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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you’d do if single, childless and likely to stay that way?

468 replies

muddywatersedge · 19/10/2018 13:41

Aged 38.

OP posts:
justfloatingpast · 19/10/2018 15:58

And all this talk of exotic holidays and beautiful clothes and wonderful expensive outings - single people are often paying a mortgage on their own, and have much the same household bills as a couple plus the usual long commutes, jobs to catch up with at weekends etc.

MissLingoss · 19/10/2018 16:02

If you want to, you can chuck in your fulltime, well paid, secure job, to take on part time or temporary work while you pursue an ambition - whether that's further study, art, writing, music, whatever. As long as you can put a roof over your head and food on the table, it's entirely up to you if you choose to scrimp and scrape and spend your free time chasing your dreams. Nobody else is missing out.

justfloatingpast · 19/10/2018 16:04

And how would you pay your mortgage/rent MissLingoss, or pay into a pension fund for when you're old, or pay your bills if you've jacked in your job to write a book or go to art college?

It's really not that simple. It's like me saying "well if your husband is working then surely you can just pack in the job and follow your dreams".

SushiMonster · 19/10/2018 16:05

I'm mid 30's and childless, likely to stay that way

Whilst I do have a "DP" it is a bit of an odd relationship and don't often see each other (his work keeps him abroad and busy) and I'm not sure it is going to last anyway.

I have done a lot of what other people suggest:

  • Bought a house and I have a lovely lodger live with me, this is both helpful for the mortgage and a bit of company.
  • I have a cat! Cliched but makes me happy.
  • I try and be sensible with savings for my future as being sick or disabled would be difficult on your own.
  • I put a lot of time into friendships and have different friends for different things. I actively seek childfree women as friends. I think I am unusual in that there are many childfree couples in my core/old friendship group and I think we attract others as our lifestyle suits this.
  • I have a number of organised groups I am part of for sport and other hobbies which provides a framework where I know I will have social interaction. And, obviously, I have time for hobbies as I have no child rearing responsibilities and I can't see DP more than one weekend in 3 anyway.
  • I am social and inclusive and will flick out a message to people saying 'doing this on x date, fancy it?' but if people don't fancy it I do it anyway.
  • I do go on holiday a lot but I don't really 'travel'
  • I do put effort in at work and have a great job, but it is not my defining thing and I won't rule the world/be the best ever.
  • I am happy that you don't have to be extra special as a child free women. You can sit at home and watch netflix eating crisps all weekend if that is what you want. You don't owe society anything. In fact society owes you as a lovely net tax contributor to pay for all the sprogs people are pushing out.
  • My brother and his family (he has children) are lovely and I go round there to get a fix of 'family' before retreating back to my lovely clean, tidy and quiet house! Am aware not everyone has that.
  • I am happy on the childfree bit (I think) but I get a bit envious of couples who seem to really enjoy each others company and have a lot of hobbies in common. I do kinda think that I am a fun, nice person, very low drama, I am attractive and I enjoy lots of things. Why didn't I find a guy who likes doing all this stuff with me? I probably should split from "DP" (and I would tel a friend to if she were me!) but sometimes its hard to do that even though you know you would be better off long term.
  • I have no desire to live in another country. London is where my friends are and the are v important.
BarbarianMum · 19/10/2018 16:06

Develop my career on an international basis, have a cool flat, write, have a better social life.

I dont regret my choices but I've never found the energy to "have it all". I have the dh and kids and ^^ is the price I paid.

SushiMonster · 19/10/2018 16:08

Totally agree with @justfloatingpast - if anything it is more important to have a secure job as a single person, and you still need to do boring life admin jobs, you can't always be having fun.

SushiMonster · 19/10/2018 16:10

Also the posts about "enjoying all the alone time" are pretty insensitive.

People with children are only saying that because it is what they don't have at the moment. If you had it all the time you would hate it.

Never having anyone at home to say 'hi' when you come through the door. Never having anyone to watch TV with. Never having anyone to eat diner with in the evenings (unless you have planned to meet a friend).

Chesntoots · 19/10/2018 16:11

I'm a bit older than you but in the same position.

I love it and dont really want to change it.

I am studying, travelling and basically doing what I want, when I want.

NicoAndTheNiners · 19/10/2018 16:14

My two good friends are older than you and single, no kids. They both seem happy. Good network of friends, so nights out, keeping busy. I'm going on holiday with one of them next year.

I'm married but don't spend any time with dh and we have never gone on summer holidays together. So when dd was younger me and her went away the two of us. Now I go on my own or with a friend. I'm quite happy going on my own.

I do think you need to have a good support network of friends.

justfloatingpast · 19/10/2018 16:15

I don't want to sound grumpy on this thread, but some people really seem to have this fantasy about life for single people without children. It is actually more expensive for one person to live on one salary than for two people to live on two salaries. You also don't have the security of a partner's job if you need to take some unpaid leave from work.
Also, most of us don't particularly want to devote every waking minute to our 'careers', anymore than someone who has a partner does. Lots of us just want to do our jobs and go home in the evenings.

IcedPurple · 19/10/2018 16:16

People with children are only saying that because it is what they don't have at the moment. If you had it all the time you would hate it.

