To ask what you’d do if single, childless and likely to stay that way?

[muddywatersedge]

Aged 38.

From what you have said you sound like you are unhappy with your situation and feeling lonely. I think I would focus on things that I had some control over. One small change at a time so it doesn't feel insurmountable. If single then my long term aim might be to find better paid employment so I had more choices over where I lived. That might mean looking for some retraining. Not as exciting as dropping everything to save lives in Africa but maybe more achievable?

I would go abroad and work for Emirates or Ethiad and fly the world.

But the thing is most people do know as they were single before and there are lots of people going through what you are with children at home added to the mix and no partner

It’s not the same. When you’re single and young, you expect to meet someone. As time goes on, you have to come to terms with the fact that that probably won’t happen.

Saying it’s worse for people raising children on their own on a thread where the op is clearly coming to terms with the fact she’s likely not to have them is incredibly insensitive.

I'm coming from a perspective where I travelled a lot with my ex husband. We've been all over the world, before and after kids. But the most important journey I've ever had to take was learning how to be alone and content

So many posters are saying how hard it is financially to be alone or how there's no one to help with anything.

I understand the sentiment but because I was alone whilst married. Ex did not contribute either financially or by assisting with anything. We did not have holidays together or, in fact, left house together that much (hardly ever).

I am single now and would choose this truly single life over alone-whilst-married life any day!

Why? Because it’s not your life and you’re not facing it alone

Yep. Seems to be that way as those of us who are living that life in our 40's are trying to say that actually it can be a bit shit, or a lot shit, depending on the day.

These threads always turn out this way:
Oh I’d fly around the world and have many lovers and go mountain climbing and sip champagne in the Seychelles

I'm single with children, and currently at uni so I can understand the single and skint perspective.

One thing you have on me is time. I'd supplement my income with matched betting to pay off the mortgage faster. I'd also become a gym bunny, get more tattoos and learn photography. Or play World of Warcraft, but they would take up allll my spare time!

A lot of it depends on what you want from life. Can you write a list of what you want to achieve in the next 10 years OP? We could help you work out how to achieve it.

Oh I’d fly around the world and have many lovers and go mountain climbing and sip champagne in the Seychelles hmmhmm

Yep. Look, if you really were cut out to be an international woman of mystery if it weren't for those pesky kids then you would never have married a guy in middle management, had three kids and bought a suburban semi in the first place.

I'd work a four day week and focus on finding hobbies / activities on a long weekend that bring me in to alignment with my true self. Unemcumbered by responsibility. For me that'd be more exercise, art (clay sculptures) dress design, looking after myself more, become vegan, read more, instead of going to church I'd schedule in a weekly volunteering slot. For women's Aid I think.

I've read finding meaning in the second half of life by james hollis phd OP and i really recommend it for anybody who feels like they're at a crossroads. I feel like that. Single but with tweens and wondering, what next, more and more futile attempts to date, the 'full life' but still some residual hope / expectation of meeting somebody? Can I let go of it? Should I? Would I be reclaiming my true self if I gave up that expectation or would I be selling myself short if I gave up on that outcome? Going to read Richard Rohr's Immortal Diamond next. I love all of these books. I read them nodding. Not sure I ever close the last page and think now I have it all figured out but they keep your thinking in the right lane.

Seems to be that way as those of us who are living that life in our 40's are trying to say that actually it can be a bit shit, or a lot shit, depending on the day.

Well.... some of you are. I'm also childfree, single and in my 40s and I'm happy that way. Not saying there aren't downsides - there are downsides with every lifestyle - but on the whole I certainly would not change it. I see my friends who've gone down the family route and don't envy their lives one bit.

I think the problem with this thread is that the OP seems to have abandoned it, so we really don't know what her personal circumstances and attitudes are. So people are basicially indulging in their often realistic fantasies of what single life is all about - as others have said, just because you're single it doesn't mean you can or even want to head off on a round the world sailing trip tomorrow. At the same time, we've got other posters assuming being single and in your 40s is a terrible thing - which it can be, but so can being in an unhappy marriage with kids in your 40s. All life choices have their good and bad sides.

This is an interesting thread, however have to say as a single person (albeit with kids so not in OP's shoes) the ''go travelling'' and ''go on holiday'' suggestions are missing the point slightly. ??? Quite apart from the fact that there's the question of who to go with, the bigger question is how to live your normal life. The life that is your life when you're not on holiday. Maya Angelou said something about belonging everywhere and nowhere. That gave me food for thought. You are you wherever you are. And if you take a 'you' that experiences solitude as loneliness then that 'you' is still with you on the other side of the world.
OP, I feel like I'm grappling with some of the same questions. Right now I want a meaningful life and I"m trying to create the right shape of life.

Brene Browne has written a few books about bravery. We all feel so vulnerable, to exposure to various ''humiliations'' as we perceive them. Those books are on my to read list.

