‘worth it’. There’s a difference between establishing BFing being absolutely knackering, stressful and often painful, and being detrimental to the mum’s MH, relationship and other kids. There are some women for whom switching to formula is absolutely the best thing to do but there are just as many for whom battling through it is also the right decision, even if they are mentally struggling, and their partner and house and amount of time with their other kids has to take a back seat for a few weeks.

But breast is best, people need to know that and should be encouraged to breastfeed. I have 2 kids 18 months apart, I stopped feeding the first for a couple of months and then the second arrived and I'm still feeding now (he's 16 months, a bottle refuser and still waking 3 times in the night to feed!). It has been hard work and it has effectively tied me to both children for nearly 3 years now, for me though it was totally worth it. My children have never been ill since they were born, I think we've had 1 runny nose since they were born and that was just the eldest. Whether it is breastfeeding or sheer luck that they are both very healthy and never ill I don't know, but that to me is worth far more than a bit more sleep and a few nights out without them.

Nope, and being treated like a fucking idiot by other mums trying to 'promote the benefits of breastfeeding' really pisses me off. I'm going to promote the benefits of formula feeding 1) the baby gets fed 2) you get some sleep 3) you don't grow resentful of your child every time they want some milk.

Breastfeeding is great too but seriously do whatever makes life bearable, ITS OK TO FORMULA FEED! It's also ok to breastfeed your child until they're ready to start secondary school if that's what both of you want.

What's not ok is trying to influence other mums to do things the way you think is suitable or try to 'educate' other mothers (boak! We don't want or need your education thanks)

I don't think it's particularly worth it, so I mostly bottle fed, a decision which I don't regret one bit.

It meant we could (and do) share nights, so that's 50% less effort to begin with, and I've got a happy, very healthy, thriving child, without ever worrying about whether she'd be getting enough etc.

I've enjoyed early motherhood in a way that most of my breastfeeding friends find odd. I found it an easy, beautiful, fun time. I wasn't tired, or in pain, or with sore nipples. But that meant it had benefits to my child too - additional bonding because I could enjoy feeds, and she could look into my eyes. Many of my friends were wincing with pain in the early days. More sleep meant I had the energy to be a better mum, more fun, more stimulating, more interactive.

Some people prefer breastfeeding, others bottle feeding. Both seem to produce happy, healthy babies. I think it should be a matter of personal preference, but it's not worth martyring yourself over it.

I also know babies who have ended up quite ill and very underweight, back in hospital etc because their mums wanted to ebf, but didn't have the milk supply. They perked up after eventually accepting top ups etc, but sometimes ebf really isn't in the interests of the baby.

'But breast is best, people need to know that'

Best for you. Not best for every family. Mothers matter too.

'It is so frustrating to see women wanting to breastfeed so much and not been given the help that they need to do so because ‘formula isn’t poison’, ‘fed is best’. Both true of course, but not at all helpful to everyone who posts who is finding it hard.'

All I got from bf groups was 'eat some oats' and 'skin to skin for a whole weekend in bed'  neither worked. 'Formula isn't poison' saved me from PND.

Bf for.me.was easier.jn the sense of not making bottles, sterilizing, night feeds could be popped in the boob. It was hard in the sense I couldn't share the responsibility and tbh I would introduce a bottle for dh do a feed.

I wasn’t able to EBF my DD due to her not ever latching properly - we struggled on for weeks without her ever regaining her birth weight and losing about 18%. I was so hellbent on EBF and it had never even occurred to me for a second that it might not work for us. It was incredibly difficult and was a primary factor I believe in developing PND. The NHS midwife said that ‘they couldn’t be honest about how hard it is because then even less people would do it.’ I also had another midwife tell me that before formula my baby probably wouldn’t have made it (fantastic at 5 days PP with a baby who wasn’t thriving!). And most unforgivable was the professional who said formula was poison. I think the antenatal education around feeding is rose tinted and quite frankly bullshit. Had I known more about the realities I don’t think it would have been so difficult for me to come to terms with. I remember very little of those early weeks. I truly take my hat off to those who do EBF as I would have so dearly loved to do it, and I will always feel a little bit of sadness.

Wow sorry for such a long post!!

I really don't get these comments that FF means you get more sleep. I have done both and I remember the crippling exhaustion from FF. I practised safe cosleeping (now approved by NICE) with my bf baby and wasn't even tired. They have done studies that show bf mother's get just as good sleep (see ISIS website). Now clearly this will not be the case if you are having problems with bf like tongue tie. But FF isn't an easy option, everyone should do what works for them and their family from an informed position. But slogans, simplistic pressure and lack of supportive advice don't allow that to happen.

Of course not. Mums physical and mental health is paramount to the health of the baby. A holistic view needs to be taken. Anyone who thinks otherwise has no idea of the difficulties a mentally ill mother faces