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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy ds1 a games console for Christmas

333 replies

caitlinohara · 20/10/2018 12:50

Ds1 will be nearly 12 at christmas but we are still holding out on this. My reason being - I do not want to live in a family where the kids are glued to computer games and I do not trust them to limit themselves to a sensible amount of game time (learned from experience of having a Wii). Ds1 thinks I am BU and has just gone and slammed a door about it. Apparently EVERYONE else in the world has Fortnite. It has got to the point now where he is saying he can't have friends round because there is 'nothing to do that they will like'. To clarify: we have a drum kit, a pool table and a garden to play in so I don't buy this at all, I think he is being spoilt. He has a tablet and a mobile phone but they have screen limits on them. I know he is never going to stop asking. AIBU.

OP posts:
AlliKaneErikson · 21/10/2018 01:12

My DS is 11 and does have a console, but it’s not connected to WiFi (so doesn’t use it to communicate with friends- there are other ways, contrary to what some posters have suggested!). He doesn’t play Fortnite but occasionally plays FIFA and the odd other (ancient!) game like Jurassic Park with his sister. He plays football, practises drums etc and goes out to play with friends so would be quite happy without it I’m sure.

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 21/10/2018 02:34

OP YADNBU. Take all electronic devices off him after one warning, if he still can't comply either factory reset them, change passwords &/or cut the wifi cable, until he does see sense.

Your house, your rules...full stop!.

And to those, who say that the OP is DBU, why don't you all phone the ss, Police, Childline, echr/ecj, UN, your local "lawyer 4 cash" or even your mp to tell OP off, for not letting her child have his own way.

BTW, I'm willing to wait for those posters (who claim that the OP is VBU) to start posting in a few months/years about their kids, about this very subject.

Amitskitshaw · 21/10/2018 02:47

100% agree with you. Stick to your decision.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 21/10/2018 03:12

I don't think you are being unreasonable to say no. Kids need a balance, you know what is best for your child. He will survive without one.
There are some great ideas on here to help him limit his time on a console if you do get him one. Could you get one for all the kids, so it's not just your son's? Get a few different games they will like. You can set limits and put conditions like he has to play sport, chores done, homework done. It's ok to put conditions on play time. But the best part is, things like slamming doors will lose him time, so you can use it to encourage good behaviour.

Kokeshi123 · 21/10/2018 03:36

You know your child best. If you feel that giving him a games console is going to turn him into an obsessive nightmare and that your time and energy is going to be used up policing the use of the fucking thing, say no.

bonnielassie1 · 21/10/2018 04:49

I think you should get the Nintendo Switch! Something the entire family would love and buy it as a family gift instead!

Devilishpyjamas · 21/10/2018 07:21

Just be aware that for boys an enormous amount of teen socialising is done by remotely playing games together (yes fortnite is popular at the moment, but so are games such as FIFA). I see it as the equivalent of the hours I spent on the phone (landline - mobiles didn’t exist) to my friends as a teen.

Yes your house your rules, but without a console you will be excluding your child from access to a very common means of socialising with their peers. I’d weigh up the pros and cons of that.

This is a particularly common way for boys to socialise. Girls seem to be more about their phones as far as I can make out. But for boys headsets and playing together from their own separate houses seems the way to go.

FWIW my middle and youngest son have cemented some very good friendships in part via playing the games remotely.

Devilishpyjamas · 21/10/2018 07:27

So for me it isn’t about having the latest gadget to talk about with friends at school (I couldn’t care less about that) it is that my youngest is playing with friends from school remotely via the games console - they’re talking to each other via headsets while paying the same game. That to me is building friendships.

I said youngest because my middle son uses gaming slightly differently & socialises differently now (although he was the same in the early secondary years).

dangermouseisace · 21/10/2018 07:47

My 12 year old has an Xbox, and plays Fortnite. Initially it was weekends only, but he plays for an hour a day most days. Maybe half an hour extra at weekends. He and his mates from school all get on at the same time and chat to each other via headsets (including some homework talk!). None of his friends live nearby so he couldn’t hang out with them in person. I worried about fortnite to start with, but the door is always open and I’ve sat down and watched what happens and it was fine in my opinion. I don’t “like” it myself, but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

I think it’s his hour of screen time...DS can do what he likes, within age appropriate limits. There have been times when son has got annoyed that he has less time online than his friends, but I explained the rules are there for a reason (bit of computer time=good, too much= bad psychologically). He knows if he cheekily tries to go over I’ll just turn the WiFi off, which screws things up, so it’s best to just finish properly at the requested time.

BarbarianMum · 21/10/2018 07:53

I get where you're coming from and I salute you for hanging on this long. We dod similar, for similar reasons but 12 was the age where we finally gave in. The reality is, by secondary school age, "playing" happens less and less and gaming is the thing. We limit it heavily, even when friends come over but it is a vital ingredient in the social mix.

Creas35 · 21/10/2018 07:57

@caitlinohara I mentioned the switch app, it’s the parental control app and my DP has it on his phone. He sets it for say 1 hour a day and then it turns off once that hour is up. To be fair my son is a fair bit younger than yours but we all enjoy playing it there’s some good family games like Mario odyssey.

rainbowstardrops · 21/10/2018 08:04

I get where you're coming from, especially as your DS has no other interests and you know he'll want to stay on it for hours on end. After all, you know your child best.

Having said that, he's probably feeling really left out with his friends.

If you decide to give in then I'd be making it crystal clear what your expectations and limits are. Maybe do a chore around the house to earn (insert length of time of your choice) on the console?
At the very least, make it clear how long he has and when.

