To not buy ds1 a games console for Christmas

[caitlinohara]

Ds1 will be nearly 12 at christmas but we are still holding out on this. My reason being - I do not want to live in a family where the kids are glued to computer games and I do not trust them to limit themselves to a sensible amount of game time (learned from experience of having a Wii). Ds1 thinks I am BU and has just gone and slammed a door about it. Apparently EVERYONE else in the world has Fortnite. It has got to the point now where he is saying he can't have friends round because there is 'nothing to do that they will like'. To clarify: we have a drum kit, a pool table and a garden to play in so I don't buy this at all, I think he is being spoilt. He has a tablet and a mobile phone but they have screen limits on them. I know he is never going to stop asking. AIBU.

OP, I am with you. If his 'friends' reject him because of his lack of console, they are not worth having as friends.

OP, I am with you. If his 'friends' reject him because of his lack of console, they are not worth having as friends.
It’s not that friends reject you, but that you can’t join in with conversations. You can’t expect a bunch of 12 year olds not to talk about gaming.
Also this kind of statement is all very well made as an adult but you aren’t the one at school every day....

I dont know any 12 yo boy which doesnt have either a ps4 or xbox. Its how they socialise out of school.

I am quite shocked that you read to your 12yo everyday though, My ds would think I'd lost the plot if I sat him down to read a story.

OP why not be honest with him and say you don’t want to get him a console because of his lack of other interests, his lack of help in the house, and his obsessive behaviour. If he really wants one, to has to take up one other hobby and agree to a certain amount of household chores. See how that goes, you have a couple of months until Christmas!
Also behaviour like slamming doors would be a definite loss of screen time in my house as does backchatting, stropping etc. It’s quite a good way to control behaviour.

And if they do continue to be difficult about putting screens down, take them away. We had a complete screen ban one weekend because the kids had been stroppy about coming off them, and they were loads better afterwards once they realised we meant it.

He isn't a baby.
He is a person with his own values and choices that don't have to mirror yours.

Why can't you say no to him? Why do you have to limit his ability to socialise and make friends because you don't trust yourself to limit the console?

We have a PS4 in our livingroom that we all share. My ds is 5 and we let him play fortnite (it's not that bad of a game you shoot people but they don't "die" you just start over again in a new round) but he also loves to play his lego games and minecraft..

We have rules that he isn't aloud on it until his room is tidy and school clothes put away etc and he's really only on it for an hour or so every other day and as soon as he's had his dinner it gets turned off for the night although sometimes at weekends or holidays he can play it in the evening

We're are planning on waiting a few years till he's older to get one for his bedroom and a plus of it being in the livingroom is we can monitor what's he's doing etc

Someone else asked if this is a thing only with boys. My DD 12 really likes playing console games but I think she’s quite unusual (she wants to study computer science). Most of her friends are more into social media, watching YouTube videos of teenage girls etc, posting their own videos.....which is a whole other issue .... I prefer computer games to be honest!!

We have consoles that actually belong to us as we enjoy playing games, the DC are allowed to play on them, but we are pretty strict about it.

They are only allowed age appropriate games, there's no Fortnite in out house as the oldest isn't even 10 yet.

They have a strict (fairly short) time limit per day each, this seems to cut out the crappy behaviour when they have been on it for ages and get angry about stopping.

The older ones also have a Ninendo DS, the same limits about games and time apply, they are not allowed any of this stuff in their own rooms.

I think yanbu. Some very positive ideas on here for getting him to take up other activities and interests as a way of earning the right to a console. He's only 12 they could still be the option to get more when he's 13 but you do need to see him doing other things.

My eldest is 8 and we are thinking of getting him a switch for Christmas but the usage will be regulated and contingent on him doing homework and piano practice etc. And the screen time on that will be interchangeable with his TV screen time or phone screen time.

I do like the idea of him having something that his friends can play with when they come round. Of course I like them to run around in the garden.