Not neccessarily. I live alone, have done so for years, and don't have much of a social life - mostly by choice. Sure, there are times I feel lonely, but for most of the time I love it.

Never having anyone at home to say 'hi' when you come through the door? Turning the key in the lock of my front door in the evening, especially a Friday evening, is bliss for me.

Never having anyone to watch TV with? Never having to fight over the remote control and being able to watch "Rome" repeats whenever I feel the need? Again, bliss!

Never having anyone to eat diner with in the evenings (unless you have planned to meet a friend)? Sometimes it's nice to share food and wine with a friend or partner, yes, but it's also great to eat what you want when you want - even if that is sometimes, for me, a packet of peanuts or a bowl of porridge for dinner - and not have to quibble over who did the washing-up last time.

Single life isn't for everyone, sure. But some of us are quite happy that way and would not want to change it. Statistically, single women are happier than married women, though interestingly the reverse is true for men. Figure that one out.

OutPinked · 19/10/2018 16:18

It would depend entirely on whether I wanted children or not. If I did then at 38 I wouldn’t be messing around waiting for ‘Mr Right’, I would be sourcing a sperm donor and doing it alone.

If I didn’t want children and I was certain of that then I’d crack on building a life for myself. I’d travel as much as possible and just enjoy life.

SushiMonster · 19/10/2018 16:21

@IcedPurple that is true, good point

Sarahlou63 · 19/10/2018 16:21

Definitely 2nd the idea of getting a lodger, I was in your position in my late 30's and my last lodger was great company for over 3 years.

Get a pet, a rescue cat ideally - you both benefit.

If you don't fancy holidaying on your own try volunteering abroad instead - workaway or helpx are both good for trying new experiences.

Original poster
muddywatersedge · 19/10/2018 16:22

I must admit I am a bit lost as to why many of you married and had children if what you wanted was to be living ‘my’ life?

Can anyone answer that?

OP posts:
brookeberry · 19/10/2018 16:28

OP, I'm you, but 7 years on.

I was 'single and childless' at 38. I thought, well that's that then. I focussed on my career, saw family and friends when I could. Yes there is a lot of alone time - I lived by myself for 13 years - thank god for books, TV, the phone.

I would probably now tell myself to get out more and find new interests that would introduce me to new people - I was never very good at that. There are so many groups out there and I think we all have untapped interests and passions.

On a rare night out I met someone. Drinks were involved and some pushing from a married friend, but he and I dated, fell in love, married, and against most of the odds had a healthy baby just before my 43rd birthday.

So life has changed. Now I barely get any sleep and 'work' is the only time I get me-time. My idea of a good time is stopping in a lay-by while my toddler sleeps! But yes, I am happy, tired and happy.

I would tell my 38 year old self that things can change in a matter of 24 hours. I would say the more you focus on what you like, where you like and who you like, the more you will inhabit yourself and the chances of meeting a like-minded person the better (looks have nothing to do with it - some of the most unattractive people I know are very happily married!)

FYI my perineum has never been the same.

Good luck xx

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/10/2018 16:34

muddywatersedge the grass is always greener.
Ultimately im happy with the choices Ive made so far but it doesnt mean I dont miss certain things about my pre-child life. Life (whatever life you have) will always have mundane and boring aspects to it.
Are you able to make yourself feel better about yourself/looks and put yourself out there to date/ meet people?

auberbene · 19/10/2018 16:36

@redexpat 'Tell my perinium how much I love it.'

Spat out my coffee. Thank you.

RoboticSealpup · 19/10/2018 16:47

Travel, have crazy adventures and just live by my own rulebook. At one point I thought this would be me and this is what I had planned!

CrazySheepLady · 19/10/2018 16:50

At 36 I was single, admittedly childfree by choice, had a job I didn't like, only just keeping my head above water. I guess I would have just carried on going to work every day, warming up ready meals for one, watching telly, going to bed and doing it all again tomorrow. I was soul-crushingly lonely, though.

SabineUndine · 19/10/2018 16:53

I'm single and childless. I go on loads of holidays (mostly on my own) and at Christmas I put my feet up and do nothing for a day. It's fab.

Original poster
muddywatersedge · 19/10/2018 16:53

It is very lonely I agree there.

OP posts:
Chalkhillblu3 · 19/10/2018 17:00

It took me nearly 5 years to get used to living alone after years of cohabitation and flatshares. I used to have loads of lights on timeswitches for ages. Now can't be arsed. Come home to a dark freezing house and make a cup of tea in my coat.

I love the freedom but you have to push back at creeping loneliness all the time. People are lazy and don't want to come out.

I do appreciate my taut undercarriage though Grin

pleasesleepinyourownbed · 19/10/2018 17:12

@redexpat I actually doubled back to that comment as I thought I had read it wrong Grin. True though! Never take your under carriage for granted if you haven't evacuated a kid Grin.

LucyMorningStar · 19/10/2018 17:18

A lot depends on one's mindset. If you're an Eeyore type than of course it's going to be sad. The Spongebobs of this world, however, will see a silver lining and use it to the max 😁