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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
sar302 · 19/10/2018 18:55

@LeftRightCentre Read the rest of my post about the concept of "joint".

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 18:56

My point is that if condoms are used properly there should be no requirement for a back up plan!

IF used properly
SHOULD be no requirement

The OPS DH 100% does not want another child...... so sort it out then?

mbosnz · 19/10/2018 18:57

No, she is refusing that option (as she is fully entitled to do, just as he is entitled to refuse a vasectomy), because she doesn't want to have it. That is EXACTLY the same reason he is refusing the option of a vasectomy. She is just as entitled to refuse that option because she doesn't want that option as he is because he doesn't want that option.

Quite correct - she wouldn't be so upset if she got pregnant again - he however, would be. So surely, the onus is on him to explore HIS options to ensure that this does not happen? He's the one who has the issues with potentially being responsible for a pregnancy that is the consequence of his sexual activities/actions. . .

Actions = consequences. Whether you like them or not, whether you want them or not - doesn't make you any less responsible for 'em.

TulipsInBloom1 · 19/10/2018 19:01

OP you are totally right that aside from vasectomy, any issues would be yours to manage. Its properly fucking shit.

Id just say no sex. No babies, no scares, no hormones. No sex. Or should I say no PIV. He can decide whether he wants to ammend his sex life to forego the snip or ammend his reproductivity to keep his sex life.

Soubriquet · 19/10/2018 19:01

For you, there is a safe, reliable method of ending the pregnancy if you wish to, knowing he doesn't want another child

Are you a woman?! This is a despicable thing to say. Terminations are not a fucking walk in the park.

It’s ending a potential life that the OP wanted.

I haven’t had a termination but I have had a miscarriage and it was fucking shit. It hurt worse than a normal period pain and I was gutted I was losing my baby

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 19:04

I’m basically being told that if I get get pregnant then I’ve got to have a termination.

Then you honestly need to tell him to go straight to fuck with that line of thinking and only an utter fuckwit would expect a person to have a termination she doesn't want. 'You need to realise that I will NOT use MAP or have a termination, so if you're willing to go along with condoms it's in the knowledge that neither of these will be happening should they fail and if you won't grow up and accept that, we need to talk about avoiding PIV sex because I don't want to be a single mum of 3 but I won't have an abortion I don't want, either.'

tiredgirly · 19/10/2018 19:07

i think you would be very selfish to your dh and more important the baby you create , to bring it into a world where it is not wanted by its own father.

Rebecca36 · 19/10/2018 19:09

Vasectomy can cause problems (& frequently does) in later life. I won't go into details, anyone can google.

I don't want any man to get out of contraception, just being pragmatic.

Sterilisation means you are in control! I feel sorry for anyone who had a post-sterilisation infection but, honestly, that is rare. Most people get over it quickly.

There is, of course, a diaphragm. You could try one. No form of contraception is 100% safe but if people really want to avoid conception, they usually do.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 19:10

i think you would be very selfish to your dh and more important the baby you create , to bring it into a world where it is not wanted by its own father.

So yet again it’s the woman who is in the wrong for whatever she does or whatever decision she makes.

Perhaps seeing as the man is so adamant he doesn’t want a child and that any pregnancy would be completely unwanted by him then he should care enough to do something to completely prevent that from happening, like getting a vasectomy?

OP posts:
reallyreallynow · 19/10/2018 19:10

@tiredgirly are you being serious! You do know that it takes two people to make a baby don't you!

So how the fuck would OP be selfish but poor DH who is scared of a bit of pain and won't have a vasectomy is justified?

mbosnz · 19/10/2018 19:11

The dude is wanting all his pleasure, none of the pain, none of the responsibility, and for his partner to lose all of her personal bodily autonomy or right to choose so as to preserve his benefits, plus let's put emotional blackmail 'it would be selfish to have a child when we don't both want it/ it would break up our family unit' into the equation.

I'd be mildly ticky about his attitude.

Soubriquet · 19/10/2018 19:11

i think you would be very selfish to your dh and more important the baby you create , to bring it into a world where it is not wanted by its own father.

Gosh yes mustn’t be unfair to dh now should she.

Let’s not forget the fact that OP suffers compilations to taking birth control. Oh no, he has to come first Hmm

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 19:12

There is, of course, a diaphragm. You could try one. No form of contraception is 100% safe but if people really want to avoid conception, they usually do.

To be honest I think I’m just going to have to suck it up and take extra precautions myself because I don’t see how else things can be resolved. He doesn’t want a vasectomy so if I want to make sure I don’t get pregnant so as to avoid a termination then it’s on me isn’t it.

