Is EBF always worth it?

[Storm4star]

Not a TAAT, but I have just read yet another thread from a woman at her wits end of tiredness due to EBF. I have been here a few months now and it seems to be a common theme. I am honestly not trying to be goady or controversial. I know breast is best for baby but at the expense of everything else?? It’s great that more women are encouraged to breastfeed but have we gone too far the other way? Is it really worth sacrificing mums mental and physical health, her relationship, the amount of time she can spend with her other DCs just to breastfeed? AIBU to think fine yes let’s encourage breast feeding but to also encourage mums to do what’s best for the whole family, and to not feel a failure if they decide to switch to formula?

I've ebf 3 babies until 5.5 months. And then continued until a year with first 2. The first one and third one I had problems with sore nipples and thrush (latch problems I think). The second I didn't.. or don't remember and I don't remember finding it hard with a toddler, the first and the third were 2 yrs apart. I'm currently still feeding dd2 who is 6 mths. With the 2 I had problems with.. it did cross my mind to give up, but for me personally, I knew I'd feel guilty if I did. And in a way, so glad I didn't as getting over the first few tough months, it was so much easier. I had that in my mind the third time. I also didn't want to waste money on ff. So for me, despite the pain, my mental health would've been worse if I stopped. Not knocking anyone who can't put up with it, you do what you thinks best. Also.. I wouldn't get much 'help' from anyone so in the long run ff would be more hassle. Also.. I am proud that it's one thing I've managed to do being a parent. I might not be good at much but I gave them that 😊. I do think it's helped their health too.

*1st and 2nd were two years apart

And that’s why I said ‘not helpful to everyone’ Devillanelle, not ‘not helpful to anyone’. I used formula when I went back to work. I’m so pleased that you were saved from PND. FF was clearly the best thing for you and I’m glad you were able to make that choice. I was well on my way to it with worry that because of DD’s tongue tie and my EMCS that I was going to be unable to BF, as that was what I desperately wanted to do. Not because of any external pressure (none of my friends have and I’m in an area where it’s unusual) but because I knew myself and that once established it was the best option for me. Advice to eat more oats and a week in bed would have made fuck all difference to my issues as well. However, ‘it’s shit but it gets easier so it’s worth keeping going if it’s what you want to do’ was the line that saved me in my circumstances. Probably wouldn’t have helped you, just like your saviour of ‘formula isn’t poison’ was meaningless to me. I’m not for one minute suggesting that we shouldn’t be giving that message to mums (surely we are all pretty clear on that being the case anyway?!), just saying that it doesn’t help everyone who asks for advice

That sounds so bloody hard aeyzsm. Trying so hard and seeing your baby not thriving must be incredibly painful. I'm sorry that sadness is still with you 

I have to feed my baby. DH works and we can’t afford babysitters so feeding will always be my job regardless of how I choose to feed. The choice is either to get up in the middle of the night and piss about in the cold prepping formula, or roll over in bed and shove a boob in the baby’s mouth. The latter is much easier. I don’t particularly like bf - it’s painful and I’m sick of it - but it’s less hassle than formula.

I found bf very difficult but I felt great pressure (from myself and myself only!!) to continue. I kept worrying I would stop and they would get sick. So silly! It was awful for the first 14 weeks or so. I hoe stay think as well it scuppered any chance of a sleep routine. Don't know how I made it through tbh. Not had a full nights sleep in about 4yeats!

@aeyzsm I had a very similar experience.  for you. It's tough. Threads like this (no offence to you OP, it happens with any BF/FF thread) always make me feel that horrible sense of failure and shame all over again.

peachgreen and aeyzsm your experiences sound horrendous and are perfect examples of when BFing absolutely isn’t worth it. I was so lucky (because at the end of the day that’s mostly what it comes down to, luck of the draw) that the problems I had could be overcome. DD could latch well enough to get what she needed and her TT was obvious from birth (no being in limbo waiting for a diagnosis) and fixable. I’m very much in the ‘oh it gets easier and it’s worth persevering camp’ where appropriate but there are situations where that just doesn’t apply. It sounds like the two of you really had no choice in the matter and no amount of persevering would have helped you or your DCs. So sorry that these threads make you feel shame and guilt. I know it’ll take more than a random on MN reassuring you, but you really have nothing to feel guilt or shame for. You tried what you thought was best initially and when it didn’t work for your DCs you did something else that you now know was best for them, ensuring they thrived. You should feel pride for that IMO.

