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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you’d do if single, childless and likely to stay that way?

468 replies

muddywatersedge · 19/10/2018 13:41

Aged 38.

OP posts:
muddywatersedge · 19/10/2018 17:21

I am neither. I am a normal person, worried about my future and unsure of my place in the world.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 19/10/2018 17:29

Get a cat. I know it’s a tired old cliche, but having something to snuggle up with on the sofa or give a running commentary to as you’re cooking dinner does stop people from feeling lonely massively.

chestylarue52 · 19/10/2018 17:30

@SushiMonster

I’m in pretty much exactly the same position as you!

Even with the sort of unsuitable boyfriend. I also go on holiday but don’t travel. A lot of the time I make my own fun and invite people along, talks, documentaries, nights out, holidays, etc. If they come that’s great, If not I go anyway.

I have loads of nieces and godchildren and children of friends that I’m close to. I have lots of friends, lots of female friends and a wider interesting social circle.

I love my job but it definitely doesn’t define me.

I’m proud to own my own home and car etc.

HollowTalk · 19/10/2018 17:31

OP, do you have a bit of money to throw at this?

muddywatersedge · 19/10/2018 17:37

No, stony broke Smile

I live in a rented place not really suitable for cats. But thanks.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/10/2018 17:45

It's odd how people do assume that if you're a single woman you'll have loads of money.

However... in what way could you change your life so that you earned more?

SushiMonster · 19/10/2018 17:51

I love the freedom but you have to push back at creeping loneliness all the time. People are lazy and don't want to come out.

This is true.

I've made an effort to cultivate 'low key socialsing' whereby a friend comes over for a bog-standard midweek meal and we have a glass of wine and watch e.g. grand designs and have a chat. And the same style of evenings at their places. Love these evenings. Otherwise socialsing can get really expensive if you do it out of the house all the time.

@chestylarue52 we should hang out!

Ilovecookiedough · 19/10/2018 17:53

I'd probably focus on my career, I'd be able to move around and move to wherever the dream job is. I'd travel loads whever I fancied and just generally enjoy having a nice lifestyle without all the crap that goes with having kids and a husband. (I do happen to love having a husband and kids though, this is just fantasy for me lol!).

doris9034 · 19/10/2018 18:01

I was single and childless for 8 years and absolutely loved it! Being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted was bliss and was exactly how I intended to stay for the rest of my life.....
Then I went to a friend's party and met the most amazing man who i have now been with for years and we foster children. Sometimes life just doesn't stick to a plan.....

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 19/10/2018 18:01

Don't you keep starting similar threads? You only give minimal information and then give minimal replies, usually negative and "yes but" despite loads of people taking the time to answer you in good faith.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 19/10/2018 18:03

Muddy, what is it that you would like to change about your life? Do you want a family? A better career? More friends? I’m sure we can suggest things to you to make things better.

3in4years · 19/10/2018 18:04

Personally I would adopt.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/10/2018 18:06

3in4years well that’s hardly possible when single

LittleHootie · 19/10/2018 18:07

What are your friends like OP? I think if you can find your "tribe" things like partners and kids don't really feel like a void.

EnormousDormouse · 19/10/2018 18:11

At 38 I re-trained; at 43 I moved abroad. Love it. Lots of friends (many expat single women over here for company; men too) and I get to do fun stuff like scuba all the time. I have a busy social life with theatre/opera, meals out, hill walking, learning the local language and it's been great to meet people from all over the world.

SushiMonster · 19/10/2018 18:17

@EnormousDormouse oooh what did you retrain as and what country? Sounds FAB

sumtly · 19/10/2018 19:03

When I had dd I hated every second of screaming dc. I went back to work at 6 months and was so much happier. Now she’s 5 and I’ve found myself giving up work and loving every second of being with her.
I find it really strange as honest to god I wish I could take back having her as I found it so difficult.
I always wanted dc. Having an unplanned pregnancy which resulted in a 12 week miscarriage allowed me to put things into perspective though. I may never have any more dc but I am so so glad I have my one.
Saying that I have friends who are more than happy without dc and if you’re content in a decision to not have dc, I truly believe you can’t miss what you don’t have Grin
I you can have dc and want them I’d say go for it. I cannot imagine life as a non parent now. I’ve met so many friends through dd as well.

Gabilan · 19/10/2018 19:05

What makes you happy?

This, really. I'm mid 40s, single, live on my own, am child free. It's not exactly by choice. I would have preferred to meet a lovely man, settle down and have kids. But I didn't want children in the abstract - I wanted to have them with the right person. Since that didn't happen, I remain child free. I now look at the international situation and realise this is not a bad thing. Between Brexit, climate change and the rise of the far right, we're screwed. I worry about me and I worry about the planet, but I don't have descendants to worry about.

It's hard to say the ways in which I take advantage of my situation, because I just do what I do. Horses are my main thing (turn that into a pun if you like). This means I don't have spare cash. And in fact I screwed my career up over a decade ago for the sake of a man. It's my one real regret and now I make choices for me. It's made me wary of partnerships because they're often not really partnerships and someone can take advantage of your trust and screw you over.

So, I have my horse and other people's horses that I'm involved with. I live in a small, rural community, because it's easier to have horses here. It's also easier to be connected. I'm involved with other people's children and I am the cool mad, honorary auntie. I enjoy this. I joined a book club and through this met a friend into music. She persuaded me to sing. Through this I joined music and singing groups and now I know lots of people. I do occasionally meet single men my age or thereabouts. Maybe one day one of them will become a companion. I'd like the option of nights together, emotional and physical companionship. I don't know if I want to live with anyone.

It's cool, I enjoy it. But, I am a loner by nature. If you're not, you might want different things and be looking for other adjustments.

Gabilan · 19/10/2018 19:05

Sorry, that was way too long. But at least it has paragraphs.

sumtly · 19/10/2018 19:06

If I couldn’t have dc I’d be out socialising drinking a lot more. And possibly moving to some random beautiful apartment somewhere. I did that before dd though. Had an an apartment conversion in a castle. That was very fun. Highly recommend. I still travel a lot. At least every couple of months I’m away so having a dc hasn’t stopped that for me. But it’s great. Just go travelling. And make as many friends as you can, and don’t write off friends with dc, we’re not all going to give you ear ache talking about them I promise!

FreeButtonBee · 19/10/2018 19:10

I’d go part time. Definitely. Get fit. Take up a weird random hobby. Do a masters in English lit. Buy a beach hut somewhere secluded and wild camp. Ski a lot

Gabilan · 19/10/2018 19:13

I truly believe you can’t miss what you don’t have

That's ridiculous. You're not going to miss what you do have, are you? It's also incredibly insensitive to any women without children who want them.

AhhhhThatsBass · 19/10/2018 19:17

I’d move abroad. Without a shadow of a doubt.

BruegelTheElder · 19/10/2018 19:20

So many people saying they'd move abroad. You can move abroad with a family you know!

ShadyLady53 · 19/10/2018 19:42

@brookeberry

Thankyou, your post has made me a bit teary. I'm 34, have been single for most of my life and I don't want a future without a husband and children. I've all but given up and resigned myself to a lonely life. I've got loads of hobbies and I'm successful in many ways but so, so, lonely despite being independent and passionate. Your post has given me hope that it can still happen for me.

In answer to OPs question. I'd adopt or foster as a single person. I don't want a future without children and a family. No travel or hobbies or money could ever make up for missing out on motherhood.

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