To ask what you’d do if single, childless and likely to stay that way?

[muddywatersedge]

Aged 38.

Nobody cares @Stevie69 . Who you're sleeping with or not sleeping with is not part of finding contentment, meaning or purpose in life as a single woman. It's a journey one has to take alone. We die alone.
We figure this out alone.

I'm happy in my single life. You're happy in yours. So none of my posts were directed at you or any other person who has already found their purpose and happiness.

long weekend that bring me in to alignment with my true self. Unemcumbered by responsibility

You’re kidding yourself. What you are now is your true self. Otherwise why did you get married and have DC?

It’s fantasy.

If you are single and have no caring responsibilities for any relatives or animals. You could work in your home country for 6 months, then work or travel in a country of your choice for 6 months and repeat. I know a couple of people who live like this. Ultimately, it is your life, so it's up to you to decide what you want to do.

Well, I got divorced.

I am going to reduce my work share pattern shortly so that I can spend less time working and more time on my artistic pursuits. I also have something that I plan to make money out of, eventually. None of it is possible over night but it helps to know what kind of life you're trying to create.

I know the OP has long gone and I know i have children and OP doesn't but several times I have surveyed my life and thought ''what now'' but I have worked hard, in various different ways, to bring about the vision I see.

It's not a fantasy. Everybody has a certain amount of power to work towards creating a life that resembles their ideal life. Insofar as is possible anyway given financial constraints and/or responsibilities. They have to figure out what has meaning for them though.

Nobody cares @Stevie69* *

I care.

@shineonharvestmoon, also, I have forgiven myself for this but I got married and had children on auto pilot. I wasn't living consciously at that point. I understand why I made that mistake now. I have to live with the repercussions but making a mistake when you're not living consciously doesn't represent your true self at all. The true self emerges. After pain comes growth, etc.

I'm 39 single but have one dd.
In a way I'm lucky that I have a child and as I don't want anymore the pressure is of there.
But financially it's so hard being single I've had days where I've been so ill but I've had to force myself into work as I can't afford to loose a days money.
And just the little things like having a shit day and no one to talk or reassure you.
It's things like this I miss.

So none of my posts were directed at you or any other person who has already found their purpose and happiness.

Well they were. You kept quoting me in them. To be honest, you've lost me a bit. it doesn't take much on a Sunday afternoon, granted. But I don't know what your point is

I’d be more spontaneous, I’d study pursue a post grad,do things unplanned
Obvs having kids I have a regimented life,no complaints about it,that comes with school,nursery etc

I really am saddened by your post "I'm not very attractive so dating is hard". This is hard to read, if I was you I would do something to boost my confidence. Whether that is a makeup makeover, a haircut, some hypnosis (self belief/self worth-there are cheap apps) or similar. You are attractive and there will be people who think so.

I am feeling like that about your posts too. You went over my posts bolding them and then stating underneath why what I said was wrong or why you disagreed with what I said.

It was not my intention to make you feel judged. To each their own.

I'm going to leave this now. I tried to be helpful because I do genuinely know what it's like to be at a crossroads in one's life and survey it wondering what next and wondering where to find meaning. I've done that and I continue to do that. It is a journey one must make on one's own though.

See user if I'd had a shit day and had to come in and speak to someone I'd hate that! Much better coming in to an empty house and going for an angry run for me.

If it works for you great but it isn't any sort of answer to finding meaning in the second half of life as a single woman.

It is great if you want to fuck though. Not everything has to be earnest navel gazing about your place in the world as a single woman Personally I've never felt that being married with kids would somehow give my life some meaning that it otherwise lacks. There has to be more to this than just producing the next generation, otherwise what is any of it for?

The problem with self help books is you may find life is passing you by whilst you read them.

I'm 34 yo, childless, an only child; i do have a girlfriend but i don't think it is going to work with her (very unsure at the moment). I also suffer from terrible migraines and have to manage pain everyday so it doesn't get worse.

This is not an easy life at all. I am very independent but i miss having more meaning in my life. I dread the future when i'll have to take care of my parents alone and when i'm older myself.