When my two used to play up or refuse to get off, the Wi-Fi was abruptly switched off! Taking the controller away was another thing that worked a treat Wink

Bad behaviour usually resulted in a tec ban too. Just the threat of taking it all away was usually enough!

Good luck

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 21/10/2018 08:09

My children are adults now but we all still remember our games night when the 3 of us would squash into my sons single bed and play mario cart. Even now they are in their 20’s we sometimes drag the old console out the back of the cupboard and relive the experience.

notsohippychick · 21/10/2018 08:10

My 7 year old keeps asking to play Fornite. It’s a no from me. He’s obsessive anyway!

Also I was out off as his friends play it, before they played it, after school they went to the park and played football or whatever with my DS. Now they just want to go straight home to play it!

He plays FIFA and minecraft. However he is a bit obsessive about watching You Tube which I need to manage better.

Fireandflames666 · 21/10/2018 08:11

I had games consoles from being five years old. I went out and played/met with friends like I should all the way until leaving home. You have started need to give him boundaries/rules on when he can play.

Believeitornot · 21/10/2018 08:13

My ds is obsessed with his console. So we restrict gaming. He isn’t allowed every day and we take the dcs out and encourage other interests.

OP, your job is to parent. That means you press the off switch. It’s not all or nothing when you get one.

slkk · 21/10/2018 08:14

You don’t need a console to play fortnite - my teen does it on a PC. If you do decide to get one, it’s a good idea to gift it to the family, or even just buy it for yourself. Making the ownership joint or yours might help you retain control.

thereallifesaffy · 21/10/2018 08:15

At that age? Unreasonable I'm afraid. My DC had a console
Around that age, and while DS was obsessive with his it had not stopped him succeeding in life. In fact it's a good lesson for them to learn - to self regulate.
DS would instigate a voluntary ban around exam times.
Incidentally he met his lovely girlfriend through their mutual love of gaming! And they both live and work happily and enjoy a variety of other hobbies.
I think a bigger digital danger is the handing of phones and devices to much younger kids so that they don't develop social and academic skills. Twelve should be fine.

mummabubs · 21/10/2018 08:29

You're his parent, it's up to you. Maybe I empathise a bit more with this as I never had a games console growing up (all my friends did) but we had a PC with some games on instead. I'm in my late twenties so games consoles were definitely a thing when I was growing up and a lot of my friends had one but I accepted my parent's decision not to get one. I now have a DS (v young) but if he asks for one I'd have the same reservations as you OP and would only go ahead with some firm boundaries about what gets played and for how long.

lottiebear69 · 21/10/2018 08:54

I think you YABU everyone is right that he won’t be able to socialise with his friends - I’m afraid although pool and football are good things to have st your home they’re what they will do as well as playing x box/ps 4 it’s a sad fact of life that fortnite is around but at least it is a game where they can interact With friends whilst playing. I have 2 ds one would be on there every waking minute if he could and is during holidays (we now ban mon - thur during term time) but other ds comes and goes on it. I think your ds will find it hard to socialise without this to talk about with his mates and surely you’ll just see less of him as he’ll head to mates to play it instead ? Times have changed sadly from when we used to be able to just hang out and trying to hang on to the good old days isn’t fair on our youth - sorry

hestia2018 · 21/10/2018 09:05

I think YABU for all the reasons other posters have outlined above. You are the parent and it’s your job to limit screen time, whether that’s through an agreement, an app, earning it, whatever - that’s what parents have to do.
When I was growing up my DSis (who has more of an obsessive personality than me) was always on the phone talking to her friends and my dad didn’t want to pay the phone bill so he put a lock on the phone. She hated him for it and it didn’t do much for their relationship.
What I think is more of an issue here is that your 12 year old does no chores round the house! He definitely should do. Just simple things like taking recycling out. My DCs all get screen time but they understand it is a privilege that is earned. No chores, no homework, no screens.
Also the fact he refuses to go to any clubs or activities... that is a shame. My DS is 10 and is very reluctant to try new activities but we strongly encouraged him to go to one after school club (which he now enjoys) and do one activity at the weekend, even something like going swimming or a bike ride.

EvaHarknessRose · 21/10/2018 09:06

YANBU. Why not explain that you need to see him developing himself with other interests, you think his focus/obsessional traits could be really useful to him but unless he applies it to sport/music/reading/ studies he will be wasting it - so you need to see him apply himself to two or three regular interests, or one intensive one, for the next year or two, and if he does so then you might reconsider.

I think its a big decision to get a console in your house, because of the ages of the other boys. Limiting the console will become your sole job (get a safe for the power cord to live in).

Embracethechaos · 21/10/2018 09:13

Yanbu. If he really wants a console, how about saving up for it... Paper round? Or pay him for household chores. My brother really wanted a games console, he got one in year 5, after getting 100 stars on a behaviour chart, for half the cost and he paid for the other half... Of a second habd one that came with a few games.

jamaisjedors · 21/10/2018 09:15

Yadnu. Just asked DS (12) and he says your son could play Minecraft online with friends by chatting on Skype at the same time (what my 2 do).

He also says your DS can still talk about games with other kids even if he hasn't played them. He can watch videos on YouTube.

We have terrible battles about screen time on Minecraft/tablet/Wii - there is no way we would add another device into that for the same reasons as you - everything becomes centered around "when can I play on video games?"

pinkhorse · 21/10/2018 09:24

My 8 year old has an Xbox one and plays fortnite online with his mates. They all chat through the headset. It's a good social experience. He only goes on at the weekend, not midweek. A 12 year old without a gaming console must be feeling really left out.