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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be saddened by some posters on here

150 replies

looneymoons · 20/10/2018 21:01

I'm hoping these posters are just the minority on here and in real life, but it really saddens me to read incredibly nasty posts on some threads. Threads where the OP is only giving us a snippet of their lives and where they're looking for a bit of advice on here.

In real live would these people actually behave like this to someone in their hour of need?

Do people not think that the OP may be depressed and that nasty comments could be something that pushes them over the edge? Do they even care?

Please give me some faith in humanity and tell me that these posters are, thankfully, a rarity.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/10/2018 08:31

it's an example of the absolute hammering a person can get over something small and not serious

Not offering your kids food is not a small thing and it upsets people. It's the fact that you can't see that is what made people think you had food issues.

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 21/10/2018 08:33

I would actually be hugely hugely surprised if there weren’t Russian trolls on mumsnet.

GunpowderGelatine · 21/10/2018 08:33

Oh dear with the making up again. I don't not offer my children food. Read the thread.

GunpowderGelatine · 21/10/2018 08:34

And I don't buy for a second that any form of parenting other people do on MN "upsets people", unless it is abusive, that's an excuse for sticking the knife in.

Willow2017 · 21/10/2018 10:21

instead of whinging about how shit it is, has it not occured to any of you to join said threads and stick up for people?

Oh jeez i never thought of that!!

I have and will continue to do so but as i said earlier i stuck up for a poster against an onslaught of utterly vile posters recently and my post was deleted!
Go figure.

LavendarGreen · 21/10/2018 10:23

Congratulations to several posters on here. You have illustrated beautifully what the OP was on about.

I am talking about the attack on @GunpowderGelatine who said she sometimes gives her kids a bit of fruit for breakfast, and a little snack for lunch when they're not bothered about eating much, and then gives them a full meal for dinner in the late afternoon/early evening.

It's a myth that we need 3 cooked meals a day, and if people buy into that, no wonder we have an obesity crisis. I have a yogurt and cereal bar for breakfast, a bowl of soup and crusty wholemeal bap for lunch, (or a quarter of a quiche, or an omelette,) and then a bigger (cooked) meal around 6pm. (Then maybe a couple of crackers with soft cheese spread on them at suppertime.)

On a Friday, I treat myself to fish and chips, or a pizza, and have a Chinese or Indian takeaway once a month. But I have never had 3 full cooked meals a day, (only the one in the evening,) and I often have only a couple of small snacks during the day. When my kids were young, they ate pretty much the same when they were at home. Le gasp! Call social services NOW.

I am middle aged, with grown children, and I've been eating like this for many years... Weirdly, I am not dead, nor underweight, in fact I am quite healthy, I walk 2 miles a day, every day, and I cycle 4-5 miles three times a week.

There's no reason to have 3 big cooked meals a day; most people don't need that.

In the school hols, when I was a kid, (late 1970's/early 80's,)I would have 2 slices of toast at 8am ish, then go off out for the day playing with my friends. I would grab a kitkat and a bag of cheese and onion crisps during the day (from the shop,) and would have my evening meal at 6 or 7pm. Very little healthy eating' and no 3 cooked meals a day - ever.

In addition, in the school holidays, when my kids were younger and living at home, they would sometimes have one weetabix for breakfast, and then we would go off out and have a mcdonalds at around 1.30pm (chicken nugget happy meal,) and then dinner/tea at around 6.30pm. What a terrible mother I am, and what a terrible mother MINE was.

FGS! Hmm

gunpowdergelatine

And I don't buy for a second that any form of parenting other people do on MN "upsets people", unless it is abusive, that's an excuse for sticking the knife in.

This 100%. The faux outrage on here when someone says they do something a certain way/do parenting a certain way, makes me laugh! They cried all night thinking about it, they were so enraged, they wished they knew who you were so they could call social services, and the old classic 'WOW, just WOW..........'

Pay no attention to them. Must be hard for them trying to soooooooooooo perfect all the time, and trying not to let that mask slip.

Juells · 21/10/2018 10:25

i stuck up for a poster against an onslaught of utterly vile posters recently and my post was deleted!

that can happen if you've quoted a post that's been subsequently deleted.

Moussemoose · 21/10/2018 10:33

@ChilliHobnobs I just want to say on this thread - best wishes while you get through this difficult time. It will pass.Thanks

And please can no one pile in and call me a bitch!Grin

BananaBonanza · 21/10/2018 10:34

AIBU is AIBU

I've been here for years I haven't noticed it any different than it ever has been.

If I want genuine advice I'll post in SN children, chat or relationships. If I expect and dont mind a bit of a bun fight I'll post in AIBU. That in itself can be cathartic and valuable.

LikeIcare · 21/10/2018 10:44

I think one of the first threads I read on here 8 years ago was about how unpleasant people are to OPs. It's nothing new and doesn't seem to be worse now than ever. The 'it must be men being horrible or disagreeing with OPs' is an old MN trope too.

It's a chat forum not a statutory advice organisation.

If you don't want some people to tell you to get a grip because you're devastated by someone not inviting you to a kids party or whatever, don't post.

Djnoun · 21/10/2018 10:52

I've been on MN a long old time and it's always been like this. I really feel for the newer posters who aren't expecting the kicking.

And it's often done in a very clever way. Not just insults, but manipulative derisory comments in the guise of trying to help.

I never post anything asking for advice on matters I'm sensitive about.