I need to go on holiday but to READ the books that I believe (optimistically!) will give me insight and answers.

AjasLipstick

Taffeta so were many of us. It's not comparable to a woman of 40 plus facing single, child-free life.

Er, yes I know. Did you read past my first sentence?

I've got about a decade on you, but feel exactly the same way. I LOVE being alone. Not all the time sure, but I could happily go days on end without talking to another person. I kind of create my own little world. That might sound a bit batty but seeing as my job involves me dealing with other people all the time, and as I've never had any complaints and in fact get praised for my rapport with others, clearly I'm quite capable of being sociable when required

This. Exactly this. I have a FWB too which suits perfectly

I can't think of anything that would depress me more than a fwb. It would just high light how I didn't find a real connection that was mutually valuable and exclusive.

If it works for you great but it isn't any sort of answer to finding meaning in the second half of life as a single woman.

I agree with others who've said that financial concerns ARE a restriction. Suggestions to go travelling are a little blinkered if you're in a low to minimum wage job with nobody to shore you up financially.

I am OK now (secure, not wealthy) but I have a decade on the OP. I would think through options that give security. Moving to a cheaper location, buying a two bed place near a station and renting second room out, even for five years, just to get financial security.

Travelling is lovely but realistically one doesn't want to be poverty stricken in old age.

Also, to those saying they understand because they were single once, it is totally different as you age. A lot of married women don't understand that part of the value society places on them is their value as one half of a couple. Having a partner or husband is perceived to be a validation of sorts in our society. Try being single in your late forties and separating your value as a person from your value as a woman. There is a distinction and there is a need to be conscious of your value as a person even if society doesn't view you as a valuable woman. The need to value yourself is paramount. The need to be honest with yourself about the structure of life that you want (career, City/suburb/part time/full time/cats/academia/going hell for leather dating) needs to be thought through very consciously I think.

If it works for you great but it isn't any sort of answer to finding meaning in the second half of life as a single woman.

But... this is assuming that single women in their 40s and above are desperately seeking 'meaning'. Just because we haven't reproduced or got a husband doesn't mean our lives lack 'meaning' (whatever that is). It's incredibly patronising to assume it does. Maybe stevie just likes no strings sex. Lots of women do. Not every woman, sure, but stevie didn't make that claim.

Try being single in your late forties and separating your value as a person from your value as a woman

I'm single and in my 40s and have never - or very rarely - felt myself stigmatised because I'm single. If some people look down on me because I haven't burdened myself (as I see it) with a husband and kids, that's their problem, not mine.

Those painting single life as though it is some sort of calamity should remember that numerous studies have shown that the happiest people tend to be married men, and single women.

Can people stop complaining about the positive comments on this thread? I appreciate some of them aren’t particularly attainable but people are obviously trying to be positive and upbeat to make OP feel better.

I think complaining is the wrong word. People are pointing out that for the most part they are unrealistic and in some cases bizarre.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet but for most females the desire to have a baby is a real thing, your body clock starts ticking and when ttc it can become an obsessive feeling. It happened to me and I’ve seen it happen to lots of friends who said they didn’t want children... then had them.

At 38 egg quality and fertility will have already started to decline so i would say. Think very very carefully about having children or not before it’s too late to have them. At 38 you still have time to try on your own with a sperm donor.

As the saying goes there is never a ‘good’ time to have children but you most certainly will lose the option to ever have them if you leave it too late.

I’m recently single but I have children, I miss my old life without them it was so much more exciting

but holding your newborn baby is the most amazing thing in the world so do carefully consider not having children.

Those painting single life as though it is some sort of calamity should remember that numerous studies have shown that the happiest people tend to be married men, and single women

What you seem to be forgetting is that for so,e of us being single is a lonely, miserable experience. I wish I was happy and content with my lot, but I'm not. I didn't choose to be single and childless and so I feel cheated out of the life that I should be living. Obviously I can cope on a daily basis and manage pretty well - I have to because I have to earn a living to support myself and because I'm self employed (as is most people in my niche field) I can't waste money on holidays or all these things single women are supposed to be doing because I have to keep the roof over my own head and pay the bills. I can't even take sick leave and when I eventually retire, if I retire, I'll have to sell my house.
The thought of a FWB makes me feel empty inside. I like sex, but only in a meaningful relationship and I haven't had that since my husband died.

can't think of anything that would depress me more than a fwb. It would just high light how I didn't find a real connection that was mutually valuable and exclusive

Well, in the words of one of my favourite songs: 'Well, my fair weather friend; I am not you". And I'm really not looking for "a real connection that is mutually valuable and exclusive".

The mutually valuable connection itself is present. Exclusivity? Not necessary for me right now. He's having some fun before he finds someone to settle down with. And I'm just having some fun. It's all good

but only in a meaningful relationship

My arrangement has meaning

What meaning does it have?

He's a friend. It has the same meaning as my other friendships but with a bit extra on top. My friends are hugely important in my life.