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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be saddened by some posters on here

150 replies

looneymoons · 20/10/2018 21:01

I'm hoping these posters are just the minority on here and in real life, but it really saddens me to read incredibly nasty posts on some threads. Threads where the OP is only giving us a snippet of their lives and where they're looking for a bit of advice on here.

In real live would these people actually behave like this to someone in their hour of need?

Do people not think that the OP may be depressed and that nasty comments could be something that pushes them over the edge? Do they even care?

Please give me some faith in humanity and tell me that these posters are, thankfully, a rarity.

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 21/10/2018 00:56

Or even better - "Could it be a cultural thing". OP: "I was playing in a park with my 2yo and a woman came up and smacked him hard across the face. AIBU to be upset?"
Poster: "Could it be a cultural thing? YABVU to not be aware of things like this. Maybe you should have got to know her or bought her a creme egg"

sofato5miles · 21/10/2018 00:57

Some posters are shockingly mean minded. And the attitude of in AIBU expect a roasting is an attitude I don't understand. And, if a OP gnores the first insul, the vocabulary becomes even more vicious as the PP are just trying to elicit a response. I have never seen nor heard half the things said, in RL. And it does make me wonder about what really goes on in the heads of Joe Public as I go to the shops, commute to work etc. Are so many people truly that mean spirited and aggressive?

ScottCheggJnr · 21/10/2018 01:08

TBH I've noticed a lot of posts that I don't believe are from women - particularly anything where the OP is talking about a clash of interest with her DH. If she (OP) expects any kind of fair treatment she's accused of being in the wrong.

I'm not sure I agree with this.

I post on a lot of different forums and I've observed hat women tend to be nastier to each other in general than men and tend to be more personal.

I also find that it's us men if anything that get a shorter shrift on here - many women also comment on it. Recent example was a post where OP was talking about new partner not wanting to have sex. It was rightly pointed out that if it was a man complaining that his new gf didn't want to have sex he would likely be condemned for being unsympathetic or coercive.

Another recent one was ' How can I get husband to do more DIY?' Imagine if it had been 'How can I get wife to do more ironing!'

DancingForTheDog · 21/10/2018 01:14

@sofatofivemiles That happened to me (I've name changed since). I posted a pretty innocuous post on AIBU (I was new here so had no idea posters on AIBU should expect a kicking) and the insults started, which I ignored and just thanked others for their views, so the insults got worse. I went from having a chip on my shoulder, to being the MIL from hell, to being weird, pathetic, a liar etc. Honestly it was surreal - it was a very innocuous AIBU. Taught me not to start a thread again though.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 21/10/2018 01:41

I'm blunter online than in RL. I want honest responses when I start a thread. I want to know what people truly think. Friends and family are often biased.

I feel in my threads that comments only hurt if there is some truth in them - it's easy to dismiss mean comments that have no relevance.

busybarbara · 21/10/2018 03:07

Forget the nasty posts, it's the people who convince others to leave their partners over the most minor things who scare me. Families have been destroyed on here.

indigoprincess · 21/10/2018 03:49

@busybarbara families have been destroyed on here But do the posters usually take the LTB advice in those scenarios? Surely adults can unserstand when something is a lighthearted joke or serious?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/10/2018 04:26

There've always been the "mean posters" but I think there used to be fewer of them!

I especially hate it when the FIRST post after the OP is a mean, dismissive or argumentative one - because it sets the tone for the next few, until someone with a grain of sense comes along and answers the OP in a more appropriate spirit. But by then the damage can be done, and the OP may never return - or posters who only read the OP and first few posts will continue in that vein, so that the kicking continues.

Too many people seem to forget that there are real people behind the OPs (ok, apart from the trolls) and delight in kicking them down. :(

Hueandcry · 21/10/2018 04:50

I've been a mner for a lot of years & found a lot of support on this forum but having asked for advice in the past few days ive been shocked by the tone of some of the responses. I'm aware aibu is not a safe place but the nastiness seems to be invading the rest of the site. As someone who suffers from depression & anxiety I often post on here for stuff that I find it hard to talk about irl. It saddens me to read how horrible some people can be from behind a keyboard & can quite see how it could tip some people over the edge, myself included. I think posting on here will be rare for myself in future. Such a shame that myself & others who have had great support on here for over 10 years should be made to feel this way

KC225 · 21/10/2018 05:34

I've been on here the last few days (+plus years) I haven't noticed this week being any worse than others. What posts are you talking about? Did I miss them?

A580Hojas · 21/10/2018 05:51

What has changed in the past few days? Me and a few others seem to have missed this. Often a troll joins and just randomly goes around posting outrageously for attention/kicks/ - could it be that?

ChilliHobnobs · 21/10/2018 05:58

The thread about my dying mother was a thread with masses of support except for one vile individual who reduced me to tears.

A580Hojas · 21/10/2018 06:05

Just been reading back through the thread and no one seems to have picked up on this comment from LethalWhite "people should expect a roasting in AIBU that's what it's for".

