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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 19/10/2018 19:24

(Doesn't the Mirena coil release a hormone gradually, though?)

I don’t know. All I knew is I got terrible side effects. My libido disappeared, I was constantly headachy and crampy in my stomach.

I was agitated and irritable.

Plus when we did finally dtd, it hurt inside my stomach with dh actually feeling the mirena and some points.

Both of us were glad to get rid of it

Now I know not everyone gets these side effects but I won’t risk it anymore.

GoatWithACoat · 19/10/2018 19:24

Mine complained it might hurt.

I had suffered an eptopic pregnancy, the loss of a Fallopian tube, near death from internal bleeding as a result, a precipitous labour that nearly sent me mad with agony, a tear, following on from that an unplanned pregnancy and to finish off Adenomyosis as a result of an adherent placenta during last labour.

I don’t know what ‘look’ I gave him when he said ‘it might hurt’ but I remember the fury as I looked at him. I remember he quickly shut up and looked like he was withering away.

Anyhoo, hes had it done ✂️ 💦

Bumpitybumper · 19/10/2018 19:26

18% of women that use condoms as the only method of birth control will get pregnant in any given year. Think how many reproductive years OP has left and multiply that number accordingly. Even if you account for dwindling fertility over time, I absolutely would not take these odds with full knowledge that my DH absolutely didn't want another child and I didn't want a termination.

Withdrawing sex would not be blackmail, it would be absolutely sensible given the above and I challenge anyone to argue otherwise.

Juells · 19/10/2018 19:26

sonandhelpneeded

holasoydora and Juells but we know that OP has issues with hormone contraception because she stated it in the first post ...,

I know, that's why I said that condoms were the best compromise.

mbosnz · 19/10/2018 19:27

Blueskiesandforests, that was one hell of a post.

When I said that we've been relying on condoms for 13 years (actually 15) because we're so useless we never got around to organising the vasectomy - there have been times that I've felt 'hmmm, that felt like it could be a whoopsy' and used the MAP as a back-up. As I said, I'm pro-choice, and I was okay with that. If I was not, or if that really messed with me physically or mentally, then obviously I/we would have been a lot more pro-active about pursuing safer alternatives - because I'm Myrtle the fertile Turtle.

It's NOT just the woman's job to ensure a lack of pregnancy and for the man (or them both - but somehow the focus usually seems to be on the man) to enjoy a healthy sexual life.

Fluffyghost · 19/10/2018 19:28

Just putting it out there but would any women on this thread that have a blind vasectomy or no sex view advocate women pursuing a permanent method of sterilization that increases their risk of a female cancers later in life? Or it it just acceptable to pressure men into permanent methods of sterilization that increses their risk of prostate cancer and that cancer being the more dangerous metatastic kind?

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:29

@Juells but you didn't acknowledge that the MAP wasn't?

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:33

@Fluffyghost please link the relevant research?

Also could you link the research for long term issues for women using long term hormonal contraception while you're at it?

I'd like to compare the two.

You do know the male pill was withdrawn due to the unknown side effects?

ChristmasAccountant · 19/10/2018 19:37

I had this conversation with my DH a year or so ago and he refused to have a vasectomy and condoms were our choice going forward.
I’m now 6 months pregnant with number 3 after a condom failure. We’re both looking forward to the new one now but it took a long time to accept.

MulticolourMophead · 19/10/2018 19:38

You do know the male pill was withdrawn due to the unknown side effects?

The article I read suggested the side effects were at the level considered minor compared to women's hormonal contraception. I reckon they stopped the trial too soon.

sar302 · 19/10/2018 19:40

@sonandhelpneeded
I've said the OP could, as in it is possible. Not that she should. I also said that the husband needs to accept that any sexual relationship could end in him having a further child - acknowledging that whilst OP could end the pregnancy, It's not that she should.

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:40

@MulticolourMophead I agree! It was a tongue in cheek remark to a poster who tried to say the link with vasectomy and cancer was above female contraception risks.

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:41

@sar302 and the DH could have a vasectomy

blueskiesandforests · 19/10/2018 19:42

mbossnz Blush I guess it was.

It's a subject close to my heart because after the delivery by cesarean section of my dc3 DH and I were warned that another pregnancy would be very high risk for both a potential infant and to my life.

Before his conception hormonal contraception had begun to cause me quite nasty problems, after using it on and off for almost 20 years, and I'd been offered a copper coil and been told it would need to be inserted under anesthesia for specific reasons in my case. I wasn't willing to do that and told DH the ball was in his court after me having taken all the responsibility for over a decade we'd been together. DH and I decided to take a see what happens approach and ended up with dc3, but after the surgeon warned us that the condition of the scaring on my womb would make a 4th pregnancy incredibly dangerous that wasn't an option.

We used condoms after dc3 was born but I was constantly thinking about the risk of pregnancy and it utterly killed my sex drive. We still had sex but fear of pregnancy dominated my mind.

DH wasn't keen to have a vasectomy initially but did eventually. I spent 4 years in fear of the consequences of a condom failing and I think it's permanently deminished my sex drive tbh.

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:42

@Fluffyghost and female hormonal contraception statistics?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 19:42

Perhaps I should research vasectomies myself before pressing on at my husband any more. I think I see it as the easy solution without actually knowing much about it. It seems to be so commonplace these days that it seems ‘normal’ to suggest it.

OP posts:
sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:45

@QueenofmyPrinces your husbands refusal was based on level of pain, or scientific knowledge!

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 19:45

I spent 4 years in fear of the consequences of a condom failing and I think it's permanently deminished my sex drive tbh.

Exactly - I haven’t even been able to bring myself to have PIV because I’m so full of dread. We are only in our 30’s so plenty of time left for an active sex life but I can’t see how I could ever actually enjoy it with the weight of this hanging over me.

OP posts:
sar302 · 19/10/2018 19:45

@Soubriquet

I think originally talked about ending the pregnancy safely. That does include both MAPs and termination. But it is possible in an emergency. Which is all it would be given that condoms used correctly are 97% effective. And the OP may not want to. And that's fine too. So her husband would have to deal with that. As I said in my post.

twiglet · 19/10/2018 19:46

OP the only 100% effective contraceptive is no sex.....

All others are between 91-99% you can also use natural family planning in addition which again can be 99% effective if followed properly.

sar302 · 19/10/2018 19:46

@sonandhelpneeded

He could. It he doesn't want to. Like the OP could use condoms. It she doesn't want to.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 19:48

@QueenofmyPrinces your husbands refusal was based on level of pain, or scientific knowledge!

He had simply said he think it will hurt.

Based on what’s been said on this thread about the risks involved I can’t see how it’s going to work in my favour if I tell him to actually research it....

OP posts:
sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:51

@sar302 you do know termination is not a form of contraception don't you?