BUT i have freedom, a little spare money after my bills are paid, no mortgage and a job i love (even though it is very stressful). I've been trying to work with that to build a better life for myself. I realize i've been holding on to my dreams of having a great relationship and a family and not having to deal with health issues. This has made me very bitter for a while. I'm trying to change my midnset. It's very hard, but i'm trying anyway. I live in a house in the suburbs and have been thinking of selling it and moving fo the city center or an apartment that's near book stores, cafes, etc. I'll probably do this in the next 5 years as soon as it's possible (i have to fix a few stuff in my home so that i can sell it and they are expensive). I also have plans to travel by myself. Will it be lonely? Sometimes, yes. But i guess it is better to be lonely and meeting new places than to stay at home feeling sorry for myself. I am an introvert and sometimes i enjoy being on my own but sometimes it hurts. I'll probably have to deal with this for my whole life and i feel i'll be able to.

It is common for married people with kids to either find my life very interesting and fantasize about it or to see it as extremely sad and devoid of meaning. In my opinion, it is neither of those. Not completely bad but not a dream either. I find it amusing how people seem to think one can up and go live kn another country easily or have infinitw funda to travel the world and lead a glamourous life. Health issues never seem to come to mind. The fact that many of us can't just leave our aging parents alone to go live wherever we want also seems to not be noted.

In the present my life is one filled with work obligations. On my weekenda i clean my home, watch Netflix, read, go ro the movies, etc. Sometimes i go out with a friend (i don't have many) and grab a bite afther work. I'm also trying to lose weight, and to be healthier. My parenta live 12 hours away and when i can i spend a few days at their home. They are amazing people. And that's life. Not awful but not an adventure either. It's very mundane, to be fair.

Amen Gabilan I'm fa r too busy to navel gaze!

All those commenting who decided not to have children. Did your body clock not kick in

Scientists conducted a 10 year study into 'baby hunger'

It is a genuine phenomenon - but the feeling of your ticking biological clock has no biological trigger whatsoever. It's socially and cultural. It's not a biological instinct - it's just so ingrained in pronatalist societal assumptions that it feels innate

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-carroll/childfreebb_1752906.html

For women, there is no real evidence to support the notion that there is a biological process that creates that deep longing for a child. And the same for men; there’s no real evidence linking biology to the creation of parental desire.

See also

www.bustle.com/articles/146600-why-womens-biological-clock-ticking-is-actually-a-total-myth

^There has not been a single study that has confirmed the existence of a scientific, hormonal urge that causes women to helplessly desire children. In fact, a decade-long study conducted by Gay and Sandra Brase of Kansas State University and published in 2011 in the academic journal Emotion found that "baby fever" is quite real, for many men and women — but not because of some vague hormonal reason.
The Brases had originally assumed that they'd find a biological trigger tied to our reproductive functions that set off "baby fever" — but they didn't^

There is no biological trigger so not everyone is influenced by external factors in the same way

I don’t know . Assuming that marriage and kids equals happiness is a very hetro normative view
Of the world

Many people have happy lives out of this paradigm

Mainly because they choose friends and hobbies and interests that fulfil them

@Gabilan

Personally I've never felt that being married with kids would somehow give my life some meaning that it otherwise lacks.

Me neither. So you create another generation of humans who - by the same logic - have no "meaning" in their lives until they in turn go on to create the next generation? And so on and so forth.

Somehow I find it hard to picture a forum with mostly male posters fretting over their place in the world as single men!

Must just be a coincidence then lol because most children are planned which means there was a desire to have a baby in the first place

I am just one of those who felt that I needed to have a baby and I’ve seen it happen to other couples and all the millions of couples having ivf because they want a baby so bandly

but fair play there are people who never do

I was just pointing out that fertility also declines, there is no point freezing your eggs at 38 so that option is out.

if she is not sure about being childless forever then it’s something to seriously consider before time runs out on her

There’s a lot of great advice in this thread.

Agree with creating “fluid long term goals” that are realistic. I’d like to pay my mortgage off by X year, get PhD in something which engages me, enjoy day to day life. I think I’m going to be an older woman who does the whole “retreat circuit” during the year

I enjoy the journey towards those goals and that shapes my routine? I think that loose long term goals are good because then you focus on what you need to do to get there.

