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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
SimplySteve · 19/10/2018 17:39

Tell your hubby it doesn't hurt, that a man confirmed it doesn't, and that he should stop being selfish and step up.

MumW · 19/10/2018 17:40

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but I'm Shock at
His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm
because, of course, a c-section and difficult coil insertion/removal was just a walk in the park for you.

Tell him to man up and take responsibility or else sex is at his own risk. .
You'd like another child so you will not be able to go for a termination. However, you have to accept he's done but it's now his turn to deal with contraception.

Soubriquet · 19/10/2018 17:42

My dh had a vasectomy a year ago.

He agreed that I had done the painful job of birthing children and that hormonal contraception didn’t agree with me.

He has had no complications. He occasionally gets a pain in the ball area but he said compared to my period pains, his is a walk in the park.

He is very supportive.

I say stick to your guns. If you get pregnant because he has refused, then he is having another child

lovetherisingsun · 19/10/2018 17:44

You just tell him, OP, if there's an accident you will not take MAP or have a termination you don't want

^^This. Why on earth are people saying it's "blackmailing him into getting a vasectomy"??!! Are you serious? He is expecting her to get an abortion if HIS chosen contraception fails and she gets pregnant. He is expecting her to have to terminate a life, because he refuses to have more children but expects HER to have to deal with the consequences of HIS sperm. SMH.

Soubriquet · 19/10/2018 17:48

Also, isn’t it ironic that the male contraception pill was taken off the market due to side effects.

Exactly the same side effects women get, yet it’s not deemed acceptable for men to suffer them. The poor lambs Hmm

mbosnz · 19/10/2018 18:07

OP, for me and DH, we are so done having kids, both of us. And I'm done when it comes to the pill and will not have any sort of implant. DH is fine to have a vasectomy - but we're the kind of hopeless twats that haven't got round to it. It's only been 13 years years since I had my last dd. We've been lucky enoughto get by on condoms.

Many moons ago, I had a boyfriend, who knew I was pro-choice, and open to having a termination if circumstances required. We basically had that conversation before we had sex. I think he placed an overreliance on that. When we broke up, it was interesting how the blood drained from his face when it came up in conversation that his new girlfriend was very firmly anti-abortion and would never have a termination no matter what. . . Some men really do seem to think it is ALL about what they want, and they make an awful lot of assumptions based on that belief.

In a relationship there has to be give and take. He was giving in terms of accepting a second child. It doesn't sound like you're the kind of person who would manufacture an 'accident' to get a third child even though you would quite like one, you're respectful of his firm desire to stick at two.

But you've been very giving in terms of taking all responsibility for contraception, despite the discomfort and health issues it has caused for you, very giving in being the one who carried and bore his children, and not in easy circumstances (okay, this isn't one of those situations where we can choose who can do what, in a heterosexual relationship!)

What I'm really hearing from you is that you'd quite like him to show a similar willingness to share some of the pain here, and to show a little bit of recognition for how long you have been doing all the hard physical labour (no pun intended), in enabling you guys to enjoy a good sex life, while limiting the number of children you have, to the number you have agreed upon?

sar302 · 19/10/2018 18:15

I get pissed off that contraception seems to fall to the woman - at 34 I've already been on the pill for nearly 20 years!

But whilst I'm 99.99% sure that I don't want other child, I wouldn't get sterilised. Because of that 0.01%

I think the wider issue here is that for men who wish to be sexually active and want to be responsible for contraception, the choice is use condoms, or be sterile. If your partner won't use condoms, you're a bit stuck!

There should be much greater focus in the medical community on temporary male contraception, and then this would be a none issue. As with most issues however, it falls to women to sort everything out. Again 

I also fail to be impressed by the "it might hurt" argument. As if my 52hr labour was all fun and rainbows and I have no ongoing complications at all a year later. Oh, wait...

ferrier · 19/10/2018 18:23

Condoms are 98% effective if used properly.

busybarbara · 19/10/2018 18:25

So you're about the one in a hundred times a condom doesn't work properly multiplied by the one in god knows what chance of conceiving multiplied by the one in a hundred chance the morning after pill doesn't work.. I'm sure in that one in a ten thousand chance you could acquiesce and get a termination at 8 weeks or so.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 18:28

I just want to feel that things are fair and we share the burden and decisions equally as opposed to him getting what he wants whilst I panic about getting pregnant.

I mean, what position am I in?

Wife: I can’t take hormonal contraception, I’ve had Coils for 8 years and haven’t had good experiences, so seeing as you’re so adamant you don’t want any more children would you consider yourself looking into vasectomies?

Husband: No. We will just have to use condoms.

Wife: Amd if they fail?

Husband: Well you will just have to take the MAP.

Wife: And if that fails? Will you just expect me to have an abortion?

The next bit is based on some posters views on the situation...

Husband: If you won’t terminate and chose to continue a pregnancy that I don’t want then I’m going to leave you.

How can any woman think that’s ok??? Baffling.

