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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you’d do if single, childless and likely to stay that way?

468 replies

muddywatersedge · 19/10/2018 13:41

Aged 38.

OP posts:
Pretendingtobe · 21/10/2018 15:00

I'd love to holiday alone.
I'm 45, with 3 kids, so no chance.
I love them dearly, but a nice week in the sun, with a book, sounds epic!

justwantcheesee · 21/10/2018 15:07

Piss in peace 

shortaris1 · 21/10/2018 15:10

Like Stevie69 I have a lovely FWB and lots of great friends. I wouldn't swap my single, childfree life for anything. It's priceless for me to have freed om. I earn well and do enjoy holidays, long lies and lying in the bath with a glass of fizz in peace. I don't really understand what's not to like? If I was unhappy with aspects of my life I 'd work to change them. Not saying it's easy but we only get one go.

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 15:14

What you seem to be forgetting is that for so,e of us being single is a lonely, miserable experience.

But I'm not forgetting that at all! I've said repeatedly that being single is not for everyone - far from it. But neither is marriage - take a look at the 'Relationships' page if you don't believe me.

What I object to are the blanket statements that 'being single in your 40s is shit'. What is really meant is that for you being single in your 40s is shit. For others, it's fine and the whole 'marriage and babies' thing sounds like a nightmare.

The thought of a FWB makes me feel empty inside.

Again, if that's how you feel, that's OK. But for many women, the arrangement suits them just fine.

shortaris1 · 21/10/2018 15:15

Icedpurple is so right. It's not shit for me either.

continuallychargingmyphone · 21/10/2018 15:15

People can talk about their experiences.

What I do bloody hate though is ‘a bad marriage is worse.’ I don’t ever see anybody berating women in a bad marriage with the fact that being single can be shit or ‘well at least you can have sex on tap op!’

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 15:19

I don’t ever see anybody berating women in a bad marriage with the fact that being single can be shit or ‘well at least you can have sex on tap op!’

Who's 'berating' anyone?

And of course a bad marriage is bad. That's not the same thing as saying the state of being married is in itself bad. Similarly, being single is neither good nor bad - it totally depends on the circumstances. But the attitude here seems to be that being single (at least if you're a woman, even though statistically single women are happier than single men) is neccessarily a bad thing. Some single women are unhappy. Some married women are unhappy. And vice versa. It all depends on the individual and their circumstances.

alfiesmam · 21/10/2018 15:20

@justwantcheese Grin

Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 15:25

I think though, married women who are unhappy have choices. They can stay. Or they can leave/split up.

A single woman who is at a crossroads at 38 thinking, ok, so what do I do next doesn't have the choice to choose marriage.

The most unhappy I've ever been was in an unhappy marriage. There is no loneliness like it. When you're truly on your own your thoughts have space to lead you to a more resilient place I think, whereas when you're lonely with somebody abusive/critical/depressed right there it's harder to find peace.

mumto2babyboys · 21/10/2018 15:25

All those commenting who decided not to have children. Did your body clock not kick in and at some point you felt the need or did you leave it tonlate and

continuallychargingmyphone · 21/10/2018 15:26

Berating someone means rebuking or reprimanding them.

In this instance, women who are single are being berated (rebuked, scolded) with the fact that women in bad marriages have it ‘worse.’

mumto2babyboys · 21/10/2018 15:28

Leave it Too late and then you didn’t mind not having children or how does it work?

For me and others I’ve seen it happen, I definitely just one day thought i want a baby! Where as before my fertility clock kicked in i was always planning on waiting and seeing and not bothered about children at all

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 15:29

I think though, married women who are unhappy have choices. They can stay. Or they can leave/split up.

Yes, but often at huge cost - financially and emotionally - particularly if they have children. Which is why so many couples just grit their teeth and continue in a dead marriage.

A single woman who is at a crossroads at 38 thinking, ok, so what do I do next doesn't have the choice to choose marriage.

Why not? Lots of people that age and considerably older get married. You're right in saying that it's not entirely within an individual's power as of course you have to find someone who you want to marry and who wants to marry you. But it is certainly possible.

Not to mention that a single person has lots of options a married person does not, particularly if they have children. OK, some of the possibilities listed here are a bit unrealistic, but still, if you're single, in good health and reasonably financially stable you do have choices which are not available to those who are coupled up.