Our ds10 wanted one... So we said if he wanted one he could save up. He did and got it during the summer. I control the buying of the games. No fortnite though.

I do not know a 12 year old without access to a games console. You are ‘othering’ your son deliberately. It is 2018, no matter how much you wish it was 1980.

Why do you think his attitude to this parenting is going to be as an adult? Do you really think he’s going to look back in 30 years time and say “I’m glad you went to such great lengths to ensure I had nothing b common with my peers, it meant I studied in the library at break times instead of having friends!”?

I think Colditz that your comment is not fair. You have no way of knowing how the Ops son will feel in the future. He may be equally likely to thank his mum for steering him away from a potentially addictive hobby that he wasn't ready for. As other posters have said, wait until he has shown he can develop some other interests to give him a balance.

Also not having a console doesn't mean you have nothing in common with your friends unless your friends have an very narrow field of interests.

I would stick to your guns. You are the adult here. Mine were not allowed games consoles and have survived perfectly well. High five you!

Can you do a deal with him ? He gets the console but has to go to scouts or football

YANBU, providing that the same applies to any younger children when they reach that age.

Yes you can still talk about things with your friends, but if all your friends are playing together for an hour online after tea then you will not be part of that group.

And check the games console apparently cross platform is still difficult - so groups of mates tend to get the same one.

Reminds me of my DF. He HATES computers/technology/mobile phones (he’s 70) and really resisted the idea of my DB and me having them. We did get an Amstrad (I am that old!) when I was about 10, I have no idea how my mum persuaded him to this day and my DB then had Sega and Nintendo consoles from then on. Trouble was, my DPs weren’t they type who’d play and do things with us and we didn’t live near our school friends, so it wasn’t as though there was a lot of alternatives; they could never complain “Oh, we wanted to play monopoly but MissCharley and her brother are always playing Sonic the Hedgehog!” We had bikes and swings and that in the garden but (unlike when they were our age), we weren’t allowed to leave our road without a parent, so were quite limited for stuff to do.

We are buying our 7 year old one , but will have Restriction in place , my older son has a restriction on his , and he sticks to it , at times moans but still does , it's up to you to reinforce the restriction.
My son knows that if he doesn't stick to it , it will be removed . he's allowed 2 hrs on a week night after home work is done. And morning on weekends for 2 hours then early evenings 6-9 .

IMO a child that can't join in with peers will be a feel left out of social chat and much more.

Can I just say AGAIN that I am not anti-technology, I have said repeatedly that ds1 HAS AN IPHONE and a tablet, the battles over these are the reason why I have resisted getting another, more expensive and potentially addictive gadget.

However, I agree that IABU because I can see that the failure here is the ability to strike a balance and that's my fault as a parent. I allowed ds1 to drop activities because he wasn't enjoying them - he used to do Cubs, swimming, football but didn't like them so I didn't the point of having that battle. Maybe I should have been more insistent that he replaced those with something else but it's not easy where we live - there is not a lot around. He used to love tennis but there is no junior coach here any more. He learns the drums and he is really good at that but it's not social and he still needs a bit of persuasion to practise.

I have had a chat to him and explained my concerns and asked what he would be willing to try. He won't do Cadets/cycling club/martial arts/youth club which I suggested but has said he could do running club which is a lunchtime at school and vaguely mentioned hockey at school which is starting after Christmas. Still think this is a bit woolly but better than nothing.

They cause more trouble than theyre worth and the parents on here saying things like "it'll aliente him from his friends" or "don't you rememer the must have toys" etc are bonkers. That's bollocks and you're just feeding the problem.

Consoles suck the life out of a family and kids and honestly they are one of the worst purchases you can make.

I say this as a gamer and owner of pretty much every console that's ever existed. I game but only a couple of hours a week.

Kids should not have them. And they should be time limited and behaviour dependent if they do.

I don't think your problem is your 12 yo wanting a console, OP. It's that your 6 yo will likely end up glued to it as well (not to mention your 9 yo). You might need to think now about how you are going to manage that (though you'll probably have lost the will to think about it by the time it comes to DC3).