OP posts:
sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:13

@tiredgirly selfish to her DH to get pregnant, yeah he's a true diamond not taking contraception controls and then his wife goes and gets pregnant just to annoy him!

I do wonder at the mentality of posters such a ms @tiredgirly and what life they are living!

sar302 · 19/10/2018 19:14

@Soubriquet

Yes I am a woman, and I have a baby. I have also used the morning after pill twice before and don't regret either time:

  • once aged 17 when my boyfriend put a condom on incorrectly.
  • once with my now husband, when the condom broke only four months into our relationship.

Neither time did I view it as "ending a life" and there are many women who share my view. And yes, in this country, we benefit from having a safe, reliable method of ending pregnancy. Many women around the world do not. It shouldn't be used as daily contraception, and it can be very traumatic, but it it is available.

There is also a difference between me choosing to take the MAP and you having experienced a miscarriage - and I would never equate the two.

But this is not a pro-life debate. I have stated that the OP could use the MAP if she wants to if she's worried about condoms. I've also stated that her partner threatening to leave her if she got pregnant, is a shitty thing to do. My responses are fairly balanced I feel.

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:15

@sar302

Those beliefs are yours, not the OPs perhaps, so accept that?

Soubriquet · 19/10/2018 19:16

God this thread shows how ingrained it is for women to bend over backwards so the men can have an easy and comfortable life.

Mustn’t let the men suffer

Juells · 19/10/2018 19:16

Honestly, when I read some of the threads and posts on MN I wonder what kind of brainwashing is done to women in their childhoods, that they think any old shit is good enough for us.

The reasonable compromise, if the husband doesn't want a vasectomy and the wife doesn't want to take hormones, is to use condoms and accept the very small risk of pregnancy that goes with that. Expecting the wife to have a termination if there's a pregnancy is not reasonable.

blueskiesandforests · 19/10/2018 19:17

Makeahouse are you reading what you write? It's jaw dropping.

You are insisting that its right and fair that the woman take all the risks to facilitate a hetrosexual couple's sex life because the man shouldn't have to face any consequences! Your basis for the argument is that women should want to have sex as much as men do. How you leap from that assumption to women accepting all possible negative consequences and men none at all is incomprehensible.

If condoms don't fail everyone is fine, no major consequences for either partner

except that this isn't true because the woman, knowing she is expected to bare 100% if the consequences if they fail has this worry on her mind every single time they have sex, inhibiting her enjoyment.

In the world of Makeahouse

If condoms fail there are 3 possible outcomes:

  1. Woman takes morning after pill, which is hormonal contraception and taking it against her will is an invasion of bodily autonomy, it can be unpleasant and bring on an extra heavy and painful period and has possible side effects.

Woman doesn't take morning after pill (through choice or because the failure of the condom went unnoticed - split or slip invisible to the passing observation of the couple or even if the husband notices and fails to say in the heat of the moment

  1. Woman gets an abortion against her wishes and bodily autonomy, which is a generally unpleasant experience with potential physical and mental health consequences.

  2. woman remains pregnant and makeahouse absolves him if any and all responsibility, leaving woman financially, emotionally and physically 100% responsible for the side effect of his contraceptive choice.

The man cannot suffer any negative consequences, if he doesn't want to. If the man doesn't want to face negative consequences this, according to makeahouse means the woman must take on all the potential possible negative consequences and the worry about contraception failing and having to compromise her bodily autonomy to spare him any consequences at all.

Makeahouse points out she should want to have sex as much as he does but posts as though she should be so grateful for sex that she should be willing to do anything to her body to facilitate sex with a man who is free to decide he doesn't want any consequences so expects her to accept all of them on her behalf.

Soubriquet · 19/10/2018 19:17

@sar302

I’m not talking about the MAP.

You said she could just get a termination if all else fails.

Not a quick emergency contraceptive

holasoydora · 19/10/2018 19:19

We use condoms. I have only ever got pregnant when we haven't used them!

Juells · 19/10/2018 19:21

BTW I've used the MAP in the past and it didn't bother me, but the OP has the right not to want to mess with her hormones.

(Doesn't the Mirena coil release a hormone gradually, though?)

holasoydora · 19/10/2018 19:21

Ps I'm with Juells.

holasoydora · 19/10/2018 19:22

Oh and I have also taken the MAP after one broke and it had no side effects for me.

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 19:24

@holasoydora and @Juells but we know that OP has issues with hormone contraception because she stated it in the first post ...,

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