For me, trying to EBF was not worth it. The beginnings of PND combined with the stress of being the only one who could feed DS1 and the fact it hurt made me hate him. If I hadn’t switched to FF and got some breathing space, I’m not sure I’d ever have bonded.

With DS2 I started to FF as soon as I left hospital and I plan to do the same with DS3 once he is born. The thought of trying to persevere with BFing just fills me with anxiety.

Thank you @KTCluck, you're very kind. I hope I can manage next time (if there is a next time) but I know I did my very best for DD and I'm proud of myself for beating severe PND regardless.

I breastfed exclusively and continued to feed DD until she was 21 months old, I only stopped as I was on my knees with sleep deprivation and DP insisted stopping would improve her sleep. To be honest, five months on I'm pretty upset that I stopped as the sleep has not improved that much and bf was such a cure all for all baby/toddler related ills as well as being the most beautiful bond with DD. To be honest, bf can be physically hard at the beginning, but what makes it much harder and exhausting imo is that the mother often doesn't get enough support to rest and have time to themselves while breastfeeding. That has been the factor that has made it hard for almost everyone I know, husbands/partners who take a back seat and leave the woman to it alone because they can't help with feeding. I could have carried on breastfeeding if I had had more support from DP, and I'm very resentful that I spent the first years of DDs life so tired I could barely formulate a sentence because it didn't occur to him that I needed a break every day for more than the time it took to have a bath.

It's not always hard. I'm still breastfeeding my second, who is 10 months, and it's loads easier and less work than bottlefeeding.

No of course not, if you are finding it hard then we are so lucky to live in a country with safe drinking water and easily accessible formula.

I think its harder when it's really important to the mum but she's struggling and you don't know if she wants support to get through a difficult patch or 'permission' to stop.

And of course there are women who overall find it easy (like me, still bfeeeding at 2.5) and if they have a little moan its not actually that 'bad' its just general everyday parent moaning like with a tantrummy/not sleeping well patch.

Totally individual choice. I’ve obviously been very lucky (did have a major battle to establish feeding 1st time so haven’t been completely trouble free) but from my experience I can’t imagine that formula feeding would ever be easier or better for me, Id be a complete nightmare with sterilising/remembering to take all the stuff out with me. So yes those first few weeks are totally worth it and I do really enjoy breastfeeding and the calm quiet moments with just me and my baby giving him everything he needs. The thing I find sad and it’s a totally separate issue is that most women are making the choice to ebf or mix feed if poss but clearly aren’t supported to do so, leading to feelings of failure and resentment so often. I do think our society and marketing of formula milks completely undermines breastfeeding in the U.K. though. For instance I recently ordered a tube of nipple cream as I was having latch issues, and Boots send me a bloody TT bottle as a feeebie ‘gift’ in the package. Totally cynical marketing that they should be ashamed of.

The hop.... yup. I’m going with WHO too.

It is very hard at the start and exhausting to be the one with all the feeding responsibilities....but I had the babies and they need me to give them the best start, which I’m doing. It’s a very special thing between a mother and child and I’ll never get this time back so am making the most of it. I personally believe I have an extremely strong bond because of ebf. It’s a closeness that can’t be replicated with bottles. I know I’ll probab be flamed for it but it’s true.

I ebf my daughter despite not being able to feed her directly myself, due to her being born with facial deformaties and was unable to suck.

I pumped for 8 months and refused to give we her formula. It was a silly thing to do and really pushed me to the edge, but I felt such pressure (from who?? Just myself).

As soon as I added formula in, life was so much more relaxed and I wish I had at least mixed fed the whole time.

I think if ebf is straight forward and easy to do then that's great, but if you're making yourself ill over doing it, it's silly. Formula is not an awful alternative, and no one should judge anyone else as they don't know your circumstances.

Breastfeeding and love it but I think I've been lucky as I've had no pain, plenty of milk etc. So depends on the individual

I found BF a real struggle, my first child was ebf for about 6 weeks and I was really struggling, mw and hv both eerrr'd in the side I'd supporting me
To BF and keep giving it s go so continued. Thankfully the third person I spoke to could really see I was struggling and said my baby was fine I could continue it I wanted, but also to buy ff would be ok too and not be too hard on myself, perhaps buy some for the cupboard, which I did. It hasn't tried it.

