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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you’d do if single, childless and likely to stay that way?

468 replies

muddywatersedge · 19/10/2018 13:41

Aged 38.

OP posts:
debbiefrowner · 21/10/2018 18:05

Re: the whole fwb debate.

I think the problem with presenting yourself as “being open to casual interactions” is then you get a lot of weird blokes who no other women want (shit in bed or unattractive or weird) or married guys etc.

Plus a lot of guys are fairly internally sexist and don’t like the idea that an attractive woman DOESNT want to be their mrs and settle down with them (they have this idea deep down that I’m secretly “after a wedding ring”) So they end up playing silly buggers and get into power games which then drains time?

It’s like saying “I want a casual interaction” is the same as “you can drop into my flat any time you feel the urge and I’ll cancel all my plans and be waiting with my knickers off because deep down I want to marry you” HAHAHA.

Not sure if I’ve got a solution to this but it’s just “one of those things”.

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 18:09

Lots of people have children without really thinking about it, because “it’s what you do”. I also know people who had children because they felt they ought to, or FOMO.

Same here. Some of my friends really did have that 'urge' to have a baby. But many, maybe most, did it because it's the 'next step', it's 'what you do'.

Speaking for myself, I have never felt the 'urge'. I've never looked at a family with kids and thought "Yup. I want that life." Even the 'good' bits simply don't appeal.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/10/2018 18:11

but holding your newborn baby and seeing them respond to you is something amazing so I would say it’s a massive thing to miss out on while she still has the chance to do it!

Not disputing that’s great . But to assume a life without this is joyless for Women is not 100% accurate either

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 18:11

I think the problem with presenting yourself as “being open to casual interactions” is then you get a lot of weird blokes who no other women want (shit in bed or unattractive or weird) or married guys etc.

Or men who - like some women - don't want a committed relationship (at least not for the time being) and want no-strings fun with someone they like and trust? Sounds like a pretty good set-up to me, assuming all concerned know what is and is not involved.

PurpleDaisies · 21/10/2018 18:14

but holding your newborn baby and seeing them respond to you is something amazing so I would say it’s a massive thing to miss out on while she still has the chance to do it!

Why are you posting this on a thread about living with being single and childless? Confused

Gabilan · 21/10/2018 18:15

So you create another generation of humans who - by the same logic - have no "meaning" in their lives until they in turn go on to create the next generation? And so on and so forth.

Exactly that, IcedPurple. it's something I think Lionel Shriver explored (brutally) well in We need to talk about Kevin. It places an enormous burden on children to assume they'll give our lives meaning. Of course we need them if we are to continue as a species - that much is basic biology. But I don't think they give us some deep philosophical meaning.

Myusername101z · 21/10/2018 18:16

Holiday sleep repeat

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 18:18

Of course we need them if we are to continue as a species - that much is basic biology.

Honestly, I couldn't care less if the species continues or not! Homo sapiens has been a disaster for the planet. Though given that there are 7 billion of us here, there's not much chance of the species dying out any time soon.

Gabilan · 21/10/2018 18:20

you get a lot of weird blokes who no other women want (shit in bed or unattractive or weird) or married guys etc

A quick perusal of the relationships board gives the impression that all the narcissistic, batshit, controlling weirdos are indeed married. An awful lot of women do seem to have wanted them enough at some stage.

Kemer2018 · 21/10/2018 18:39

I would enjoy my pert boobs

debbiefrowner · 21/10/2018 18:43

icedpurple I agree with you “in theory” casual arrangements should work well - there’s certainly more than enough social space in modern society for such arrangements to work out?

My quibble isn’t a morality one but a logistical one.

in practice I’ve found them to often take more effort/energy/time than it’s worth? Other women I know IRL have had this experience.

I mean I theoretically don’t mind the idea of myself as some cocktail swigging bed hopping glamazon but outside of Sex and the City that kind of dynamic doesn’t really seem to be that productive.

