Is EBF always worth it?

[Storm4star]

Not a TAAT, but I have just read yet another thread from a woman at her wits end of tiredness due to EBF. I have been here a few months now and it seems to be a common theme. I am honestly not trying to be goady or controversial. I know breast is best for baby but at the expense of everything else?? It’s great that more women are encouraged to breastfeed but have we gone too far the other way? Is it really worth sacrificing mums mental and physical health, her relationship, the amount of time she can spend with her other DCs just to breastfeed? AIBU to think fine yes let’s encourage breast feeding but to also encourage mums to do what’s best for the whole family, and to not feel a failure if they decide to switch to formula?

I've certainly never felt any pressure to BF...quite the opposite. When I told the MW I hoped to bf with #1 she said it was good to try but to remember it was quite hard, not for everyone and to have a tub of formula on the cupboard just in case. 🤷

In the end, I've BF three children 'exclusively'...one to 18 months, one to 3 yrs and #3 still going at 1. There have been struggles...lip tie, thrush, mastitis, deep horrible cracks 🤦 but we got there.

For us it has been worth it, despite the pitfalls it has been way easier in many ways

I hate when women claim that breastfeeding has given them some magically bond with their child. People need to think before they type!

FWIW I FF my first (after struggling for months to BF) and hated myself for it, thought I’d lost this so called “magical bond” and my poor child would fall down with the thousands of horrible illnesses breast milk would’ve saved him from. I ended up with horrific PND.

My twins are BF and, guess what? I’m no more bonded to them, I don’t love them any more or less. They’ve still had the usual tummy bugs and colds.

When Bf works, as it did for me the second time, it’s a lot less faff. No prepping and cleaning bottles, no worries if I want to be out of the house longer than expected and don’t have a clean bottle but my goodness it wasn’t worth the guilt and the tears and depression I felt when it didn’t work out.

And in my experience craic, of lots of friends with babies, is that it isn't that hard to establish. But saying so on MN is unpopular with many who did struggle as it is seen as smug.

For me, it has just worked. Obviously this might not be the case for others, but it does mean that BF isn't universally hard.

I couldn't live with myself as a partner if I let my partner, the person I love, be shattered doing all the night feeds, just because I work. If you share, neither of you need to be exhausted.
Men can’t share bf though. It isn’t a choice, it’s biology.

My DH shared BFing as much as possible with the twins. He wakes at every feed and helps me get them into place even now (seems trickier when I’m sleepy) and he chats to me throughout to help me stay awake.

For those who had little to no pressure from MWs...how I wish I’d had those MWs with DS1!

When I told a MW I had been thinking of FF, she told me (this is a quote, it’s burned into my brain) “If you stop breastfeeding, I will be very disappointed in you” in a stern head teacher way. I’d only met her 10 minutes ago!

When I had DS2 I greeted the (different) MW at the door with my own stern head teachery “I’m FFing, it’s what I’ve chosen to do and that’s that” and she looked like a deer in headlights, poor bugger!

I struggled through some really hard bits and so so glad I did. So yes for our family it was worth it. My DH was incredibly supportive.

It tricky as breastfeeding is dose responsive for a whole host of health things for mum like reproductive cancers, heart health, diabetes. If a women meets her breastfeeding goals she’s less likely to get PND. Additionally some of the tired stuff won’t nessicarly get better if you stop.

Women need to be able to make the best choice for them but to make that choice they need actual proper support and information. From birth I was told I would t have enough milk for my son because of his size. I felt a lot of pressure to formula feed and also to early wean.

To the PP who ebf and said it clearly gives a better bond with the baby...do you have any evidence for this? What are you comparing since you ebf both? Have you read any studies on this?

I'm not sure comments like this are that helpful to the debate unless it's established scientific fact (for example like ebf babies get less ear infections in the first year of life or are less likely to be hospitalised with gastric illness). Ff babies still get cuddled as they're fed, still get 1 on 1 bonding time, still get to gaze into their mother's eyes etc so I don't see how this could be the case. Also other than when they are a couple of weeks old and don't do anything other than feed or sleep, there are a million ways to bind with a baby, feeding is just one

Our nct group leader who was a qualified breastfeeding support worker apparently, gave us a breastfeeding session. We picked up dolls and positioned them and talked about latch. Apparently if we had the right position everything else would be fine! No mention of cluster feeding, pain, tongue tie, thrush, blockages, mastitis etc that the majority of people seem to go through at least one of. I think it gave everyone a false idea of how easy they were going to find it. I guess it's a balance between that and scaring them off before they've started. Put of 8 of us determined to ebf only two managed and that was in an area with great support groups who did know what they were talking about

Sputnik Bear, its a choice if you ff. You said it would be the same however you fed. That is what I'm suggesting is wrong.

And tbh, many of my breastfeeding friends express a bottle a day so their partner can do the first or last feed.

AmIRightOrAMeringue

That's the thing.

I am a qualified breastfeeding counsellor with 18 years experience.

It's about women making an informed choice.

Painting a picture of breastfeeding as being all rosy is as bad as telling women of all the pitfalls.