My DS (my oldest child) saved up for an X Box for absolutely ages, and finally bought it when he was 12.5. It was a flipping nightmare - endless arguments about time spent (we had rules about this, obviously), attempts by him to hack into our broadband when I switched it off, etc, etc, etc. I confiscated the power cable, and he saved up his allowance to buy another one. I heartily wished I could dump the blasted thing in the sea. It caused endless problems. The 'age ratings' were also a problem. I said no to anything with an 18 rating - but that rules out pretty much everything on XBox. So we gradually compromised on 15/16 ratings - but then 'everyone else' has Call of Duty, and so you somehow end up with that, too.

That said... he's now 17 and says gaming is 'a waste of time when there's so much more interesting stuff to do'. He sold his XBox on Ebay a couple of years ago (he was going to chuck it, but I said he might get something for it - and he did. Not much, but enough to be worth the faff of advertising it). He goes running, reads books (he's always been a keen reader, but was less so when the XBox reigned), watches people blethering crap on YouTube, talks endlessly to me, reads the newspaper, winds his siblings up, meets friends, etc.

So it isn't all gloom and doom, even if you have a pretty torrid time meanwhile. He is my obsessive one (hence his complete rejection of it now). My others are girls, and have never been bothered by gaming. Social media, OTOH...

I don't think you will be adding "another battleground" OP - your DS will simply replace time he currently spends on phone/tablet/TV with gaming console.

I have a 14 year old DS, who also would play PS4 all day every day. Setting limits I've found just leads to arguments, so we don't set limits as such, we just encourage him to do other things. Between the other activities he does, limits are naturally applied. There are some evenings he might go on the PS4 solidly for 2-3 hours, but other days he is buys doing other things and doesn't go on it all. I think that's more healthy than saying "an hour a day" and then fighting over it tbh. We did once have a very frank discussion where I said my objection wasn't to the PS4 per se but to his stroppy behaviour (sometimes) and his inability to get off it. So he knows if he behaves more positively I'm less likely to crack down! Also to say that I still read to him (though don't find time for every day, but definitely twice a week). It's actually a very positive time as we tend to talk about things other than the book as well as reading, plus of course it keeps him off the console! So ignore the poster who scoffed at you doing this!

On the flip side I have a 12 year old DD, who doesn't really game at all (maybe an hour a week) but is glued to her phone at all times. A lot of the time she is just listening to music, but it's actually much harder to get her to put the phone down, than it is DS on the PS4 - because she doesn't have so many other interests as he does. So actually, what we're now looking at doing is trying to encourage other interests - which is difficult as her main interest is socialising which is done via social media ...

I'd also look at how family adults model technology use. There are so many adults these days whose default response when they have a spare moment is to go on their phone. If children are growing up seeing this, why should they have to give up on their technology?

When i was a child (im 33 now), all our neighbours had game consoles, my dad bought us PC (desktop) and said on friday evening and weekends (we were very disciplined, most children these days arent)... Mind u a PC is nothing like a game console but it allowed us a bit of breath (it had doom, cars game, few others)... In the late 80s, no1 could afford PCs, nor were there games designed for them that much!
we used to beg for one, so so much we felt my dad was unfair to us. Then years passed, we all graduated from university, two Drs, 1 MSc with distinction, 2 BSc with first class degrees! My dad made sure nothing gets on our of education...

our house brought up the most successful ppl across the neighbourhood cuz my dad didnt buy into the hype! I love him now so much for what he did, we all do. No1 now remembers are begging to say 'oh u were mean/unfair', cuz we now know it was the best decision he made. Sadly our neighbourhood went so bad with poverty we moved out.

All i can advise you is, follow your heart, your children will need you to discipline them, not relying on them, esp these days with very adicting games.

My 5 yr old ds is getting one for Xmas,it was dh decision but I'll be in control of his v limited time on it