My change to combi feeding came one day when I had an appointment, I'd been BF for two straight hours and my MIL had come over to support me by coming to the course I'd booked on that mornjvg. I was in bits because my child was constantly feeding. My MIL who was a retired doctor/psychiatrist just said to me 'flumpers, why don't you just see if DD needs extra' it was all I needed really for somebody to 'release' me - DD literally drained 4oz and then another 6 oz. she was satisfied and my MIL took her whilst I had my course (she was there too with DD)

It was the first day of the rest of my life! I just realised it was ok to combi feed .... that lasted another couple of months before I gave up on bf.

Did the same, but sooner with DS when he was born too. Ebf, combi then ff

I found out after all that I had a condition called DMER - it explained a lot as the waves of intense (not strong enough a word really) emotions that literally engulfed me after and during bf were just awful. I found it hard anyway as my breasts were sore and nipples cracked to the point of having pink milk ... dreadful time!!

It can be the easier option.

I EBF my children. never used formula.

No faffing, no bottles, no sterilising, no getting out of bed in the middle of the night, days out were easier, only nappies to take, went abroad with my baby, easy peasy, fed on the plane, no worries about trying to find formula/suitable water/sterilising faff.

Breastfeeding can be a LOT easier than formula feeding.

I may be in a minority here but I felt more pressure to formula feed (no-one in mine and Dhs family bf other than SIL, and are all under the impression bf is somehow weird and pointless), and we moved to an area when DS was 3 months where BF rates are very very low. My new HV was very surprised that as a young mum (her words) I was BF.
I was lucky in that I found BF easy, once I knew that cluster feeding was a thing (not mentioned even once at antenatal classes) as that was a bit of a shock to the system and that BF babies can get colic (again antenatal class assured us this wouldn’t be an issue!) so from my experience better information being given my midwives would have been helpful, and if my friends and family were more supportive. DH was great support and really did as much as he could after work in those early days of cluster feeding, and still does to be fair.

Breastfeeding rates are incredibly low in the U.K. so no we definitely haven't gone too far the other way.

Support for breastfeeding mums can be terrible though and is so variable. I really didn't get any pressure from midwives to breastfeed (they suggested getting some formula in just in case when I was struggling in fact). I was so well supported though - they referred me to a breastfeeding clinic that I attended every week until I felt ready to stop going, and they sent someone out to see me every day for the first week I was home just to see how feeding was going and offer support. Without all that support there's no way I would have been able to carry on breastfeeding, but as it is I ebf to 10.5 months and combi fed to a year.

However, two of my neighbours had babies this year, both planned to breastfeed but received piss poor support and neither of them were able to continue with it.

It's absolutely each mother's choice how they feed their baby, but it frustrates me when you hear so many women say 'I wanted to breastfeed but I wasn't producing enough milk' etc when you think of they'd just had good support and information they probably would have been able to.

I suspect many new mums don't realise going in how hard ebf is at the outset- it's simply not discussed. It's only from being on MN for years that I have any modicum of how difficult it is to establish for all but the very, very fortunate. The message we get that "it's natural" (ergo I/my body is failing if I can't) and lack of professionals admitting it can be extremely difficult at the outset only damages women's mental health an an already challenging time.

That, combined with the experiences of those I know irl, has led to my decision to give it a go but not break my heart over it if it doesn't work out.

TheCraicDealer

But for many breastfeeding is very easy.

Telling women that breastfeeding will always be difficult is setting them up to fail, and simply not true.

I have to feed my baby. DH works and we can’t afford babysitters so feeding will always be my job regardless of how I choose to feed.

Thank goodness women only have to return to work when babies sleep through then gulp
It's a if it's expected that women can just get on with it, go to work etc, even with very little sleep, but we can't disturb the men's sleep...

I couldn't live with myself as a partner if I let my partner, the person I love, be shattered doing all the night feeds, just because I work. If you share, neither of you need to be exhausted. Both are fit for work, childrearing, not a danger in the roads etc.

When we were off together, we shared. When I was back (p/t), and dh was at home with baby we shared. Now he's back f/t and me still p/t, we share.

I’ve found this thread really helpful, thank you! My first baby is due next year and while I do intend to give breastfeeding a go, I’m determined not to feel pressure if it proves too much. I want to enjoy my baby and if this means combi/FF then so be it. My friend EBF but it was to the detriment of her mental health, her bond with her baby and her relationship with her husband. I’m determined that won’t be happening to me.