GunpowderGelatine · 21/10/2018 10:54

Thank you @LavendarGreen I totally agree, if we reset the world no one would stand up and say "everyone must have 3 square meals a day without fail". As a child I sat down for 3 meals a day and ate only a few mouthfuls, luckily my mum wasn't the pushy "no leaving the table until you eat it all" type, she just let me eat what I could manage. - reading the copious amounts I'm supposed to feed by bird-like children gives me no surprise that there is an obesity crisis.

GunpowderGelatine · 21/10/2018 10:56

And I also don't get this whole "that's what happens on AIBU". If you're a new poster, it's reasonable to expect people behave on here the same way they d IRL, but maybe a bit more cutting due to the privilege on anonymity. I don't think they expect such a massive kicking or trivial things, and nor do they deserve it.

2000lightyearsaway · 21/10/2018 11:07

I see a lot of stuff being posted that is very unkind and often a bit of a mob mentality. Both OP’s and other posters just get jumped on. Many many times I type out a whole thoughtful response to a thread and delete it just in case I say something wrong. I only comment threads that are perfectly clearly and without a doubt light hearted.

ILovePierceBrosnan · 21/10/2018 11:09

On all social media platforms open to strangers (as in people who do not meet up) I have noticed an increase in ‘fight club’ type mentality.

Several local FB groups are dwindling from thriving community groups sharing local events, discussing local issues because every post was met with either very negative/misogynistic/troll/nasty/uncharitable/disablist and totally lacking in empathy posts.

I don’t think this represents that humanity is changing but I do think normal human life isn’t reflected because it’s happening offline.

BananaBonanza · 21/10/2018 11:09

I'd expect a new poster to take a look round first before posting.

Generally if something is in the wrong place it gets spotted quite quickly and suggested that the OP report their own post and move it.

I've had fantastic advice on Mumsnet

Karrwomannghia · 21/10/2018 11:10

Yes I’ve been on here years and years and posted in relationships the other day for the first time for support. My dh had been awful to me and I got a load of abuse for not preventing things which were beyond my control which made me feel even worse. I still think about what was said and will never post there again. I don’t see Mumsnet in the same way anymore.

LavendarGreen · 21/10/2018 11:13

You're welcome @GunpowderGelatine Smile

In reality, most people have days when they eat very little, days when they eat a couple of medium sized meals, days when they eat just 'super healthy,' and days when they graze on crap all day. But the upshot is most people don't have 3 cooked 'square meals' a day...

In addition, most people also spent the 6 weeks of the summer holidays in their childhood living on a bag of crisps and a kitkat during the day, and sausage and mash (or liver and onions and mash,) and a sponge pudding with custard for dinner/tea.

And for many people, their kids eat in a similar manner! As I said, very little of the supposed '3 cooked meals a day.'

And yeah, it IS no wonder so many kids are fat if people are giving them a cooked meal three times a day!

A580Hojas · 21/10/2018 12:42

But you are taking a very long winded way to post two descriptions of 3 meals per day LavendarGreen Confused.

I eat 2 meals a day and have done since I was about 10 when I decided breakfast wasn't for me. But as a parent I've certainly made sure food was available for my children 3 times per day at roughly even intervals and none of those 3 times would be purely snacks or junk. I think that's what most people aspire to.

But, this is rather thread derailing anyway. So I'll stop there.

RLOU30 · 21/10/2018 12:51

Leaving HTH on the end of your post does not make what you said gospel Lethal.

VerbeenaBeeks · 21/10/2018 12:53

Not read all the thread, but I'm with you, OP.
Just in fact on another thread said it's nasty on here lately. It never used to be so bad.
I think people forget that there are real people behind the names, either that or they're dead inside or too bitter and twisted with their own issues to see. Sad

paffuto · 21/10/2018 13:20

Maybe they have really bad homelives and vent their anger on MN?

VerbeenaBeeks · 21/10/2018 13:29

Maybe they have really bad homelives and vent their anger on MN?

Maybe Sad Never got that mentality at all though - you (general you) feel like crap or have a bad homelife so you want to make people feel crappy too?
I'm the opposite - if things are going badly for me I want to spread kindness and niceness because I know how it feels to feel crap.
Maybe I'm just too fluffy and nice for this place, need to learn how to tell people to go bollocks or that they're pathetic more Grin
Which would achieve nothing and make me a knobber though lol.

KittyKat885 · 21/10/2018 13:47

100% agree. I deleted my old account/lost the password years ago.
Recently I came back to mumsnet for some advice and wow, what a negivative place it's become.

Also, I saw a post, can't remember which site it was. But it said something like "I'm looking forward to breast feeding my baby, can you all help by posting pics of you breast feeding your babies" And people DID!
It was so clearly a creepy man pretending to be a woman to get breast feeding pics.
Be careful on these sites, not everyone is who they say they are. Take advice but also don't take anything too seriously or to heart. I assume half the people on here are not who they claim to be.

gamerchick · 21/10/2018 19:23

Congratulations to several posters on here. You have illustrated beautifully what the OP was on about.

I am talking about the attack on @GunpowderGelatine**

I wasn't attacking, I was explaining why that thread went the way it did. That OP does put across she doesn't even offer the food in the first place because she hates waste. That her child clears their plate better at school than the other kids despite not wanting lunch at home.

The thread did move on but the way it was worded did suggest all they were offered was fruit all day until the evening meal.

Now I'm sure you'll want to defend that and will find a way but if you word a post suggesting you're witholding food from young kids because they waste most of it then yes people are going to say something about that.

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