OP posts:
huttub · 19/10/2018 18:33

Why don't you tell him you're taking the coil out and if he chooses to have sex and it results in a baby you're having it. If he says if you get pregnant I'll leave you tell him you'll not have sex with him then.

He's being a dick about his dick!

MakeAHouseAHome · 19/10/2018 18:33

Point is OP if this was a couple where neither person wanted a child, and condoms failed, they would take MAP or terminate. You are refusing that option because YOU want a child. That is your choice, but your husband shouldn't have to stand by you when you willingly take a choice that goes against his.

And again, I assume if you are in a happy marriage you boh want sex together equally? So why is everyone saying 'if he won't have a vasectomy then withold sex'. Well what if he is prepared to NOT have sex because he refuses to be pushed into having a vasectomy.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 18:37

To be honest if my options are either being forced into having a termination I don’t want or becoming a single mother to 3 then I think having no sex is the only answer.

OP posts:
Juells · 19/10/2018 18:38

Point is OP if this was a couple where neither person wanted a child, and condoms failed, they would take MAP or terminate. You are refusing that option because YOU want a child. That is your choice, but your husband shouldn't have to stand by you when you willingly take a choice that goes against his.

I'm genuinely wondering if you have some kind of victim mentality that you think all women should share.

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 18:38

Point is OP if this was a couple where neither person wanted a child, and condoms failed, they would take MAP or terminate. You are refusing that option because YOU want a child.

She's refusing it because she doesn't want hormones in her body or a medical procedure done on her body. Are you that thick? Hmm

That is your choice, but your husband shouldn't have to stand by you when you willingly take a choice that goes against his.

And again, any person who behaves like this is an utter cunt who really isn't worth staying with in the first place. Who'd be attracted to such a dickhead of a person?

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 18:42

To be honest if my options are either being forced into having a termination I don’t want or becoming a single mother to 3 then I think having no sex is the only answer.

Then tell him that, along with, 'There will be no MAP and no abortion if the condoms fail and the thought of it makes me disinclined to have penetrative sex.'

reallyreallynow · 19/10/2018 18:42

@MakeAHouseAHome since the when the fuck was taking the MAP a we? Then they would use the MAP?

On that assumption perhaps THEY should have a vasectomy!

And if the DH is happy with a sexless marriage then I hope OP lives happily ever after having a third child with someone else!

@QueenofmyPrinces I do not mean I want your marriage to fail, it sounds actually genuinely good and I think that DH after some persuasion will probably agree!

reallyreallynow · 19/10/2018 18:44

*and even worse they would have an abortion, since when did any man have an abortion!

You really are thick @MakeAHouseAHome , I agree with @LeftRightCentre!

twiglet · 19/10/2018 18:45

Condoms are perfectly safe in fact they have a better protection rating than most hormonal contraceptives.

Where issues lie with condoms is in operator error be it putting them on wrong, taking them off wrong or incorrect storage. Worst place a condom can be stored is in a wallet for example as the heating, cooling etc breaks it down.

Just get him to have a practice session on a cucumber and all will be dandy!

We used just condoms for 3 years with no accidents!

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 18:47

@twiglet I think you've missed the point of the thread....OP does not want to rely on condoms only... with or with cucumber practise!

sar302 · 19/10/2018 18:48

But you're not trying to take joint responsibility. You're saying "make yourself sterile, because I'm no longer going to have anything to do with contraception."

Joint responsibility in this case, would be an agreement to use condoms and accept that the reality of having a sexual relationship as an adult means there is a chance of pregnancy. For you, there is a safe, reliable method of ending the pregnancy if you wish to, knowing he doesn't want another child. For him, he accepts that accidents happen, and if he continues to have sex with a condom instead of a vasectomy, he may end up with another child.

Threatening to leave you if you got pregnant is a dick move however, because unless he abstains, or becomes sterile, there is always a chance this can happen.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 19/10/2018 18:48

What's the issue with condoms OP? As previous posters have said they are very effective if used properly. Do you not know how to use them?

twiglet · 19/10/2018 18:50

@sonandhelpneeded I got the point of the thread OP wanted him to have the snip he said no and then they are arguing of what happens if there is a accident when using condoms.

My point is that if condoms are used properly there should be no requirement for a back up plan!

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 18:53

For you, there is a safe, reliable method of ending the pregnancy if you wish to, knowing he doesn't want another child.

That she doesn't want! A termination is hardly popping to the GP to have an ingrown toenail removed Hmm.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 18:55

Do you not know how to use them?

I’m hoping they haven’t changed in the last 7.5 years since I used them Grin

I have no problems with condoms at all - but I do have a problem with the fact they aren’t 100% reliable which isn’t good enough for me considering I’m expected to have a termination if something goes wrong.

If he had an attitude of “if a pregnancy occurs then we would deal with it together and work out what would be best for our family” etc then I wouldn’t feel so anxious, but that’s not the situation I’m dealing with. I’m basically being told that if I get get pregnant then I’ve got to have a termination.

OP posts:
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