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 15:32

All those commenting who decided not to have children. Did your body clock not kick in

Body clock? What's that?

If I have such a device it never 'kicked in'. And given that I am now well into my 40s I doubt it ever will. I can look at a baby and think they're cute but I've never wanted one myself, much less the whole lifestyle that inevitably goes with them. In fact, whenever I spend time with friends who have young children it only confirms me that I made the right choice - for me.

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 15:34

In this instance, women who are single are being berated (rebuked, scolded) with the fact that women in bad marriages have it ‘worse.’

I don't think they're being 'berated'. I think people are just pointing out that the state of marriage isn't by neccessity a happy one, what with nearly half ending in divorce.

shortaris1 · 21/10/2018 15:38

No big decision here mummy I don't particularly like kids (though my friends have lovely ones) and wouldn't be willing to give up my time, money and freedom for them. I wouldn't get a pet either, I like being able to do what I want.

Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 15:42

Nobody, married or single, is free from the possibility of one day examining their life and wondering what meaning it has. That is good surely. A husband and kids can distract you from that question from longer I suspect.

I am single so I"m not imagining the life of a single woman as anything, never mind regarding it as a pitiful life, I"m living it and looking forward to when my DC are older and I have a bit more freedom. I'm long term single, and comparing is futile (a pursuit for the ego), but I think I'm more content with my life than is average (all marital statuses included).

I do not judge FWB arrangements but I would argue that they're meaningful. If you think that the OP sounds like this is the answer she's been looking for, we took different things from her OP. She doesn't sound like an FWB arrangement is what she's looking for.

She sounds like she has the freedom in her single life to ask herself, what next, what choices do I have. She's looking for inspiration, so @stevie69 there's no need to say ''you my friend are not me''!

We are all just posting our own thoughts. Thought that was a given.

I'm single and in my late forties and my life is not shit so, I"m sure nothing about my posts implied that I thought single life was shit!
I dont' feel that it is so why would my posts be inferred that way.

I offered advice for somebody who has yet to get to that place.

I'm very consciously working on becoming a braver more sociable person so that I don't need somebody to go places with.

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 15:46

If you think that the OP sounds like this is the answer she's been looking for, we took different things from her OP. She doesn't sound like an FWB arrangement is what she's looking for.

As I said above, the OP seems to have left the thread and hasn't given us much to work with, so it's hard to say what it is that she's looking for.

So for that reason, it's changed into more of a general discussion on the pros and cons of single life.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 21/10/2018 15:51

It is not so easy to choose marriage as you need to find a man who also wants marriage.
There seems to be more single women in their late 30’s and 40’s then there are decent men who are looking to commit.
I have a male relative who a couple of years ago found himself single for the first time in 20 years. He decided to give internet dating a go and he could have had a different woman every week if he so chose.
He is nothing special but has all his own hair and teeth and is solvent but is no Danial Craig.
He stopped internet dating as he felt too much of an air of desperation and he was some how seen as someone’s last chance rather than someone he really clicked with.
He did find someone in real life and they are happy together now a few years later.

IcedPurple · 21/10/2018 15:54

It is not so easy to choose marriage as you need to find a man who also wants marriage.

Maybe not easy, but it's certainly possible. Women can and do get married in their 40s, and later.

is no Danial Craig.

That's OK. Daniel Craig doesn't look much like Daniel Craig these days either!

TubeTop · 21/10/2018 15:55

That was a wonderful post @brookeberry
Thank you

stevie69 · 21/10/2018 15:58

All those commenting who decided not to have children. Did your body clock not kick in

No! In a word.

stevie69 · 21/10/2018 16:00

I have a lovely FWB and lots of great friends. I wouldn't swap my single, childfree life for anything. It's priceless for me to have freed om. I earn well and do enjoy holidays, long lies and lying in the bath with a glass of fizz in peace. I don't really understand what's not to like? If I was unhappy with aspects of my life I 'd work to change them. Not saying it's easy but we only get one go.

Perfectly put Smile Tis exactly how I feel too.

Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 16:02

@icedpurple, yes I know about the financial cost of leaving a bad marriage. It was a choice within my power to make though. I have never felt I could choose to get married again though as there was nobody I could have married. I don't think like that any more though. That phase has passed.

stevie69 · 21/10/2018 16:17

I do not judge FWB arrangements but I would argue that they're meaningful.

Fine. It's not for you then.