Excuse me? Since when? That is completely incorrect and probably the source of all the problems if a handful of posters choose to believe this sort of tripe.

CantWaitToRetire · 21/10/2018 06:26

The Daily Fail seems to make a sport of picking up posts from MN and putting them into their online newspaper to fill up space. The lady with the child that bit another was one example. The people who comment on DM stories can be really really nasty. They tend to dislike the MN stuff being in a newspaper and are particularly horrid with their comments about MN users. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if some bored DM users hadn’t created profiles in order to come on MN and bait people.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/10/2018 06:28

So sorry to hear that, ChilliHobnobs - some people have no care at all for others. :(

gamerchick · 21/10/2018 06:28

Excuse me? Since when? That is completely incorrect and probably the source of all the problems if a handful of posters choose to believe this sort of tripe

That's what I thought. Aibu can be a bit robust but it's absolutely not for getting a kicking.

YANBU. I'm a little  tonight with MN. I posted saying how my kids don't eat 3 meals a day because they're just not that hungry

Well no, you posted saying you despise food waste so you don't provide 3 meals a day. That your 5 yr old gets half an apple for breakfast, maybe some grapes as a snack through the day so they eat their meal in the evening. Not feeding kids (which is how you made it sound) can upset some people. If you had posted what they do eat with portion sizes you might have not got that response.

moonkin · 21/10/2018 06:35

But do the posters usually take the LTB advice in those scenarios? Surely adults can unserstand when something is a lighthearted joke or serious?

I agree with this. Posters who do end up LTB would probably have done it anyway with or without AIBU's help.

A580Hojas · 21/10/2018 06:38

Otoh, you really shouldn't be posting in aibu if you can only cope with 100% supportive replies. Sorry Chilli - I saw your thread about your mother and didn't post on it but did wonder why you posted there when really you were just looking for some support Flowers.

Juells · 21/10/2018 06:43

ScottCheggJnr

I also find that it's us men if anything that get a shorter shrift on here - many women also comment on it. Recent example was a post where OP was talking about new partner not wanting to have sex. It was rightly pointed out that if it was a man complaining that his new gf didn't want to have sex he would likely be condemned for being unsympathetic or coercive.

FFS. No wonder they get short shrift. I'm not particularly gender-conforming, but if I thought a partner was on a forum where women discuss their problems, offering advice, I'd tell him to get a fucking grip. As for your example, if someone doesn't want sex at the start of a relationship it's going to be downhill all the way from then on.

Oblomov18 · 21/10/2018 07:12

I disagree. It's not THAT bad. Admittedly I didn't see the thread mentioned about their mum dying. But if so, this is a TAAT, which is not allowed.

Is it a full moon? It always gets bad then.

Juells · 21/10/2018 07:15

...and weekends, and half-term.

Mosschopz · 21/10/2018 07:23

I posted a simple question about a DD’s party last week...most responses were sensible but some looked to try and find something to blame me for...either I was neglecting my child or stupid for not taking a course of action that was obvious (which I would have done if I could). That was a simple, benign thread about a party...god knows what I’d have had if it’d been an emotive one!

Madein1995 · 21/10/2018 07:33

Yeah gunpowder there's a reason why you got that kind of response. Eating half an apple and nothing else for breakfast isn't enough. It's not the case that you offer the kids the food, as in a tidy breakfast and lunch, and they refuse. It's that they refuse their evening meal and you dislike waste. So you give them less to ensure they do eat their evening me.al.

As for kids not saying they're hungry. They're 5 and 3m2 this is their normal. They likely don't know what causes that feeling in their stomach and what stops it.

Seriously I find it quite funny, in a sad way, that you disagree with posters so they're all mean. Yes the 20plus commenters on the thread are ALL wrong and you're right. If you weren't worried you wouldn't have posted in the first place. Carry on but don't expect your kids to be unscathed

Oh and it's quite offensive to compare the stern advice you got to the sometimes horrible advice others get. A few years ago I posted about my mother hiting me, at the age of 22, and was told I was immature and if I'd tidied my room it wouldn't have happened, amongst more supportive posts. Now that kind of thing is mean. Not telling you you're the truth about your fucked up eating habits. None so blind as those who won't see.

ChilliHobnobs · 21/10/2018 07:56

Sorry Chilli - I saw your thread about your mother and didn't post on it but did wonder why you posted there when really you were just looking for some support flowers.

Because it was in elderly parents (or some such similar thread) and not AIBU.

GunpowderGelatine · 21/10/2018 08:02

Made like I said on the thread it's fine to disagree with me and there were posters with good advice, but some of the reactions - saying this was abusive, that I must have an eating disorder, that I don't feed them more because I can't be arsed washing dishes - were utterly OTT and ridiculous. And I'm not comparing it with the kind of thing you said (again, why posters just made shit up?) it's an example of the absolute hammering a person can get over something small and not serious

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