If we focus on the negative aspect of breastfeeding it can be a self fulfilling prophecy.
Entering into a breastfeeding relationship while feeling anxious and convinced that it will be awful will lead to stress.
Stress can make breastfeeding difficult.

Also if women assume that breastfeeding should be and will be painful then they may try to struggle through when in fact they should be getting help.

Early intervention is key to breastfeeding support.

If a slight adjustment is done at an early stage, it may be simply a slight change in arm or feet position, an extra cushion.

Leave that issue and some weeks down the line it may present as cracked bleeding nipples, mastitis etc.

We need more breastfeeding support at a societal not a medical level.

Entering into a breastfeeding relationship

Yes I agree too much the other way. There is a lot of pressure. In NHS antenatal classes I was shown to breasteed and nothing else. It wasn't shown how to bottle feed steralise. My friend wanted to EBF and did not give up. She had mastitis and had to have surgery. Sometimes it's not worth it. If it's easy then fine. There is nothing wrong with formula! But there is stigma. There's stigma re breastfeeding too though. But for me I felt pressure to breastfeed from nhs and pressure to give bottle from in laws. People should just shut up and let mam and dad speak first. Then if they ask for advice, give it. But give information. All the information.

I haven't found BFing particularly hard. We started combi feeding (BF morning and afternoon, bottle before bed) at around 8 months and I found that much harder! The whole sterilising, boiling water and doing formula etc then cooling the bottle, such an effort!

I've had a nice BF experience and would probably do it with my next.

My point was, if you ebf you have to do ALL the nights. You don’t get to have a full nights sleep ever. Some people switch to ff so their DH can take a turn and they can rest. But my DH wouldn’t take a turn because he has to get up for work. So regardless of whether I ebf or ff, I still have to do ALL the nights.

Breastfeeding is one of the few things about having babies that I have found very easy. No it's not worth it if it affects your physical and mental health but I have found these have been equally affected in friends and family who have formula fed and breastfed. Having babies is hard work.

I had to do all the feeds as i was a lone parent. i think people forget that not everyone is the same as them so would be doing all the feeds anyway regardless of bf or ff

Ffs the vast vast majority of people in this country don’t ebf. Sometimes I think these threads are sponsored by formula companies which would
presumably love for there to be loads of chat about how tough bf is, and how there’s sooooo much pressure to bf it’ll ruin your mental health. No one can make you breastfeed. If you don’t want to, don’t. Most people in this country don’t do it, so you’d hardly be in a minority. It was important to me to bf if I could and I have put up with some of the hard things (sore nipples at the start, doing all night feeds) because I believe it’s worth it. If it was risking my mental health though I would have stopped. Women can choose how they want to feed their babies and they should take responsibility for that choice. The exception is where a woman wants to bf, needs to be supported to do so, and doesn’t get the right support. In that case stopping bf isn’t a real choice and that shouldn’t happen.

I’m with you on this op. I know ebf has benefits for the baby but in my opinion the best thing for the baby is having a happy and mentally healthy mum. I tried to bf but after a complicated delivery I couldn’t manage it. I spend a month desperately trying to and pumping 6-8 times a day. It sent me to a really bad place mentally and I wasn’t bonding with or enjoying my baby. The day I ‘gave up’ it was like a weight was off my shoulders. My son benefitted much more from being on formula and having me in a good place than he would have done had we continued the way we were. I think bf is great if its working well but I have seen many women trying and trying at the expense of their mental, physical health and their relationships. I just don’t think it’s worth it but there can be a lot of guilt and pressure on that makes you feel like you have to continue even when you know you shouldn’t. My health visitor told me I had let my baby down when she heard he wasn’t being ebf at 10 days old.

Sputnik Bear, my point is that many men work and still share night feeds.

For some reason we expect women to be able to return to work whilst the baby still wakes for milk, so do waking and work, but somehow excuse men on the same basis.

You would do all the feeds if ff because you and your husband choose it that way, not because he works.

I never thought my mental or physical health was sacrificed by BF. It was important to be to do it because of the health benefits to both mother and baby.

It might have adversely affected my mental health if I had FF because I know my DP would not have helped with that, even though he obviously could have done. He always regarded babycare as my job. GRRR!

I very much agree harrietm87.

The problem is that one persons experience is not the same as someone else’s.
Just saying ‘I think it was really easy’ doesn’t stop it being incredibly difficult for someone else.
My friend was asked to be a BF counsellor because she had BF 4 children easily. She refused on that basis. She said she had nothing to share and her boobs were basically ‘taps of milk’.

I was having huge issues with BF and actually got to the point me and DD were becoming very unwell. I was told by numerous experts to persevere and it would all go well.
However when I finally dragged myself to the GP it was a medical issue and no amount of perseverance would improve things.

I cried and cried about giving up which when I look back seems silly.

I think there is a lot of pressure on new mums to get out etc and sometimes the best place to be is in bed with newborn for a while doing nothing else.

I'll only ever do it again for the weight loss benefits tbh. I'm a 'breeder of giants' my son is huge - so there is no way I could physically manage past 6 months.

Plus he got his first two teeth at 3m old and was too young to learn not to bite 🤷🏼‍♀️ was a little sad but happy when I'd stopped.