Maybe it’s different if one has a social demographic where one meets a lot of normal guys and see what arises “spontaneously” but I think often the guys who are going out of their way to “get casual sex” are a bit odd or unbalanced.

Study and work till my sex drive drops off is the strategy for now Smile

MiracleMaxine · 21/10/2018 18:45

I'd chase my dream job.

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 19:09

I mean I theoretically don’t mind the idea of myself as some cocktail swigging bed hopping glamazon but outside of Sex and the City that kind of dynamic doesn’t really seem to be that productive.

But what you're describing sounds more like casual sex than an FWB arrangement. I see the latter as a compromise - if you don't want a committed relationship but also don't want the hassle of casual dating, with all its risks and frustrations, especially for women, then having a 'sex buddy' can be a good set-up. You can have regular sex with someone you trust and like without having to commit to them. Of course, this can often be better in theory than in practice, but the same is true for all sorts of relationship formats.

Maybe it’s different if one has a social demographic where one meets a lot of normal guys and see what arises “spontaneously” but I think often the guys who are going out of their way to “get casual sex” are a bit odd or unbalanced.

But like I said, the FYB set-up means you avoid the risk-taking that comes with casual sex and instead have a sexual relationship where you both trust and like each other. Are there risks of meeting someone 'odd or unbalanced'? Sure. But as Gabilan so rightly said, one glance at the 'Relationships' page will show you that therea are plenty of 'odd or unbalanced' - and much worse - men in more conventional relationships too.

Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 19:20

Finding an fwb relies on another person falling in with your agenda and that you cannot control or 'manifest' so it could be a better project to focus on what you parts of your life you have the power to improve.

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 19:27

Finding an fwb relies on another person falling in with your agenda and that you cannot control or 'manifest' so it could be a better project to focus on what you parts of your life you have the power to improve.

Eh? I'm not sure what you're suggesting - to live in total isolation? Don't all forms of social and sexual interaction involve "another person falling in with your agenda" if you want to put it that way?

Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 19:31

Up to a point, but a fwb is a very specific arrangement. Friendships and being friendly are more organic processes as you move through life and work.

SerenDippitty · 21/10/2018 19:32

I would have thought finding a FWB who you find attractive, is not already in a relationship, is a decent trustworthy sort and is up for no strings attached sex would be actually quite difficult?

Gabilan · 21/10/2018 19:36

Finding an fwb relies on another person falling in with your agenda and that you cannot control or 'manifest' so it could be a better project to focus on what you parts of your life you have the power to improve.

I didn't set out to find a FWB. It just kind of happened because I made friends with someone who lived a fair distance away. Neither of us wanted a long-distance relationship and neither of us wanted to move. But there was a definite attraction so every few months we'd spend a weekend together. It was fun. I don't regret it. FWB things don't have to be planned. They can just happen organically.

shortaris1 · 21/10/2018 19:37

It can be quite diffic ul t but it's well worth it if you want sex but not the hassle of a relationshio.

Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 19:37

@Serendippitty i agree. And if a woman (OP) can't visualise anything other than singledom in her future, I am guessing she might agree.
But even if it's easy, it's not a life-changing enterpriSe!

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 19:38

. Friendships and being friendly are more organic processes as you move through life and work

Do you talk like this in real life?

Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 19:43

The advice i gave was based on the OP's posts.
She herself said she cannot see her single status changing or she woyld like to have children.

I talk differently when im put in the position of justifying giving advice tailored to the OP who asked the question.

Discuss FWB amongst yourselves.

Over and out now.

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 19:45

The OP seems to have abandoned the discussion, which has since moved on.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/10/2018 19:48

Yes it’s moved on to hyperbole and suggestions of WA freedom programme
Others have surmised he is cruel controlling calculated manipulative abuser
And someone said he’s a cunt

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/10/2018 19:49

Right post,wrong thread

Swipe left for the next trending thread