For finances, buy in “up and coming areas and rent a room out”. Living in a slightly grubby area won’t kill you - oddly enough I’ve lived in cheap areas and my chums who live in “posh” areas have had more burglaries and vandalism than me! Look for location location location. I can walk into town and art galleries and libraries in 5-20 minutes from my place.

Re job/finances etc I also think that a good/professional/enjoyable job can help with social connections etc? People gravitate towards those with similar backgrounds to themselves, and I’ve met older women who feel that they’ve fallen out of the social mainstream because they “just” work as a receptionist or in a shop - but they clearly did have opportunities to retrain but just didn’t choose to take them

Also don’t take what people tell you you “ought” to be doing?

I mean if you don’t like Prosecco and cocktail nights out and random dating and travel then don’t feel you “have” to do them?

I became a mature student and in terms of social opportunities, confidence I’ve got far more out of it than spending a year whale watching or trekking Macha piccua before arriving back home with “nothing but memories” . I’ll have the opportunity to relocate for my PhD and that excites me and I can’t wait

I agree with the pp about “activity based” friendships? I go to meditation, I walk, I eat out, I wild camp - but I do it through things like meet-up. Lots of solo people there.

Don’t go expecting to find your new best friends or confidantes - turn up, be nice, muck in (avoid the skeezy guys who try to pick every woman up ) don’t overshare, leave on time. Keep it light.

Emotional support: everyone needs this, even married people. Loneliness and isolation and feeling like you’re not doing stuff right is the human condition to a certain extent!

Of course if it’s spilling into depression take professional help, but an attitude of “this too will pass” and just leaning into the emotions rather than thinking “if I got married this would not happen” can be helpful.

Don’t hang out with people who are obsessed with dating/defining themselves as “singletons vs the rest of society”/people who aren’t emotionally sorted themselves?

Better doing an overtime shift and watching a comedy episode than hanging out with weird mopey Helen because you feel you’ve got no other choice.

It’s quite easy as a woman solo to end up feeling like you’re expected to be support staff for others - put your energy into getting rid of that mortgage or language classes.

Must just be a coincidence then lol because most children are planned which means there was a desire to have a baby in the first place

A desire? Yes. A need? No.

if she is not sure about being childless forever then it’s something to seriously consider before time runs out on her

I'm sure she's perfectly well aware that her fertility is time-limited.

However, just because 'time is running out' isn't a good enough reason to make an irrevocable decision which will change your life forever, particularly if you have noone to share the immense responsibilities with.

LinkedOut I think if I were your children or your ex-spouse I’d be extremely hurt and probably angry by your view that you were married on auto pilot and that was not your true self.

Your true self isn’t a single unified monolithic thing waiting for you to discover it. It’s who you are -demonstrated by what you do and what you say - moment by moment.

You come across as a rather heartless fantasist.

People do change their minds. They get sterilised and say they don’t want any more children and then get it reversed again

She can’t freeze her eggs now so it’s either have a baby in the next few years or use donor eggs and ivf or adopt which takes forever. If she was to change her mind!

Also seeing my newborns babies faces, those are the best moments in my entire life.

Not getting engaged/married, not graduating the first time. Nothing else really, the novelty of stuff always wears off but It’s something you can’t explain!

The rest of it, the lack of sleep, the changing nappies and how expensive they are lol not so amazing

but holding your newborn baby and seeing them respond to you is something amazing so I would say it’s a massive thing to miss out on while she still has the chance to do it!

But each to their own!

*Must just be a coincidence then lol because most children are planned which means there was a desire to have a baby in the first place

I am just one of those who felt that I needed to have a baby and I’ve seen it happen to other couples and all the millions of couples having ivf because they want a baby so bandly*

Social expectations and conditioning play their part. Lots of people have children without really thinking about it, because “it’s what you do”. I also know people who had children because they felt they ought to, or FOMO..

but holding your newborn baby and seeing them respond to you is something amazing so I would say it’s a massive thing to miss out on while she still has the chance to do it!

There's a bit more to a lifetime of motherhood than holding your newborn baby though. And for someone to become a single mother at nearly 40 would be very daunting.

She can’t freeze her eggs now so it’s either have a baby in the next few years or use donor eggs and ivf or adopt which takes forever. If she was to change her mind!

Or not have a baby at all. Some of us did that, and have never regretted it.